Dealing with my boyfriend's suicide

[hawkia]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been in your shoes, but want to offer one thought. My dad died 23 years ago, Mom has been alone for all these years because she didn't want to be unfaithful to Dad. I know what he wanted and would assume that your boyfriend would want the same. Best of luck and for both of your sakes try to move on.

 

[tommy296]

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's suicide and can relate somewhat as my partner passed away in 2004. I do understand your feelings about moving on, as have had them myself but a friend mentioned to me something that rang true. He said, "It's a tribute and an honor to those we've loved that the relationship was so wonderful that we'd want to love again." Simple, but give it some thought.

When another good friend of mine passed away, his lover mourned for a couple of months and fell in love again. Some of our friends said it was disrespectful, but I think it was really the ultimate sign of respect to want to do it all over again. To refuse yourself love is really the betrayal.

Hope that gives you a different perspective that will allow you to move on and be happy. Keep us posted!

 

[gotdimples77]

I think you should take the new guy to a nice spot, far away from anybody else and tell him that the next couple minutes are going to be a bit rough. Then you need to have a really good scream and cry at your ex and tell him you have to move on with the new guy and that you love each other very much. and probably say you love your ex too but you have to move on.

 

[slobone]

You're probably too young to be a Billy Joel fan. But his song And So It Goes already says everything I'd like to say to you much better than I could. Here are the lyrics:

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

 

[rotary]

If anyone has any insight about dealing with anything like this I would really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

Your story is an incredibly sad one, but I can't imagine your ex not wanting you to be happy.

Hopefully you can get over this, and start loving life.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Please do not feel you have betrayed your ex-boyfriend by moving on and coming to like another sweet guy. Remember, he left you for whatever reasons he felt he had to go for. I don't think he would have wanted you to spend your whole life making a memorial to him.

You have the right and the freedom to carry on!

 

[Claudio63]

I'm guessing your ex loved you. This can only mean he wanted you to be happy. Get on with your life. Sad as it may be your ex is a part of your past. This new guy is your present and might even be your future.

 

[darkwave6]

We are often told in our society that suicide is an act of cowardice. I don't believe that. I do believe that individuals who committ suicide are so beyond the realm of human reasoning that they do not understand the difference between reality and what they understand to be the TRUTH! I have been there and I might be there again in the future...I don't know. I guess I just want you to understand that his decision was based on illusion and illness and it has nothing to do with you. If he ever really cared for you, he would want to you to move on and be healthy and happy. Always respect who he was as a person, but understand that he was sick. Sometimes sickness isn't something we can see with our eyes...it is far more complicated and internal than we can comprehend. Move forward and stop blaming yourself.

 

[Croynan]

Hi Nathan,

I certainly wouldn't want to give you my unprofessional opinion at the risk of contradicting your therapy. But what I will say is that I think its amazing of you to go down the therapy path, and avoid drugs. I don't know if you realise how strong you are for doing that. Much, much stronger than you might think.

You've been through a tough time, to say the least. Of course it's going to take time to come to terms with. You're also going to need a special type of guy to help you through the feelings that you'll experience as you reconnect with another person. Here's my opinion: Reconnecting with a person, and falling in love again, could be the healthiest choice you could make. It will be tough, but I think you should allow yourself to fall in love again. You really deserve it.

The big decision is whether this guy is the right one. He's going to have to be really understanding, and be able to take things slow, while you adjust to the idea. If you think he's got those qualities, then you might have found another rare gem to hold onto. You say he's understanding, so I guess you've talked to him about it? Just take it one step at a time. And I'll say it again - please allow yourself to fall in love again, when you're ready to. You deserve it.

I think this is a most wise observation here = well said and with a lot of meaning.

Not wishing to interfere fear with your therapy and the work you have done, but in fact the act of suicide is a selfish one as it does not take into condiseration what those left behind will have to go through because of the decision that was made and not by you.. For what ever amount of love there was between the two of you, obviously other issues clouded your b/f's mind which it appears he may not have shared with you. You do not mention if he was in any sort of therapy before he killed himself, but if he was not, knowing how he was feeling, he had an obligation to himself and to you to seek help so that maybe this tragedy could have been avoided.

