Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[LostVegas]

I know...I know. There are a dozen threads and topics on here right now about this, but please try and bear with me.

I met my best friend 3 years ago. It couldn't have happened at a more necessary time in my life. I am a 29 years old and gay. It is odd for me to even type that because ever since my childhood I have repressed this and have become so despondent and depressed over my lifetime, that it physically hurts. I am just comign to terms with all of this now.

So to make myself feel a little better I joined Bally's, a gym here on the east coast, and I think some other places. After some time going to the gym, I got a call from the manager there asking if I wanted a free trial personal training session. I said sure, why not. I went to the gym that day, kind of flippant about it, considering what I thought about personal trainers to begin with. So I meet the trainer and we had a greats session. I signed up for a few more, and before you knew it, we became friends. We became better friends one day after he was that I was down and just simply said "Whats bothering you?". And with that we got closer and closer. I told him of my abusive past with molestation by a few men and for some reason I just felt ok and comfortable and opened up with this guy.

Soon after we found out we were very much alike with our personalities and interests...he invited me over his apartment and introduced me to his fiancee. It would begin a period of time where we hung out a lot together and he helped me get over some issues I was going through, trusting people, etc..

We then became like brothers...we felt the same, finish each others sentences and found hanging out with each other to be very worthwhile. Soon after all of this started taking place me, him and his fiancee take a trip to Las Vegas for a week. We like it so much, and since we were all so miserable in NYC..we decided to move out there in July of 2004...Soon after he tells me that he has something to tell me and it might hurt me. He told me that in the beginning of our friendship he used me...for money and for some other things..he told me he was telling me this because he sees me as a brother and he wanted to come out with it..The friendship grew quickly and strongly at this point and we had a blast in Vegas...too much of a blast...Vegas spit us out as quickly as we got there and before long(Xmas of that very year) we found ourselves back in NYC...

Year goes by...Hes too depressed to work, she works at a meaningless job, and Im working since we got back..We all decided that we would one day move back to Vegas and recently the people they were staying with(his mother in law) got evicted so on Tuesday with some of my financial help they will be moving back there but I wont be going...I cant beging to tell you how upset I am that I will not be able to go for another year and a half at least(finishing schooling, saving money)..

To be honest I have harbored a crush on him since day one. Even through the friendship and even now that we consider ourselves brothers..I am very much into him...and ache when hes not around and there...Sometimes, I think I get a sense from him that he might be bi or gay..but I dunno..something also tells me maybe its my mind working agaisnt me and its just wishful thinking...consider the following..

Reasons he gives me to think he might be bi-or gay...
He never sleeps with his girl in the same bed...or rarely does
He constantly tells me that he wishes he was single and if it wasnt for his girl things would be easier
Many people say that we act like a gay couple cuz we r so close and fight like a married couple
He says Im the most important thing in his world even more so than his mom and girlfriend
He says when hes with his girl and his best friends hes often wondering what Iim doing and what Im up to
He gets very jealous when I talk about or hang with my other friends
He gets emotional with me, something he doesnt do around his other friends and girl
He says often that he needs me cuz his girl isnt there for him emotionally a lot and that I know how to talk to him and calm him down
We cry a lot together bout him leaving for Vegas without me and he tells me constantly that he should be happier hes going but hes not, because a huge piece of his heart is here still in NYC with me
His girl and friends are very jealous when we hang out and his girl is SO on top of him when we hang out, its almost like she thinks we are doing something, like im some girl moving in or something-nothing to do with whethere hes gay or not, just thought Id type it.
I keep telling him that I have something important to tell him and that its pretty big about me, and he goes "this isnt some jerry springer thing and your secrelty in love with me are you?" we both laughed it off but I was dying inside.

Reasons hes prolly straight
Hes got a girl/fiancee for bout 4 years now...been together 8
He always is saying "look at that girls ass" and "hey check her out" constantly like typical macho men do..I have to confess to being jealous and sometimes angry when he does this in front of me, because it just totally throws all these feelings I have for him up in the air...

I know I sound like a 13 year old writing this and some of the things I have said sound borderline obsessive..I know. But please know that I DO KNOW how to be friends with someone without messing it up..I do realize that if he is really straight, then by all means I do respect that...I plane on coming out to him very soon..Its a shame hes leaving for Vegas so soon though...my heart is utterly breaking...I will miss him very much nd I hope distance doesnt change the friendship, we are both worried about that..

