Mixed feelings of outing *long*

[Joey Smith]

I know this is probably going on all the time on this thread with pretty much the same responses, but I didn't want to crowd others post for my own feedback. I need advice on coming out.

I'm a black 19yr old kid living in North Carolina. I work full time and go to school full time(out for the summer!) I have been through so much crap battling debt, friends, family, depression, suicide, and whatever life can through at me to keep me down. Im a very open person about pretty much everything, and I get along with everyone. I'm considered cool with everyone even people everyone hates becuase I'm a posotive person and I like to joke around and keep people happy.
My family is pretty religous and so am I and I'm considerd sort of the golden child(I'm doing things with my life, I'm not being held down by friends or kids which is happening to everyone, I dont drink or do drugs I keep good grades and I'm willing to do anything to help people(which I get exploited and guilted into).
Most people think I'm the perfect child but "why doesn't he have a girlfriend?" or when are you gonna get a girlfriend so we can go see whatever or do whatever. I usually ratle it off with a joke like"I cant afford one" or "I dont have the time or the energy to keep putting them in their place" and life goes on till they see me again.Im friends with more girls than guys. I have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. I'm a complete virgin in every sense of the word- never even had a first kiss. People think I'm kinda cute and have a really nice body(I workout often) but have never had a girlfriend so they must think something is wrong with me. Everyone that has tried are only wanting sex and I just cant give that pleasure to anyone that only wants that from me- call me old fashioned but I need love, not a good "fuck"
I'm bisexual with a little more interest in a guy than girl. I haven't come out to anyone (except Katie) becuase I dont feel like I have a reason since Im not dating anyone.Everyone that I am interested in has always become a friend to the point where there is no attraction, even if there is they would say to me "it would be like dating my brother. I have a lot of friends but I'm tired of being the best friend and never the boyfriend" This feels like as vicious circle with no way out.
For whatever reason I dont care if strangers know or think Im gay, but Im worried about family and friends cutting me off or being "disappointed" in me. I've hinted to people and Im sure the family has some inkling but I know that thet are hoping and praying that Im not or that its just some phase or that Im an abomination and cut me off completly. Some people may do even worse to me whether its physical, emotional or psycological- I could lose alot. I guess I wouldnt be so scared if I had someone to do it for that way I wouldnt feel like I'm losing everything.
There are no gays in the family and none are seen favorably in the community. I want to tell my best friend of 7yrs who is out of collge for the summer.But his family is the same way as mine. He's the ONLY GUY friend that hasnt sold me out or changed since we were 12 that I was able to stay in contact with.But with our busy schedules its been hard to keep in contact with him so I feel the friendship is being neglected. I know he doesnt agree with gays but most of the people we hung out with are homophobic to some extent. I'm growing more confident with myself and will tell my sister after she has her baby anyday now.
But what do I do ? Wait until I have a boyfriend to be open and let that define me?(I'm not going to use them for just that purpose. I'm very specific with what I want and anyone giving me love will have it returned no matter what) .Or do I stand alone and possibly lose everyone and everything I care for and lose myself again into a self-loathing void? I dont want to live a lie for protection and its frustrating always holding back or playing nuetral.I plan to come out a little at a time but it could spread like an uncotrollable fire with out me being ready for it.HELP!!!
Sorry to take up so much of you guys time and space but any advice or help will greatly be appreciated. Thanks!!!!

 

[ineffablejk]

Wow...You have got a lot of pressure on yourself. You are going through what a lot of people go through. There is no magic formula for doing this well, you have to do what's best for you and you sound like you want to take your time, so do it. You might try the coming out forum on JUB as apposed to the general forum. You could also meet people who are going through something of the same experience.

 

[Riverrick]

Hey Joey, nice post.

