What the deal?

[s3xiboy]

Hey, i have a question guys.

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a year now. I've noticed the past few months things werent right. He is always pushing me away, never wants to have sex with me, says he'd rather jerk off. And just constantly has mixed feelings.

I asked him about it a month ago. He said that he has no idea what he wants and he just gets mixed feelings. He also said that he is very horny and sometimes he feels guilty because he works at an airport and has to pat down like 2000 guys a day. He told me that it wasnt me at all and that im perfect yadda yadda... so i was like ill stick with him and maybe he'll figure it out over time.

Now a month later, he still has not had sex with me, rarely wants to hang out and just treats me like a friend one minute and then he'll kiss me or call me babe the next.

Again... I asked him about it. I finally got him to say some things. He said that he has absolutely no idea what he wants... and i told him ya know, you need to figure it out cause its not fair to me.

Id do anything for him and i am at his beck and call, why? because i like to be. i like to take care of him. Now I know what you guys are thinking, im prolly too clingy or some shit but im not. i give him his space and i rarely complain about anything.

Another thing is, is that he has done crack before for like a year in the past when he was like 19 which was like 5 years ago. i really think it messed him up. He used to have three somes with this kid and his ex. He broke up with his ex because he wanted to play the field. Also he always has pics of other guys (his friends not porn) dicks on his phone and he like trades them.. i told him it makes me pissed and he was like yah i know im sorry, but thats the only thing i dont like about him.

Which then I came along... now hes telling me that i dont give him the space he needs to explore other people.. he says its not me, just being with someone wont allow him to do that. and one minute hes saying baby... and making a heart out of paper for me, the next he told me that maybe we should see other people.

Then I told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted and when he did to call me and let me know, and i left his house... he was upset i know... but there has been so many days id cry to him, trying to figure out whats wrong and he says that he just needs to figure it out.

Its been like two days and weve talked quick last night telling eachother about our days... i just feel miserable. i love that kid i really do. ive never told him and he hasnt told me, but i dunno... if i didnt i would have told him to get lost awhile ago. please advise guys, i lost here. be totally honest.

 

[Muscles4daze]

Leave him alone man, well at least for the time being until he gets his priorities in order. I think the more you try and be there for him the further he will push away, but if you take two steps back he will take two steps toward you. I know you love him, but in order for him to realize if he feels the same way you need to leave him alone.

 

[puka-pride]

dump him.. my ex was doing the same thing to me till he dumped me for someone else... if he says he needs the space.. give him all the space in the world.. just break up.. if he comes back to you then your golden

just remember.. if he is saying those things.. then that means something happened or someone happened to make him question his feelings for you

 

[Christopherb36]

As hard as it may be, the boys are probably right. Let him figure out just what it is that he wants out of life. It will hurt like hell, but if he makes you a doormat and you wait around for him, you will end up sad and maybe cheated on and that is never good!

Good luck.

 

[Oogleman]

Might sound silly but - does he have erection problems?

When was the last time you saw him hard?

 

[Xavier_Holland]

Erectile dysfunction or not I say ditch him. You can always find someone hotter or someone better. I felt the same way about a boyfriend of mine and later I left him. So I can speak from the other side, and I am going to tell you the direction he's going to continue going in. It's away from you......:\

 

[Swellegant]

Two things in your post raised a red flag for me. Well, actually, the whole post was a red flag, but two bits stood out:

1) The crack issue. I know people who've used crack, and it can cause sexual dysfunction... sex without crack isn't as hot as sex with crack, and some people get so addicted to the cracksex that they simply cannot function sexually without it. It's a sexual addiction mixed in with the drug addiction. Maybe he hasn't used for a year, but has he gotten help for it?

Crack is not a recreational drug in any sense of the word, and you seriously have to have therapy to recover from it.

2) The "sometimes he's so sweet" issue. I wonder, have you ever noticed a pattern to his cutesiness? Has he come all over romantic when he senses you pulling away from him? Does he do it in conjunction with some unexplained absence on his part? Do you think he might have done something to make up to you for that you don't know about yet?

In short, might he be manipulating you? I've had boyfriends like that in the past, they never said "I love you" or kissed me in public unless they knew I was pissed at them and was about to dump their sorry asses.

I'm usually right there with the DTMFA crowd, and would tell you to just go ahead and dump him. The bit with his friends' cocks on his cell-phone is reason enough for me, not even going into the two red flags above. But then, I've been completely single for ten years, so I am not exactly the Healthy Relationship Guru.

Bottom line: love is great, but love isn't worth the heartache of loving a fuckup. It's better to spend your life alone than in the company of an asshole. If you think your relationship is headed in that direction, I suggest you seek greener pastures, unencumbered by the baggage the one you have now is carrying; if, however, you come to believe (based on hard factual evidence, not on desire, mind you) that he is redeemable, then maybe you should stick it out for a while.

Just make sure he's doing something about his problems, not just stringing you along with platitudes. And also make an effort to be what he needs you to be... you're the only one posting here, we don't know what the relationship looks like from his side, so make sure your side of the street is clean, too.

 

[justsimon]

Does he have a mood disorder?

 

[GL]

I believe you need to move on. Whatever his faults may be, he has come to view you as a convenience rather than a partner. And by that I mean that he leans on you when it suits him and leaves you to your own devices. To me it all appears rather one sided and I doubt this is a healthy thing for you.

 

[teh_nathan]

I really really don't like the sound of the trading other friends' dick pics via phone thing.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of wanting such pics from my friends.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Advice?

Dump him.

If the guy needs time and space to figure it all, cool. Do you want to sit and wait, to see, if and when, he comes up with an answer? Would that answer really include you, too. Have you got all that time and energy to waste?

I guess, not.

If my partner opens up and says, 'look, I have got this problem. I need help. I want to get this sorted out. You are my partner and you're here to help me.'

In that case, I'd do anything and everything conceivable to help the dude out.

If, he does not know, needs to figure it out and all,... I am gone.

SC

 

[slobone]

In his mind, he's already moved on. I think you just need to act under that assumption and don't try to hold on to him.

I wouldn't take the hearts and flowers too seriously. He may still have feelings for you, or he may just feel guilty for how much he's hurting you. But if you haven't had sex for a month, he's trading dic pics with other guys, he wants to explore other people, etc. I think the message is pretty clear.

I must say, though, that the "I feel so guilty because I get horny patting down 2000 guys a day" line is a new one on me. Food for thought next time I go through airport security....

 

[teh_nathan]

I go with SilverRRCloud's answer any day of the week. Excellent answer.

 

[sparky95]

I say dump him too! I suspect he wants to play the field but is keeping you as emotional "insurance". You could be strung along like that for years if you are not careful. If he won't open up about his problems and is keeping you at an arm's length all the time you are better off finding some one better! Good luck with it all!