Beautiful whatever.

[Fortunate]

I have had a boyfriend for a few months now, he’s 23, I’m 19. He is unbelievably hot, like proper hot and I’m not just saying it because he’s my boyfriend but because he just actually is that hot! Anyways, we are having a problem in the relationship…or, rather I’m having a problem and he’s not. It’s just, he’s too good-looking! He’s well-muscled, and has dark features and he’s just every boys dream and he’s one of those guys who, when I see for the first time, I don’t even fancy because my mind just doesn’t let me because there is just never any chance because he is WAY out of my league.

Anyway, I could tell you the whole history but it’s too long, so basically we had mutual friends, sometimes we’d all go out together. We flirted a lot, but I’m a libra and I flirt with everyone anyway, and I just thought he was a flirty person. Eventually I found out that for some reason he actually liked me and then one thing lead to another. I don’t know why he liked me, but he did and we got together. I like him a lot…

Anyways, the problem is, a lot of people are jealous, because my boyfriend is loved by many people, quite overtly a lot of the time. When people see us together, you can see that look in their eyes. You know they are thinking, they’re like, why is he (my boyfriend) going with him (me)? He’s too good for me! When we’re lying in bed in the morning, he’ll look at me first thing and tell me I’m beautiful. I just smile, but he does it often and its getting uncomfortable. I know it sounds weird, and it is weird I guess, but I’m much better at taking insults than compliments, I just don’t know what to do when someone says something nice about me.

Also, I don’t know why he calls me beautiful - because I’m not beautiful. I’m not just saying that because I have low self-esteem or because I’m looking for sympathy, but because I just am not beautiful. It’s a fact, its reality and I don’t feel bad about it, but that’s just the way it is. And it’s getting insulting that he keeps calling me beautiful, when he is clearly drop-dead gorgeous and I’m not. Its like, you would never tell a really fat person they’re thin, when they’re clearly not! It’s insulting in a way. I mean, I’m not hideous or anything, but I’m nothing compared to him or his beautiful friends.

I just feel like I’m not good enough for him. He is so kind, and pretty and perfect, and so many people, people who are just better than me love him. I’m not a good person and I dont deserve him and I’m not worth it! I’m not that attractive, I’m manipulative and lie when I can. I just think I should let him go, so he can find someone else who will actually make him a happy, and they can be a proper beautiful couple…

I just felt like I needed to post this because I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this as I know they'll just tell me I'm being ridiculous

 

[bayern20]

Well, I'll tell you that you are being ridicilous too.(but not in the mean way) In short, somebody would not be with you if they didn't find you attractive.

Be happy, you have an amazing bf, someone who clearly loves you. Damn, we all wish for that.

You seem more paranoid than anything.

The thing is though, if you look uncomfortable with your bf, and deep down you dont think you deserve him, that will come through. The other friends are just noticing the uncomfort and are trying to figure out why. You just need to realize these things and be happy.

 

[tommy296]

Short answer: You ARE beautiful to him! Just realize that he loves you - including the way you look - and share in his happiness.

 

[puka-pride]

shut up... just shut up... you have a great bf.. everyone is jealous of you.. just shut up.. he thinks your amazing.. I don't see a problem.. I swear to god your an idiot if you let him get away from you because honestly.. as much as you think your not good enough he probably think he isn't good enough either...

its called inner beauty.. every nice guy has it.. and if he wanted to date some physically beautiful guy like himself he would.. but what do you wanna bet he prefers guys with more substance than a pretty face.. stop being so superficial and remember love is blind..

p.s. I did not intend for this post to be mean or hurtful in anyway but if you feel like it was a personal attack to you I am truely sorry

 

[antdak]

I have to totally agree. I have allways found it hard to accept compliments, but have learned just to say thank-you graciously and go on. I have just recently been talking to a guy, who I hope will soon be able to call my boyfriend, and I thought him way out of my leauge as you put it. He is the tall dark hansome type, and am very surprised that he would even look at my direction, but he has and we are in the early stages of a relationship, I hope. But he is allways calling me cutie and sweetie, so obviously he sees something in me THAT I don't see. Your BF sees something in you, that you don't see. So be gracious and like has been said before be thankful you have a bf, cause many guys don't who wish they did.

 

[tucaz7]

Dont sabotage your relationship with your insecurities. Learn how to take a compliment. Be proud to be with those that love you.
He finds you attractive in some way, dont be afraid to ask him what that is, and then prove him right.
Dont worry about what anyone else thinks, they are only opinions, take them or leave them.
Many of us can only fantasize about what you are living, dont kill the fantasy!!

