A "friend" who doesn't return phone calls

[Auburn]

I have a friend, named Derek, who won't return my phone calls. I have called four times in the past couple of weeks and left 2 messages and he hasn't returned my phone calls (he has a cell phone so he has caller ID and knows how many times i called). I am friends with his uncle, also ,and i know his uncle has heard from him. I know sometimes when derek has "tricks" that he constantly sees, i don't hear from him because i have had this problem with him before. But it has never been for a couple of weeks. WTF? As soon as gay men start getting "some" then they forget about their friends? IT seems like i always make friends with people who claim they are too busy to talk to me or won't return calls, unless its days or even weeks later. Is this person not a real friend? I think that i get treated like this because my friend Derek is older(alot older) than me and probably takes my friendship for granted. He probably thinks, "oh he's just a baby...my friendship with him doesn't matter". Maybe it's just the way i think---cause i feel people that are alot older than me tend to talk down to me and tell me "oh you are just a baby". I don't know....i guess it is unreasonable to think that someone older than me would really want to be my friend..although i am mature for my age. I find it hard to develop or have a friendship with someone you hardly talk to, but i guess i just expect too much...

 

[spooger]

no one can say what derek is thinking, of course....but....

if what you have is friendship, then he should (most likely) have acknowleged your calls....unless you seem clingy and persistent by doing so....

there is a balance between the need for frequent calls as part of an active friendship.....and a sense of dependent "pleading"...

before you assume anything about a friendship which may or may not be as strong from his viewpoint, you should engage Derek in honest conversation .... when you DO speak....to find out what this friendship means to him as well....

but then.....launching into an analysis of your friendship the next time you speak can also seem too dependent and clingy....

yours is not an uncommmon problem....i wish you luck ....

it may be in your best interest to regard derek as an acquaintance more than a genuine 'friend" ....and move ahead with other friends......

 

[SilverRRCloud]

The more you call the less likely is he going to respond. He is probably perceiving you as some sort of a menace, who is not letting him go around and do his business.

So, yeah, call once, call twice and leave a message. If the dude does not return your calls, he has his own reasons and you ought to leave it at that.

You may be right. He may be busy with his tricks. This probably tells you, how high on his priority list you stand.

If you do not want to be taken for granted, show that in clear and unmistakable terms.

SC

 

[Auburn]

no one can say what derek is thinking, of course....but....

if what you have is friendship, then he should (most likely) have acknowleged your calls....unless you seem clingy and persistent by doing so....

there is a balance between the need for frequent calls as part of an active friendship.....and a sense of dependent "pleading"...

before you assume anything about a friendship which may or may not be as strong from his viewpoint, you should engage Derek in honest conversation .... when you DO speak....to find out what this friendship means to him as well....

but then.....launching into an analysis of your friendship the next time you speak can also seem too dependent and clingy....

yours is not an uncommmon problem....i wish you luck ....

it may be in your best interest to regard derek as an acquaintance more than a genuine 'friend" ....and move ahead with other friends......

well, maybe he thinks i am too dependent and clingy..he knows i don't have alot of (real) friends. I usually call like once a week....but i figure if you are trying to become someones best friend then shouldn't you talk more often than once every two weeks or so? what's wrong with that? i thought good friends communicate like that

 

[hurynwait2]

I've had the same problem, so if and when they call me back I don't return their calls. Maybe kinda childish but I agree a true friend would return your calls.

 

[ari25]

Friends talk to their friends... end of story. You deserve a friend who wants to hear from you and nothing less. Drop him and find someone who sees friendship the way you do.

 

[slobone]

The more you call the less likely is he going to respond. He is probably perceiving you as some sort of a menace, who is not letting him go around and do his business.

So, yeah, call once, call twice and leave a message. If the dude does not return your calls, he has his own reasons and you ought to leave it at that.

You may be right. He may be busy with his tricks. This probably tells you, how high on his priority list you stand.

If you do not want to be taken for granted, show that in clear and unmistakable terms.

SC

I agree. There's no way I'd get in touch with somebody six times with no return unless they owed me money (and then the sixth call would be from my "lawyer".)

You've done everything you can, now play hard to get for a while. And in the future, never call him a second time if he hasn't called you back. Friends have to be trained, just like lovers.

 

[Swellegant]

I'm really bad at returning phone calls... and I'm even worse at intitiating phone calls. So I kind of feel where your friend is coming from. But it's still rude, even when I do it.

And gay men aren't the only ones who disappear whenever they're getting some. Almost every friend I've ever had will disappear for a few weeks at the beginning of a relationship; and they've started staying away from me when their relationships are new because most of them know I don't like being around new couples, especially when they're in the can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase.

