Still having trouble talking to people

[slobone]

I usually just focus on connecting with one or two people in the group. That way I always have someone to talk to and, hopefully, they can help me meet others.

Yeah, I think that's the way to go. You can only get so far with a group thing.

Look around for other guys who aren't saying much. Then start greeting them by name, maybe sitting next to them at the meetings, and, if you can get your nerve up, ask them if they want to go out for a cup of coffee afterwards. Coffee is less of a commitment than a drink, because it usually means you just want to chat.

 

[winterknight]

When the meetings end, I pretty much have to go straight to the bus station in order to get home. Otherwise I miss the last bus.

 

[slobone]

When the meetings end, I pretty much have to go straight to the bus station in order to get home. Otherwise I miss the last bus.

So get there early and get phone numbers. My point was -- there must be other people in the same boat as you, waiting for somebody else to take the initiative. So just tell yourself next time you're going to pick out somebody and talk to them one-to-one. You can do it!

 

[rareboy]

It seems that you define your entire life by its limitations and not by its possibilities.

If this if the vibe you're sending at your group meets, other people will likely just shut you out. They don't need a Debbie Downer when they're trying to enjoy themselves.

Why don't you just miss the last bus for once?

 

[teh_nathan]

*spontaneously hugs quasar21 for no reason*

Yeah, I've also never been one for relating to people and having long conversations.
I'm also more likely to interject with something witty or some anecdote which is somehow relevant.

If I get to know someone and they get to know me, I usually have more to say - or if I identify with someone somehow, I'll have more to say.

I talk a lot more online than I do in real life.

Newbie_69: That's hard for a lot of us to do.
sinfulsimon: It's easier for me to try to focus on one or two people. I've never been great with social gatherings (it's honestly amazing that I managed the last one so well)

 

[frankfrank]

If you DID miss the last bus, because somebody at the meeting instead offered to drop you off back at home, you'd still get home and nothing would be lost. Are there any people at these meetings who live even somewhat close to where you live?

 

[dr_beat]

Why don't you join them at the pub? Usually there's at least one person in the group that you can pull out of the conversation. Try commenting on something a person says that you can relate to. Even if it's a topic you dislike, pretend you're interested. It doesn't have to be a big phony thing, it just shows the person that you're interested in him and what he has to say.

 

[winterknight]

Why don't you join them at the pub?

Because I *can't get to the pub*. Like I keep saying, they're all X miles away from me, and there aren't buses in the evening.

Are there any people at these meetings who live even somewhat close to where you live?

No, they all live in Ipswich. I don't

It seems that you define your entire life by its limitations and not by its possibilities.

If this if the vibe you're sending at your group meets, other people will likely just shut you out. They don't need a Debbie Downer when they're trying to enjoy themselves.

I do appreciate this, but I'm not sure what I can do about it.

I do try not to be a Debbie and act cheerful when I meet people in person, even though I don't feel that way. Doesn't always work, though, as this afternoons sessions proved

Why don't you just miss the last bus for once?

Because, like I already said, I hate treating Dad as a taxi service. And getting a proper taxi would double the cost of the night.

Sorry, I know I'm being really pessimistic about this. But I haven't slept for two out of the last three nights and I'm really feeling like crap right now.

 

[rareboy]

I really think you need to work with a physician and a therapist on these issues. You respond negatively to every single suggestion and while I'm sure you have our pity, it is difficult to be empathetic. Only someone working one on one with you and your parents is likely to be of any real help. You should get it soon or else you have many sad and frustrating years ahead.

There is no shame or stigma to be attached to the need for medical and therapeutic assistance; it has been the salvation of many people.

 

[frankfrank]

Maybe doubling the cost of the night-out, by having to get a proper taxi, would be a great investment. If you need the cab because you were hanging out with somebody after the meeting, and you surprised yourself because you actually had a good time just hanging out, wouldn't the taxi be a BARGAIN? I would think that the scenario would FAR MORE than merely double the amount of enjoyment you get from the evening.

 

[Xenrai]

Do you have a genuine interest in the things that these people talk about?
You could be trying to force something that's not really for you. You said you have nothing that you're passionate about. I was in that position for a long while. Perhaps it's a good idea to look within to see what really draws your interest. And you must not stop until you find it! 27 is still very young.

 

[valis23]

Certainly there's no snap answer to a situation like this. Reading through these responses, my initial thoughts have changed. Rareboy seems to have the best take on the situation. You've put yourself out there to the degree you're willing. It's not enough. Six months may not be a terribly long time, but it's still a significant investment. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over, all while expecting the outcome to change.

I doubt I'm any more socially adept than you, so I'm the last person to tell you what to do. That said, were I in your shoes, I think I'd be searching for a good therapist.