It sounds to me like you want several things. One is that as you become more aware of your sexuality, you desire to be honest with yourself and others (rather than making excuses) and begin to integrate that awareness into your life. The obstacles you describe are fairly large, however. Losing your position as the "Golden Child", disappointing your family, going against the religious beliefs of your family and friends, being physically harmed, and especially being cut off, abandoned by your family and possibly friends. (Even though one would think the physical harm is the most dangerous, it the abandonment that most of us fear more.)

I'm also hearing that you want to have a boyfriend but don't want to wait for that to occur to create an excuse to come out. My advice would be to not try to control that piece of this puzzle. Deal with the coming out and with getting a boyfriend separately. If they happen to coincide, don't beat yourself up about it. I would see it more as your stars aligning and guiding you in your journey. In your circumstance, I certainly wouldn't come out prematurely in order to keep a future boyfriend out of the picture.

Mostly, I feel a little worried that you will move too fast with coming out and end up in a bad situation. As the other writers have pointed out, you are very young and have lots of time. I too came out when I was 26. At the time I thought it was pretty late, but now I see that I needed to be independent enough physically and mentally to face the repercussions of coming out. If my parents and family did not accept me, I was prepared to walk away from them and they knew that. They really had very little leverage over me and it helped me to be more honest and feel safer.

So I'm thinking maybe you should do some long term planning. Are you interested in moving at some point? Maybe coming out would be safer if you don't live so close. Finding a boyfriend might be easier too. Slow down. Make a five year plan. Don't rush things this summer. Good luck!

 

[luminum]

The important thing is to not set a deadline. You should come out when you feel it's the right time for you, not for anyone else. Scaring yourself into coming out because of what you think you might lose isn't the best way or reason, nor is fighting the urge because of what other people expect.

If your family knows, but doesn't want it to happen, then there's nothing you can do about it. That is how they'll feel until time passes. When you eventually come out, you should treat it as something positive (no matter how scary it is), because this is about you being open and honest and building that bridge between you and your family or whoever you're outing yourself to. They may not see it that way, but I think that's the best way for you to think about it when you decide to come out. Don't tell them because you feel guilty or ashamed. That's not what it's about and between you and them, somewhat should treat it that way and that might as well be you.

Youa re a good person, or at least you say you are, so if your family and friends can't see that and can't understand that those parts of you make up more about who you are as a likeable person than your sexual orientation, then it's not you, it's them.

Coming out is scary, and sstaying int he closet can be worse, but all I can think of is that when youc oem out, they'll finally have a face of someone they love and care about and know that they can put on this "thing" they've been afraid and disgusted about for the longest time and that will make them think about what they believed about homosexuals in the first place. Even if the reaction isn't good, you'll have stirred the pot and they'll have to think about this faceless "evil" and think about the good person they should know you to be.

 

[Eagle653]

Joey, welcome to the forum. Glad you're here. Peto, ineffablejk, riverrick, and luminum have given some excellent and interesting perspectives. I guess I would also echo Peto's contention to relax at 19 and live life some more and get comfortable with yourself and who you are.

My second thought, though, is a bit more harsh and perhaps shows a chip on my own shoulder--and, that is, people deserve to be clued in on the truth to the extent that they can handle it. When people demonstrate to me prejudices, intolerance, and the inability to accept reality, then they aren't privy to it. I withdraw from those people, and don't share my life with them. And, yes, I'm talking about family, co-workers, friends (now "former friends") and anyone in that category.

I was reading an article this weekend about the cultural aspects of the African American community, with respect to young people coming out. I don't know if you're American or not, but if you are, that is an element which might be at play here too. Being condemned and ostracized is not out of the question in certain families. Certainly this is something to consider when deciding how out and open you want to be.

Good luck with this. Think it through; you have plenty of time. As for the nagging "when are you going to get a girlfriend?" questions--continue to blow them off. Or, give them an icy stare and ask "why is that important to you?"

 

[thehayesman]

Some good words of wisdome here as always.

