How to trust somone who lied to you?

[relejandro12]

Have you ever given a second chance to someone who lied you?

I know this guy who I would meet regularly as a sex buddy. Although I care for him it is with mixed feelings and I don't want a relationship with him. We became friends but have grown apart and gone from talking regularly to not talking at all for over 4 months. Here's why...

I meet him through a hook up app. Since the beginning he didn't want to show me his face. But we talked more and eventually he sent me one pic of a guy.

But when I compared his body pictures and his face pictures they didn't matched . I knew right away it wasn't his actual face but I wanted to continue since he sparked my curiosity.

Eventually, we would chat more and found out I was right since he sent me later on his real face picture (totally different from the first one).

We chatted more and there was physical attraction. So we finally met one day. We talked a bit about our lives, he told me his name and his job.

Then, we would meet at hotels to hook up and this went on for couple of times. The first time was good but I think he was nervous and cautious . But the second time we developed this complicity in bed and was way more fun since I could see more of his personality because he was more on confidence, which made that time hotter since then on. There was benefits but we also had chemistry.

But one time after several hook up meetings he told me he was leaving to go abroad to study a masters degree and he wanted to come clean with me about something he had been carrying on: he had lied to me about his name, job and identity. He explained to me that he was scared and he was acting cautious because one time a guy he meet through an app wanted to blackmail him and extort him so, he didn't want to go through that again having his identity exposed since he's discrete. (Important fact: we live in conservative society so being fully open is not as easy.)

I was so shocked, hurt and outraged of such a lie . But due the fact that he was leaving for a year or more in few days since he came clean with me, I decided to forgive him and keep seeing him because I liked him (as a friend and as a friend with benefits).

He told me he thought our meeting wouldn't go further than a one night stand since it would be just sex but our bond grew over that and he was feeling awful about the lies as he got to know me more. He apologized extensively and told me heartfelt things about how sorry he was and how much he appreciated me. Told me he has a very hard time trusting people (specially since the blackmailing episode !), that he overthinks a lot and he understood if I didn't want to keep seeing him again but he realized I was a good guy and he trusted me so he wanted to keep me close because he valued me and he didn't want to loose me as a friend since he got to know me better.

I truly felt he regretted it and he was talking from the heart. Also, after reading him I recognized his fear in muyself because many years ago I did the same with someone when I had fear of trusting others and wanted to protect myself too.

So even after he went abroad, we kept chatting for about a year regularly and our friendship bond grew. He came back to my country at the beginning of this year with the pandemic and we kept chatting so the friendship was developing.

But the problems and insecurities arose when one day he wanted to add me on social media and I didn't want it. (I try not adding the men I go out with to my social media since I have friends, colleagues and family to whom I'm not openly gay). We both live very nearby so in different occasions he wanted to ask me where I lived but I was reluctant or avoided the subject because despite the friendship, I realized I didn't trust him fully. I know he is complex guy and he doesn't open much with his emotions or personal life so I realized that all those feelings I had when he first came clean with me were bottled inside due to the fact that I had prioritized spending time with him before his journey abroad. Therefore, I never truly processed well how much it bothered me that he had been dishonest with me till now that he's back.

It's been 4 months without talking to him and I do miss him, but despite I like him (as a friend) I actually don't know if I can open up with him talking again and trust him. He says he overthinks stuff and he has a hard time opening with people, but he's also very smart, strategic and analytic so I don't know if he's truly changed or if he could lie to me in such a way in the future.

(One time, after asking him if he'd lie again to someone else in the future, he told me that If he was in the same situation with another guy in a hooking up app, he would lie again about his identity to protect himself. And I've found out he's in fact given a fake name to another guy recently).

I'd like to talk to him again and recover our friendship cause I think there's good in him. But I don't know how can I be sure his worthy of being trusted.

What do you recommend I should do do?

How could I have more of a certainty that after the lie episode he's truly honest with me or he can be trusted?

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

 

[bs29697]

With what you've told us about your friend he would have to be kept at arms length and re-earn a position of trust in your life. He could still be a casual friend to have a lunch or dinner with if you choose to do that.

Brian

 

[Autolycus]

It seems to me that as he is anxious to hide his identity, he merely wants to play the field rather than have any kind of relationship. Maybe you should forget him and find someone that you can trust and who wants to share your desires. You are wasting opportunities by hankering after that guy.

 

[relejandro12]

UPDATE - UPDATE - UPDATE - UPDATE :

About 6 months have passed since the guy and I stopped talking to each other. (which is a lot since we used to talk somehow daily or over the week). I sent him a short message on his bitdhay some weeks ago to what he replied and said it was nice to hear from me. We chatted shortly asking how we're we doing during the pandemic, work and stuff and it was it.

But after a few days he would initiate conversation all of a sudden and dropped a line to say hello. We kept the chat kind but short... he was kind and wanted to make some funny comments but I replied kindly but with not too much effusiveness or sense of proximity from as we used to; then we would stop talking for other days... but he started the chat saying "hey" another day and we had the short kind/dry small talk again but it was something.

This indicates me that despite the long time thst its been, he's interested to start our friendship/talking again and I've come to think he deserves a second chance. I miss his friendship and I wouldn't want this to end in a bad way and be forgotten. I'd like to get back to talking as when we were friends but there's so much to discuss and I truly don't know how to handle this trust/lying problems well.

When this whole problem started he said he didn't know what could he do to earn my trust. And I honestly want to trust him, but I don't know how can I do that and what can he do to get to that point. Asking him to open up about his life is the first that comes to my mind... But he's very reserved.

If you could have any advice on how could he prove himself trustworthy or how to handle this I'd appreciate it a lot and thank you all for reading.