Came out twice this weekend

[chance1]

Interesting couple of days

I came out to a friend of mine and my mom

First the friend

He's married with kids - good buddy for about 5 years - we play a lot of hoops together and go to bars once in a while - he is liberal thinking. I recently told him that I had visited a gay bar (first time for me). Not sure why I told him - playing with fire for sure. Anyway a little while after we had breakfast and he asked me "are you gay". I said yes. I did not hesitate one iota (surprised myself). He then proceeded to ask me some pointed questions - how long have you known? who else knows? why didn't you tell me sooner? I've seen you with women, etc. I was a little overwhelmed. I told him the truth - that I have never lied to anyone, just haven't been asked - my choice - nervous - worried, a bit ashamed, etc. But I've been feeling better and tired of the energy required to hide. It was not left all that great. I asked him not to tell anyone - that it was up to me. That I would love his support and continued friendship but that was his call. He left a little abruptly - he seemed a bit out of it. Anyway this am, we're playing hoops (regular Sunday game) and he's kind of an asshole to me - overreacts to a foul call (not his style), gets a little nutty, shouts at me more than a bit. He apologizes later. Oh well. So, one down - not sure where this will go with him.

My mom

Went to her place today to tell her. OMG - what a breeze. She's like I love you, so sorry you couldn't come to me sooner - must have been tough, etc. She worked in retail and told me that she knows so many gay people. Honestly I couldn't get her to shut up - LOL. Then she starts giving me advice - it's nobody's biz, don't tell people at work, etc. So I said "thanks for your support but do me a favor - save the advice - if I ask, then ok - cause I gotta do what I gotta do"

I thought I was gonna start crying before I walked in - instead we were laughing

Before telling my friend and my mom - I would've bet - friend very cool, mom crazy and crying. Kinda the opposite

My experience with my mom reminds me something Soilwork wrote/writes often I think. Big deal to US coming out - not so big to others. Beginning to believe it is true in most cases.

I've been in a really good place lately - not ashamed - not embarrassed. I kinda like it - better than "OMG what if people find out".

I want to thank the people on this site, some individuals in particular who I have reached out to and they have shared their time and insights. In addition, just reading other's situations and some of the feedback they have gotten - well, it's good. It's particularly interesting to me that I have changed my thinking (pretty significantly) in the past year or so - good to know you can break bad habits.

I'm in full ramble now - so gonna stop

Thanks for reading

 

[Soilwork]

Good for you.

If I suported junk food and sugar, I'd give you a cookie.

Can I interest you in a whey-based carob-flavoured oat square?

 

[halubtsi]

Congrats chance1! I'm glad to hear that the comings out went well. I don't know what's going through your friend's mind, but give it some time. And don't take his reaction too personally. But if the two of you have been close for the past few years, he may have started questioning the friendship that you've had. He may be wondering how he could not have known, or why you waited for so long. For some people, having a gay friend isn't a problem, but the revelation itself is. Depending on his personality, he may have felt duped, or he might have felt that you don't cherish the friendship as much as he has (since you kept your sexual orientation discreet). I suppose the most important thing to do with him, is to keep the lines of communication open. His overreaction to a foul seems more passive agressive than anything. If you can, get him to tell you what's on his mind. The friendship still seems to be pretty healthy. Keep us posted, eh?

 

[dkonfrost]

congratumulations pal, that's awesome!

re: your mom - that's neat, it helped that she was exposed to a lot of gay folks, i'm glad she's very supportive of you! yay!

re: your friend - he's still processing everything it seems like. i think it might also be that he didn't see it coming, possibly questioning how much he really knows you. give him some time, if he indeed is a true friend, this wouldn't be an issue.

 

[Eagle653]

Great story--thanks for sharing it here.

Congratulations! You had a busy weekend that will pay dividends forever.

All the best!

 

[luminum]

Congrats, man! ::high fucking five::

 

[confusedboy23]

Congratulations! It always feels good to know that those who matters to you are behind you. As for your friend, I reckon he just needs some time to take it all in. By the sounds of it, he's not ready to let you go so I'm pretty sure you will always him as a friend and you guys might end becoming better friends too! All the best.

 

[slobone]

Good news about you mom, chance! That's just amazing. I bet you're breathing a sigh of relief.

As for your friend -- I wonder if what's really going on is that his heterosexuality is threatened by having a gay friend. He could be thinking, Oh my God, do people think I'm gay too?

Of course he can't say this to you, so he covers up by being upset that you didn't tell him sooner. He'll have to work it out for himself.

 

[waynemm]

That's awesome news about your mom!!

Hope everything works out with your friend!!

