Lost/alone

[nvrno]

This is my first attempt at posting. My story goes like this.

I grew up in a suburban area where I was not exposed to or knew what "gay" was growing up. I have a sister who is somewhat more worldly than I am, a mother that is extremely religous, and a father who I feel is somewhere in the middle. As i got older and started to realize what I was attracted to sexually, I never questioned aloud my feelings. I grew up under the mindfuck known as my mother's love. I was forced to go to church and lived under very strict rules while in her household.

It was'nt very long before I moved to live with my father, mainly because I wanted him to be in my life, but I did not like living with my mother as she remarried. The man she remarried was very cruel and would constantly tease and for lack of a better term mentally abuse my sister and I. My mother was no help as she had no internal strength and would bury herself in the church. I felt really bad about moving away from my mother and probably do to this day, but I was miserable in her home. This all took place at around the age of 10.

I moved in with my dad which was quite a distance from my mother and sister. My father did a great job of raising me as he could, when he couldn't be with me due to his job, I stayed at my grandparents ( his parents ). He was a policeman and worked as you can imagine odd hours, this worked well as my grandparents lived in a better school district than he did at the time. I grew up knowing that he loved me and my sister dearly and did his best for us as a single parent. My grandmother and grandfather were among the greatest heroes in my life and largley shaped who I am today. I grew up to be a very caring, accepting and compassionate person because of their love. I am the "go to" person to all of my friends. My friends range in age from 20 to 40+, my friends know that they can call me and count on me at any time and I will try to help them as much as I can.

I am now thirty and feel all alone. I throughout my life have tried to have a relationship with my mother, even going back to church hoping that would bring us together. I will start to allow her back into my life and all will be fine for awhile, but then she will try to "save" me. By this I mean that according to her beliefs, if I have not accepted Jesus into my life I will not go to heaven and that those around me who do not accept will perish as well. I try to live right, I don't do drugs, steal, etc... I was involved in church at a young age and retained some of those beliefs and morals throughout my life.

Trust me growing up with a father who was a cop and a mother who is a religous fanatic I was bound to be damned for something. Anyway as time went on I found it more and more dificult to relate to my mother and her beliefs, she is pretty much lost and lives in her delusions. She is what gives Christians a bad rap, close minded, condemning and devoid of accepting the possibility of another opinion. The point of this post( I swear I have one) is that noone except one friend and my sister knows of me being gay. I came out to my sister a few months ago and she was fine with it, the one friend is practically the mayor of "Gaytown" so she is accepting and a big part of my life. I wish I was not afraid to be or say that I am gay, but I fear that due to years of my mother's/churches teaching and doctrines that I will never be comfortable with it. I don't really feel comfortable telling my other friends or family as I still don't feel That being gay is ok.

I still have to lead a double life not only with friends and family, but with coworkers as well. I work in a career that is or has been predominately heterosexual and not very accepting. During the week I am the "straight" guy and on the weekends I can be a little more "free". It seems that just as I start to accept who I am, either my mother's little voice in my head starts discreditting my happiness or I loose my nerve and start to feel guilty for being gay.

I am the last of the males in my family, so the bloodline ends with me if I don't have children. I don't see myself at this point or in the future being in a relationship with a man or a woman, I don't see or want children either. I don't even feel comfortable dating or meeting another guy. I know that I am attracted to men, but I freak if I am shown any interest by another guy or if I find myself interested in another guy. I think it has to do with years of hearing that homosexuality is wrong in God's eyes and the fact that I have lost quite a bit of weight in the past year. I don't feel that I am attractive. I don't know if I will ever come out and accept who I am, I get very depressed and it is affecting everything in my life. I have always been able to repress how I feel, because I had noone to talk to. Now I am afraid that people will think I am crazy and moody I just want to feel normal. I don't want to run anymore, I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I don't know how much more I can take.

This site has been helpful, but I still feel lost and lonely. Thanks for leeting my get this out.