I know he will be shaken a little when I tell him but after telling him so many times that I have something important to tell him he turns to me and said "I know what your secret is, but I dont wanna jump the gun and possibly offend you..I know what it is..and I wish I had the balls to tell you what I know it is.." So on some level I know he knows Im gay and in some deeper level I think he knows Im into him....and even after all that he says we will always be good brothers and he will miss me dearly and even reconsidered breaking up and just staying here with me so we could go out there together in a year, but we both know he cant do that...So I dont know...anyone have any opinions...please be kind, my heart is aching and breaking right now...

 

[theblackajah]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Honestly, I really feel you should once and for all TELL him how you feel. Maybe go out for a beer, invite him over to your place to watch the Super Bowl, something like that. Then tell him.

Seen Brokeback Mountain? Don't let him get away!

If you don't tell him, then you'll spend the rest of your life wondering... "what if?"

In the end though, the choice is yours. Good luck I'm rooting for you!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Honestly, I really feel you should once and for all TELL him how you feel. Maybe go out for a beer, invite him over to your place to watch the Super Bowl, something like that. Then tell him.

Seen Brokeback Mountain? Don't let him get away!

If you don't tell him, then you'll spend the rest of your life wondering... "what if?"

In the end though, the choice is yours. Good luck I'm rooting for you!

Thanks for the kind words...I plan on coming out to him very soon and face to face...More often than not i THINK our friendship and relationship has sexual undercurrents..hes always saying im the brother he always wanted and we do mess around alot play fight wide..but even still that could be chalked up to what all guys in friendships sometiems do...anyway..my idea right now is to let go of him and watch him go to Vegas with his girl and eventually maybe hell miss me so much things will change...and in the meanwhile I will be coming out to him...I look at it like this...

He has a secret of his own and time will let that come out

Or

I will come out to him and that will in time develop something between us...

or

I will come out to him and he will say hes straight and confirm that for me..and at the very most I have a dear, important friend and brother still

all 3 scenarios are cool in my book

more opinions and thoughts are welcome, thanks!

 

[theblackajah]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well, it'd be better, IMO, if you come out to him before he leaves for Vegas. Once he leaves, you may have missed your opportunity!

Good luck again! And I do think you and him have something going on! (Except that he's probably really closeted and can't accept the fact that he's perhaps bisexual)

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well, it'd be better, IMO, if you come out to him before he leaves for Vegas. Once he leaves, you may have missed your opportunity!

Good luck again! And I do think you and him have something going on! (Except that he's probably really closeted and can't accept the fact that he's perhaps bisexual)

The next time I will be able to see him is in August and I plan on doing it then..He leaves for Vegas on Wednesday morning...and I dont think Im exactly ready to tell him and also I dont think thst the news you drop on someone before they move lol...but in all seriousness, we have the closest friendship you can find anywhere so I know the friendship wont break...I will tell him soon enough...

Recently hes been sour on the whole marriage thing and is dragging his feet, hes had a rather long engagement...but well see...I guess more wishful thinking..lata

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I went for a walk today to take my mind off things and I wanted to get some air...I eventually walked in his neighborhood and called him from a payphone..I said he buddy...can u talk?...hey goes bro I was just calling u at ur house..I wanna talk too where r u? I said in ur neighborhood, he goes Ill pick you up


We get in the car and we both are quiet and I said buddy the next time Ill see you is in 6 months and he just started crying..he played sme songs that he told me remind him of me..This used to be my playground and ill remember by madonna as well as this song Collide by Howide Day....

A week ago he told me everytime he hears this song it makes him think of me and he gets sad...he called me at 3 in the morning to wake me up and listen to the song as he played it over the phone for me...we often talk for hours everynight.....here are the lyrics of the song he says reminds him of me..

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide


Sad song, im gunna miss my buddy!!!

 

[halubtsi]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

LostVegas, I'm sorry to hear that your best buddy is leaving. But you have a truly amazing friendship and I don't think that the distance will affect it negatively. It'll be hard, since you won't be able to hang out as readily...but I'm sure that you'll keep in contact. 6 months really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, and August will be here sooner than you know it.

You're right about not telling him before he leaves. Normally, I'd say the opposite, but since he's leaving so soon it may not be such a good idea. More importantly, you're not ready to tell him yet. But truth be told, a friend doesn't need a tremendous amount of time to let the news sink in. However, I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind with regards to his move. If you do decide to tell him before he goes, just don't do it 5 minutes before he leaves...that's definitely not enough time.

May I just say though...I told my oldest friends this past Christmas when I went home. For the past few years, it was getting easier for me to leave "home" because I felt that they (my friends and their families) really didn't know me. After I told them, they still showed me the love that they had always shown and though they knew my secret, nothing had changed. I spent another 2 weeks at home and spent a lot of quality time with them...I figured I had gotten it out of my system. But when I left, it was the most painful departure I had ever experienced. I actually started crying as I was leaving my hometown...

