Gays having children, what do you think?

[Swellegant]

The chief potential problem I see in your future, as outlined, is what happens when either of you gets into a relationship; as you may remember, Grace meeting Leo was what put the kibosh on her and Will's baby-making plan. So Will didn't get to be a daddy after all, and all his agonizing and hoping and trying were for naught. I don't know if I would have forgiven Grace as quickly as Will did.

And do you remember the risible film The Next Best Thing, in which Madonna and Rupert Everett had a baby together and decided to raise him together as a family, but then Madonna fell in love with Benjamin Bratt and tried to cut Rupert Everett out of her and her child's life?

Do you see where I'm going with this?

So what happens when your best friend hooks up with a Significant Other and wants to build a her life around him/her? What happens if you fall in love and want to build your life around him? What happens if your lover and your best friend don't get along, or if you don't like your best-friends SO?

And, more importantly, what happens to the child as you two work these things out?

Being a committed couple in a sexual/romantic relationship cuts down on the number of people a child will have to deal with in his or her home life. More than two parents can be a trifle difficult, especially when setting boundaries... this is what makes step-parenting so exceptionally hard both for the step-parent and the step-child.

On the other hand, there are odder ménages in the world. Some are healthy, some are not, some produce normal children, some produce wackos. You never can tell.

 

[marcmanus]

My partner and I adopted a baby girl 4 1/2 yrs ago. . .best thing in the world! The kid is a rock star!

 

[Jacketman]

We have a 9 year old son with a Lesbian friend. We agreed legally that she was the only parent with rights and obligations. Her now ex-partner was and still is a major figure in his life. We have always been part of his life and he looks to me and my BF as parent type significant people in his life.

We voice opinions on things like school, but in the end his mother makes the decisons and lives with the consequences, good or bad, on a daily basis.

I reccommend finding a solution that works for all. We read books on gay parentinga nd sought legal advice befroe proceeding with the turkey baster sessions.

 

[CaptainJohn]

I think as long as the adopting parents are in a serious commited relationship, it would be just fine. Regardless of whether the parents are straight, gay, male, female, or whatever, adopting (or biologically having) a child is a serious commitment, it ain't just buying a puppy (which is a responsibility unto itself).

You would need to make sure your decision would be in the best interest of the child as well as yourself. Too many people get hyped on the idea of having a baby and never consider the reality of it until it's too late, and then some poor child ends up with a fucked up life because the parents didn't want the responsibilty after all.

But if you are truly ready for it, and can put the needs of a child ahead of your own, go for it and good luck!

 

[Swellegant]

Fortunately, she's gay herself and won't run off with a man.

Doesn't mean she won't run off with a woman. Doesn't mean she will, either. And there's no guarantee that if you were a traditional straight couple, neither of you would run off with someone else. It's always a risk. But I think that's what your friends are worrying about when they point out the negative aspects.

Yeah well the main problem there is that he wasn't actually the biological father.

Okay, I didn't watch that movie very carefully, it was the inflight movie when I went to the Jersey Shore a few years ago and I was more interested in talking to my friend and chatting with my seat-neighbor than paying close attention to the movie... but I was under the impression that Rupert's character was the biological father, or at least thought he was... they got drunk and had sex in that mansion that he was housesitting or landscaping or something, didn't they?

Her girlfriend wants to do this. As for me I'm hopeless for ever finding a steady boyfriend.

I think that's fine, and I think that with proper care and interest, you might just find a man that would fit into your setup (never say never, you know?)

As far as I'm concerned, so long as all of you put the child first, it should be OK. No picnic, but then what is? Aside from picnics, I mean.

 

[justsimon]

I think it's a great idea, provided things work out the way you want them to. And I hope they do. I can't stress enough the importance of legal assistance. Talk to a court advisor and have them help you with a parenting plan. Make sure you're both on the same page as far as schooling, religion, discipline, etc. Good luck.

