I've no idea what to do.

[Howlly]

Be prepared,

So, I've been with my partner for about two and a half years. We met online, as friends at first, not thinking that either of us would be attracted to eachother due to the age gap (I'm 21, he's 45). Anyway, we get together, I move in with him and we start our life.

At first it was good, but everything seems to have been getting worse since then. He's constantly agitated, grumpy and snappy at me. He works REALLY long hours, I'm talking 60+ a week minimum. I can understand this but feel I should be an escape from work, not a verbal punchbag.

The sex, and sexual activity in general has been dwindling for a while now. The big thing that I knew from the start is that he has erection problems, he has done all of his life. I accepted this straight away, I'm primarily a top and there is plenty more to do. I don't know personally, but does this mean he has a lower sex drive? He's just totally not interested, I feel like I have to push it all the time, and then when I do he doesn't like it because it feels forced, I'm at a loss.

He also only likes to suck me,rim me etc when "he fancies it", he's been like this all the time, I don't know if it's squeamish or if he's just not that interested? I love him to bits, honestly I do, and he is the most kind hearted, selfless person I have ever met, bar none. He will put all of his family, friends and anyone else before himself. Hell, we've even got his Mother living downstairs after his Dad died and she couldn't cope. He is amazing in that way. I just don't know if I can be in a relationship with such little sex?

Also, everytime I bring it up it just feels like I'm repeating myself and nothing ever comes of it. He is a particular person, and I know he wouldn't let me "do him" without him being perfectly clean first, which I appreciate, but really there has got to be atleast a few days a month when he's ready and we're both free. We do work opposite shifts (He works days, I work evenings) so we only really get weekends, but still!

Arghh, I'm ranting now, I just don't know what to do. Part of me just wants a great, horny sweaty fuck, but I'm just not the type of person to go out and do it with some random. I truly do love him and want to make it work but he's so damn stressed out and has been for ages, he hates himself 'cause he's put on weight and he's just generally miserable and I can't do anything to pull him out of it.

I know he loves me, and I know he would bring me the world if he could. It's just, our sex-drives are so different, will it ever work? Do you guys think he should push a little further because of his problem? Or am I being too demanding?

I'm sorry if this post is totally non-coherent but I'm having a mini-freakout here.

 

[Benvolio]

At his age men have less sex drive than at 21. It will not get better. You will gradually become more of a caregiver than a partner. You might suggest an open relationship in which you meet other guys for sex. Other than that I suggest you move on.

 

[Howlly]

At his age men have less sex drive than at 21. It will not get better. You will gradually become more of a caregiver than a partner. You might suggest an open relationship in which you meet other guys for sex. Other than that I suggest you move on.

An open relationship isn't an option for me, I don't agree with it. Also, I don't agree with a generalization of "As you get older your sex drive lessens". I have previously been with older men who have had a rampant sex drive, as high or even higher than mine, it's on an individual basis.

 

[Seasoned]

This has to be discussed with him. And all of it has to be discussed from the erection issues to the well scrubbed preparedness, to his self esteem, to the age difference, to his mother downstairs. Perhaps it's as simple as not being obvious with her in the house.

You're not going to know what to do next until this is all in the open. If you have difficultly doing it one on one suggest couple's counseling. You may have to state an ultimatum, but, if you do, make sure you're able and willing to follow through on it.

Take care.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's two questions here-

1. Whether there's a fix to put your relationship back on track.
2. Whether it's worth the effort.

It's difficult to get an accurate picture of the situation from a single post but just to recap:

• Work seems to be priority 1 for him and you falls somewhere further down on the list. This assumes that those 60 hours are being spent at work and not with someone else.
• Communication seems very one-way with you expressing your feelings and him not doing anything about it.
• You're in the prime of your sexuality and he's not willing or able to satisfy you.
• He's emotionally and verbally abusive.

So this leaves a question- if you're unhappy, it doesn't sound like he's going to do anything to change the situation, then why are you still with him?

I've no idea what to do.

Perhaps. But it sounds like you know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

 

[Howlly]

I wouldn't call him abusive, I just know that he takes his anger out on me. It's not in the way of f'ing and blinding, but it's in more of a ill say something, and he will make a comment with a snappy tone.

The 60 hours are definitely being spent at his work, I ring the work phone throughout the day, he's always there and he wouldnt cheat, he doesn't have it in him.

I have spoken to him openly about it, He knows exactly how it's affecting me but doesn't seem able to change it at the moment. He's on anti depressents, which I know lower your sex drive. I appreciate the cleanliness, as I would be exactly the same if it was the other way around.

You guys are probably right though, im not sure if it is worth it at my age. He's definitely not all bad as I said before, he's genuinely one of the nicest people I've met and I know he's just taking his frustrations out on me because there's nobody else to rant at, but I don't know if I should be coping with this at my age.


Thanks for the suggestions and advice folks.

 

[AngolaZee]

Just out of curiousity, are you guys married? Does he own the house 100% or do you share ownership?