Why the story? Because, if you do tell him before he leaves, it may make it more difficult for the two of you to say good-bye. But, the benefit is...he knows for certain and he leaves with a fuller picture of you.

Take care LostVegas...and remember it's only 6 months.

 

[PieRules]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

What a touching story and I wish you the very best. I'm guessing your best friend and his fiancee are trying another shot at Vegas because of the atmosphere and/or career, even though they have deeper roots in NYC that are more stable. Your love for each other is platonic and painful on every level. I hope that when you come out to him/that when you do, that if he does tell you he's straight in every aspect, that it will give you a little bit of closure to find someone else to reciprocate the feelings that you have for him.

Telling him before he moves is definitely a shocker, but you know when the right time is to come out to him. From what I read in your story is that he knows on a subconscious level that you are gay (Have you dated a girl/guy in those three years you knew him?) and that even if you do tell him you are gay won't phase your friendship and he will be okay with it. Missing a best friend is rough, particularly with the relationship you two share. I wish you the best and hang in there.

That Billie Holliday song is very touching...all it needs is Oasis' Wonderwall song to complement it.

 

[mike0501]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I'm just going to tell you my immediate thoughts here:

1. He has hinted to you several times that he knows you're gay, so it's obviously not a problem
2. You might consider just coming out to him that you're gay and let that sink in a bit before telling him about your feelings for him
3. Lost opportunities hurt FOR EVER!

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

What a touching story and I wish you the very best.

Telling him before he moves is definitely a shocker, but you know when the right time is to come out to him. From what I read in your story is that he knows on a subconscious level that you are gay (Have you dated a girl/guy in those three years you knew him?) QUOTE]


Thank you very much guys for the words. No I have not dated a girl or even feigned interest in girls around him. I think he really does know. I did get a female hooker one time when drunk in Vegas while he waited outside. He got it for me, guessing that all I needed was a lil push to start liking women...But all we did was talk about how hard it is being a prostitute in Vegas and where she came from..I wound up giving her a message lol and we just ended up chillin..

Just got off the phone with him and Im kind of pissed. Dont really know why. Maybe cuz Im not goin with him. Maybe because his girl and her family are celebrating the move so much. Maybe because his girl got on the phone and said I could come out there and visit...Im like gee thanks, if it wasnt for me ur ass would still be here floundering...Dont get me wrong I love her like a sister but she can be annoying....He told me tonight..that hes afraid of going out there without me cuz hes afraid he wont be able to live..He says such a piece of his heart will be here with me that it will be breaking..all he does now is recount the littlest things we ever did when we hang out...We were rough housing today and I left a mark on his nose...I did this two other times with him and his girl WAS LIVID that he came home with a mark on his nose..I think she was angry because she knew it must have meant we were wrestling..so to be spiteful when we were hanging in the car earlier today..I gave him a mark on his nose...yah im 29 but can be a kid sometimes loll..thanks for the feedback and I welcome all responses.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Just a very small update..sittin here at a quarter to eight in the morning, with nothing but my buddy on my mind...we took time out tonight to make time for each other and we are going for a long drive..anyone who knows us knows that we always go for long drives a few times a month...Im sure it will be sad with some crying and laughing..he will try like he always has been the past few days to change my mind to get me to come out there...wish I could just lean over and give him a kiss while hes crying tonight... but we will see how it goes..for some reason even though I know he knows in some way it is still hard to tell him....and why do you think if he knows it, it is so hard to ask me??????

I mentioned to a friend online last night that me and my buddy talk constantly and daily from like 12-4 or 5 sometimes 6 in the morning...and sometimes we can be hanging or on the phone and not even talk for minutes but we know we are there so it makes us comfortable....I also told her bout the song he says reminds him of me and she says it sounds not only like a love song..but stopped to ask me "Are you sure this kid aint gay?" and I said I think im pretty sure hes straight and she goes "well I dont even know females that do that with each other and it sounds like something that He should be telling his fiancee..not you.."

anyone have any thoughts on this?? he has ben mistaken for gay in the past he told me once by some others...he also is like more emotional and I guess you would say letting his guard down around me..he changes a little when hes with his other friends(has to act all macho round his italian friends)...He told me yesterday..that his friends asked him why hes not happier bout the move..and he goes "Bri...how could I just tell them that the reason Im not happy is because of you?"...his girl also asked him why hes so anxious and not so happy bout the move, but he didnt say why...


