Still having trouble talking to people

[winterknight]

You may remember that late last year I started going to an LGBT drop-in thing in Ipswich on saturday afternoons. It was pretty much the only way that I could see of interacting with other gay people around me.

I've been nearly every Saturday for the last six months now, and I still feel like the third wheel.

I mean, I get on okay with the other people and they try their best to make me feel welcome and all - but a lot of the stuff they talk about, I simply can't relate too because I have no experience of it. Especially when they talk about what thy did on such-and-such a night - these parts of the convo make me feel really left out.

So my contribution to the discussion is limited to the occasional drive-by witticism. I still don't feel confident enough to talk about myself unless asked a direct question, and even if I did I'm not sure how I could fit it into the conversation.

Not what I'd hoped for, sadly

Thoughts, suggestions?

 

[sixthson]

I think that when you are shy or introverted, there is a real danger of becoming preoccupied with yourself to the point where you are uncomfortable in the presence of others.

Instead of trying to find something to say about yourself, just try listening to what the others are saying, getting to know them and when they discuss something, ask them general questions that are on topic. When you are isolated (as you are), it's difficult to find something to say about yourself that is pertinent to the topic at hand. Do they ever invite you to join them outside the group meeting? Do you let it be known that you would be interested in doing that?

Like anything, making conversation needs to become a habit with you. You need to practice this skill. It doesn't come easily to everyone. Visualize yourself with someone with whom you are always comfortable chatting i.e. parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, even someone online. Then relax when in group and remember what you have in common with the others, such as your sexuality, work or school.

As with any fear, the only way to overcome it is to face it. Six months may seem like a long time to feel comfortable with this group, but it is not. You've spent a lifetime avoiding others, now you need lots of time feeling comfortable with them. Ideally, you need a close buddy...one on one friendship.

Also, I'm sure you are far more critical of yourself than others are of you. It's obvious from reading your posts here that you are intelligent, witty and funny. You have something to offer here, you have something to offer elsewhere, as well.

Keep going to the meetings and speak up when you feel like it. You may naturally be a quiet person, anyway. It won't get any better alone, in your room.

Lastly, have you tried sharing with anyone in the group what you have shared with us? Trust me, you are not alone in how you feel, but if you are ever to change, you must continue to make the effort. You CAN do it, you know. It may feel painful and awkward now, but in time, you can see growth and become comfortable talking to others.

Keep us informed. Good luck, buddy.

 

[G-Lexington]

Yeah, I'll second 6th comments. Many times, a good conversation doesn't need another good talker, but a good listener. One who can listen, and sort of prod the conversation along with good questions. These people are ALWAYS welcome at group gatherings.

Lex

 

[winterknight]

There isn't anyone I really feel confident chatting with. I can't even talk to my parents.

And the sort of topics that I'm talking about here aren't even ones that I feel confident asking sensible questions about.

A few of them do occasionally meet up outside the meeting but I've never been invited In any case, unless it was a "meet up for lunch right before the group" type thing it's doubtful I'd be able to make it. I'm geographically isolated as well as emotionally, remember.

 

[cellular]

Well i havent been to LGBT meetings before, dont even know if we have one in the place i live in, so i dont know what they talk about. Can you give us some ideas of the topics they talk about? I mean if they talk about transgender operations or lewd sexual acts, i might also feel uncomfortable.

 

[winterknight]

It's basically just a cafe where people sit around and talk crap for a few hours.

What gets to me is that everyone else who goes all know each other really well, and talk about stuff like "remember when...." or what happened at pub X last thursday, etc etc.

The trouble is that for me, the group is effectively the ENTIRETY of my social life. So when they go into that mode I simply don't have a point of reference for what they're talking about and feel really left out.

Same thing when they talk about sex, even in generalities.

 

[quasar]

If your LGBT group is anything like the ones I've experienced, I'm not surprised you still feel isolated! Unfortunately, I felt like I'd stepped right out of one closet straight into another. It certainly wasn't a 'Lion, Witch and Wardrobe' experience of a new magical world where I could finally be myself.

After the first couple of visits, I'd already decided that my life couldn't revolve around sessions of bitching about the latest Muscle Mary at the gym. Nor was I interested in who'd done what to whom and in which position, or how well the cute new boy at the Deli counter in Tescos handled his meat! I certainly didn't give a damn what Dexter had done with Courtney in The World's Had a Turn, and no, I wasn't heartbroken that The Naff and the Hopeless had finished!!!

In short, I felt even more isolated than when I was in the closet, at least I had more things in common with my straight mates - and still do to a degree. I guess I just decided that I didn't need to belong to a group to be part of a group - if that makes sense.

I think you need to look elsewhere ie. groups that you have something in common with, but leave your sexuality out of it.

It's amazing how even the quietest of people can come alive when they are given the opportunity to talk about something they are knowledgeable of and passionate about.

Just a thought.

 

[winterknight]

It's not that bad, Q. it's just mostly "will I see you at the pub tonight" and so on. But even so, I just always feel left out of it.

And the trouble is, I'm not really passionate about anything. And even if I was, getting to places is still a major hassle. The group is in Ipswich on a Saturday afternoon, which means I can get there without having to get people to ferry me back and forward. Anywhere else and any other time would involve treating my dad like a taxi service, and I'm simply not prepared to do that.

 

[Nonimus]

^^^ Aint that the truth! Fucking Flag-wavers!

The fact is Wint's - You've taken a step in the right direction, like Quasar said - it aint gonna be a magical world, where everything is gonna make itself right but you are battling your demons and there will come a point in time when you are a lot more comfortable just being yourself around people gay or straight

And like sixthson mentioned - don't get too hung up on yourself or how you are perceived, that'll just lead you around in a big circle.