I would just like to say, I understand. That sounds like me and my brother. We were both "perfect" and loved by all the elderly church members. We always wanted to help everyone and got taken advantage of for that. You're pretty similar at that point. It can be dissappointing to change people's ideas about you, especially when you value being the "good kid" and truly want to follow God. I also totally identify with what you said about relationships and sex, good for you. Take your struggle to God and get some relief from the anxiety and depression. Just let him carry the burden, don't burden yourself when you've got so much time to decide. (like everyone said)

Blessings, and I hope you have some good time to build relationships this summer.

 

[Joey Smith]

I really, really appreciate you guys giving me this advice and it helps a lot to get other viewpoints before I do something drastic. Ya'll are soo smart you know just what to say to calm me down.
Actually Ive lived completley on my own for almost 2yrs- not by choice but Ive grown to like it- just a little lonely. Im in total control of everything and it seems cheaper for me to live on my own than with my parents and inheriting their debt- I actaully help them out most of the time. After I moved out( long story (pm if you wanna hear it) I was very hurt by my mother and stepfather using me and went 2 full months without talking to her(used to talk everday) and although I was angry and hurt it nearly killed me emotionally and mentally(and her literally). I know this is hypicrtical but whatever they have done to me in the past Ive tried to forgive them becuase no matter what they will always be family. After all the betrayal, alliances, and petty fights I just want to get along- weve been through enough. I dont like being angry and holding a grudge(although I can) while being divided got other things to worry about. I love them despite their flaws and except them as they are. Im afraid they wont see it that way with me and if we still cominicate it will be akward and strained or those horrid homophobic jokes. I still have trouble making a leap of fate into the unkown, giving up all that I worked hard for and earned or taking a chance where nothing is garuanteed. I pride myself on being open about everything but it boggles my mind that people could hate me for something so trivial and I feel forced to hide how I really am.I just feel like I'm being a coward and a liar. Tired of ducking but scared to stand up- am I crazy? There are people that may be fine with it but I dont need the word getting spread without me. I also rather do it in person even if it is 2 hours worth of crying and beating around the bush. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel later.Thanks again for the advice guys keep it comming I want as much input as possible. Thanks!!!

 

[Riverrick]

Keep us updated Joey. There's always someone here.

 

[taketheflack]

Hey Joey. I can relate quite a lot to your story as I'm a similar age (20) and have grown up in a conservative Christian household. I also am kinda seen (without sounding boastful) as the favourite of the family because I have achieved a lot, got good grades and now am at University.

I've been through the thoughts that you have been going through about being renounced as an abomination and all that. I've slowly come to terms with perhaps that being the possibility of what will happen when I tell my parents, and therefore have to prepare accordingly.

I am in the process of coming out and have adopted the same idea that you want of coming out a little at a time. I would recommend perhaps first telling friends who might be more open to the idea that you're gay. I've done this and it has helped a lot not only in terms of support but through that support has prepared me to go onto the next step, and I feel that I'm now ready to start telling my brothers and other close friends. It is important though to come out on your own terms and in your own time. Don't feel pressured to do it but I can tell you life gets much easier and liberating once you start.

 

[halubtsi]

Joey, I can relate to your story. It was like reading a page from my book. The only big difference is that I've never heard any of my family or friends talk about being gay as an abomination.

All of the advice has been spot on, so I'd like to echo their comments. Most importantly, you come out when you feel ready to come out. You said that you feel like a coward and a liar, and that you're tired of ducking, but scared to stand up for yourself. This sounds familiar, and no it's not odd. Your heart and your mind are starting to get uncomfortable with the closet. You've done well by talking about your thoughts and feelings, so keep doing that.

You mentioned at one point that you're bi, but from the post it sounds like you're more gay than bi. I'm not a big fan of labels, but you may want to clear that up before you come out. It may not seem important, but if you come out to your friends and family as a bisexual, they may believe, erroneously, that you'll find a woman and that you'll just need to fight your same-sex urges.