 

[Inwood]

Sounds as if you have some self-esteem issues you need to sort out. If your boyfriend thinks you're gorgeous, then let him. He obviously loves you for more than just your looks as well, because a relationship cannot be built on looks alone. With that said, talk to him about your insecurities. Then talk to a professional. You will only sabotage your relationship if you continue to think the way you do. Thoughts of being undeserving are self-destructive.

Good luck -- I wish you well and hope you can come to realize that your boyfriend loves you for YOU. You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone else, in looks or in any other manner. That only leads to you harming your relationships. Keep us posted.

 

[kce24]

Beauty is only skin deep personality is a lot deeper

 

[Centexfarmer]

Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes.

It's apparent from what you've shared in your post that he obviously feels the way about you, that you feel about him.

Beauty is only skin deep. Some people have the gift of instantly seeing another person's inner beauty, when others (including the person themself) cannot see it.

Sound like you've got yourself a good man. Don't break his heart because of your insecurities.

I've been on that end where people that I've loved have left me, only to tell me later that they didn't think that they were good enough for me. It's like my feelings for them didn't matter at all. It hurt like hell.

Honor your boyfriend's feelings, honor his heart, and honor yourself by opening your heart to see in yourself what he sees. It sounds like you've got a wonderful gift there. Don't piss on it, because if you do there will likely come a day when you'll be back in regret that you let a good one get away.

Good Luck.




btw to JUB!

 

[confusedboy23]

Agreed! You would the world's dumbest idiot to let go of someone who clearly loves you so much. A relationship is about mutual support for each other and if you believe that you need to work on your self-esteem, then, let him help you with that! Don't let your mind get in the way of what I believe will be a beautiful relationship.

 

[Riverrick]

I have to wonder if deep down you might be afraid that you can't keep him, that you will eventually lose him. As a result, you are not letting yourself fall completely in love with him. So that it might not hurt so much when it ends.

I agree with Confusedboy. I think its time to open up to your boyfriend about what's bothering you and let him help you. At the very least, put the cards on the table. He may already be feeling you pulling back from the relationship and not understand why.

Take the risk now in order to build a stronger relationship with him. What's there to lose? You know he loves you.

 

[conrad]

How fortunate you are to have folks who will tell you when you are being ridiculous; be a friend and let them tell you why. Who knows, you may even be able to talk with them toward a better approach to what you seem to see as a big problem. And, do let us know when you love yourself as you love him. Is'nt that what it's all about?

 

[Fortunate]

Guys I feel like the relationship is ready to implode. It’s my fault and I should have just finished it when I had the chance. I read your advice (which I really appreciate, thanks; I didn’t expect such a response. And I’m sorry if I sounded like a dick or an idiot or ungrateful, or an ungrateful dick idiot) and I knew that I had to communicate with my boyfriend, and I had to tell him I feel insecure sometimes or something along those lines.

Anyways, we were at his place and we were watching a DVD and I said his name, and he looked at me. But when I looked at him, I got this overwhelming feeling. I just couldn’t tell him the way I feel. I don’t want him to know how I think, or what I’m really like. I feel like I don’t want him to know me at all, the real me anyway. I act a lot when I’m with him.

Anyway, after a while he said that if I wanted to ask him something then I should just do it, but I just smiled at him and said it was nothing. Then he paused the DVD and got up (I was on his chest) and went on a diatribe about how he thinks I’m holding back with him. Which is all true, but I suddenly switched to defensive. Also, something horrible happened inside me.

My boyfriend and me have never had a real fight yet and for four months I think that’s good, that’s probably the longest I’ve ever gone having a close relationship with someone and not fighting (I’m a very antagonistic person you see) and I just felt like this guy, who was so kind and so nice and so benevolent, I just felt like I wanted him to go mad and to say something nasty and be a complete bastard because I think that would make me feel better or something, I wanted to corrupt him.

So I thought we should have a fight. I denied everything he said and told him he was completely overacting. I started saying things that I knew would hurt him. I know I sound twisted, because I really like him, but I really wanted to piss him off, I wanted him to be angry at me. But then he said something that completely threw me, he said sometimes with me he feels lonely.