 

[winterknight]

Any idea when? you'd think I would have started to feel a bit less like a lemon after six months...

 

[sixthson]

Winterknight, you said you are not comfortable chatting with anyone in your life. Does that mean you expected to be able to chat easily with complete strangers? It's possible the only thing you have in common with them is your sexuality and that may not be enough, but being there might help you be more comfortable around others. Obviously you are not that comfortable with yourself or that accepting of yourself on more than one level.
I repeat, you need friends more than anything. There is a proverb that says "iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another". Friends are absolutely essential in forming who you are as a man. Who else can tell you the truth about who you are, even if it hurts? Who else can give you an ear to listen to you or a shoulder upon which to lean? Who else can love you when you don't even love yourself? A friend. Conversely, you will be that kind of friend for someone else, as well.
I have come to believe that finding true friends is not a particularly easy thing to do. True friends are indeed rare, but you can't make friends unless you put yourself out there, which is what you are trying to do. You may not find them at this group, but until you have the freedom to go elsewhere, this may be your best bet.
Also, you need independence. It does your self esteem no good to be dependent on your parents.

How long will it take? I don't know. But you have to hang in there and continue to make the effort.

 

[mike_n_herrin]

Oh buddy i don't really have any advise for ya. I'm not good at talking to people nor good at thinking of things to say. it's hard to break the ice and get into any group of already established folks. I just feel for ya 'cause i know how ya feel a little bit.

i just wanted to give a hug of support.

 

[Smitho]

Winterknight, is there no way you could go out with them to the pub after the session, alcohol always loosens up a social situation, do you drink? In answer to Q's like will I see you down the pub answer yes and go. I am not sure of your transport arrangements, obviusly you don't drive, and public transport is limited at night, but there must still be something running at 9pm? so you could have a couple of hours in the pub? Also I don't know your Dad, but would he really mind picking you up late once a month, or could you afford a taxi home? Are you working? as thats another good way to meet people.

 

[frankfrank]

Lots of good advice and ideas in this thread...and I'm happy to see that you are continuing going to the TBGL (I felt like putting it out of sequence) meetings. Some night you may completely surprise yourself and suddenly, without any warning, feel like responding or even starting a conversation. Thanks for keeping us posted. You have friends HERE from around the world, but we look forward to when you have friends NEARBY...who you're able to hang with in person.

 

[justsimon]

I usually just focus on connecting with one or two people in the group. That way I always have someone to talk to and, hopefully, they can help me meet others.

 

[MRMATTX2]

Winterknight, I also know how you feel.

I've had trouble talking to people all my life. I've also joined gay men's chat/rap groups, and found them just as you described: nearly all the guys know each other already, and I feel like an outsider. It is a depressing feeling. After I attended a few times, there were one or two who made it a point to say hello to me, which was nice. So, I was lucky in that sense.

We can give you encouragement here, but you're the one who has to face this challenge. I'd say try to get transportation to different venues. Maybe there is group with activities (bowling or darts maybe, if you have those over there) that you could join. Sometimes if there is a group activity it's easier to start talking to people. Maybe a literary group, or volunteer with some sort of organization.

I've found as I've gotten older, it's gotten just a little easier for me. I don't get as anxious or self-conscious, I guess I don't care what people think of me anymore, like I did when I was younger. Now if I'm in a group of people I don't know, and I feel ignored....I just relax and observe.

Don't give up, though.

 

[Joshua_me]

I think that when you are shy or introverted, there is a real danger of becoming preoccupied with yourself to the point where you are uncomfortable in the presence of others.

Also, I'm sure you are far more critical of yourself than others are of you.

^These^ are *very* good points !

If you are isolated from others, it's easy for your mind to go places like, "Everyone knows 'the score' but me..." Or, "Everyone is SO well adjusted that surely *I'm* way behind all of them and they will laugh and talk about me...."

Quite simply...This is NOT the case !

*Everybody* deals with these thoughts, but once you get out there and start talking to others, you just might be surprised to find out that we
are ALL in the same boat. Trying to put our best foot forward, trying to hide the other foot that is dragging behind.

Lame metaphors aside, the more you get to know people and 'put yourself out there', the more you'll realize we are all just a little fucked up.

And oddly, there is comfort to be found in that realization.

 

[winterknight]

Also, you need independence. It does your self esteem no good to be dependent on your parents.

The trouble is that I'm emotionally dependent on them as well as financially. Even if I could afford to move out it would be a phenomenally bad idea, because left to my own devices I simply don't look after myself. At all.

As in, forget to eat and stuff like that.

I hate it and I try not to be a more of a burden on them than I have to, but the alternative is worse from what I can tell.

 

[rareboy]

Well I'd rather eat broken glass than be in an artificial social grouping, but I think that Prairie looner has the perfect advice. Don't try to connect with everyone, just a couple of people at a time.

I think some serious help is needed here though and I think you and your parents had better look for it now. At the age of 27, you should not be totally dependent on parents to this extent. I had a high school acquaintance who remained at home with his parents and as you can guess, eventually the day came when they died and he was left on his own. They had never raised him to be an adult and he was utterly helpless, but had no other friends or social outlets.

It did not have a good outcome.

If you need assistance with mental health issues, like your emotional dependence and your inability to cope with even basic life skills, you should seek help for these issues first and then you'll have more confidence in meeting other people. I think you might be in the wrong group.

 

[Newbie_69]

Three Never Fail Steps:

1.Grab the person's Hand.

2.Look straight in his eyes.

3.Say "I'm really glad to know you."