You are entitled to go on with your life - and a young one it is. If you have met someone that appears to have the qualities you are seeing in a partner they you owe it to yourself to find that happiness. I think however, it will be most important that you share with your new b/f some of what may still exist between you and your past, so that he understands what you might be going through. But at the same time that does not mean he has to endure the "shadow of your past" in the presence of his and your future. Give he a chance to understand what your feeling are and continue with therapy if need be, but don't allow those feelings to become a burdon for him to carry as well as yourself.

And if it requires some degree of meds. to deal with this, that is what they are there for. To assist you along the way, not cure what are the core issues that might still exist. And don't just assume a year of therapy will do the trick. You have probably worked very hard in therapy, but I am sure as you have discovered that other issues have emerged also and those too should be dealt with so that you have exit from therapy a well and happy individual.

I truly wish you and your new boy friend well with the time and effort it will take to make this caring relationship work as you both so wish.

Me

Nathan,

This is a fine and intelligent posting/thread on your part. I hope you will continue on with jub and let us know how things progress.

 

[Paul_UK]

I am going to say what everyone else has said here, because it is what I think and believe too.

Firstly congratulations for having the strength to go through the theropy etc without the drugs. I am very impressed with that, as I know getting off the drugs is a problem for some people.

Secondly, your former boyfriend would want you to he happy and to move on - I am certain lf this even though I never knew him. Wanting anything else would be cruel, and if he loved you he would never be cruel to you.

Take it steadily, at a rate you feel comfortable with, and remember we at JUB are here for you if you want to talk about anything or just let off steam.

 

[DOCTOR]

Nathan,
I can only express my deepest sorry for the loss of your friend, although I've never
had to go thru this experience myself, I can tell you that I've experienced the other
side of the suicide situation.

Unfortunately, yes I have tried. Back when I was very much closeted.
I had no support. I couldn’t accept myself or my sexuality. This was
back in the the late 70’s or early 80's.There was very little
support /acceptance of gays. I was lost and alone. I had just broken up
with a serious heterosexual relationship. I confessed to my girl about my
feelings for men, earlier in our relationship. It was when this relationship
finally ended. I felt so alone. I think waking up in the hospital was even
worse. I lied my way thru this attempt. I managed to remain unscathed.

I do THANK GOD, that this attempt was a failure.

Now I find comfort, thru writing and sharing my experiences with others.
That is one of the reasons that I love JUB. I get to share with others and
hopefully, learn from them as well. Although, their have been many other
times when I’ve contemplated, and only one other attempt. I feel blessed
that I was given another opportunity and the freedom to express, share,
and uplift others whenever possible. It is through this, and these actions,
and with this venue, that I've found true JOY, and hopefully help others
along their way, and possibly find new encouraging friends too.

I can only hope, pray and encourage you to keep strong, and continue your therapy. I
really believe that your boyfriend would have wanted you to be happy. I also think that
through this awful experience, in time, could grant you a unique perspective and the ability
to help others.

If you need to, feel free to email or pm me directly.



Please remember JUB commarades,
as stated in a prior post:

There is always a doctor in the house!!

Totally metaphorically speaking; I Love the ideology of trying to heal, any
and all people that I come in contact with. Even if it involves only a smile,
a long talk, the benefit of my experience thru my life’s journey, or
something a little more sexual. After all, isn’t that what we, as humans
should be doing,trying to uplift and heal each other.
Anyway, it’s not always one-sided.I have lived, learnt, and have been
healed by many that I have come into contact with. Sometimes it
only takes a smile to change your whole outlook.

 

[Eagle653]

Hello Nathan, welcome to JUB and to this forum. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you posted.

You went through a tragedy, and at a young age. You've done the right thing by getting therapy to try to understand the incomprehensible; to try to put reason and rationality to the irrational. My only advice is to continue what you've been doing. A new opportunity has arisen and, while it is not betraying your old boyfriend by letting your heart feel things toward a new man, it's easy to feel that way. That's why you need the continuing support and guidance from a caring professional until you can feel confident and comfortable with your feelings.

