17 years married, want to come out

[NeTyme]

Well, hey guys! To say that this thread is hard on me to write is an understatement! I discovered this forum recently and have spent some time reading it, but only now have gotten up the courage to post, so please "bear" with me (hehe)!

Let's see, first of all, I've been married to a woman for 17+ years. We met in high school, started dating, and married in our 2nd year of college. Unfortunately for her, I've been gay most of my life, and am only now coming to terms with it. I can remember as far back as 1st grade, wanting to sit next to (what I determined) to be the hunkiest guy in the class. Later, in Jr. High and High School, I came to terms with my sexuality, and realized that, hey, I am attracted to dudes.

The whole time, though, I dated girls. I was raised in a very fire & brimstone church (Pentecostal) in the Southern states, and even though I didn't actively think of myself as a "sinner", I still shunned way from gay thoughts and actions. During my senior year of high school (while I was dating my future wife), I had my first gay encounter. He was 19, I was 16. We spent the night together and it was amazing. Mostly just cuddling, but we did a few other things, and to this day it sticks with me.

About 2 years later, I married my then current girlfriend and we've been together ever since. She loves me dearly, and doesn't suspect (at least to my knowledge) anything. I've been going along just fine, having hetero sex, and I guess suppressing my homosexual tenancies, until recently.

Basically, my attraction to males has gotten to strong to ignore. For years I'd make remarks to myself in that fashion. For instance, thinking the male leads of True Blood were WAY more attractive than the female leads. Thinking for years that female bodies weren't as attractive as male (for instance, I've always hated large breasts on women, and LOVE beards on dudes). Browsing the "daddies" forum here, I realize that this is what I'm attracted to as a 37 year old guy. Holy FUCK do guys with goatees and beards, with hairy chests and tubby stomachs do it for me!!!!

My condundrum is this: What do I do? My wife loves me dearly, and I simply don't know how to say "I'm gay." to her. It would most certainly end my life as I know it, but I'm simply not happy with how I am now. I want to say "This is me! This is who I am!" but am afraid to.

Your thoughts, please. And thank you for this forum.

Nate

 

[Just_Believe18]

Hi, Nate. Thank you for coming onto this board. You will be receiving a lot of great advice from other guys on this board that have gone through an identical situation.

Do you have any children? That can further help others give you some good advice here when it comes to transitioning to your true sexuality. Can you also provide more details about your parents, siblings, continued church affiliation, etc?

 

[bankside]

That could have been my life. Fortunately we broke up in second-year university. I did care for her but as a young man I failed to appreciate what was missing. The fact was, it would not have worked for me. And whether she knew it or not, it wouldn't have worked for her. Because no matter how bright a face I put on it, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how determined I was to be the right guy for her, the right guy for her would have to be a straight guy.

So it was 20 years ago I think. We haven't kept in touch for 19 of those years. But both of us are free and that is not a hardship or selfishness, but a gift.

It can be a heartbreaking sorrow to find out a relationship is not possible when you thought it was. But the anaesthesia of a dishonest incomplete relationship where secrets take the place of understanding is far worse.

Even if she never takes the opportunity, she deserves the chance to find happiness with a straight man. Only you can give her the opportunity to find him.

 

[HunterM]

My condundrum is this: What do I do? My wife loves me dearly, and I simply don't know how to say "I'm gay." to her. It would most certainly end my life as I know it, but I'm simply not happy with how I am now. I want to say "This is me! This is who I am!" but am afraid to.

I have never been married. I don't have children. So I can't give you advice from personal experience.

You are afraid to live your authentic self. You have to face your fears. Start listing all your fears (emotionally and financially). Look for ways to resolve those fears. It's like a fire drill. If there is a fire, what are the escape routes in the building? Once you have an plan on how to deal with your fears, I think it will calm you down.

List all the benefits of coming out as well.

There are Middle Eastern and African countries where being gay is punishable by death. In those situations, people should not come out. If they want to live their authentic self and be happy, they should find ways to get out of their countries, leaving their families and friends...and start a new life with new friends and families.

Only you know the cost and benefits of your own coming out.

 

[NeTyme]

Thanks for the input, everyone. It means a lot to me to get this off my chest.

Just_Believe, to answer your questions, first off the good news is, we don't have any kids. My parents divorced many years ago, but I'm still close to both of them. They would take the news that I'm gay fairly badly. Especially my dad. He's very old school and was raised very strictly. My mother I guess would come around ok, but I'm afraid it would very much damage my relationship with my father. Honestly, though, I could handle that. It's my wife that's the problem.

As for current religious affiliation, I have none.

The problem with this is how to do it. How do you sit the person down that has loved you and cared for you for 20 years and tell them you are unhappy because you can't live your life like you want to?

 

[SimplyRed]

It's best that you sit down and have a conversation with her sonner than for her to hear it any other way, like from the person you are sleeping with/dating. It just wouldn't sound the same and she would feel disgusted.

