What To Do About College Roommates?

[Moi10]

i personally was upfront about it with my roomies, i said "i want to tell you this now so there is no 'weirdness' when we live together, etc . etc. - I'm Gay."

and they were pretty cool about it.

understand that most Freshmen know that they will be challenged in some way or form and most likely have an open mind going to school.

 

[luminum]

If yout ell him, it will let him know not to bother you about it and that you're not going to take any crap from him about it. It might also allow him to ask you questions that will broaden his horizons. A lot of good came come out of it, and if he never takes it up, then you can have a good time knowing that he always had the chance to better himself and never did.

 

[DiverDude]

I didn't tell my roommate because he was soooo anti-homo Christian. When I finally told him I was gay at the very end of the semester, he started reading scripture to me. I left that night.

...when I finally got back, he told me that it was a good idea to not come back the following semester (we were supposed to live together again).

Some people (especially conservatives) can be extremely close minded (I'm a conservative).

As for what to do, I'm on the fence for this one. Sorry I can't be of much more help, other than telling my story.

 

[blueboi05]

I didn't tell my roommate because he was soooo anti-homo Christian. When I finally told him I was gay at the very end of the semester, he started reading scripture to me.

Lol, i can picture it now...

My advice on ths subject would be, if you want them to be close friends...then tell them now.

 

[Lube]

Think about it this way. Did he ask himself, "Should I tell my roommate that I'm a conservative Lacrosse-playing asshole?"

No. So why should you have to make excuses for him? Tell him who you are. Make no excuses, and let him know you are not embarassed or scared about it.

You every right to be a gay as he does to be a conservative jerk.

 

[runner]

Would you tell him if you were heterosexual?

 

[Lefty]

excellent response runner.

if you don't plan putting moves on the guy, preferences are personal information and sorm rules and regs don't require you to divulge that kind of information.

why open a can of worms before you're going fishing?

 

[jockboy01]

I'm split. It depends on how weird it will be for you. If you're fine with not telling him, I wouldn't. If that would be an issue for you, I'd say get it out in the open to begin with.

 

[Lube]

Would you tell him if you were heterosexual?

If you don't talk to your college roommate about girls, there is pretty much an assumption that you're not interested. At which point your roommate has the power, because he knows you're unwilling to just come right out and say it. So he knows you're scared/afraid of it/yourself.

That can only be a bad thing.

I don't buy the whole "it's nobody's business but your own". That's certainly true in an absolute sense, but in a practical sense, someone as close as your college roommate is gonna figure it out.

 

[Blizzard0119]

My Freshmen year, last year, I was talking to my roomie one night the first week of orientation and we talked about his girlfriend and such and I told him I was still a virgin and he said he was to. Along the way I told him, a bold streak, that I was sort of wanting to experiment with another guy. It was quiet but he said that is alright with him and I asked if he ever wanted to do anything with another guy. He was cool all throughout, though we never did anything. I should add he was liberal, nothing against him but we did differ on that standing.

I suppose the short of it is, get talking one night, feel out the situation and tell him. I know yours and my situation are not the same but I think you will have a better time on campus if you don't have to think about your roomie. Although I did have a friend who didn't tell his roomies and he was fine and they didn't even know until he moved out. I guess both ways work but I would say create a situation where you can see how he would react.

Hope it all works out for the best.

 

[slobone]

When it's a roommate, I say you have to tell. Otherwise, as Moi10 says, things will get weird in a hurry.

He may look conservative, but hey -- this is Boston. One of the most liberal cities in the country. You might be surprised by his attitude. Anyway, if he has a problem with it, one of you can move out. Better find out sooner than later.

 

[slobone]

Wow you guys, your sort of help the situation but then again making it that much more uneasing. I mean, I'm not embarassed to be myself, but it's really that kind of feeling that it's already going to be a tough time living with the airhead without this added into the mix.

But, it's gonna get added into the mix within the first couple of weeks anyways, should I just tell him before we get there, tell as soon as we move in, or let it get around to him (I mean, it's really none of his damn business, just like his girlfriend is none of mine)?

Guys, this is so damn hard, especially since they put me on this all-guys floor...I knows life's gonna be tough, but I don't need nor want to be singled out during the first week, atleast let me get through orientation.

It's 2006. These guys may have a better attitude than you think. When you tell him, just don't make it sound like a big confession. It's not something you're ashamed of. In fact, try to sound casual if you can manage it.

"I just thought I'd tell you right up front that I'm gay, in case that's going to bother you. [Of course he's going to say that it won't]. Good. I just believe in being honest with people, because it saves problems later on."