 

[Kurn]

I'd suggest considering co-operating with a lesbian/feminist couple who have similar aspirations. Each kid would have FOUR PARENTS!!!!

 

[NewHampshireBoy]

I think it's a great idea with the exception of the buying the house together. What will happen if and when one or both of you fall in love with someone? How will that work out with a shared house and child?

 

[Nonimus]

My tuppence worth is that I'm Gay and therefore reproduction is out of the question. I have no desire to father a child or adopt, the end.

If a gay couple in a loving committed relationship wish to adopt, and the aim is not to play 'happy families' but rather to give a loving home to a child who would otherwise spend its life in an institution is admirable and should be supported and applauded.

But the 'family' scenario which you are introducing this child too is fickle and unstable - in my opinion the child would be confused as fuck - I disagree with Joeslifeyork strongly over the 'made illegal' comments (that's dull as fuck Joe!) but i do agree with his 'selfishness' sentiments. A child is not a play thing and just to find the nearest willing womb is beyond my comprehension - having a baby with your 'best freind'??? What kind of start in life is that for the kid?

 

[Nonimus]

I'll tell you what - here's an opinion that you'll like because its what you want to hear:

Go for it! Create this 'family' scenario and ignore everything that everyone has said so far - pretend that none of the problems that people here have addressed will happen.

How about that?

 

[Nonimus]

You and Joe are among the 1/3 of gays who voted Republican, right? I'm surprised you wouldn't be more open-minded.

I am British, and have very little interest in American politics. However, you have proved my point - you only wish to hear what you want to hear - any one disagreeing is up for ridicule.

I am open minded to gays adopting children, however, creating some kind of time-share child i'm against, i'm thinking of the child's welfare - you are obviously not.

 

[operafan]

I am absolutely all for gays adopting. I absolutely believe they can be every bit as good of parents as straight couples.

Your situtation is different in that you are not in a committed relationship. I'm not saying it wouldn't work because it could. It just seems to make it more complicated.

 

[Nonimus]

Maybe it's not so much of what I want to hear so much as it me not being able to believe you have such little faith in our own kind.

Little faith in the situation you described - not our own kind, if you go back and read what i wrote you'll see i'm supportive of Gay's adopting and thinks its noble if brought up in the stucture of a loving relationship - not a mish-mash of unrelated peoples.

And again, if you don't want to hear my 'unbelievable' opinions - don't ask for them.

 

[Nonimus]

Ok put it this way.

Perhaps in manchester or Brighton or other locations throughout the world it would be alright.

But here, in Yorkshire - you'd get your fucking face smashed in especially here in York. York is by nature a very Bigoted city. IF you study the history of it you will see it has thousands of years history of intolerance.

Its not what i want, its not that i support the attitude of society - but in order to stay out of A&E you tend not to do things which would result in such actions.

Sorry mate, that don't wash - I don't believe in using kids as a means of defusing prejudice by any means - but i can't believe that every single person 'oop nort' is a red necked homophobe.

Newport has to be one of the most narrow minded places to live in the UK, but even here gays are tolerated - if open and honest. There are many examples of kids being brought up in gay relationships that turn out 'normal' and just fine, even in the UK.

Kids will be bullied for being fat, being tall, being short - or even for just saying something dumb at the wrong time - to refuse a child a loving home 'just in case' it gets bullied is more cruel than anything another child could say in class.

It's this guy's situation i disagree with, the situation the child will be brought into and brought up in - he asked for our opinions and the majority of people on this board have given him fair warning and arguments of good foundation against the idea. He doesn't want to listen - that's what's worrying me.

 

[hotdog1846]

StarCrasher, I wonder if you're more looking for affirmation of something you've already got your heart set on doing than looking for our honest opinions.

joeslifeyork makes some excellent points, albeit stated rather forcefully. In most parts of the world, two men raising children would be very difficult, not because of anything inherently wrong with their child rearing capabilities, but because of the reaction from society. Unfortunately, the intolerance would inevitably spill over onto the child.