And one last thing..I mentioned earlier that one night he could tell something was really bothering me...and prior to that I kept telling him that I have something to tell him that he may or may not take badly...and he jokingly but kind of seriously said to me "Bri this aint no jerry springer thing where ur gunna tell me u have a crush on me is it?" and i just sighed and said no and goodnight and got out of his car and went home...when he called me when he got home minutes later he asked what happened and I said i got sad, and he goes I think i know why....so my question to you is why would HE be the first to offer up that I might have a crush on him? is it because he thinks I do or was he joking?....


Oh and you may have noticed many "buddy" references..it is a thing we have with each other..we say it constantly to each other in real life conversation..."Ok buddy...see ya lata buddy...how are you buddy...Im gunna miss you buddy" One day we were in the car and his girl goes to us, you sound like a gay couple with all this "buddy" stuff...oh if she only knew...and hey that brings up another point..I also on some level wonder if the fiancee knows???? I remember one time when she was trying to get him out of the house and do something fun he was kind of hesitant and lazy...and she goes in a huff "bri how bout you talk to him, he only seems to listen when u talk to him"

She is not emotionally there for my friend and i know the sex aint great with them, cuz he used to comment to me that she is very boring in bed and I know it goes months and weeks on end with them not having it..and she is very on top of him when Im around him..especially if we are on the phone for hours..he usually waits for her to go to bed to call me and talk for hours...and she doesnt really hang out with him when he goes with his other friends but when hes with me she always wants to tag along and know whats up...I dunno...when my friend was going through anxiety attacks and severe depression she did not help one bit and I was there for my friend..she seems to get jealous that he always comes to me when something is wrong...I dont know I will keep updating you guys..hopefully someone out there is reading this and following it...Bri

 

[halubtsi]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Why wouldn't you keep updating? I'm following your posts, as I'm sure many others are. I mean, your thread has been viewed 150 times or so...Even if people aren't posting, they're reading.

My heart really goes out to you, because I can imagine the pain you must be feeling. I know in my heart that things will work out for you. Your friendship is safe, and as long as you keep in contact with him, he won't be so lonely. He really does love you. Perhaps on some level, he loves you more than his girlfriend, but I really can't say. I've never witnessed a best friend trump a girlfriend amongst anyone I know. It could be that he's staying with his fiancee, because they've been together for so long. I mean, there must be some comfort he derives from being in a relationship for that long, regardless if the love is there or not.

You asked a few questions...so I'll try to answer. If he suspects you're gay, as a friend, why would he ask you? I've never actually had a friend ask me seriously, if I was gay. The only ones that did ask really thought I was straight and in a joking manner said "why, don't you like girls or something? hahaha" When I started dropping hints, no one ever asked if I was gay. It's like, once they suspect, the question "are you gay?" becomes unspeakable. You may see this come up quite often on the boards, but you'll come out when you're good and ready to do so. From your buddy's standpoint, he is most likely thinking: "If you're gay, it's not my business to ask you. When you're ready, you'll tell me." And, quite frankly asking someone if he's gay is a pretty loaded and personal question. It ranks up there with "are you pregnant?" when based solely on physical appearance.

To be quite honest, I have to agree with your female friend...I don't know of any guys that would say "this song reminds me of you..." ESPECIALLY when that song is a love song. He might be gay, or at the very least he's just really in touch with his emotions. But, as I did mention before, I really do believe that he loves you. The two of you have clicked on such a deep emotional level. As you've said, you're filling his emotional needs. If he's gay, then you could probably fill his physical needs as well...but if he is straight, you're filling the greater of the two needs, since his fiancee isn't there for him emotionally.

As for his comment about Jerry Springer, he may have wanted to make you feel more comfortable by making a joke. Unfortunately, I don't think the result was the one he was expecting. Although you were ready to tell him at that time, you probably imagined how the conversation was going to go. When he made a joking comment, most likely to lessen the tension and to make you feel more relaxed, it threw you off course. Imo, it's best not to plan all the details of a "coming out." Basically, you just set the time and regardless of what is said or done, you just tell them. I believe that he was just joking with the crush comment, but he may also suspect. Still, despite his suspicions, he hasn't cooled your friendship. So, it is quite possible that he's projecting his personal feelings onto you. In other words, he may also have a crush on you and is wondering if you have one on him. You did say his was dragging his feet with regards to setting a wedding date. Now, this isn't really uncommon for straight guys... But if he's waiting for you, it may be another explanation as to why he's taking so long. You know...holding out for your soulmate? And yes, from the way you described things, it does sound like the two of you are soul mates.

