Ok so I am 24 year old asian virgin and in the closet. I'm a typical dude, I have known i was gay for quite some time. I'm unsure as what to do. I'm not ready to come out yet and haven't even told anyone. I want to meet some guys and just really take it slow. Is this wrong for me to want to kinda slowly integrate it into my life. I don't have any gay friends, but would like some and don't want to go out to the bars. Anyone have any ideas or advice on what i can do? I'm not looking for a hookup to get it over with i just want to meet and talk to some guys and just have those friends.
OK, well, you have told someone you're gay. You've told us all. No that may not be as scary as telling your friends but think of it this way, thousands of guys already know. I think that you are ready to come out, you're at the door, you know who you are, you know who you want, the next step you're already contemplating. Good for you, you're already farther along then a lot of the guys in here.
So, some moral support. Yes you can go slow. But you may find, like I did, that once you start, you feel so much better, that you want to get it all over with. When I finally decided, I said the same thing to myself, that I was going to go slow. Two weeks later I'd told everyone I knew and a whole lot of people I didn't - just because it felt so incredibly emancipating to let that burden go.
That said, coming out will not solve all your problems, it's a process, the telling people is the turning point, but we usually need some more time to work out all the cerebral closet detritus left in our heads. Expect that, it's normal, you'll deal. Just remember, we none of us get any younger, and you don't want to waste any more valuable youth on the closet. Start now. There's nothing sadder than the regrets of a 60 year old closet case, about lifetime he was too afraid to live.
When you get discouraged, when you stall, remember that. You only get one shot at youth. You can spend that alone in the dark, or you can get out there and find some sunshine.
On to guys.
So what is it you mean when you say "
meet some guys," are you looking for permanent, or are you just looking to date around a bit and get your feet wet?
Some blunt advice. You aren't in a position to sustain a long term relationship. You still have your own issues that are pretty limiting, and it would be unfair to ask someone else to deal with that.
In fact I suspect you'll find that there aren't that many well balanced, out gay men who will commit to someone in the closet. It's a deal killer for me, and every gay man I know. I hope you understand why that is.
So what do you do. Well, unlike a lot of guys in here, I say go find yourself some experience, get some road under your feet. I personally do not find anything magical about the "
first time." Frankly they're awkward far more often than they are magical expressions of two souls flying together to paradise.
When you find a guy who makes your dick hard, who's also into you, I say go for it. Condoms, lube, caution. There's nothing that says you can't have a good time looking for Romeo.
If you're the type of guy who thinks your first time absolutely must be love of the pure driven snow variety - well, I suspect you've got a long frustrating wait in front of you.
Also, get off the internet. The net is good for hook ups - so long as you go into that with reasonable expectations of what you're going to find. But you can't date through chat, or text, or facebook - these things are crutches that have been the cause of plenty of needless drama in a whole lot of guys who come in here.
I am a firm believer that in order to hone the social skills and dating etiquette - not to mention the confidence necessary to make you a good prospect, you have to interact with people face to face, in real time. All of those things take practice - in person is how you get it. Text does not teach you to keep up your end of the conversation.
Often in here we see guys who are completely consumed with the attributes of the other guy, how great he is, how hot, how nice, etc. and that's understandable, but you can't forget how good a prospect you present of yourself if you want to be consistently successful.
Spend some time working on yourself. Whatever that means to you. Some guys work out, some get educated, some spend a lot of time on their appearance. How you present yourself is extremely important to the kind and quality of guys you will attract.
There's nothing wrong with going to bars, or clubs, or theater groups, or charities, political orgs, soccer teams, book clubs, or any of the thousand and one things that gay men do together.
About friends.
Find your friends where ever you can, however if you want gay friends, it's best to go where gay men congregate. It's probably a lot easier for a novice to build up confidence in a scenario where the group has a common interest as a focus; than it would be for you to jump into the club scene. Although that can definitely be done as well, it's pretty much how I found my gay peers.
I am also a believer that a gay guy needs gay friends. Not exclusively gay friends, but a least a few to understand, and support you - in a way no straight person ever could.