 

[Soilwork]

It's basically just a cafe where people sit around and talk crap for a few hours.

What gets to me is that everyone else who goes all know each other really well, and talk about stuff like "remember when...." or what happened at pub X last thursday, etc etc.

The trouble is that for me, the group is effectively the ENTIRETY of my social life. So when they go into that mode I simply don't have a point of reference for what they're talking about and feel really left out.

Same thing when they talk about sex, even in generalities.

So... catch me up here... why don't you go out with them to Pub X?

 

[dr_beat]

Because I *can't get to the pub*. Like I keep saying, they're all X miles away from me, and there aren't buses in the evening.



No, they all live in Ipswich. I don't



I do appreciate this, but I'm not sure what I can do about it.

I do try not to be a Debbie and act cheerful when I meet people in person, even though I don't feel that way. Doesn't always work, though, as this afternoons sessions proved



Because, like I already said, I hate treating Dad as a taxi service. And getting a proper taxi would double the cost of the night.

Sorry, I know I'm being really pessimistic about this. But I haven't slept for two out of the last three nights and I'm really feeling like crap right now.

Then what you really need, it seems, is to try and befriend at least one person one time you get together in your area. Don't worry about going to the pub if that's not a viable option. Do what you can do. But...

...this may sound cruel and mean, but it's not. It comes from being in similar situations.

Stop making excuses and get out there and show people how great you are no matter what the consequences. And no excuses as to why you can't do this. At least try in baby steps because to not try at all is a cop out and means that you have much larger issues to deal with.

Go get 'em slugger!

 

[winterknight]

I really think you need to work with a physician and a therapist on these issues. You respond negatively to every single suggestion and while I'm sure you have our pity, it is difficult to be empathetic. Only someone working one on one with you and your parents is likely to be of any real help. You should get it soon or else you have many sad and frustrating years ahead.

There is no shame or stigma to be attached to the need for medical and therapeutic assistance; it has been the salvation of many people.

Please leave my parents out of it. If I really do have to see a shrink, I'd rather they didn't know. It's my issues, not theirs.

The one time I did see a doc about this, he just wrote out a script for prozac and forgot about me. Which made matters worse, not better. So I now trust the entire medical profession about as far as I can throw it. And I'm sure I'd have the same trouble talking to a shrink as I do to everyone else. Even if I could find one I could trust.

Looking at the situation objectively, I'm sure you're probably right. But it seems I have major issues to overcome before I can even get that far, and I just feel lost...

 

[rareboy]

I don't think you can leave your parents out of this.

They are certainly partly responsible for your lack of social development and the fact that they haven't pushed you out of the nest or encouraged you to be more independent of them is not healthy. I can't believe that they continue to let you continue on in this way when it must be clearly evident that something is not right if, as you say, you have no daily living skills and no social life to speak of.

The fact is, you appear to be seriously in need of good therapeutic counselling and someone who can help you function socially. You need someone who you can speak freely to about the issues of being a virtually isolated gay man. A good therapist is going to be able to help you break through the barrier of communication, first with them and then with others.

Obviously, you should not rule out clinical depression and anxiety disorders which may, in fact, require some medication (not necessarily prozac) as well as counselling to help you build a healthy adult life. If you don't want to use your own physician to obtain a referral, then why not ask your lgbt group members if they can recommend a gay-friendly family physician and start there. If this is the only thing you get out of this group, then it will have been a sucess.

 

[winterknight]

It's not their fault, it's entirely mine. They didn't do anything different with me than they did with my sister and she's perfectly well-adjusted. And they do try to help, but because I'm screwed up I don't let them. Go, team.

And whatever else happens, I refuse point blank to take antidepressants. Never, ever again.

 

[Nonimus]

And whatever else happens, I refuse point blank to take antidepressants. Never, ever again.

Cool! Can i have your left-over's?

 

[rareboy]

Well, winterknight, you have a long hard haul ahead of you and I don't envy you or your parents at all. I doubt if there's anything anyone can do for you until you actually take the first steps to help yourself. If, as you say, you have any concern for your parents, then I would think that you would do whatever it takes to make their lives easier, including getting medical and counselling help. The fact the you won't is deeply disturbing.

Once again, you respond to everything in the negative which is so clearly indicative of a desperate need for professional help. On the other hand, if you want to wear this horrible, heavy, black armour for the rest of your days, then you should probably stop complaining about the load.

 

[winterknight]

I don't want to carry it around, and I am trying. People never believe me when I tell them this, but it's true.

I don't have any fundamental objections to seeing a shrink - IF I could find one that I could be certain I could trust, and that I could see without getting my folks involved. But I had such a bad experience with the anti-D's last time that I don't want to take any sort of brain-altering chemicals ever again. I hardly ever even drink any more.