 

[jockboy01]

Well, reading your posts a lot of things ring true in my own life. But the good news is that there is hope. You can learn to accept who you are and find a loving relationship. It just takes some time and a lot of work. While this board is helpful, I think a counselor would be very beneficial in helping you work through some of these issues. You recognize a lot of the reasons why things are the way they are. He/she can help you get past all of them. (of course, easier said than done as I should've gone long ago, but still haven't and don't see it happening any time soon)

If that doesn't work, I would say to put yourself out there. Meet people... I mean other gay people. Not necessarily to date, but just to get to know. I think then you'll realize that first and foremost, we are all humans and being gay doesn't make you any more flawed than the rest of the population. You already know this in your head, but the more gay guys you meet, the more it will actually ring true.

I don't have a whole lot to offer unfortunately. It sounds like this is really bothering you and you are a bit depressed because of it. But I can say that there is hope on the other side and all of your concerns are valid. Ultimately though, you just have to be happy with who you are and be able to look yourself in the mirror each day and tell yourself that you are a good person. God sees it in you and wants you to see it in yourself. I think many human ideas of God make God out to be in human image rather than the other way around. But that's a whole other topic.

 

[Riverrick]

Nvrno, your post is very honest and shows a lot of personal insight. You are probably right about the negative voices in your head affecting your ability to have a relationship. You've got some pretty powerful voices there.

I agree with Jockboy. You would benefit from counseling. In a way, you need to be re-parented, to be shown unconditional love and acceptance for you just as you are. And you need the chance to tell your many stories to someone who cares and will listen.

In the meantime, we care and we are good listeners. So stick around and tell us more. What ever you want. And get to know some gay men around here. Start threads, post comments. I think this will eventually help to dispel some of your negative beliefs about yourself and your homosexuality. And maybe lift your spirits some.

Welcome!

 

[WYSIWYG]

Re: Lost/Alone

Firstly, I think you need to make yourself happy first and forget that your always making others happy. I was taught in church that we are made in God's image! Wouldn't that INCLUDE gays and lesbians? God supposedly has us here to learn to love one another. I do not hink that Gid cares if your hetero, or gay! Love is love is it not? It is man and the church that gets in the way of God's teachings.

I do not know how big a town or city your in, but you need to get out and explore who you are and what your true feelings are. You never know, this might help you feel better about yourself. Remember that there is only ONE YOU on this planet. You have value and worth that you can share with somone..same sex or not!

Thanks for posting your story keep posting and make friends here. There are many here who will listen adnd give you "advise".

Welcome to JUB!

 

[kbbhnh123]

Re: Lost/Alone

Get a life, quit living with all that baggage.

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Lost/Alone

I'm not necessarily one to always recommend professional help--I've had some fairly negative experiences with therapists actually. However, it sounds like you could really use some professional help. You've got a whole raft of issues you need to work through most notably your preoccupation that being gay is somehow fundamentally wrong and your overwhelming desire to please your mother at any cost.

Find a local PFLAG chapter or LGBT community center (if there's one in your area) and ask for a list of gay-supportive therapists. Then call them and make an appointment.

 

[confusedboy23]

Nvrno, I would think that counseling would certainly do you good because you really do need to accept yourself first before anything else matters. You need to look after yourself, my friend, and if this is bothering you, you do need to get some help.

We're here to listen so please free to tell us more.

It does sound like you're rather concerned with your religious family background and the way you've been brought up. As Jockboy has mentioned, God sees the beauty in you and you need to see it too. Sometimes we human tend to blame God when in actual fact, it could have been us not accepting certain things all along. Be assured that God loves you just as much! Take a look at this thread -
http://justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110843 - it might help you see Christianity from a different perspective.

May peace be with you!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi nvrno, I'm glad you posted this, although I'm sorry your life has been one mind-fuck after another. The good news is that there's a way out of this gloom-and-doom path you're on, thanks to your family--and that's good therapy. Please seek it out and do some good mind-work. Once you develop a positive image, and are comfortable with yourself, the easier it will be to face the world in general, and your family in particular. And, you will do so from a position of strength.

Without some healthy perspective, you will have this raw being-eaten-alive-from-the-inside pit in your stomach that will lead to a lifetime of depression and failure. Please get help in regaining a healthy perspective. You're a bright guy with a good future. I hope you're able to live life happily and to the fullest.

Let us know how you're doing and what's going on.