Good luck to you. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing. Again, welcome aboard!

 

[Riverrick]

I think that feeling close to this guy is helping to bring up some of the issues you haven't worked on yet in therapy, that's all. So keep dating him, and keep going to therapy to talk about what you are feeling. Its a great opportunity to do a little more healing.

 

[Soilwork]

Sounds to me like you're not ready to move on.

which isn't healthy after three years.

I can't imagine the horror that you've had to endure every day, and I know that you'll never get over it. But you're going to have to find a way to live in this world, becuase that's what you have to do.

Before I start quoting the big Show Stopping Number from the Buffy musical, I'll just say that you're the one who didn't die. You're the one who has to keep living.

 

[josefjosef]

I have no opinion, nor any scheme to cope with such a problem.
The only suggestion is to avoid a religious hucksters; think things through, be kind to your self and let no one advocate any position which is not in your heart and soul - you already intrinsically know what is good. The revelation of your purpose will unfold safely if you avoid all the charlatans of love.

 

[CGHJ]

You deserve to be happy, I'm sure your BF would want you to be happy, who knows, maybe he's up there guiding this guy to you so you can move on? I can't even imagine how awful that would be but after 3 years, you are betraying no one. Please, embrace this chance to get your life back on track. Tell the new guy what's on your mind though, perhaps he can meet with your therapist to suggest ways he can help you. Good luck to you.

 

[ladygrey]

Hey Nathan,

Let's have talk heart to heart from a fellow surivour.

I have never had anyone in my life attemept suicide, other than myself. I've attempted more than 4 times in my life, the last attempt being over 3 years ago. My own encounters with sucide allow me to offer a unique perspective. I've also been the victim of rape. My rapist was my best friend and some one I cared deeply about. In a way, it was like he died that moment. Because of the betrayal, I lost the person I loved in an instant. Further, I felt robbed of a sacred relationship. And finally, he never explained to me why it happened and I was left to deal with the remains.

I hope you can see the pareels between us. Perhaps one could say that I was lucky to be able that he was still alive, but I've been forced to watch, through the words of others, his descent into drug addiction and prositution. But either way,

I know what it's like to be betrayed by someone I loved deeply and I understand the horrednous pain the loss of that person in your life can bring.

So that's where this advice is coming from:

The single greatest lesson I learned was this:

love is the greatest power in the universe, greater than the pain within me and the pain without.

Sounds corny? Let me explain. In my journey, I've been through therapy, group therpay, self help books, religionous counselers, traditional shamans, and even Oprah for Gods sakes. There isn't a healing perspective I haven't bumped into.

And what I've learned is that we create our own world. Our choices shape our lives. What we believe about ourselves becomes our world. I used to think I was raped because i wasn't pretty enough or good enough for him. i believed that so deepely that many other people in my life abused and mistreated me. Why did that happen? Because I believed that I deserved. That belief was already in my head even before the rape occured, but the rape reinforced it.
In regards to you, what so you believe about yourself? Do you think you should have saved him? Was it possible for you to help? Do you blame yourself? Or do you see it as his falut? Are you unable to love again? Are any of these thoughts bouncing around in your head? I'm not sure if they are, but look inside and see what comes up. Chances are, you have internilzed some belief about yourself that is limiting your ablity to heal.

When I finally realized that I couldn't spend my life the vicitm of other people and these internal beliefs were limiting me from achieving my own peace,

I let go of them. It took me years. And I'm still realsing those beliefs.

Things like writing, yoga, reiki, dream work, massage, spiritual study, and counseling rape victims myself have helped. But what these activies really did was help me become more comofrtable and loving towards myself.

You see, the reason I held onto my anger and my grief, the reason I couldn't move forward, had nothing to do with my rapist. It was all about me. I believed that I wasn't strong enough, not good enough, coduln't do it, wasn't important enough, could never overcome that barriar....

and when I clued into that and really worked to understand and myself,

then I was finalyl able to really forgive him. and move on with my life.