 

[Roland00]

Congrats Chance

 

[doctorsun]

Good for you. I agree that it sounds like your friend is having personal issues with it, more about his own feelings about homosexuality rather than the actual fact that you're gay. Most (non-homophobic) straight guys probably just don't think about homosexuality very often, so when they're confronted with a close friend or relative telling them that they're gay, it's like they're suddenly forced to deal with an issue they've never prepared themselves to deal with. They know they want to be cool and supportive about it, they just don't know how. And, as slobone said, it's possible that he feels his heterosexuality is threatened in someway by having a gay friend. It's not homophobia, it's just human nature to worry about what people think of you. He sounds like a good friend. He'll come around.

 

[Roland00]

how long have you known? who else knows? why didn't you tell me sooner? I've seen you with women, etc. I was a little overwhelmed. I told him the truth

He left a little abruptly - he seemed a bit out of it. Anyway this am, we're playing hoops (regular Sunday game) and he's kind of an asshole to me - overreacts to a foul call (not his style), gets a little nutty, shouts at me more than a bit. He apologizes later. Oh well. So, one down - not sure where this will go with him.
Thanks for reading

Okay about your friend, there are a few things to notice here. First if he was a homophobe or such, he probally wouldn't play basketball with you later. Second look at the questions he asked, they were asking time, he wanted to know why you didn't tell him earlier. He is okay with it, he isn't just okay with you not telling him earlier.

In other words you probally didn't lose a friend, though you may hit a rough patch for a while. He needs time to think, if he is still like this after a week or so, you have my permission to yell at him. For he is being selfish, and its all about him, its your life, its your sexual orientation, its none of his business until you make it part of his business. He can be a very good friend, and he may feel because of that friendship you are obligated to tell him such things for they are a part of your life, but with this thinking he is just being egocentric. Homophobia still exists in today's society (even though its nowhere near as bad as before) and its natural for a guy to go through the coming out process, of course you aren't going to be spealing around the world that you are gay until you personally accept it.

Your friend's problem isn't with you being gay, and if he is a real friend isn't with you not even telling him. Its because you changed his perception of the world. Its okay to be supporting of gays, but you never suspect your own close friend is gay type of thing. You challenged one of his underlying perceptions of the universe, one of his unconscious thoughts. Humans are very good at reacting to the world if we know "the rules of the game" but if the "rules change" it takes time for us to react, and until then we are slow and clumsy even though the world is still moving at a normal pace. You challenged one of his underlying assumptions of the world, his mental rules on how the world works. Thus his mind is going at an exceptional speed trying to discover the rules, and make sense of everything. The first thought that occured to him is why didn't you tell him earlier. If he isn't naturally a jerk, then this isn't his natural thoughts, its just his mind scrambling to make sense of everything, and during these times you are simply not yourself.

So with a little time, probally a week everything will go back to normal. If it doesn't yell at him, and force him to realize reality as it is. Tell him he is a good friend, but you aren't going to tolerate him acting like an asshole or him treating you differently for you are gay. For the thing is nothing has changed about you, you are still the same person, and thus you shouldn't be treated differently. You deserve his love and friendship, if you were straight or gay.

 

[jockboy01]

I second all of the thoughts on here. Congratulations for sure are in order. And as I've said, people don't always react to the news the way we expect them to. So maybe it is best to present the news with no expectations. Then we won't be surprised or dissappointed. Just a thought. I agree that more time is in order for the friend. That is so awesome about your mom though. Glad that worked out so well!!!

 

[chance1]

Quick update and comments

My friend Randy called me last night - apologized for his behavior on the basketball court - no mention of our talk. Decent thing to do. Not gonna sweat the other part

My mom called me too. I have to tell you. I fear she will drive me crazy with "I support you - I love you" - LOL. Next thing I know she'll be inviting herself over for dinner. Maybe I should tell her I was kidding.

Soilwork
Send over the oat square - please. I'm going healthy myself - lots of fruits (no comments pls) and veggies - I'm looking good - now that I'm "coming out", gotta make the most of it

Thanks for the support guys - I think you're onto something about my friend being a little taken aback by the whole thing. He's kinda a macho guy - a ladies man - maybe he's worried I'm attracted to him (NOT). Funny side note - I'm totally not attracted to my str8 buds - and some of them are good looking - not sure why. Is it an on/off switch we have? Whatever

Gonna give Randy some time - he deserves it.

And I like Rolando's comment about staying strong and not making any apologies - good stuff.

 

[Roland00]

Good to here, both on the Randy update and that Randy is a good enough of a friend that he deserves it.

 

[Riverrick]

Congratulations! I'm glad you posted your story. Its a great one to read.

 

[Alive and Free]

Thats Excellent Bryan , I am glad you are able to live the truth with those around you !

 

[Just_Believe18]

Way to go.

Its funny how it turns out easier than we expected.