 

[nvrno]

I appreciate all your help and guidance. I have decided to just not deal with it now, I am not strong enough and will probably never be. I am ashamed to admit that I just can not feel OK with me being gay. I will try to come to terms with it, just not anytime soon. Thanks for listening...........

 

[Riverrick]

Well in that case hang around here and let us get to know you. I know how you feel and I don't think anyone here's going to pressure you into being gay. I know a lot of guys here who are still confused but enjoy JUB.

Just be whoever you are at the moment. We'll like you just fine that way.

 

[Roland00]

I am the last of the males in my family, so the bloodline ends with me if I don't have children. I don't see myself at this point or in the future being in a relationship with a man or a woman, I don't see or want children either. I don't even feel comfortable dating or meeting another guy. I know that I am attracted to men, but I freak if I am shown any interest by another guy or if I find myself interested in another guy. I think it has to do with years of hearing that homosexuality is wrong in God's eyes and the fact that I have lost quite a bit of weight in the past year. I don't feel that I am attractive. I don't know if I will ever come out and accept who I am, I get very depressed and it is affecting everything in my life. I have always been able to repress how I feel, because I had noone to talk to. Now I am afraid that people will think I am crazy and moody I just want to feel normal. I don't want to run anymore, I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I don't know how much more I can take.

Pokes, pokes, pokes.

Why do you think people will think you are crazy and moody? Believe it or not based off what you wrote I don't think you are crazy and moody. I want to hear more about your life and feelings

It is interesting

Whenever you just want to let it all out, I am here. You don't need to tell the whole world anything, you don't need to date if you don't want to. Take life at your own pace, and ifyou feel like talking go ahead.

 

[CoolBlue71]

This is my first attempt at posting. My story goes like this.

I grew up in a suburban area where I was not exposed to or knew what "gay" was growing up. I have a sister who is somewhat more worldly than I am, a mother that is extremely religous, and a father who I feel is somewhere in the middle. As i got older and started to realize what I was attracted to sexually, I never questioned aloud my feelings. I grew up under the mindfuck known as my mother's love. I was forced to go to church and lived under very strict rules while in her household.

It was'nt very long before I moved to live with my father, mainly because I wanted him to be in my life, but I did not like living with my mother as she remarried. The man she remarried was very cruel and would constantly tease and for lack of a better term mentally abuse my sister and I. My mother was no help as she had no internal strength and would bury herself in the church. I felt really bad about moving away from my mother and probably do to this day, but I was miserable in her home. This all took place at around the age of 10.

I moved in with my dad which was quite a distance from my mother and sister. My father did a great job of raising me as he could, when he couldn't be with me due to his job, I stayed at my grandparents ( his parents ). He was a policeman and worked as you can imagine odd hours, this worked well as my grandparents lived in a better school district than he did at the time. I grew up knowing that he loved me and my sister dearly and did his best for us as a single parent. My grandmother and grandfather were among the greatest heroes in my life and largley shaped who I am today. I grew up to be a very caring, accepting and compassionate person because of their love. I am the "go to" person to all of my friends. My friends range in age from 20 to 40+, my friends know that they can call me and count on me at any time and I will try to help them as much as I can.

I am now thirty and feel all alone. I throughout my life have tried to have a relationship with my mother, even going back to church hoping that would bring us together. I will start to allow her back into my life and all will be fine for awhile, but then she will try to "save" me. By this I mean that according to her beliefs, if I have not accepted Jesus into my life I will not go to heaven and that those around me who do not accept will perish as well. I try to live right, I don't do drugs, steal, etc... I was involved in church at a young age and retained some of those beliefs and morals throughout my life.

Trust me growing up with a father who was a cop and a mother who is a religous fanatic I was bound to be damned for something. Anyway as time went on I found it more and more dificult to relate to my mother and her beliefs, she is pretty much lost and lives in her delusions. She is what gives Christians a bad rap, close minded, condemning and devoid of accepting the possibility of another opinion. The point of this post( I swear I have one) is that noone except one friend and my sister knows of me being gay. I came out to my sister a few months ago and she was fine with it, the one friend is practically the mayor of "Gaytown" so she is accepting and a big part of my life. I wish I was not afraid to be or say that I am gay, but I fear that due to years of my mother's/churches teaching and doctrines that I will never be comfortable with it. I don't really feel comfortable telling my other friends or family as I still don't feel That being gay is ok.