I just felt so bad. Like disgusted with myself. Everything I had thought; how I wasn’t worthy and how I don’t deserve him, it’s all true! He should definitely have someone else. And I’m not being selfish, I just am not good for him. He should have someone who will be open with him, and who will tell him everything. He really should. After he said that I didn’t want to fight anymore, I just wanted to go home. He saw I was hurt, and he said he was sorry but that that is how he felt sometimes. I said I was sorry, I had been a bad boyfriend. He told me I hadn’t.

He looked at me and told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to do. I feel so confused. Why the hell does he love someone who makes him feel lonely? We kissed and went to bed; we didn’t have sex, which I felt like I should’ve done because I felt like I had to make up for being a dick. But we didn’t we just lay there. In the morning we laughed as usual, and we smiled and we didn’t talk about anything that happened before. But I just feel like it’s not fair on any of us to keep this going. I feel like this relationship is going to fall through and I just wish I had the strength or integrity to do something about it. But I don’t think I do and that’s what makes me feel bad the most.

I also feel kinda bad about publicising everything on these boards, but oh well.

 

[Roland00]

Fortunate

It is obvious that you have a very low self image of yourself. You don't think there is anything good about you (or there is so little, and everybody is so much better).

Because of this low self image, your mind is always looking for a way out when something good happens to you. It isn't because you like miserable, its just until now you have always been miserable or just doing adequate, and it just doesn't make sense to your mind that something good may happen to you. When something good happens to you for an extended period of time, it just doesn't seem real, something isn't right. It seems like you are living a dream, and you can't wake up, your senses are dulled, and there is an nagging suspicion in the back of your mind. With this extended period of "everything going well" one of your defense mechanisms kicks in. You become "harder emotionally" you wall yourself up from your emotions and feelings. Sometimes in this harder form you just act (you aren't yourself emotionally). You just act trying to dispell the dream, for even if acting will cause something bad to happen (such as your boyfriend leaving you) it will be better if it happened now, then happening in the future when you aren't as strong and you will be weaker.

Fortunate, believe it or not you are a great guy. You may not be the smartest, or the best looking, or the most considerate, but you are still a great guy. You may not be the best of everything, or even something. But People Are More Than The Collection of Their Parts. You are you, and all your traits build on each other, and make you special and good. Your Boyfriend likes you, he doesn't like somebody else, he likes you!!!!. Now everybody else may not like you, but he does. You mentioned this is the longest close relationship you had. Well you may have been rejected or abandoned by other people, but your boyfriend hasnt' done that yet. And based off this fight, I think its safe to say he won't do that

You just need to relax some more Fortunate, stop trying to sabotuge the relationship and just enjoy it. Just calm down and stop being so anxious. I know this is easy for me to say, and its easier said then done, in fact most likely conciously trying to relax for you actually makes you more anxious. Your boyfriend sounds great, and I bet he is gladly willing to give you a back massage. Why don't you ask him to do that next time you are together. When he does so just focus on his touch and your breathing nothing else. I know he will be loving to give you a back massage, for I have a feeling he likes being close to someone he cares about.

Additionally you may want to learn some breathing exercises, whenever you become anixious, stop what you are doing, do this breathing exercise for 5 minute. No thoughts should be going through your mind when you do this, only focus on your breathing and counting. If a thought occurs in your mind acknowledge it, then put it away in your mind. If you lose your count, start over.

1) Get good posture by standing up straight, sitting up straight, or lying down.
2) Place your hands on your stomach
3) Breathe in through your nose, hold the air for five seconds.
4) Release your breath through your mouth, do this so it takes 5 seconds to release.
5) If you become panic whenever you perform such exercise, stop immediately. Don't do the exercise again for that day. Try to do it again tommorrow, if this continue, keep on trying again the next day till you can do the exercise for 5 minutes.


I expect an update

 

[bluedragon4]

i had a bf i also thought was more attractive. even though everyone always found me more attractive or hit on me more i still thought i will never have what he has. it was my self image that was messed up.and he was a jerk who put me down to keep me in line or figuring out i might be attractive. looking back i was way hotter than him at the time lol.i was very tan and dark haired and he was pale/ blond hair and people seem to go more for the dark guys than the lighter haired guys. i go for the lighter which also explains why i thought he was hotter.i would pick a ryan gosling over a brad pitt anyday.

 

[Centexfarmer]

I really don't know what to say after your last post.

It's beggining to sound worse than you originally presented it.

It truly appears that YOU'RE the one who's really not comfortable in this relationship.