I won't lie, I still have trouble (flashabcks, etc.), but things have never been better in my life.

Relationships are hard, because I have to trust all over again, but still, I'm learning there as well....

so you see,

healing is possible. It happens and it's real. But it only comes to those who seek it.

i mean, some people just focus on the problem the pain and the despair. They never move past it. They are stuck, somewhere between guilt and suffering.

Why? because it's easy and safe. They pretend it's about needing "time to heal", but really it's bcause they scertly enjoy being miserable. Think about it. it frees them from all responsiblity in life. If everything is horrible and never be the same, then why bother?

I know you aren't like that. And I hope that this made any kind of sense....(if you have qwuestions, pm me)

but what I'm saying is this:

When I learned to love myself (and I mean really love myself, bs and all),
I was able to heal and release the past.

I think that's a universial lesson.

As my mentor, an asended yogic and aruivedic master, once said,

"in love, there can be no fear. No anger. No suffering. There is no pain whose winds can move the tree of life and all is well. Why? How can it be so simple? Because it is so. When you love, you embrace all life. You accept everything. You do not seek power or wealth. You can only give and forgive. Heal and strengthen. When you live, every moment in the choice of loving, how can any pain exist within the light of your soul? You are finally, like a pilgrim who reaches the long awaited temple, free. That is the greatest secert in the universe. All you seek and all you need can be found within the heart of love. And you need nothing more than what you already have"

Nathan, I hope that helps.
I hold you in my prayers and if that made no sense, then I'm sorry for highjcking your thread.

From one heartwarror to another,
namaste

 

[shagall]

Oh God Nathan I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what your going through. I think you've recieved great advice here and just realize you deserve to be happy as well and that your not being unfaithful nor should you feel guilt. I hope your present relationship works out, I think you deserve to be happy.

 

[operafan]

I don't think I've ever been so moved by a posting or the thoughtful, loving responses to the poster. What a magnificent group this can be.

Nathan - There are so many thoughtful responses to your posting. I hope you can learn to love yourself because it is obvious that you are loveable. Anyone who could love someone so much as you loved your previous boyfriend is a person of depth and caring.

Let your new boyfriend love you. Let him bring you into the wonderful world.

 

[CoolBlue71]

Nathan615,

I'm sorry about your loss. It's traumatic and disturbing for anyone who has known someone who took his own life. It has to be apparent that your boyfriend made a choice that has left you spinning. And I'm glad you've seeked professional help.

I hope you know that there is a need for you to move on. Part of it is because you're forced to do so. No matter how one dies, when survivors experience this they have to come to terms with their grief and continue being among the living. I've lost a number of family that were important in my life -- no less over a five-year period that included my mother -- and if you put your mind to interests that involve you and your time, it can be encouraging.

Already encouraging is meeting someone new. You've stated that you feel you may be betraying the intimacy shared with your late boyfriend. Well, it's not a betrayal. Past relationships -- and, keep in mind, it is in your past -- are not the present part of what you can enjoy.

When you said that your guilt gets progressively worse, I thought: You know what? Sometimes we choose to feel these things. You have to know that is not reasonable. Your ex-partner left you, in a traumatic way, and that is sad. But it is not worthy of keeping your crippled, emotionally. I think your having moved so far as to meet someone new shows you're ready to move forward. But I'm also thinking you're taking some time, in between, to feel this guilt.

I think if you're honest with this new man, he may be understanding and patient. (You've already said he is. And who knows his experiences?!) And I do hope you'll let it progress. If he is not in a hurry, and you are not in a hurry -- it may work. And wouldn't that be good for you? And this new man? I think focusing on the new relationship, enjoying your new partner, will steer you in the right direction.

It's natural for everyone who has had his share of birthdays to go ahead and give some thought to the past -- the events and people (that have shaped one's life) -- but it this not to define who you are and your worth. Your worthy of love. Your worthy of a good life. So be good to yourself -- and look ahead.