The fiancee does probably suspects. However, how many women would ever want to admit that their boyfriend/fiance/husband is gay? She invested a lot of time into this relationship, yet in the relatively short time you became friends with her man, you were able to form a deep emotional bond with him. She's most likely jealous that you know her man better than she does. From what you tell us, he's been more forthcoming with you than with her. Why doesn't she leave him, then? Probably for the same reason your buddy hasn't left her yet...comfort. Silly analogy, but when you get a part time job and you end up hating it...sometimes you continue to work there because it's stable...you have a job. Though you might want to quit, you stick around because of the uncertainty of finding another job. The job might not be as flexible as the one you have, or you might hate your new job more than the one that you currently have. We all crave stability in some way. We like to have constants in our lives...Some find that in relationships while others find that in religion.

I'm starting to rethink my earlier position...Since you already made an attempt to tell him before, and we know the details a little better, I believe that you are ready to tell him. Have you considered telling him tonight? I'm not trying to push you or anything, but you had already made the decision to tell him before. He does have a lot on his mind right now, but it appears that he's thinking a lot more about you than the actual move itself. I had no idea that was the case. I would have thought he'd be thinking about packing and getting things in order...but obviously, you are what he's thinking of. On a sidenote, may I just mention that I think it's sweet and beautiful?

Ask yourself...deep down, do you want your friend to marry his fiancee? Are you secretly happy that he is dragging his feet in choosing a wedding date? I don't want to add pressure, but if he's going to be away from you for 6 months, there is a chance that he'll choose the date in your absence. He might feel that it is possible to live without you nearby, and come to the conclusion that you just have a really deep friendship. This isn't a bad thing per se, but it would be if in fact the relationship is something more than just a "deep friendship."

Sorry, this was one of my longer responses...Whatever you choose to do, I'm confident it will work out in the end. Cheers.

 

[tpeezy101]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

^I think you should tell him. YOu said he was "dragging his feet" about the marriage? Maybe he's hoping you will open up before he leaves. I don't know. Don't take my word for it though. But what if, when the 6 months come along you DON'T have that chance to see him? Maybe he just feels he has to marry so he won't let his family or girlfriend down. Besides if he says he "knows" what it is how hard could it be? Maybe b/c he knows about you he feels he can be more of himself with you. If I were you I think I'd tell him, especially if I wasn't going to see him for 6 months(and him being that close). But like I said don't take my advice, b/c I'm not very experienced, it's just that your story sounds so perfect.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

WOW thanks for all of the great responses. I am overwhelmed.

I'm not sure If I am completely ready to tell him, but I do really know I will tell him in the next few months. I want to wait for a better time. From some of your responses, it seems that you guys think that this is my last chance and its do or die and I wont see him anymore. The thing is, I KNOW we will always be together as friends and brothers. That will not change. Thats a pretty bold statement to say considering when friends and people move across state or even just further away, things change that you cannot necessarily control or think could happen. But Im pretty sure things will be fine in that department with me and him...


My plan, if you want to call it that, is to be the same person Ii have always been with him. I will let him go, heartbreaking as it is, and see what happens...I do think he will miss me greatly to the point where it hurts him so much...I dont want to see him hurt or in pain but if its that kind of pain and its for me, how could I not want that...You guys really hit it on the head with their relationship...listen Im not sure if he is gay or straight, I cant get a good read either way...one day he could be calling me playing songs for me on the phone and the next we are hanging in his car and hes checking out all the ladies...it drives me nuts.

But getting back to him and her, we went for a 3 hour walk last week and he said that him and his girl got into a fight and sometimes he thinks bout how things would be easier and more fun on his own..but he did say that he has been with her 8 years and hes comfortable in that, and that he would be scared a little if single....I dont think in his life he thought someone like me would come along...when I came along he was in the midst of getting engaged and hes a macho guy with macho friends...i think if he ever was gay or at least bi, this whole world that hes in and grew up in would be very shocked and angry at that..his girl and mom would be angry and I dont think his friends would ever be the same to him...I think when I came into his life..

I dont know what he thinks, where his head is at, or what his deal is...but I do think me coming into his life made him re-evaluate things..I mean this even from just a friendship point...his friends dont see how he grew to like me so quickly..we are polar opposites on some things and very much the same on many others..one of his friends went with me and him on a cruise this summer(without his girl mind u-but he did hit on ladies on the boat so WTF LOL) and his friend told him that im a good guy and he could see why hes friends with me...what I dont get bout my buddy is that he acts/is so straight yet hell say cryptic things like "we are more a like buddy than you will ever know" or "i wish you knew how i really felt bout this whole moving thing. because i dont think u know" or "you dont know how much this is hurting me"....

He has told me many times that he loves money but would give it up if it meant not talking to me anymore or seeing me anymore...and he said as much as he loves Vegas and is looking foward to getting a job there that he wont be able to enjoy it unless Im there...I dont know...sometimes I kick myself because I think this is all in my head and such a waste of time..I do know that when I come out to him, I wont say that I am into him because that would be too much..plus I think when I tell him, he is going to just imply from it also that i might be into him, since he has said it once or twice before in jest...we'll see how it goes..Im looking foward to seeing his beautiful face tonight..