While communication is a huge part of friendship, acceptance of the friend's flaws and foibles is another huge part. All of my friends are accustomed to the fact that if they want to talk to me, they have to call me, or else wait for about six months before I miss them so much that I'm willing to dial a phone; and that if I don't call right back they may want to try again next day. And I accept them dropping out of my life when they have new boyfriends. And we still love each other, we just have to work around our little differences and idiosyncrasies.

So I guess the thing is, can you accept this attitude from your friend, or is it a deal-breaker? Whether or not you wish to consider him your friend is up to you; whether he considers you a friend is his business, and there's nothing you can do pro or con about it.

 

[tccia1]

I was just thinking that sometimes i dont return calls for weeks but also i can not talk to a friend for a few weeks and then we will talk and its just like we talked the day before.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I agree with R-M and the others that being friends does not mean that we have to hang around each other's neck every day and phone in and out 5 times a day. Even, if I am gone for months and there was no communication, my friends and I just pick it up just as if it were yesterday. All that is fine.

However, I would not be calling more than once, unless I really had a reason for it. I need my friends for a bit more than just sharing an ocassional bottle of wine with a cheese plate Friday afternoons. And I might be in need of their help as they are very often in need of mine. So, not returning a single call, can be at times interpreted, as 'I am fuckin' busy at at the moment.' But, if I leave a voice mail and keep on calling and the dude is ignoring me, I see a huge problem: something must have gone wrong with the symmetry of relationship. If he is not here for me, when I need him, and I am not there for him, when he needs me, why the heck are we friends?

Just my 2 cents.

SC

 

[JakeBequette]

It's rude not to return phone calls, I hate when people do that, but then again, I hate when I have like a bazillion voice mails - I usually dont return all of them ​

 

[JakeBequette]

Then why are you complaining? LOL

I'M NOT! But I should and you know very well why ​

 

[dcmorgan]

I don't have a phone - so that kinda takes care of that kind of problem *for* me

Seriously, I can be really crap at replying to emails. Especially if it's long and windy with no real point. It's one of my less positive sides, I admit. It doesn't mean I care less about the person; it just means I'm a lazy fucker.

 

[Croynan]

I don't have a phone - so that kinda takes care of that kind of problem *for* me

Seriously, I can be really crap at replying to emails. Especially if it's long and windy with no real point. It's one of my less positive sides, I admit. It doesn't mean I care less about the person; it just means I'm a lazy fucker. !oops!

Sounds more like an issue of controlling rather then being lazy. And as for the long and windy e-mails, as you don't have a phone, then you should expect them. Unless I am mistaken, it sounds as if you are trying to control and or manipulate the entire situation as to who and who does not talk to you and when and when they do not. Question is - are you being fair to them?

small psychological interpretation by the lowly local village idiot - but then again what do i know?

eM

 

[Croynan]

Of course, I should talk. I have been doing a very poor job of answering pm/s and it really is not fair to the people who have been thoughtful enough to send them.

And for this I do truly apologize.

eM.

 

[dcmorgan]

It's not a case of that at all. I'm not a manipulative fucker, but people I know KNOW that I don't have a phone for the simple reason that when I write I need to not be interrupted. It's how I work. If the phone rings off the hook all day, I can't focus.

Fortunately, for me, most of those that are important to me live close enough for me to be able to email and say "Let's meet up for drinks/coffee/dinner/lunch tomorrow". I prefer not to live through my computer and would rather deal with people face to face. Of course, those that live far away and send me long & windy emails every now and then I'll reply to - that goes without saying. But if someone that lives near me do it, I'd rather read it and talk about it when we next meet.

So yeah, I'm lazy with emails. It's just how I am, cause I spend all fucking day writing. That's all.

Sounds more like an issue of controlling rather then being lazy. And as for the long and windy e-mails, as you don't have a phone, then you should expect them. Unless I am mistaken, it sounds as if you are trying to control and or manipulate the entire situation as to who and who does not talk to you and when and when they do not. Question is - are you being fair to them?

small psychological interpretation by the lowly local village idiot - but then again what do i know?

eM

 

[unclaimedblessing]

I've never been much of a telephone person.
It annoys me to see so many people walking around with cell phones almost glued to their ears, while talking about inane, mundane subjects.
If my friends live locally, I prefer to see them socially and catch up. If they are long distance then calls, cards emails or letters are appropriate.
I don't care if your ass itches or what happened on your favorite soap opera today. Like many others I do have a life, and I don't like spending hours on the phone over banal converstions.
If you have important info to convey call your friend, but if you're just bored etc, it's not his responsibility to listen to you whine about your life.

 

[dcmorgan]

Besides, if people really need me, I'm there in an instant.