As for when you should come out, that's your call. If you want to wait for a boyfriend, this gives you a tangible reason to come out. The caveat is that you have to go through the process of finding and keeping a boyfriend. When I told my parents, I was actually still ashamed of being gay. 3 years later, when I came out fully, I was't ashamed of myself anymore. BTW, I'm still a virgin in every sense of the word, so I had no tangible reason to come out. I could have stayed in the closet, but like you I'm an open and honest guy. I felt like I was hiding and wanted to stop. The nice thing about coming without having a bf, or having had sex, or having made out, is that I could use my virginity as a shield. When I came out to my parents (they were the first that I told), they asked if I had sex or had a bf. I told them that I didn't and it raised more questions along the lines of "maybe you're not gay then..." With that line of questioning, I could tell them that I was the same son they knew a few days ago and that I came out to them because I was absolutely sure that I was gay, despite not having ever acted upon my feelings/urges. As fairly conservative Catholics, I wanted them to realise that just because I happened to be gay, didn't mean that I started acting like the stereotypical homosexuals that they saw on tv.

As far as spreading the news yourself, I did that with quite a few individuals. I wanted to tell my "pillars" (my closest of closest friends, who I've leaned on for support in the past) and my inner circle of friends (close friends who I could lean on, but never had to) in person. Once I was done telling my closest friends, I didn't mind if they told our mutual friends. Basically, it was whoever got to the other friends first would tell them. Does it spread quickly? Not really. In fact, on a couple of occasions I inadverdantly "came out," thinking they had already heard the news from other people. I'm not one to announce my sexuality to the world, but I'm not going to hide it.

Please keep us posted.

 

[Joey Smith]

I really hate stereotypes and I go out of my way trying to disprove them if its about school, music, being black or anything I do in general. I could never be in a stereotype becuase I'm not going to be a limited person. I have a particular style and interest that throws a lot of people off when they hang around me("you listen to what? you like watching huh? but your black" situations )I would say I'm about 60% gay and 40% straight. I find women very atractive and arousing but guys are equal or more so depending on the person. When often lusting over a couple I'll say she's cute but he is gorgeous. I could date either with no problem becuase I'm interested in the person not the gender, but a guy can catch my attention easier by just looks. I'm actaully leaving to go out of town tonight to see my aunt and uncle who I looove and are pretty cool. She doesnt like my mom becuase she knows our situation and even wanted to keep me and my sisters when we were children. They fell out of favor when they became Jahovas Witness(DAMN SPELLCHECK!) because my grandfather is a preacher. I dont know if they have converted back or not but seem back in the famlies good graces and a little more openmided. I'm tempted to tell them but this may be becuase of the urge to go see them(its been 9 months) but I honestly dont know what their reaction will be. I'm hoping they will take it better than the rest of the family but I could be wrong. So should I just wait until I'm 100% ready or wait- I'm leaving at 8pm( its 6:45pm). I could easily tell my sister but she needs to hurry up with the kid so I can see her in person. But I think I will take your advicetakethe flack and come out to friends first, then family. But should I tell everyone Im bi or gay? Bi becuase I feel that is what I am or just gay to get less of a stigma? Thanks again for the help! Much love and apprectiation to all of you. I feel really lucky and grateful to you guys for the support and I truly thank you all sooooooooooooooo much.

