Relationship Question

[TargetThis]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and half and things have been pretty great. We took a break for a couple of months after a year of dating because of personal issues that he felt he needed to deal with on his own. We've been back together for about 4 months now and about 2 weeks ago I did something that I've never done before and I'm not to proud of...I looked through his cell phone and found out that he's been in constant contact with his ex boyfriend.

Finding that out was a shock to begin with because my boyfriend has constantly told me stories about how horrible his ex treated him, that the guy cheated on him,made him feel like dirt, and was an all around horrible boyfriend. Additionally he always left me under the impression that he (my boyfriend) moved to New York (his current state) from Florida to get a new start after breaking up with him. So all contact with his ex, as far as it seemed, was broken off. To make things worse, in his texts to his ex he wrote that he loved him, missed that he missed him, that he was his everything, and one month after we got back together he actually sent him a picture of his dick.

So I confronted him and asked him about his relationship with his ex without revealing that I looked through his texts. That's when he informed me that he has been in contact with his ex, that his ex had moved from Florida to New York, and recently moved to California. He also told me that he gave his ex thousands of dollars and placed him under his medical insurance because he had lost his job and needed his help. He did all of this without once telling me. He also informed that he loved his ex as a good friend and nothing more and denied sending inappropriate pictures to him.

Herein lies my dilemma, this guy lied to me. He lied and misinformed me for almost 2 years about what was going on with his ex and only admitted to everything when I pressed the issue and even then kept a few things back. It's almost impossible for me to trust him, and everything that he tells me now I just assume that he's lying. I still love him and some days things are perfect and other days I'm so angry about this that I can't even look at him or talk to him. My friends have all told me that this is just a bump and we shouldn't break up, and a huge part of me doesn't but then there's this persistent part that feels as if I will never trust him again. In short I'm confused and kind of wanted an objective opinion on what some of you would do in my situation.

Thanks for any advice guys.

 

[racer2438]

It's very hard to get through trust issues when 1 has broken them.. trust is earned.. so either you have a talk with him and make it clear that this is not cool w/you and you want no secrets. Ask him again certain ?'s about other things you know about and did not tell him you know and see what answers you get. If the lies continue, you may need to make a decision as to where you want this relationship to go.

zdo you want to go forward and always have to be on guard? or do you want to have someone you can trust and love. In my book "once a cheater--always a cheater" and add lies to it and it makes it worse.

Life is to short for crap like this so I hope you find the right way to go. But you should not have to go thru this crap.

The other side is going thru his phone was not cool cuz that is a trust issue also ... 2 wrongs don't make it right. But I think his wrong is worse than yours............if after he still gives you more lie's...you decide to part ways, you may call him on those lies and see what he says.....good luck...

 

[Seasoned]

Confess how you found out and what you found his. His normal reaction will be to make this about you but you both will have trust issues. My best suggestion is to seek couple's counseling.

- - - Updated - - -

Confess how you found out and what you found his. His normal reaction will be to make this about you but you both will have trust issues. My best suggestion is to seek couple's counseling.

 

[bw92116]

It could be that everything he has told you is the truth. Maybe he actually has not lied to you. Did he ever say that he had no contact with his ex any more? Read over what you have typed in and tell me exactly where the lie is.

 

[TX-Beau]

I used to say the trust is "earned." But really it isn't, it's something you give in the beginning without any real knowledge of how that will be treated. FORGIVENESS is earned, or not.

You need to break up. No relationship is going to survive the mutual suspicion you've got going. How did your BF get this guy on his insurance? I've been living with my partner and we can't get on each other's insurance.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, this sounds pretty suspicious. And thousands of dollars? How old are you guys? Where are you in your lives? How about the ex?

 

[TargetThis]

@Racer I agree with you two wrongs do not make a right and my going through his phone was pretty reprehensible. I'm kind of embarrassed that I did, and you're absolutely right I'm going to let him know that I did it and what I found. I'd rather lay it all out on table and asking him about his omissions.

@bw92166 the lies are in the omissions. He told me that the breakup between the two of them was so caustic that he left the state that they lived in. I suppose you're right he didn't state point blank that he was no longer in contact with his ex but leaving a state and finding a new job implies that you no longer wished to be in contact. Furthermore he hid the fact that his ex moved to his current state shortly after him and has basically supported him since his arrival and eventual move out of the state. Even if he never lied directly about still being in contact with his ex, he could have informed me of the extent of that contact. Plus he did lie about sending this guy pictures of his dick while we were dating and his actions kind of undermine his statement that he loves his ex strictly as a friend. I count myself as, a good friend but I doubt I would do everything that he did for someone that was just a friend. I could be wrong and this may be because this is an ex that's also a friend. I don't know I tend to break off all contact with my exes when we break up.

@seasoned I agree with you about confessing and I will this weekend. Not so sure about couple's counseling. In all honesty we never really fight and when we do we talk it out. It feels a lottle earlynto go through couple'scounseling I'll keep it in mind though.

@TXbeau I'm honestly not sure how he did it, I didn't really want to delve but each company has a different policy as to whether or not they're willing to extend insurance coverage to a domestic partner. I know that my office would allow me to place my boyfriend under my insurance plan if we lived together.

@rolyo85 I'm 27 my BF is 34 and I think his ex is 38 or 37. Not sure exactly.

 

[TargetThis]

Oh I also wanted say thank you guys for the responses. It's really appreciated . Having an objective outside view is really great in putting things in perspective.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'd have a very hard time staying with him. I can't be with someone I don't trust and you can't trust him. Yes, his lies were by omission and now he's spoon feeding you bits and pieces of information. He's still not being totally honest with you. He's had a lot of contact with his "ex". To get him on his insurance they had to prove to his employer they were living together. Ive worked for companies that allowed for domestic partners (ugh) to be on their insurance. The partner had to show two bills with the same address or other proof that they were sharing the same residence such as a drivers license. They also required a form both of them signed saying they were being honest about living together. Whatever they required, it's not an easy process. He also gave him a lot of money. A person doesn't casually give that kind of money to someone that isn't important in their life. Why would he send him a dick pic if there wasn't anything going on? Obviously the ex has seen it before right? He's been hiding this from you for a long time. What else is going on that you don't know about.

Yes, going through his phone wasn't right. However, you obviously had some suspicion that something was up and needed to confirm your suspicion. The trust is gone. He's been lying and hiding significant things from you. Your not the only man in his life. Every time your apart your going to wonder what he's up to and where he really is. I couldn't be in that type of a relationship.

Steven.

 

[winterkill]

Love is trust. If you browse through the private data of your boyfriend, your love must be a little bit corroded.

I am not a fan of monogamy, but I always make sure that all are informed. It turns out that people hate to listen to the details, they just want to know what is going on in my life. And how do the confirmed serial monogamists behave? They lie. Because that simplifies their life when they 'change trains'. Or they fear that the relationship is finished once they admit some unpleasant facts. For me they are the pitiable prisoners of monogamy.

Be generous and appreciate that your boyfriend takes care of his (n-1) boyfriend. And I wouldn't consider it as a punishable crime if he still loves him. Try to clear up the situation, perhaps trust can be restored. Don't dramatize little things and focus on the essential part. Best of luck!