 

[Howlly]

Just out of curiousity, are you guys married? Does he own the house 100% or do you share ownership?

No, we're not married and he owns the house and I put towards household bills/expenses/etc. Why do you ask?

 

[Howlly]

Oh, and before anyone asks, I'm not staying because of financial security. I'm on the same wage as him, and have more disposable income despite the hours he works. If needed be, I could have the rent/bond money in a month.

I guess I've painted a bad picture, with all of this there are brilliant aspects to the relationship and of him. It just seems like a never ending circle though. If he works, he gets tired, he gets stressed, he gets grumpy, he eats crap food because he doesn't have time to eat properly, he puts on weight, he gets miserable and feels unattractive, gets grumpier and snappy.

On the flipside, if he doesn't work as much, he worries about money, gets stressed, comfort eats, gets fat and snappy. Lmao.

On the good side, I've never felt more comfortable with someone in my life, I've never felt more protected and I haven't felt more loved and has done so much to help me out when we first got together and I was struggling.

Am I overreacting to the grumpiness? In a relationship, is it healthy to be able to be comfortable enough with somebody that you can take your stress out on them? Should I assume he doesn't mean it and just ignore it? What he says and does isn't malicious, he doesn't call me names, it's more that he'll be sarcastic or make a comment that makes me feel stupid.

 

[Georgiadude]

It's hard to say if you are overreacting or not. We can't see his expressions or hear his tone and the words he's using. I think a big part of his erection issues and low sex drive is probably related to his medications. Antidepressants can really have a negative effect in that department. The meds are probably affecting his mood as well. How long has it been since he last saw his doctor? I think it may be time for a check up. If possible try to go with him. You may be able to talk to the doctor and let them know how things are going. Your bf may not be telling the doctor how stressed he is or how the medications are affecting him. Most antidepressants cause you to gain weight. He may need to have his testosterone level checked as well.

As far as the relationship goes you need to get his attention. Whether it's a heart to heart talk or you telling him you need a break from the relationship. I think he's just taking you for granted and your not really a priority in his life right now. He's really busy with work and has the added stress of his mother living with you. He may be lashing out at you and not even realize he's doing it. Im not excusing what he's doing. He is responsible for his actions and I think he's being an ass tbh. My ex and I had a very similar situation happen. The lack of sex and intimacy was just a sign of the bigger problems in our relationship. If you want this relationship to work I strongly suggest some couples counseling. He needs to see his doctor to rule out some physical issues and you need to have some couples counseling or this relationship is doomed.

Steven.

 

[KaraBulut]

I wouldn't call him abusive, I just know that he takes his anger out on me.

That is the definition of abuse.

It's not always about physical violence. Anytime one person is repeatedly taking out their anger on another person- whether it's words or deeds- it is abusive. And by accepting the abuse, you eventually begin to believe it is your fault and it begins to undermine your self-esteem/self-confidence.

Am I overreacting to the grumpiness? In a relationship, is it healthy to be able to be comfortable enough with somebody that you can take your stress out on them? Should I assume he doesn't mean it and just ignore it? What he says and does isn't malicious, he doesn't call me names, it's more that he'll be sarcastic or make a comment that makes me feel stupid.

The fatal flaw in this relationship is not his grumpiness. It's the fact that he has no reason and no intention of changing the situation.

Because it bears repeating:

it sounds like you know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

 

[Howlly]

So, we talked about it last night, I actually got some stuff out of him. He said it's all his fault, he knows that I've done nothing wrong and that he's just picking at me because he's stressed about other things. I told him it has to stop, and that I can't deal with it anymore, and basically just told him to really think about whether he can be bothered with it, he said he can but he's just finding life hard at the moment and waking up in the morning is bad enough.

I asked him if he would be better without me here, and his reply being he's scared of how bad he will get if I'm not here. And I went through basically everything that was bothering me and explained how it's affecting me, I told him I'm ready to walk out the door, but would prefer not to,which is totally true. I've got to give him a real chance at changing this, if he can't do it, then I'm gone. He felt horrible at this point and got teary, which in a way is nice because that's the real him, an emotional soppy git who isn't afraid of just letting it out, recently he's just been bottling it up so much that he's became toughened.

Hell, I even said to him if he wants someone to take it out on, just ask me 'cause I'm always good for a spankin'! Ahahaha!

Seriously though, thank you all for your comments. Gave me the courage to get it all out there, I've told him to go back to his doctor, maybe they can arrange for him to speak to someone impartial.

 

[Georgiadude]

Im very glad to hear that you were able to talk with him. It always feels better to get those feelings that have been bottled up for so long off of you chest. Now he needs to follow through with what he said he was going to do. There's going to be some bumps in the road along the way but be sure to call him on it right away. Don't let it sit and fester again.

He definitely needs to see his doctor. Not only for his depression and mood swings but for his erection issues as well. There are many treatments and medications available now that can help him. It would probably help his self esteem a lot.

Best wishes.

