Older guy coming out to family: so far, so good!

[Lube]

OK, I feel a little silly typing this up. I'm no angst-ridden 18 year old trying to tell my parents I'm gay while I'm still living at home.

Nope. I'm a 40-something guy who's going through a divorce and who is finally accepting who he is by coming out now.

It took me until I was 42 for me to stop being in denial about my homosexuality. Yep, I used every excuse in the book: it's not moral, it's not "biological"/natural, I'm not like "them", I want a family, it's just a phase (yeah, for like 40 years!), etc., etc., etc. But earlier this year I finally admitted to myself that I was in denial all these years.

Hey, it's just who I am. Can't deny who you are.

Anyway, my family is very very conservative. We're not from the South (we're from New York, actually), but very conservative upbringing nonetheless. Bigoted, sexist, homophobic family for the most part.

I've been at JUB since June, and people in this forum and elsewhere at JUB have really helped me understand better who I am and where I'm coming from. I never really understood the advice that you should only come out "when you're ready". I mean, WTF does that mean?

Well, now I know. It means don't come out until you really accept who you are. If I came out 6 months ago, I would've been very tentative and apologetic. "I think I'm gay," I would've said. "I'm just experimenting/trying things out." "Maybe I'm just bisexual, I dunno." etc. etc.

But no. Not any longer. I'm glad I didn't come out then, because I wouldn't have looked very strong emotionally. I would've had very little conviction in my voice. It would be easy for family members to shoot me down.

Instead, I spent time on JUB learning more about other people, and in turn learning about myself. Now I'm totally cool with myself. I am a gay man. No doubt about it. No apologies. No excuses. Don't feel sorry for me. It is who I am, and I accept it and I revel in it: it is me.

So, anyway, I've decided to start coming out to my very conservative family. Of course, some siblings are better than others. And my very, very conservative father died 10 years ago. (In some ways, I wish he were still alive because I never used to stand up to him. I would love to be able to stand up to him now and tell him with a strong voice that this is who I am; but alas I am unable to.)

I have one sister who is a warm compassionate person; two brothers who are pretty decent; and another sister who is evil incarnate. Mom is hard to pin down--she's very loving, but also has some quirky views of the world.

So I'm starting with the easiest folks, and working up to the hard ones.

(I should mention here that our family is spread out over the country: no two siblings even live in the same state anymore, and mom moved to Florida. So it's not like I can tell people in person; it's all gotta be over the phone.)

I got the courage last night to call up "the good sister". I built up to it slowly, then pretty much just blurted it out. My voice quavered a little bit, but I was very strong and matter-of-fact about it. "This is who I am. I am not afraid or ashamed or embarrassed." The good news is that she was every bit as accepting as I expected her to be. Hell, she was even better than I expected! I told her what a great sister she is. We bonded really well. I felt such a huge relief!

So today I'll be telling mom in the morning, then probably my brothers in the afternoon. Still debating about the Evil Sister. Maybe I'll just let her hear from the other family members. I don't normally talk to her anyway. We'll see.

But in any case, I wanted to let you guys know that my family coming-out process has begun. I've been thinking about this for 6+ months, so it's a huge relief to get the ball rolling.

And it has started out really, really well. I thought I'd spread the good news.

And a hearty, hearty thank you to the many JUBbers here. I've read lots and lots of posts in the forum, and you've all been an inspiration. I especially want to thank AverageGuy, SoilWork, and Slobone, but there are many others here who have also helped.

JUB has been a lifesaver for me. Thanks much.

 

[gabriel1]

Good for you! Keep that great outlook and forge ahead, best wishes and all that stuff.

 

[hornyshauny]

Best of luck to you!!! xxx

 

[muscleboy82000]

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[gmoney]

Lube, this is great to hear! You know from our PMs and phone calls how I feel. I hope you keep me updated and I wish you the very best, my friend!

 

[GL]

Goodness! Congratulations to you in your coming out. It's a bold move and one that you will appreciate more and more as time goes on. Please let us know how things are going.

