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Is it possible to have true friends who are straight?


Sex God
May 22, 2005
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Sometimes I have my doubts.

How would you define what a friend IS and SHOULD be?

In my definition anyways, a friend is someone who you have a lot in common with, and as a result, want to do things together to support and entertain each other.

It seems, "in common" is the key. Can you be really good friends with someone you dont have things in common with? Likley not. You just dont interest each other, and wanting to do different things all the time, while one person hates it, would not work.

All this raises this question: Can you be true friends with a guy who is straight?

To get an idea of how I came to this, I'll refer to my experience.

Before I came out to my friends, they obviously thought I was straight, and as a result, they thought I wanted a girl. Girls are something guys talk about all the time. Its something guys always comment about. Lets face it, the world is sexual, and everything we do somehow relates back to that.

My brother yesterday mentioned how he loved hanging out with one of his friends because they have a lot in common. One of those things is that they talk a lot about girls. He obviously cant do that with me and I got a sense that he was dissapointed and saddened by that fact. Of course my relationship with my brother is much more then that, he is my blood, and our relationship goes much farther than that. However, there is a sense, that is one thing we cant do and in some way it is abit of a downer.

However, when you consider your friends, it seems like a much bigger thing. Now, not so much when you are younger, but the older that I get, the bigger problem it seems to be.

When I was younger, you play computer games with your friends, you play sports, you go to the movies, you go over to each other house, and in many ways, everything that you do, its quiet innocent. Its not so much even that however, its the fact that you are young, and sex is not number 1 yet, or its not out there anyways. The things you discuss with your friends are different. Your head is into these activities almost totally.

So now you fast forward, I have known most of my friends for at least 4 years, some up to 8 or so. Now, we are adults. We are no longer children or young adults. Sex seems to the big thing. Our interests have changed. Its not surprising, but it is a wake up call in some ways, an eye opener so to say. My friends are talking about girls, gf's, some even discussing marriage and children and the only thing I can think of while they are saying this is: "I have nothing in common with these people" Girls do not interest me. I dont think I want to get married. And I doubt I will have children.

Now as an adult, we go clubbing, go to bars (straight of course) and hooking up, sex, and all that is the big thing.

I have mostly accepting friends, and I think it comes down to that. It also comes down to comfortability. I guess its not so much that you cant have a true straight friend, but it seems its increasingly difficult to find ones that are straight, accepting and comfortable with the situation. Accepting meaning that they accept that you are gay and they are "ok" with it, but comfortability means that they have no reservations and they do not find the situation "weird", "ackward" or anything like that.

The fact that my best friend likes girls and I like guys is probably one of the few differences between us. Sexual orientation shouldn't and doesn't affect the levels of friendship you can have.

Both of us are complete dorks for games, spongebob, anime, and computer stuff. We share the same politcal beliefs and can spend tons of time just hanging out doing nothing. We like the same kidns of music as wella s different kinds of music to share with one another. He's the best guy I could ever ask for as a confidant and buddy. Inf act,w e often fall out of interest with things around the same times. He's been supportive of me ever since I came out and has asked me things, listens when I have problems with myf amily or my ex and I do the same for him. He's accepting and embraces who I am. Inf act, he was the one who told me that June was Gay Pride month.

I won't even go into my other straight friends who I count as my closest because this entry would go on forever.

No offense, but to me, this question is preposterous. If you can't relate to your friends just because they're talking about heterosexual marriage, relationships, and having kids, then that's because you a) don't click in other areas b) you have serious baggage about heterosexuality or c) just aren't a good listener.
i've been fortunate enough to meet people who accept me for me. for some strange reason i attract the oppisite to myself. i'm the laid back individual and they are the social butterfly. to me friendships are like relationships. if you have to think about it or try too hard at it it ain't worth it. dude accept it for what it is. if they're fine with it cool, if not fuck'em...
rugbyusa said:
I have some straight friends who know I am gay. They did not know at first, but when I told them, they were ok with it. Nothing has changed in our relationship. They actually treat me like their little brother. They come up behind me and hug me, we work out together, shower together, drink together. They don't act in any way different knowing I am gay. So yes, you can have friendships with straight guys. You just have to find a straight guy that has not been corrupted by the worlds view. One that thinks for himself.

rugbyusa, my friends have not changed how they treat me, but there is this sense that we dont have as much in common as we use to. As adults, sex is on our mind a lot, and knowing what they want, and what I want, its not similar at all.

All my friends accept it, but I dont think they are all comfortable with the idea. So, yes, we make jokes, and everyone is fine. But I dont feel I can get real serious about my life and my plans.

The point is, with us going in what seems to be such different directions, I wonder if our friendship will last.
I have lots in common with my two close straight male friends.
I think that it is unfortunate that "things in common" seems to be limited to sex. While sex is a large part of growing up and adulthood, it isn't everything.

Not only do I think it is possible to have true friends who are straight (and by the way, you seem to be implying that "straight friends" is really "straight MALE friends,") but my best friend is a straight male.
We talk about everything; including sex.
Just because he hasn't or won't experience sex or even kissing a guy, doesn't mean he hasn't experienced intimacy or hurt feelings or relationships in general. Do we go into detail about our sexual escapades? No, not really.

But beyond sex we have a lot in common, and common interests.
But more importantly, we share similar values.
And maybe most important, we have great senses of humour. We can each make the other laugh.
Sometimes we will talk for an hour about nothing. Quite literally.