I still have to lead a double life not only with friends and family, but with coworkers as well. I work in a career that is or has been predominately heterosexual and not very accepting. During the week I am the "straight" guy and on the weekends I can be a little more "free". It seems that just as I start to accept who I am, either my mother's little voice in my head starts discreditting my happiness or I loose my nerve and start to feel guilty for being gay.

I am the last of the males in my family, so the bloodline ends with me if I don't have children. I don't see myself at this point or in the future being in a relationship with a man or a woman, I don't see or want children either. I don't even feel comfortable dating or meeting another guy. I know that I am attracted to men, but I freak if I am shown any interest by another guy or if I find myself interested in another guy. I think it has to do with years of hearing that homosexuality is wrong in God's eyes and the fact that I have lost quite a bit of weight in the past year. I don't feel that I am attractive. I don't know if I will ever come out and accept who I am, I get very depressed and it is affecting everything in my life. I have always been able to repress how I feel, because I had noone to talk to. Now I am afraid that people will think I am crazy and moody I just want to feel normal. I don't want to run anymore, I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I don't know how much more I can take.

This site has been helpful, but I still feel lost and lonely. Thanks for leeting my get this out.

I want to respond to one part of your post: your mother-and-son connection.

Your mother has chosen her religion. And she has chosen the man who had become your step-father. You are ranked lower on the chain when it comes to her priorities.

She proved this during your childhood.

I am glad you're trying to put matters such as your childhood and the emotional distance between your mother and you into perspective. But no matter what, do not ever put yourself second to someone who isn't worthy. Reflecting on your loneliness, trying to link those family members still alive for whom you think a relationship is still possible when, in fact, what had been established was too destructive -- it's a mistake.

Your mother should rank no higher on your list of priorities than where you have rated on hers. And, from you've described on her in current times, it appears that she has learned nothing.

Sorry to be harsh; but you gotta be realistic as to whom you can count on. It's a matter of survival. Yours, and not hers, is important.

 

[CoolBlue71]

nvrno,

I want to offer more of a response.

Reading more carefully everything you've written, I'd like to suggest you get yourself some counseling. I am not talking psychiatry. But if you have a regular doctor, you may ask that person about appropriate counseling. It helps if you are comfortable.

If you choose not to do this, my first suggestion to you is to empower yourself.

I also would suggest that if there are things to, and in, your life that can be changed -- ones that are weighing you down -- it may help you to make changes.

I cannot say much more. We are, for the most part, strangers here. But there are some messages/issues, like what you have written, that are serious. And to be giving advice can be risky.

What I encourage you do is find things in your life that make you feel good, and to remove those that are harmful. Yes, you cannot change family -- and it isn't incumbent you to undertake what may be an unrealistic goal -- but you do not have to invite any of them who've proven themselves destructive into your life.

I think what you need to do is confront your problems. Do what can be done to make changes. And tell yourself the truth: Improvements in your well-being are, indeed, within the realm of possibility.

 

[CoolBlue71]

I wish you, nvrno, the best in all this. Keep us posted.

 

[taiger65]

I am the last of the males in my family, so the bloodline ends with me if I don't have children. I don't see myself at this point or in the future being in a relationship with a man or a woman, I don't see or want children either.

I know where you're standing on this one. I'm in the exact same boat. As the only son in my family, there's a lot of pressure to carry on the bloodline, and I still haven't completely come to terms with this, but reading others' responses on JUB is really helpful. Sorry I can't help you more, but just know that you're not the only one with this situation, and it does get better.

 

[irish1]

Like you, I had a very difficult time facing my homosexuality; partly because of my church upbringing, and partly because I wanted to be like everyone else, and get married, have a family, buy a nice house in the suburbs, and lead, what I thought to be, a "normal" life.

Being gay is normal for some men and women. It means that you prefer one gender over the other.

Sadly, and too often, we are told that homosexuality is a sin. This is NOT true (my Roman Catholic pastor said so to me; it is promiscuity that leads to sinfulness), and I think that understanding that part of your confusion is paramount to moving on.