 

[Joey Smith]

Hiya Jubbers I am so FREAKEN EXCITED!!!! Its been a while since I've been on here and wanted to give you guys an update, I'm in a better mood,can you tell?A LOT HAS HAPPENED. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with myself everday and with my sexuality- I'm starting to care less and less what people think. I've come out to 4 of my closest friends (all females) and telling another 2 on Friday.I was afraid to tell any of them so I made it seem like bad news (Expecting the Worst and surprised by the best reactions). The bad news is everyone thought I had cancer or was dying the good news- They STILL LOVE ME!!! Theyre HAPPY FOR ME!!! 2 even said "what took you so long", and one said" You like boys and.....what else? I know you have some bad news for me so what is it?" They all thought I was making a big deal for nothing and so far they have been right .They are soooo awesome, theyre even giving me advice on who to tell and are even trying to get me hookups.I didn't tell my aunt yet-sorry I'm still not ready yet but I'm so close.Famlies a whole different ballgame but I'm almost ready for the playoffs. Last thing, I started a My Space profile a while back and left orientation blank-I had 2 freinds. 2 weeks ago I put Bi and a little description and BAM!!! I got friend request everyday! Not a real fan of the internet hookup thing becuase of all the perves but Ive actually met someone. He's a year younger than me, we have almost the same interest and he lives, works, and goes to school a few miles from my University. He's a total cutie and sooo sweet and kind(he said he would come out with me with my mom). We sent each other messages for hours and eventually talked on the phone for a while. I Have My First DATE THIS Thursday!!! Will let you guys know what happens. Any advice?I AM SOOO EXCITED.
I JUST WANNA THANK ALL OF YOU JUBBERS FOR ALL OF YOUR LOVE ,SUPPORT, AND ADVICE.YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST!!!!

 

[Riverrick]

Wow, Congratulations Joey! You must feel so good about all of this. Your friends are awesome.

I really like your "Bad News" approach. I mean, why not? For a lot of people it is bad news. What I like is that it puts being gay into perspective. What a relief for them that you're not dying, just gay.

Good Luck with your date. It sounds very exciting. Glad he's a cutie and kind. Keep us posted. I love to hear about dates.

 

[Eagle653]

What a great story! I'm really happy for you. Congratulations! I think you've made everyone's day around here.

Onward and upward!

 

[luminum]

Congrats! See? Things are not as bad as you anticipate! Plus, you got a date! Hope it goes well!

 

[Kulindahr]

I'd say I have good news and bad news -- and it's the same news.

I sure wish I had friends like that, dude -- you're in good hands!

 

[Joey Smith]

Okay its been a few days since I've been here but I wanted to give you guys a good update thats worth hearing. Some good some bad and some I'm confused about.
The good news is I've told all my friends that I'm close to except 3. They are all cool with it(some are estatic!) and still love me regardless and a few were kinda half expecting it. I was worried about telling a few of them because everyone I had told had been a white female. I was a little afraid to tell my 2 best friends (black male and black female) becuase its not seen in our community a lot and definetly not posotively, and the people that are, are pretty obvious/femine. I'm not a super macho guy but I'm defintly not femine-love weight-lifting.They both thought the same thing-I got someone pregnant,lost my virginity or was dying in that order and were clueless after all 3 being No's.(Can you see the major functions that they thought were important?) My guy best friend I was worried that he would think I wanted him but he was cool with it and even joked he could use it to his advantage to get some girls My other friend lives in New York and I told her over the phone. I hear WHAT! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS! YOUR SHITTING ME! NOOOOOO! for about 5 minutes and she then says I still love you and your still the same person to me before screaming again. She was just a little shocked but is cool with it and is gonna visit me here AND buy me a plane ticket to see her in New York.
Last bit of good news is I told my sister over the phone. There is this loooooooong pause(it was soo long I was starting to cry- she had me really worried with her reaction) and she finally ask me
Sisterr Are you sure?
Me Yeah I'm sure
long pause again
Sister How do you know?
Me Well when I look at guy.....
short pause
Sister Then Im happy for you. I'm glad and proud that you are comfortable with yourself and can admit.But I'll kick your ass you told everyone but me. I love her so much.

 

[newkidondagayblock]

Good for you. All the best ahead. You are a very smart person and good things will come your way.

 

[luminum]

::hug:: Good for you

 

[iah822003]

Fantastic news!

Yet more inspiration for others...

Sounds like it's full steam ahead from now on.