 

[Riverrick]

Wow, Lube!!!

What a brave guy! This can be so scary. Hey, check back in with us between each phone call if you want. It might help.

Man, I'm going to be thinking about you all day!

OK, one more hug and off you go.....

 

[antdak]

Congrats on your decision, you have my heartfelt support!!

 

[looseliam]

Fantastic! I hope things fair well for you and the rest of the family.

Check back in and let us know how things go!

 

[Lube]

Fantastic! I hope things fair well for you and the rest of the family.

Check back in and let us know how things go!

Wow, thanks guys for being so concerned. You don't know how good each and every reply on this thread feels. Thanks.

There's been a slight change of plans, though, and everything had to be put on hold until next Friday or Saturday.

It turns out Mom is at her sister's, and they're cooking up a storm for a series of get-togethers this coming week. She was really really busy when I called her and, as much as I was dying to get it all out, I figured this wasn't really the best time to discuss it. (Just my luck, eh?)

So, she should be home by Friday. I'll call her Friday evening or Saturday and spill the beans then. I want to call Mom before I tell anyone else (I don't want her to hear it second hand), so Project Out Me is on hold for a few days.

Thanks again,

Lube.

 

[Riverrick]

Oh, that's too bad. But you sound OK with it. Me, I can't wait to do things I'm nervous about. Gotta do 'em right away.

OK, so we'll be back next week and hold a vigil for you. I'll bring the drinks and chips.

This is a pretty important time for you . So whatever you need, just ask!

 

[antdak]

I'll light a candle!!

 

[Steppenwolf]

Hey Lube,
I can relate to what you're going through, except my family isn't conservative (with the exception of my brother and sister-in-law, but they're pretty cool). I'm a year older than you are and just came out to my family and friends about two months ago now. In some ways I think it was easier than had I come out in my teens, and in a lot of ways it seemed harder. What you'll find is that after you've told your mother and siblings, you'll hit some emotional highs and lows for a few days. The lows will pass. Coming out, even at this age, was the best thing I ever did. We're here for you if you need us. It takes real balls to do what you're doing now. Congratulations!

 

[sonical]

With a member name like "Lube", I'm assuming you've been with men? My story is almost a mirror of yours except I still have not grown the balls you have and don't know If I ever will. (Be quiet Soilwork) and I have never been with another man. Tell us more, because as you point out, I know that when I come to terms with who I want to be in life I will be much happier in every aspect.

 

[Lube]

Hey Lube,
I can relate to what you're going through, except my family isn't conservative (with the exception of my brother and sister-in-law, but they're pretty cool). I'm a year older than you are and just came out to my family and friends about two months ago now. In some ways I think it was easier than had I come out in my teens, and in a lot of ways it seemed harder. What you'll find is that after you've told your mother and siblings, you'll hit some emotional highs and lows for a few days. The lows will pass. Coming out, even at this age, was the best thing I ever did. We're here for you if you need us. It takes real balls to do what you're doing now. Congratulations!

That's great to hear, Steppenwolf! It's a little nerve-wracking, but as you'll see in my next post, it's easier--but somehow less rewarding--now that Dad has passed away. It's really good to hear about other guys' experiences, which is why I love JUB and JUBbers so much.

With a member name like "Lube", I'm assuming you've been with men? My story is almost a mirror of yours except I still have not grown the balls you have and don't know If I ever will. (Be quiet Soilwork) and I have never been with another man. Tell us more, because as you point out, I know that when I come to terms with who I want to be in life I will be much happier in every aspect.

It's taken me about six months (four of them on JUB) to become really comfortable with who I am now. This would've been much harder 5 or 6 months ago. I've had a lot of support from fellow JUBbers in the same situation, who've PMed and/or e-mailed me; TheWiz and Christopherb26 come to mind especially. I've PMed with other JUBbers, too, such as RiverRick, GMoney, and others too numerous to mention (sorry!).

