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I'm really sorry but it's another afraid to come out thread...

The_Aviator

The_Aviator

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Hey All!

I'm really sorry to have to start another 'afraid to come out' thread but I need some advice.

I'm 20 years old and have known for around 2-3 years that I am gay. I'm still totally in the closet and no-one has the slightest idea that I am gay.

The reason that I am totally afraid to come out to my family and friends is because of the way they are. Let me explain...everytime we are watching TV at home and a scene comes on that has anything to do with homosexuality whether it be a gay kiss or whatever, my Mum shudders with disgust and says that it's disgusting. Another reason that i'm afraid is that my Mum isn't very well and she suffers from MS...I really don't want to make her ill by telling her incase it stresses her out or something.

My friends and family are constantly trying to fix me up with a girl but for obvious reasons I don't want to be.

I know that I should be proud of who I am and I am...kinda but I really want my friends and family to be proud as well and seeing the way they act with me I can't really see it happening.

Any advice would be greately appreciated...you guys are amazing.

Keep Flying High...The Aviator
 
Hi Aviator, and welcome.

I have a couple of thoughts. First, perhaps your mother already knows or suspects--hence the shudder and nasty comments. She wouldn't be the first mother to voice her condemnation on a suspicion of her own son, hoping he gets the message that it's not cool in her eyes.

Second, I've always felt that people should know only to the extent they have the ability to accept the truth. If they are volatile, untrustworthy, judgemental, or unaccepting, then they don't deserve to know the truth and have not earned our trust and respect. That can go for immediate family members as well as it can for the person you just met at a party.

Third, you're 20 and still living at home evidently. Any chance of getting out on your own soon? As soon as you do, you will detach from your family and no longer be so dependent on their approval. You'll always love them (I hope!), but their day-to-day approval won't be so important. What will be is your own love and approval of yourself and you can begin being true to yourself.

Turning down dates, and not sparking an interest in hookups/introductions, and making no effort to date women on your own is a big tip-off to people, unless they're totally daft. We never seem to cover our tracks as well as we think we do. I wouldn't be surprised if they know or suspect.

Good luck. Hope everything turns out OK. Keep in touch and let us know.
(*8*)
 
I have to say coming out was for me the best thing I ever did or ever will do.
It's your life, why suffer and pretend to be someone you are not?
Begin by getting your own place, then start telling people, perhaps a close friend or family member. Once you start to tell people if it turns out anything like it did for me it will get easier and easier. As for your parents, well, that may be the hard one, but they need to understand that being gay is not a choice but who you are, and how you were born, many people still don't know that, and once they do it becomes easier for them to accept it. You have to educate people about what it means to be gay, let them know you are still the same great guy they have always loved.
It's a tough thing to do, I know, but it's better than living your whole life trying to be what you are not just to satisfy someone else. It's just not fair, you deserve to be happy and that can be hard when you live in a closet.
Good luck (*8*)
 
Moving out is always a good first step. If you can't do that, then its time to find an allie. Either within your family or without. Just one person with whom you can confide that you are gay. It will help and with that person in your corner, you can later take on the rest of the family.

In my case, it was my older brother who, by the way, was the christian zealot of our family. He was also the most clear headed person I knew and he had in the past confided in me so I knew I could in him. When the shit hit the fan at home, he moved into place rapidly to do damage control. And what a great job he did!

Coming out to one person can change your life. Can you think of someone, anyone?
 
Hey guys, thanks very much for your advice, I really do appreciate it. I am still living at home which will hopefully change soon to give me a little more independence. I'm sure that 'coming out' will be the best thing i've ever done in life and I'm looking forward to it.

I can think of a few people who I could come out to who I know will be supportive so I'm thinking about giving that a try.

Anyways, thanks again for all your advice guys. You're all stars in my books!
 
I would also consider what it is you want them to be proud in. The person you are while you suffer under their own unknown repression? Or the person you are when you are happy in being honest with yourself?

A lot of guys worry about dishonoring or shaming their parents and friends and family because of their sexuality, but is it any worse than letting them be proud in a lie? To me, it's not. But I do understand why deceiving them so that they won't ever feel disappointed is tempting. I've been there, too.

But in the end, you have to realize not that it's nothing to be ashamed of, but that you know it's nothing to be ashamed of. When you know that you know it's nothing to be ashamed of (confusing?) then you also know that your friends and family shouldn't be basing their shame on this. They should be basing it on anything else you do. It's all about perspective and you know that being out and proud is not wrong, so if you have nothing else to make them disappointed, then they're only makignt hemselves feel bad, not you.

If people want to make themselves unhappy, it's their business and not your fault.

And as well, it's your life to live, not theirs. They should base their happiness on their own lives, not on yours.
 
Very well put, luminum.

Aviator, we all know how awesomely difficult it is to come out to family members. Hang in there! Find the people you trust most to be supportive, and tell them first. There's nothing more encouraging than confiding in someone and getting a positive response. In order to take on your family, you need that safety net of supporters. You're taking the most difficult step right now. Trust me, it only gets easier.
 
You have the right to your own inner privacy. You have the choice -- share or not share. It's up to you. You can't go thru life worrying whether this person or that person may have a sense of this or a sense of that. This is true not only of this subject matter but so many issues (and non-issues). Hey, it takes time! But I hope this answer gives you some clarity: You are not required to share anything; again, it's a choice. But do remember this: Look after yourself first (no, this is not selfish); because in order to help anyone else, you do have to be able to take care of yourself.
 
Hey guys!

Thought I'd give you all a little update!

I was talking to my friend who I have known for like 12 years the other night and he came out to me and told me that he was Bi. We have arranged to go out for a drink on Friday night and i'm going to come out to him and tell him i'm gay. He's going to be the first person I've told! I'm hoping that this is the start of something good and that I can use this to gain more confidence and come out to a lot more people!

I'll keep ya informed :D
 
What a stroke of fortune. It sounds very exciting to have someone safe to come out to for the first time. You'll never forget him.

Congratulations! Let us know how it goes. :)
 
Well... I did it!

I told my friend yesterday! I couldn't have asked for it to go any better! (He's bi so thats probably why he took it so well)

My god, I've even met this guy and we're going out tomorrow :D WAHOO!
I feel much better now that i've told someone... well two people now (including this new guy ;))
 
Congratulations!!! You've been pretty lucky so far ;) and I'm sure that would be so helpful to your confidence and esteem in coming out to others when the time is right. :D
 
Great news aviator, it looks as if you are about to fly. Look out for bumpy landings along the way, but there's only one way now for you - and that is up, up and away. Joe
 
Sounds wonderful, Aviator. I just went through this myself recently, although I'm much older.

As others said, becoming financially independent of your parents is a big first step. Makes the rest a lot easier.
 
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