Then if he wants to know more details, that's a good sign. It means he accepts it.

Once you've told him, you don't need to bring it up again unless he does.

As for the other guys on the corridor, I wouldn't worry about them too much.

And just keep in mind -- people are always interested and inquisitive about other people's sex lives. They for sure will want to know about yours. So your only real choices are 1) come out, 2) pretend to be interested in girls, or 3) keep avoiding the subject. Which one sounds like the least hassle?

As for when to tell, well maybe not the first day or the first week. But don't let a month go by or it will only get harder to do.

 

[Lefty]

IMHO, if the topic comes up then you tell. if it doesn't come up then its' not an issue...course being a native californian and growng up in the san fran bay during the beatle /rolling stones days could possibly have picked up some chemical brain damage or at least too much sun.

 

[bluedragon4]

Be careful!! I have seen people go violent over someone being gay. I had a single in college but my dorm mates found out i was gay and carved fag into my door. people are not as open minded as people on here wish they were. I believe in being out 100% but if you fear for your safty don't tell him. find out who he is first and who his friends are. wait a couple weeks or months to tell him.not trying to scare you but i found the most homophobia when i was in college. couldn't believe kids my age were so evil about it.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Its a tough situation. I agree with both sides of advice here. Unfortunately, you are the only one who knows the guy better than we do. Ultimately, you must decide which course to take that you feel would be best for this particular roommate situation.

If you plan to have gay friends or even other guys over for.. mutual relation visits, I would definately tell him. If you plan to be and act like a celibate unich, you may not have a reason to tell him.

But if he is the type to start making homophobic remarks in the room and to you in conversation, DO tell him. You shouldn't have to go through psychological abuse just to spare his feelings.

 

[Soilwork]

Why is it always the GAY guy who has to hide who he is to protect the feelings of the assholes?

If he's so conservative, he should be afraid you're going to find out and make life tough for him... HE's the one with the problem... not you.

OK, maybe that's a bit harsh.

But you dont' need to tell him, exactly... just start acting like he always knew. Let him deal with it in his own way, but NEVER show him any weakness and dont' think that you're the one with the problem.

I mean, if he's the conservative one, he's going to be MUCH more of an outcast in just about any college, so he's going to have to get used to it.

 

[Eagle653]

My freshman roommate was a conservative-from-hell. In fact, he came from Rush Limbaugh's home town and made him seem liberal.

Anyway, I like the idea of talking and talking and talking. At some point, you will find that he's worth the effort to really know you, or he isn't. I wouldn't feel a need to divulge everything about you in one sitting, or immediately.

Secondly, every school/dorm has procedures to switch roommates if you're totally incompatible. They don't advertise it, but policies and procedures exist. Investigate what those are. If he's making you very uncomfortable with his straightness, you have a right to seek a change.

 

[thegreenfury]

i dont post much around here (unless i'm looking for porn, heh) but i do read this section of the forums just in case i have some nugget of wisdom to dispence. usually the regulars seem to say exactly what i would say and i see no point in being redundant, but, though i have no advice as i dont know your "'bama boy," i do have a roomate story and you asked for roomate stories.

i was 17 or 18 (22 now) and i was going to Governor's School, which is basically an artsy fartsy intellectual summer camp. i had never lived away from home and i had never had a roomate. I had been out for two years by then so i had no problem telling people i was gay and i took the direct approach. i told my roomate the first day we were there. he was a a conservative southerner there to study math and i was a liberal southerner there to study theatre but i told him all the same. he was a little uncomfortable at first, but was never malicious.

about a week later he tells me he wants to change rooms and i was a little hurt, but it was his prerogative. well, because Governor's School is "progresive" and such they didnt allow the switch. the students were there to expand their horizons not run away from things they arent used to. I thought this would create tension, but he was perfectly polite the whole term. he said that he had told his parents i was gay and that his mother pushed him to switch rooms. i dont know whether or not that was true, but, when it came time to move out, his mother was especially cold to me. strangly enough his father was really nice and i made sure to hold every door, lift every heavy box, and be as polite as possilbe to mom the whole time. i saw no reason to give her any ammunition to use against me.

we were never close friends, as i hoped my roomate and myself could be, but everything worked out fine in the end. best of luck to you and keep us filled in on how it goes!

 

[DarkNeko]

I never told my Freshmen roommate I was gay. He was the kind that freaked out easily and I think it would have made living together difficult if I had come out to him.

 

[Roland00]

I would go for it, he sounds like my Freshmen roommate. He was a jock, but deep down he was very accepting and cool