On the other hand, if nobody *ever* takes the plunge and proves the naysayers wrong, society will never change.

I think the number one consideration should be what's best for the child. Being brought up in an exceptionally politically polarized environment would be unfair to the child, because they would end up as political tools, not as human beings who deserve the best start in life they can get. On the other hand, if you can provide a stable, secure, loving home in an accepting community, more power to you. I know a few gay couples who are doing exactly the latter, and their children are fortunate to have parents such as they do.

Stability includes the people who the child looks to as parental figures, which is the second concern I have. I know many, many children of straight couples being raised with multiple step-parents due to divorce and remarriage and it's so very hard on the children. So many parental figures. I think there needs to be legal commitment between the people raising the children and legal commitment between the adults and the child. That will provide structure and options for the future as changes come into the lives of all the adults involved. Although everyone may have the best of intentions now and today -- reality is that changes happen. Jobs are lost. Relatives get old and die. People fall in love with someone else. No matter how optimistically you see things now, you cannot predict the future and, for the good of the child, there needs to be legal clarity as to what happens to the child.

Good luck.

 

[Nonimus]

StarCrasher, I wonder if you're more looking for affirmation of something you've already got your heart set on doing than looking for our honest opinions.

joeslifeyork makes some excellent points, albeit stated rather forcefully. In most parts of the world, two men raising children would be very difficult, not because of anything inherently wrong with their child rearing capabilities, but because of the reaction from society. Unfortunately, the intolerance would inevitably spill over onto the child.

On the other hand, if nobody *ever* takes the plunge and proves the naysayers wrong, society will never change.

I think the number one consideration should be what's best for the child. Being brought up in an exceptionally politically polarized environment would be unfair to the child, because they would end up as political tools, not as human beings who deserve the best start in life they can get. On the other hand, if you can provide a stable, secure, loving home in an accepting community, more power to you. I know a few gay couples who are doing exactly the latter, and their children are fortunate to have parents such as they do.

Stability includes the people who the child looks to as parental figures, which is the second concern I have. I know many, many children of straight couples being raised with multiple step-parents due to divorce and remarriage and it's so very hard on the children. So many parental figures. I think there needs to be legal commitment between the people raising the children and legal commitment between the adults and the child. That will provide structure and options for the future as changes come into the lives of all the adults involved. Although everyone may have the best of intentions now and today -- reality is that changes happen. Jobs are lost. Relatives get old and die. People fall in love with someone else. No matter how optimistically you see things now, you cannot predict the future and, for the good of the child, there needs to be legal clarity as to what happens to the child.

Good luck.

In his usual northern in-ya-face way, i think this is what Joe was trying to say. Albeit inadequetly

 

[1st love ron]

The way I see it, the cost of being gay is no kids. That's part of the deal. I'm not saying it's immoral, but that is the conclusion that I've conjured up in my mind. I guess it's easy for me to say that because I have zero desire to have a brood of kids. Why people, gay or straight, would want kids is beyond me.

 

[Nonimus]

I'd like affirmation but the intention of this thread is mostly to gauge support within the community. Not wanting honest opinions (whether I agree with them or not) would defeat that purpose.

But that's the path you've gone down. And you've disagreed with what the majoirty of GAY people have said - on your own head be it!

 

[Nonimus]

so go for it - why ask us what we think? Create your multi-coloured-swap-shop for your 'offspring'

Just as long as you realise Will and Grace is a Tv show and not reality, you'll do just fine mate.

 

[pjlikesporn]

The way I see it, the cost of being gay is no kids. That's part of the deal.

It's only part of the deal if you stipulate that children should only be had by biological parents. But once you accept any kind of adoption, then you have to decide whether gay people should be disqualified from it--but it's not a foregone conclusion.

I see it quite the opposite: The benefit of being gay is no unexpected or unplanned kids. But like everyone else, gays should have their fair shot at adoption.