I think that we all wish to be partnered, in the least having a girlfriend or boyfriend. There are SO many organizations that you can join to help you meet people, not prospective boyfriends, but other men like you and me and all of us who do not want to be lonely and would really like to enjoy our life.

Loneliness is different than being alone. No one should be lonely. I would encourage you also to seek counseling (there are counselors who work with gay Christians), and hopefully you will realize that being gay is:
a. Not a sin, and
b. Perhaps a gift.

Through your own life you have the opportunity to help and encourage others. Please do not give up on yourself, and ignore a major part of your adult side.

I know you can't have a boy friend to love until you love yourself. Work on yourself, get to know some other gay and lesbian people in your area, and you may find that being gay is truly a happy way to live.

And a gentle note: You are still your mother's son, and will be this for the rest of your life. You are also a MAN, and your mother has done her job in raising you. You must take care of yourself now, and not worry about how your mother views the decisions you have made.

Best of Luck!!

 

[codixx]

Parents teach their children the skills and ideology that has made them what they are in life. Passing along this knowledge and emotional baggage is intended to provide the child with a foundation to build a life from. That doesn't mean you have to act, think, and believe everything that they do, or feel, just because it worked for them doesn't mean it will work for you. Take what is good and usefull and keep it, take the rest and replace it with thoughts, ideas and feelings that work for you. Be yourself, not a carbon copy of your parents. You are a beautiful person that needs to develop your own thoughts and feelings and needs. There is no sane way you can live your life on their standards. The world is not frozed in their generation, change has taken place over time, you need to live in the here and now, not the past. Respect you parents, but understand their limitations associated with their age and generation. You do have a mind of your own, a life to live, and a future to build, so get on with it and learn to live and find happiness. Your parents have lived by the standards and thoughts that they needed to be happy and find comfort in life, you need to build your standards and thoughts that will bring you happiness and comfort in life. This difference does not make them bad people, or unimportant, or worthless, your parents do what they need to keep their comfort and stability in life. Now you need to do what will bring you comfort and stability in life. Reach out, live and learn who and what you are, discover what life has to give you for your future. You don't have to force them or anyone to accept or believe in your changes, be respectful and discrete, but most important, be yourself!!!

just my limited thoughts and opinion.............

 

[jockboy01]

I appreciate all your help and guidance. I have decided to just not deal with it now, I am not strong enough and will probably never be. I am ashamed to admit that I just can not feel OK with me being gay. I will try to come to terms with it, just not anytime soon. Thanks for listening...........

Well, that is your choice. Just know that it is not going to just go away if you turn a blind eye.... believe me, I tried for years. It is hard to deal with, no doubt. Nobody grows up wanting to be gay, nobody. But once you deal with it and realize it isn't as bad as you make it out to be and realize that it doesn't change who you are or what you can accomplish, life becomes much easier. You're never going to feel strong enough to deal with it, never. But that doesn't mean you can't. And at some point, the hiding from it is going to become harder than the dealing with it, and then you'll do it. Each in his own time. And know that we'll still be here when you get to that point.

 

[Alberto_15]

I appreciate all your help and guidance. I have decided to just not deal with it now, I am not strong enough and will probably never be. I am ashamed to admit that I just can not feel OK with me being gay. I will try to come to terms with it, just not anytime soon. Thanks for listening...........

Buddy, you are free to do as you wish but I just hope you are not in this same place when you are 40. No dealing with it won't make it go away and you know this...

You are 30 years old, isn't it about time you accept who you are? I hope I don't come accross as a jerk, no harm intended at all. Please don't waste anymore time! You will regrett it!

Good luck.

 

[taiger65]

I agree with all these posts. The reason I came out to one person was so that I could get it over and done with. I realized that it wasn't something I could hide for the rest of my life, lest I grow old, lonely, and worst of all, fake. It really is hard. Trust me, I came out to someone a few days ago, and I'm still trying to catch my breath, but I'm already feeling better, and I look at my future in such a great way. I can't wait til the day when I can be honest with everyone, cuz that'll be the day when I really feel like nothing is holding me back.