Steven.

 

[Howlly]

Im very glad to hear that you were able to talk with him. It always feels better to get those feelings that have been bottled up for so long off of you chest. Now he needs to follow through with what he said he was going to do. There's going to be some bumps in the road along the way but be sure to call him on it right away. Don't let it sit and fester again.

He definitely needs to see his doctor. Not only for his depression and mood swings but for his erection issues as well. There are many treatments and medications available now that can help him. It would probably help his self esteem a lot.

Best wishes.

Steven.

The erection issues have been life long, he's had all the medical tests, anything that could even be mildly related to it he's tried with no avail. He has Cialis so we get on fine usually with that, I know from being on anti-dep's (Citalopram, which is what he is currently on) that it does lower your sex drive and makes it harder to come so that partnered with his erection issues is going to be hard.

His doctors put it down to trauma as a child, he had a problem with the tendons in his ankles and was in and out of hospital having operations to have them corrected. He hasn't lost the ability to have regular erections, he's just never had it.

We're thinking of hypnotheraphy though next, he really wants it done but it's pricey and he's not 100% sold on the idea so I may buy him the sessions for his birthday which is coming up in October, it's a long shot but if it worked, he would be over the moon, I think if the erection issues were fixed he'd be a different person.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm going to suggest couple's counseling in addition to him visiting his doc. He ought to get a referral to a psychiatrist as they are best finding the correct anti-depressant at the correct dosage. There's a lot of different medications out there and some don't interfer with sex as much as others. I can personally testify as to the difference between Zoloft and Cymbalta.

The suggestion for counseling together comes from the notion that his taking all the blame, saying you're correct and he will change is a classic response from someone who doesn't want to lose a partner. It's not all him and he can't change by himself. He'll be back to the old patterns very quickly. Seeing a therapist together gets ALL the issues on the table and allows you to practice new behaviors together. If the two of you aren't interested in going that route I'm afraid you'll just be postponing your departure.

All relationships have issues and all require constant communication and work. There can be a happily ever after but there are trials along the way. Good luck to you both.

 

[Howlly]

I wouldn't say he takes all the blame, he did add "I rub him the wrong way" and "i can be pushy" and I guess I can, it's in my nature and he should be somewhat used to it. I'm willing to hold back if he is too, it's all about give and take.

I've very little experience with anything counselling related, I've been through hell and back in my short little life and to me, if the problems I have had in the past haven't pushed me to a point where I thought I needed counselling, I'm not sure this problem is going to either. Why is anyone else qualified to tell me how I'm feeling? I realise how dismissive that sounds, but it's true. This relationship is between two people, and two people alone and if we're both committed to carrying on this relationship (I can honestly say, I am) it will work and if one of us isn't, then it won't.

I've put my cards on the table and he's put his, what more is there to do than this?

I'll definitely talk to him about going back to see his doctor about the medication side of it though. I can't imagine myself saying anything in counselling that I wouldn't say to his face. I've learnt that you need to be direct with people, or you'll get shat on. I don't want to divulge my past here publicly, but certain events have taught me that I can be nothing but honest, open and frank with any type of partner, or close relation, it's physically impossible.

 

[Seasoned]

The point is that together you have the answers but the counselor is a neutral party who can keep you on track until you both get it right. If you don't believe me look up, as an example, fair fighting rules. If the two of you don't now practice them that's reason enough to go. Besides, any residuals from your past will affect every one of your relationships and even most casual encounters. There's no merit badge for toughening it out on your own. I really wish you well or I wouldn't have taken the time to respond. Defensiveness is a wall put up to protect something. take care and good luck.

 

[Howlly]

The point is that together you have the answers but the counselor is a neutral party who can keep you on track until you both get it right. If you don't believe me look up, as an example, fair fighting rules. If the two of you don't now practice them that's reason enough to go. Besides, any residuals from your past will affect every one of your relationships and even most casual encounters. There's no merit badge for toughening it out on your own. I really wish you well or I wouldn't have taken the time to respond. Defensiveness is a wall put up to protect something. take care and good luck.

No, you're right, I was being defensive, I apologise. I'm just a young lad trying not to repeat history, and your's and everyone else's advice is invaluable. I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to my nonsense, heh (Especially because of how erratic it all is!). It means a lot that people that don't even know me take the time out to lend a helping hand.

Seasoned, I'll take on board your advice for counselling, I'll pursue it with an open mind and whatever outcome it has, atleast I will know that I have given it a shot. I'll speak to him about it tomorrow, and also about seeing the Doctor. We're going on our first alone Holiday together on October 6th and I'm thinking that the trip is going to be a make it or break it situation, but we will see.

Thank you all for your advice, you are all wonderful, selfless people.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't worry about it and thanks for your message. Everyone should always remember this about advice: take what you like and leave the rest. Anyone giving well meaning advice does so from their own perspective. The get-a-way sounds lovely. Have a good time! And, again, I appreciate your reply. You're a good guy trying to do the right thing.