P.S.-FYI-hes 28 and such a handsome guy..He doesnt have the most muscles, hes softened a bit since quitting the gym..but hes so hot..His hands and feet and chest are my favorite attributes on him...he used to sleep over at my apt some nights and all I could do was just stare at him while he slept, so cute he is...just writing about him makes me long for him...a week ago we were out for one of our drives and he mooned me and put his ass against the passenger window while I had it closed..he goes did u see my ass..and I go I wasnt looking and he muttered "yeah right"...hes got SUCH a cute body, I want him so bad..mind you I never could get through a session of trining with him without thinking bout him, specially when he was up close to me telling me how to do this weight like that or to do this , etc...sigh...talk to you all soon and keep up the responses..i love em

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Why wouldn't you keep updating? I'm following your posts, as I'm sure many others are. I mean, your thread has been viewed 150 times or so...Even if people aren't posting, they're reading.

Ask yourself...deep down, do you want your friend to marry his fiancee? Are you secretly happy that he is dragging his feet in choosing a wedding date?

Sorry, this was one of my longer responses...Whatever you choose to do, I'm confident it will work out in the end. Cheers.

I love your responses Hal..along with everyone else too..I do like in some way that hes waiting on getting married..and I dont want him to get married...is that so wrong of me to say? Sometimes Ii feel bad thinking that, because at the end of the day his fiancee is not a bad girl and shes a good friend of mine..and if thats what he chooses and he is straight then I would want him to be happy...that being said I think he will def not get married in the time that I am away...they have talked bout getting married so he could get health insurance, but he even put that off...

I want to know is there anything I can say to him tonight or say back to him tonight to sort of drop a hint..Im scared to go there with him but when we talk it feels so right that we are together its unbelievable..I have not seen Brokeback Mountain and heard only bits and pieces...I feel like Im in that movie..unrequited love..I think thats the term that is used...

I am blessed because I know if I tell him Im gay and hes straight it wont change much at all and it might make us deeper friends..theres so much more to our friendship than people know...hopefully I can tell you more bout it when it comes to my head here and there...I told him "you know theres probably a lot of people who are glad your moving because that mean it would be harder for us to be friends."{ and he goes "I definitely agree with you on that.." i love him so much guys...

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi LostVegas, I'm really glad you found JUB and found this forum.

Wow, you've got quite a complicated relationship going there. So many have given such excellent advice and perspectives since last night, and you're such a good writer that I almost feel like I know you, him, his fiance and it's like watching a movie in progress. (If you stop updating, I will hunt you down and drag the conclusion out of you!)

Based on what you write, yes, I think he knows and I think he's cool with it. Moreover, I would bet you next month's rent that his finance knows about you, and has as many suspicions about him as you do. There must be so much emotional undercurrent going on in this triad that more is going on nonverbally underneath the scenes as what is being played on in real-time. Wow.

When you come out to him depends on your level of patience with this cat-and-mouse script that's playing out. If *I* were writing the script, I'd hope you'd do it before he leaves--like tonight when you see him. But, that may not be realistic, nor what you feel is best to do given all the circumstances. If so, I respect that.

He is such an enigma. Most straight guys such don't develop that level of physical and emotional intimacy with other men as he has with you. Yet, on the other hand, I've had straight male friends who were so comfortable with themselves, and so assured of their masculinity/straightness, that they were able to form incredibly tight (but platonic) bonds with other men. They were also in touch with their emotional side and weren't afraid to show affection--even for other men. Gayness didn't revolt them--it just wasn't who they were, but had no problem with it. It's what's popularly known now as "metrosexual."

Still, on yet another hand, perhaps he does have gay feelings for you, is bisexual on some level, but doesn't know how to articulate it or deal with it or recognize/accept it. He knows he loves you (heart breaks when leaving, misses you, voices how you mean more to him than anyone), but may not know what to do about it--particularly since "in love" is not a topic that's on the table right now. Perhaps in his confusion, he wants it all--the socially approval fiance, best friend whom he loves emotionally and his world is in order when he has her and you.

What I'm worried about is you--Brian. You're the one who knows who you are and what you want. You are being fed up huge portions of mixed messages that would drive anyone nuts eventually. I think you need closure, actually. I would hope that you call out to the elephant that everyone knows is in the living room and discuss it openly and honestly. You could even let him know of your openness to bring him into your life (he probably realizes that's your feelings anyway). Then, see what happens. I wouldn't expect closure in one conversation, probably, but keep moving him in that direction. You deserve happiness, and this triangle isn't cutting it anymore. I think you want more, and I think he owes you so answers (at least eventually) as where you stand with him and what he's willing to commit to with you.

