3some gone wrong

[Brandus]

if you saw my last post asking if 3somes were normal then you might have seen this coming.

Over the course of about a year i got closer and closer to a couple i was friends with and we would end up drinking and fooling around until it got to the point where we were having sex. For all intents and purposes we all had 2 boyfriends. But after a while i started to long for my own boyfriend and not be part of it. At the same time , perhaps they sensed I was pulling away, but I caught them fooling around with another guy. I was pretty shocked and hurt. It made me feel ridiculous and used.

A whole lot of drama transpired and our relationship has been very strained since then. I regret doing anything romantic or sexual with them. But at the same time , before anything happened, they were good friends.

Now I'm having a very difficult time keeping them as friends. Whenever we hang out I remember how awful they made me feel and I have trouble staying in a positive mood around them. If I lose them as friends I would basically be friendless in this city.

So basically because we crossed the friends barrier, our friendship was poisoned, and its hard for me to keep them as friends. What should I do?

 

[looseliam]

My best suggestion would be to try and talk about it. But what one must remember in these situations is that it's about the sex, and that's it. So if you can't detach you friendship from the acts, it will be difficult.

 

[Eagle653]

My best suggestion would be to try and talk about it. But what one must remember in these situations is that it's about the sex, and that's it. So if you can't detach you friendship from the acts, it will be difficult.

Yes, I agree on all counts.

Something attracted you to be friends with them in the first place. Try to tap back into those feelings and attitudes and tap into their strengths and what they--as people--bring to your life.

The sexual episodes and then the disappointment of their other 3-some is bound to create an awkward situation for all of you. The only way past it is to talk it out and create a new understanding. If the friendship with them is worth saving, then it's worth the talk.

If, in the end, it is not worth saving--or it is just too awkward and there's too many bad memories--then you have the option of striking out and making new friends. There's really no reason why they should be your only friends, and having just a couple as your only friends isn't very good even under good circumstances.

Good luck. I hope everything turns out OK.

 

[confusedboy23]

If, in the end, it is not worth saving--or it is just too awkward and there's too many bad memories--then you have the option of striking out and making new friends. There's really no reason why they should be your only friends, and having just a couple as your only friends isn't very good even under good circumstances.

Yeah, this is a great point. Not all friendships are worth saving! Friends are meant to be there for each other, but if they aren't doing their part, then why bother with them?!

Besides, you do have your boyfriend with you and there are always new friends in the horizon!

Good luck.

 

[Kulindahr]

Making new friends isn't always as easy as confused might have you believe -- if it isn't for you, whether because of where you live or whatever, then just walking away may not be your best bet. It may not, anyway, becaue that would most likely leave a whole pile of bad feelings all around, and it's better if you can end things, if you have to, amicably.
So I agree with looseliam: talk it out. They may turn it into accusations and drama; don't do that back! Just ask calmly, respond calmly, and try to think and work through it.

and it may come down to this:

If, in the end, it is not worth saving--or it is just too awkward and there's too many bad memories--then you have the option of striking out and making new friends. There's really no reason why they should be your only friends, and having just a couple as your only friends isn't very good even under good circumstances.

 

[Brandus]

Why isn't it a good idea to be friends with a couple? They're usually more mature and stable. Also good for advice.

 

[Eagle653]

I don't recall anyone saying that having a couple for friends is not a good idea. (At least I didn't).

What I was saying was that it's generally not a good idea to have, as your only friends, just one couple. Ideally, one would have more--a variety. Variety is the spice of life, and all that.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Yes, communication is key. They probably fooled around with the other guy because you pulled away and did not communicate to them the situation. I am a little confused about you having a boyfriend but having a relationship with this couple as well? I think that complicated things for yourself and started this "poisoning" of the relationship.

I think this sort of thing can work out. Look on the bright side, at least you've handled this relationship in liking both of them equally with there being no jealously issues (aside from the 4th). It sounds like they still want you as a part of their life by continuing to hang out with you. Communicate, open up to them. Maybe thats what they've wanted all along besides good sex.

 

[Brandus]

I didn't have a boyfriend at the time, I started to want one boyfriend of my own. I've been dating but still single.

 

[Just_Believe18]

So, let me get this straight. For awhile, you basically had "two boyfriends" with this couple, but then wanted "one boyfriend" of your own. They sensed your disinterest and found someone else. But you felt jealous even though you are currently dating other guys right now while allowing the relationship to continue to deteriorate.

So, what do you want? A boyfriend? The couple back? A boyfriend and just friends with the couple? You need to arrange a talk with them based on these choices. From what you've told us, it sounds like you soured it up.

 

[Riverrick]

If you want to keep the friendship and also not feel resentful towards them, then you've got to get this stuff out and know that they've heard you.

The best way to do that is to say how you feel (ie angry, disappointed, hurt), say that certain events brought on these feelings (try not to blame or they will stop listening), and ask for what you want (it doesn't mean you will get it but maybe). If you can avoid blaming or attacking them, they may be able to make you feel like they heard you. But they are only human. If they are attacked, they will get defensive.

Good Luck!

 

[Tar_Heel-n-ATL]

hmm, maybe it helps to know the history

they were already a couple ... then met you, became friends and you all started fooling around?

we've done a number of 3-ways... and have made some temporary friends afterward ... but for a couple having a 3-way, it's first and foremost about sexual variety ...that only last so long ... then either you all get along and can just be friends or the novelty wears off and that's it

 

[Therobbyshow]

Well, try talking it out with them that you want to still be friends.
But you have to separate the sex from your friendship. You wanted
a boyfriend of your own so you pulled away from the threesome
stuff, which is your choice and fine...but it just seems like they aren't
done with it and felt like continuing with somebody that would.
You can't expect them to stop what they want because you don't want
to participate anymore.