 

[Elwood]

Hey there welcome to JUB, First of all you are not alone. There are several guys here on JUB (including myself) who were married to a woman and have now come out as gay and their life did not end. As for myself I came out 9 years ago when I was 38 and I have two kids. I get along pretty well (most of the time with me ex) and my kids have no problem having a gay dad. I think until we come out we imagine all this fire and brimstone and we think that everyone is going to take the news in the worst possible way. I did not tell my kids right away because when I got divorced the kids were only 5 years old, so for three years I stressed over telling my kids and imagined the worst, and when I finally told them is was so un-eventful I had to laugh at myself for stressing out for 3 years about it.

As for my wife, I did not tell her right away either, our relationship had not been going well for a few years before I left and even if I was not gay we would have split up. I told her, actually she sort of figured out on her on own about a year later and out right asked me if I was gay and I said yes. Again I was expecting the worst and it was a non event. No one can predict or tell you how things are going to go for you, when you decide to come out, but it probably will not be as bad as you are imagining it.

Feel free to ask me anything you want you can PM me if you wish.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm hesitant to say anything, because I have no experience in any situation even remotely similar to this. However, what I imagine I would do is, I'd sit her down, and start by saying that whatever else she hears from you tonight, you really love her dearly, and care for her.

Sexuality is not black or white. There are so many in-betweens. You are gay because you PREFER other men, not because you are ONLY interested in other men. You might have been untrue to yourself, but you have not been living a lie with her. You care about her, and you have been attracted to her, and I assume still are. You need to convey all that to her.

One thing though, and this one is a question from me to you: What do YOU want to happen? Do you want to leave her and pursue your true self? Do you want to stay with her but maybe do some exploration on the side? Or is it something else that you imagine would happen? I am not judging either way, but in order to receive proper advice, we need to know what you actually hope to achieve.

 

[shastamc24]

Agreed. Remember though, if you are planning on exploring your same sex attraction more, you need to tell her first, as hard as that might be. I've read a few posts on here about guys that are married sleeping with men on the side. Regardless of your attraction, that is still cheating and could be incredibly painful for her. It is still wrong, even if you are not as attracted to women (anymore?) Be calm, and think out what you are going to say, and do it. You are saving her heartache in the long run if you do indeed plan on coming out.

 

[backpacker]

Look at it this way, is it fair to her to have a partner that can't love her the way a partner should? I know you love her, but it's not the same desire that a partner should have for their mate. Undoubtedly she knows something isn't right with the relationship. From your posting, it appears more like a question of when you tell her rather than an if you tell her. You may decide to stay together, maybe have an open relationship or to break up. If nothing else, she deserves to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision.

 

[NeTyme]

You are exactly right, backpacker, it's not a matter of "if" but when. We've been having other marital troubles for years now, starting with her having deep depression, which I helped her through for almost a decade before she conquered it, but it definitely took a toll on me. We don't exactly match in a lot of categories, but we do still have fun doing stuff together. We're major foodies for example, and both love to travel.

That being said, we still don't get along much of late (last year or so), especially in the romance department. Of course, I know this is caused by shift away from being just content sexually with a woman, to really wanting to be fulfilled by being with a man. I will definitely tell her, though, it's just me working up my courage to make such a major life decision. I know I don't have to come out to everyone at once, and certainly won't, but I think I will let her know. I know I could just divorce her and not say for what reason, but since she's so close to me I feel like I should. Maybe that's the wrong call, but it doesn't feel like it. She's a very tolerant person and is always cheering on LGBT news (gay marriage, etc.).

Some of you have mentioned me cheating on her and to avoid that, let me just say that I'm the kind of person who would never do that to someone I cared for. I may not love her the way she loves me, but that certainly doesn't mean I'm going to go behind her back. I'll be well divorced and single before even thinking about a relationship!

Thanks again for all the help and kind words, they really mean a lot. I was nervous about posting her, but now I see it wasn't a mistake at all. I'll keep everyone apprised of developments, though they might be slow in coming, as I'm a giant Nancy who needs to work his nerve up!

 

[HunterM]

I know I could just divorce her and not say for what reason, but since she's so close to me I feel like I should.

You are right. You should tell her. Otherwise, she may blame herself alone for causing the marriage to fail. Her depression may re-occur.

Good luck man!

 

[chance1]

If she has no idea, it will not be easy for her

She will not understand - for now - perhaps later

Not having kids makes it less complex - the reality is only the two of your lives will never be the same

She will probably feel betrayed

The fact that you have not cheated is a testament to you - in all of this craziness you have not been unfaithful with another

The sooner you come clean, the sooner the two of you can move on with the next phase of your life - and there is no reason why it can't be great - for her to find another man as she's still young and for you to explore your true calling sexually

good luck and keep us posted

it might make sense to go online and google this - i have to believe there are therapists who advise on how to address this - setting/timing - things to look for and avoid

all the best

 

[evanrick]

nothing wrong with wanting a happier life. i wonder how long my gay friends marriages will last even before they get married. that is a lot of stuff to put yourself through when you think about it.