Good luck with this. Somebody is going to get hurt in this--either you or his fiance. I hope it's not you. But, even if it is, getting closure will allow you to regain your life and begin the trek of moving on.

Please keep in touch with us. Many of us have been in this position and know how exasperating it is and how much it hurts. We're here for you. All of us. Take care.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi LostVegas, I'm really glad you found JUB and found this forum.

Wow, you've got quite a complicated relationship going there.


Perhaps in his confusion, he wants it all--the socially approval fiance, best friend whom he loves emotionally and his world is in order when he has her and you.

What I'm worried about is you--Brian.

Thanks for the hearty welcome Guy..I had found the forum a few weeks ago and had been lurking and figured what better place than to let this unfold than here. I knew full well ahead of time that I was going to hear some nice things here and some cold hard reality things..and I gladly welcome it all.

This is a very complicated situation here. And all signs seem to point to the fact that I will get hurt. I know this. I have seen this many times even in straight relationships. I have read a dozen of the same stories with all the same endings. And yet, somehow, when I see him, my heart yearns for him without question. I never felt more right about someone in my life. I still get nervous when he calls with butterflies, and I have known him almost 4 years and this is my best friend, so you can see how much I feel for him. I will come out to him relatively soon, perhaps not as quick as those on here suggest, but soon for me, as I have spent so many a year suppressing this and these feelings.

I also 100% concur with your assessment that he sees his life as happy with his socially accepted GF and me as his brother and best friend. Whether hes gay or not, he just doesnt feel his life is full if I am not in it. What I am going to do tonight is play the strong role. You see, me and my friend also have this thing and I think sometimes it could be common with close people. We seem to take opposite roles. If Im down he plays the strong one and if Im up he seems to be down...and when hes down is when his feelings come out. So tonight I will play the strong role and sees what happens...I want so badly to see him tonight..yesterday I made a comment about him staying.."Why cant you just stay here bro?"..he replied "If i stay here, you better get ready to be my new girlfriend..because this one will leave me if i change my mind and stay.." I didnt react at all to it..my heart did..but I didnt, I was strong...

I need to come out to him for two reasons..One is to take this load off my back and two is to see where he stands if hes gay or not...even if my coming out doesnt cause him to come out or even if he reaffirms his hetero status to me, at least I can focus my attention to being with other guys while still having him in my life..I guess in much the same way hes doing now with his girl and me..I know I need distractions from him and this will come in different form when I come out..I realize obsessing over anything and anyone like this usually is not good and ends up bad...and yet I cant control my heart when Im around him or thinking about him...


When I first started hanging out with him and he took me home to chill with him and play video games and watch movies, I couldnt even sit on the same couch as him, because of my trust issues. He made me overcome that. He took me out of my shell. He showed me I could trust again...We went to great adventure and he goes "bri..we are doing that bungee jump" and Im so terribly afraid of heights but because he helped me through it I did it and was one of the most frightening yet awesome times I have ever had..

I will remember and miss just playing games and hanging with him and not having to say a word for an hour..we know each other well...I will miss walking with him when he was down and had anxiety and I will miss the drives with him..I will miss talking bout getting houses next door to each other and raising families together..I will miss going to the casinos in vegas and going up to the mountains together alone every night just to think...I will mis him dearly and keep him close in my heart..but I know hes never more than a cheap airline ticket away or a phone call away..I wish everyone could be so lucky as to find someone, a friend or brother like this..I cant imagine my life without him..He saved me and changed me in so very many ways that I dont even know about yet...He always used to tell me "Bri...i think it was fate that we met..we were meant to meet..and to affect and change each others lives.." and I couldnt agree more.

 

[halubtsi]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I do like in some way that hes waiting on getting married..and I dont want him to get married...is that so wrong of me to say? I think he will def not get married in the time that I am away...they have talked bout getting married so he could get health insurance, but he even put that off...

I want to know is there anything I can say to him tonight or say back to him tonight to sort of drop a hint..Im scared to go there with him but when we talk it feels so right that we are together its unbelievable..

I am blessed because I know if I tell him Im gay and hes straight it wont change much at all and it might make us deeper friends

LV, no it's not wrong for you to be happy that he's taking so long...I mean, you love this guy. From what you've told us, you aren't doing anything to sabotage his engagement, nor are you trying to drive a wedge between him and his fiancee. Your dream is that he won't get married...There's nothing wrong with dreams or even wishful thinking. Just remember that they are just dreams...at least, for the time being. You have no control over your buddy's sexuality. That book has been written...you just haven't read it yet. So, you can assume what the conclusion is, but you'll never know until you read it. Sorry, bad analogy.