Be a man, show some maturity, and share with him what you've shared with a bunch of strangers on this board (it won't be to your advantage in the least to share that aspect with him), and go ahead and let him down. Go ahead and break his heart.

Trust me, in the longterm, you'll respect yourself much more, than to let him "win the the fight" that YOU started.

Just don't come back whining about how you let a really good guy get away.

You don't deserve him, and I would seriously consider the really good advice that you've been given here about getting some professional help about your
"self-esteem" issues.

If self-esteem is not an issue, which you've implied, then perhaps you should consider why you're even in what's supposed to be an "intimate" relationship in the first place.

What do you want?

What will make YOU happy?

You've illustrated what many of us have responded to as something of worth to work for, to save, to preserve, to protect, to work with, but your last post suggests that you're really just looking for an excuse to GET OUT.

Get out!

No one is ever obligated to put themselves in, nor to be a part of something that they're not comfortable in or with.

Grow and learn NOW with what you have, or find yourself somewhere else down the road in a similiar situation.

 

[looseliam]

There are some people who, when faced with a good thing, have to destroy or sabotage it.

Talk about it with him. Open the channels of communication. You two are in love. You two can discuss this like adults.

Don't let something fizzle like this.

 

[confusedboy23]

Leaving him in the dark like what you are doing right now is just utterfly unfair to someone who has given you his heart and soul! If you really wanted to end this relationship, then give him a decent closure. But as centexfarmer has said, don't come crawling back crying out loud for letting go such a great guy. A relationship is not about who is hotter or who is not, it is about two souls coming together as one to share ups AND downs. Life is a journey, albeit not a smooth one. But they do say that a load is always lighter when it is shared between two people. So, it is all in your hands, admit your problems and deal with it otherwise, I still stick with earlier opinion that you would be the greatest idiot to let him go!

 

[Centexfarmer]

Leaving him in the dark like what you are doing right now is just utterfly unfair to someone who has given you his heart and soul! If you really wanted to end this relationship, then give him a decent closure. But as centexfarmer has said, don't come crawling back crying out loud for letting go such a great guy. A relationship is not about who is hotter or who is not, it is about two souls coming together as one to share ups AND downs. Life is a journey, albeit not a smooth one. But they do say that a load is always lighter when it is shared between two people. So, it is all in your hands, admit your problems and deal with it otherwise, I still stick with earlier opinion that you would be the greatest idiot to let him go!

That's what I'm talking about!

From what you've shared, you have that...two souls coming together....if you're not comfortable stick your head in the sand and GET OUT.

Just don't leave where he's blaming himself, be a man, step up to the plate, and accept responsibility for YOUR feelings.

You're being manipulative, and playing games (from you what you described in your second post)otherwise, and from the way that you described your boyfriend, he deserves better and so would you too if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

[jockboy01]

Wish I'd read this sooner, but oh well.

I agree with much of what was said above. Sounds like the only problem with the relationship is you feeling you're not good enough for him and so you're afraid it is some fantasy that is destined to fail. And so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you try and make it worse so that it can be over and you can get on with reality.

So you have one of two options. Either you can just end it now, b/c in your mind it is going to end anyway. Or you can look inside and see the good in you that obviously he sees even if you can't. And you can find the things that aren't good about you and slowly try to change them.

Personally, I look for people who ARE better then me to be in a relationship. Because it makes me strive to be a better person and I like that feeling. If it is somebody I don't have respect for, then it is hard for me to be in a relationship with that person.

As to looks, as stated it is in the eye of the beholder. And there is more than physical beauty. Let me give you a brief example....

This guy I like (a whole long story that is a terrible example of an ideal relationship, but I digress) is fantastic. He's sweet and kind and caring and wants to help others and make the world a better place. We get along great. I can tell though that he doesn't think that he's at my level b/c of his physical appearance. He's gorgeous imo, but no, he doesn't have an athlete's body by any means. But he always makes comments about being overweight (which isn't true, he's average) and such that shows that he doesn't think he's up to "my level". But what he doesn't understand is there is so much about him that is better than me imo that sometimes I think I don't deserve him. I mean, he has such a great heart I can't explain and I'll never be that good.

Do you see where this is going? Maybe he feels the same way about you that you feel about him. That you're too good for him and he doesn't deserve you. And you're so caught up on not deserving him, that you're missing it and in the process hurting him. So suck it up, find the good in you, enjoy the good in him and move on. Discussing your feelings with him is at your discretion. You could play that either way. But you have to stop wallowing in self-pity and enjoy what you have.