And as I alluded to before, what about having true straight FEMALE friends? (Which I also have in case you were wondering.) Wouldn't they experience a number of the same things sexually that straight male friends would not?
The fact that I sleep with men and my straight male friends sleep with women is just one little aspect of a very complex friendship. We love the same music. We love action flicks. We enjoy good food and conversation. We are on the same end of the political spectrum. Who we sleep with isn't even an issue.
Of course it is....

My two dearest male friends are str8 as can be, and frankly
could give a f*** about who I'm sleeping with....

It helps to surround yourself with intelligent, open-minded
people. I mean, that's why I became friends with them in the first

That being said, there IS something about the concept of 'falling
for them'. Fortunately, I'm not physically attracted to either of them, so that doesn't get in the way.

I HAVE had str8 friends in the past that I lusted after, and trust me, that never works out. A few beers, a move I shouldn't
have made....

Well, you guys know the score.

There are friends that are friends for life and others come into your life for just a little while. That is what life is all about.

That is true. However, do you agree that generally it makes things a lot more complex because not everyone is accepting and comfortable?

How about the attraction factor? Many say women and men (hetero) cant be friends because they are attracted to each other.
bayern20 said:
How would you define what a friend IS and SHOULD be?


One of my favorite poets, James Kavanaugh puts it best:

"Friendship is freedom, is flowing, is rare... Emptiness brings shadows and crowds easy to replace. Fullness brings a friend. Friendship does not exhaust or cling, except or demand. It is- and that is enough!"


That's who my friends are, straight and gay!

Lol,My best friend is straight and he has been going out with his girlfriend for the past 5 years.
We're just normal best friends,our sexuality never causes problems (well somtimes i get queezy when i see his collection of lezbo porn lol)
We have loads in common,the only thing thats much different is he likes Liverpool and pussy and i like Arsenal and cock......and he cant handle his drink as good as me
One of my straight male friends is happy that I'm gay because there's no competition between us for sexual attention from a potential partner. We have far more to talk about than sex because we share very similar interests. There was the time I was obviously lusting after this cute, young, twink, and another of my straight male friends (SMF) called me a Catholic priest. My response was that I'd seen him lust after enough pretty, young, things to be called a dirty old man. We had an absolute great laugh over that one.

At the same time, I have gay male friends and we aren't preoccupied with sex either. It might come up (as it does with a straight friend), but it's not our be-all-end-all. Even in a romantic relationship, I want more than what happens sexually. Maybe it's something that's come with maturity.
psylockespears said:
Lol,My best friend is straight and he has been going out with his girlfriend for the past 5 years.
We're just normal best friends,our sexuality never causes problems (well somtimes i get queezy when i see his collection of lezbo porn lol)
We have loads in common,the only thing thats much different is he likes Liverpool and pussy and i like Arsenal and cock......and he cant handle his drink as good as me put that well.

I guess its me. Maybe I am uncomfortable to truly open up about the life I imagine for myself with friends who viewed me as a straight guy before. (maybe it will come, but I'm not there yet)
Of course you can have straight friends, just like you can have married friends, older friends, younger friends...

Friends are people you are comfortable with, whose company you enjoy. Like so many people have always said, who you are sexually attracted to is but a small part of who you are. There are so many other aspects of your personality that you share with a wide variety of friends.
I think the problem is that you have straight friends who aren't as comfortable and accepting and holistic as you want them to be, so you've assumed or begun to question whether or not straight men in general can be that type of friend you lack. The thing is, it's not straight men in general, it's your friends who happen to be straight men. There are many, mnay straight men who are comfortable talking about same sex issues and will listen and comment on a friend's same sex issues with all the empathy and support that they would give another straight guy friend or girl or whatever.

I don't think it's you (though it could be) and I think it's your friends.
I agree with Luminum on this, as well as a bunch of the others. While sex is important to life, it should not be a hindrance to a friendship. No two people have identical personalities, so the emphasis on what they have "in common" can only go so far. Beyond that, a friendship requires emotional support for one another.
Tadzio DaVeneto said:
I dont define myself by my sexaulity. Just because I am not attracted to the same things my friends are, doesnt mean we have nothing in common. There is so much else. And Im not one to wear my orientation on my sleeve. It just doesnt come up all that much. I think gay people who talk about nothing but how gay they are, become annoying after a while. This is American-homosexual syndrome. Once out of the closet, American gays always seem to feel the need to constantly remind everyone that theyre gay and proud to make up for the years of hiding or something. It feels nice to be out. Ive never had any issue with being in or out or whatever. So its not something I really make a big fuss over, and I have no problem maintaining friendships with all sorts of people.

Well said! Kudos!!
Thats right.

However, I think you are living on freaken mars if you dont discuss sexual stuff with your friends. (and I mean ALL the time) That is the most discussed subject out there. It gets in to conversation somehow all the time. So, IMO, there definetley has to be a comfortability with that.

Its a work in progress for me. Ever since I came out to friends maybe 6 months ago now, it has been work on my part and their part to get really comfortable talking about things. They accept it, but discussing things can get all of us abit uncomfortable, myself included. I knew myself as a straight guy not long ago either.
My best friend is straight. Although he didn't know I was gay from the beginning he does now. He's completely comfortable with me, even when I innocently flirt with him.