There's a lot that you could say tonight. But quite honestly, dropping anymore hints won't advance your cause any further. As I mentioned before, he's not going to ask you such a personal question. The only way he's going to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you're gay, is if you tell him directly. I know you don't feel that you're ready, and again, you will decide when the time is right. If you can't say "I'm gay," try "I'm not into women." If you want to contextualise it, then just tell him that you love him, you're going to miss him and before he leaves, you want him to know the "whole" you...That you don't want to keep a big secret from your best buddy. Then you can tell him about the hooker he bought you and how you didn't sleep with her...And that there's a reason why you don't have (never had?) a girlfriend. If you want to stop short of saying: "I'm gay," you could always just say, "do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

You say it feels right when the two of you are together. For all you know, he's having the same feelings...which would explain the pain he feels from having to separate from you. You complete your buddy...at least emotionally. He probably recognises that as well.

You are blessed to have such a good friendship. You are also blessed because you are able to love, and also be loved in return. You said you had unrequited love? Not so. He does love you. Unrequited love is when you love someone who doesn't love you back. That's definitely not the case here.
Does your story resemble BBM? um...well, not unless you get married to a woman, he gets married to his fiancee and the two of you sneak off together every so often to go "fishing."

 

[halubtsi]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

What I am going to do tonight is play the strong role. You see, me and my friend also have this thing and I think sometimes it could be common with close people. We seem to take opposite roles. If Im down he plays the strong one and if Im up he seems to be down...and when hes down is when his feelings come out. So tonight I will play the strong role and sees what happens...

Playing the strong role is fine. But the two of you are in pain. Couldn't, maybe just this once, both of you be "weak" and let your guard down? Surrender yourself to each other? Let the emotions flow? The problem with the "strong-weak" routine, is that the one who is 'weak' and vulnerable tries to get stronger for the the 'strong' one. So sometimes, things that the 'weak' one wants to say won't come out, in an effor to be "strong." Case in point, when you told him that you had something important to say, and he made a joke about Jerry Springer. That's your "strong-weak" routine in action. The Strong person is trying to build-up the weak guy...but sometimes, the weak guy just needs to get things off of his chest...not be "built-up." You're both human...you both have emotions. Why must one be stoic while the other emotional? Why can't you both be emotional? You may want to start off "stoic" so that he can be vulnerable...but let your guard down too. The two of you need a good tete-a-tete...

I will remember and miss just playing games and hanging with him and not having to say a word for an hour..we know each other well...I will miss walking with him when he was down and had anxiety and I will miss the drives with him..I will miss talking bout getting houses next door to each other and raising families together..I will miss going to the casinos in vegas and going up to the mountains together alone every night just to think...I will mis him dearly and keep him close in my heart..but I know hes never more than a cheap airline ticket away or a phone call away..I wish everyone could be so lucky as to find someone, a friend or brother like this..I cant imagine my life without him..He saved me and changed me in so very many ways that I dont even know about yet...He always used to tell me "Bri...i think it was fate that we met..we were meant to meet..and to affect and change each others lives.." and I couldnt agree more.

This was beautiful...It brought a tear to my eye...especially that last part about fate. It sums up my beliefs in a nutshell...just replace "fate" with "God" and it's a match. You guys needed each other, and you came into each other's lives. Thanks for sharing...Although I feel bad for you, at the same time I'm happy that you have such a great friendship.

Cheers.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Very minor update...buddy called and said after hes done watching the Superbowl at his fiancee's father's house that he will call me when he gets home and we will go for that drive...so Im hoping he does call and it goes ok tonight...


Here is a song Im listening to now that makes me think of my buddy...talk to you all soon...keep the replies coming...

And now, is it too late to say
How you made my life so different in your quiet way?
I can see the joy in simple things,
A sunlit sky and all the songs we used to sing.

I have walked and I have I prayed.
I could forgive and we could start again.
In the end,
You are my one true friend.

For all, all the times you closed your eyes,
Allowing me to stumble or to be surprised,
By life, with all it’s twists and turns.
I made mistakes, you always knew that I would learn.

And when I left, it’s you who stayed.
You always knew that I’d come home again.
In the end,
You are my one true friend.

Though love may break, it never dies.
It changes shape, through changing eyes.
What I denied, I now can see.
You always were the light inside of me.

I know, I know, I know, I know it was you.

I have walked and I have I prayed.
I could forgive and we could start again.
In the end, you are my one true friend.

My one true friend.
I always, always knew,
I always knew that it was you,
My one true friend.