I've found that the more you spill your heart and thoughts out on JUB, the more comments and PMs you get from other guys in the same situation. And it really makes you feel so normal!! So my advice would be--if you see a post here that makes you think "I can really relate to this guy", send a comment or PM to him, and you might strike up a conversation or even a friendship. Most guys will reply back. It's such a great feeling.

Life would be so much harder without my fellow JUBbers.

Oh, and in terms of "Lube". LOL. I came up with that name before I so much as touched another guys dick. It just seemed appropriate to this board. I was wracked with fear about actually doing something with a guy, as opposed to fantasizing about it. Then I was e-mailing another JUBber and he mentioned how he felt the same way, and he just decided one day he had enough and went out and met some guys and just did it. Just for the experience, not for love or anything.

That gave me the courage to go on gay.com and set up a few encounters. It seemed like a bad experience at first, but I ended finding a couple of guys that worked out pretty well. One is just for the "experience", and the other I ended up dating (I'm going to his place tonight ). Just be careful, because there are a lot of weirdos and manipulative guys on gay.com.

Feel free to PM me, sonical, if you have any more personal questions.

 

[Lube]

I came out to Mom: Piece of cake!

Wow, I can't believe how easy that was.

I just called up mom this morning (she was out partying last night) and chit-chatted for a while, then broke the news. She has some "interesting" views on the world, so she was the real wildcard in the family. Wasn't sure how she'd react.

She was totally OK with it! Surprised the hell out of me. Well, maybe I built up to it a little dramatically (I told her to make sure she was sitting down before I told her this.) She was relieved I didn't have cancer or anything. I guess it's the old "Mom, Dad: I'm pregnant; just kidding, but can I have the car keys?!" sorta deal.

She mentioned a few funny and interesting tidbits.

She said my dad (who's now been dead 10 years or so) always suspected I was gay. He was concerned that I was always "dressed to the nines". I did try to be a good dresser in high school, but have totally casualled-out since college.

She asked our family doctor about it! Now, remember this is probably 25 or 30 years ago. His response was that I couldn't be gay because I didn't have an overbearing mother! LOL. If only that were the cause. So she kind of put it out of her mind. A lot of JUBbers here say that "your mother always knows" and I think she did know all along.

She said the family was somewhat relieved when I got married 10 years or so ago.

And, finally, she said that--had my father still been alive--he might not be talking to me right now. So I did nail that expectation. I guess I didn't realize quite how different mom's thought processes were from dad's. I'm glad she's OK with things.

I'll spend the rest of the morning calling my siblings. There's still The Evil Sister Devil Spawn to call, but the other ones should be somewhat better than her. In fact, I figure she just won't say what she feels--that'll come out later.

I'm so happy right now. Dancing on cloud nine. It's so nice to be over with this. Thanks again to everyone in this thread and all the JUBbers who've been behind me along the way.

Lube.

 

[irish1]

We are dancing on the clouds with you!!

What a great day for you. Enjoy your new life, and I hope you are very happy.

 

[Riverrick]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!​

​

You've handled this so directly and without flinching. Its just amazing to me. I really am so proud of you and happy for you. ​

I'm learning a lot from you myself, even though I've been out for some time. Its just that you are showing me what can be accomplished with determination. And patience. You are sooo patient!​

OK, I'll be waiting right here............. ​

 

[Pringle]

Well done LUBE.

You are an inspiration. I'm glad it went well for you. Thank you for sharing.

 

[thewiz]

WOW Lube....

When we started PM'ing a few months ago, you were not sure what steps to take when! And now you're running a marathon!

I made sure to come out to my kids but haven't gotten to all the family yet. I have three half-brothers and sisters of which I've told one...she said she always knew and that the family always suspected...they also felt "relieved" when I got married! I suspect my half-sister that has alzheimer's and who practically raised me was lesbian but denied it from conversations we had when she told me that being gay was not an option (this was before I ever married). She wouldn't know who I was if I told her now. The only one I have not been open with is my youngest sister.

Tried to tell her and her new red-neck husband last time I was home but we got into a discussion of Brokeback Mountain and how "disgusting that was!" Oh well, I think she knows anyway....

I'm always there for your pm's or im's....