3 Problems, 1 Post.

[the-faint]

Feel free to read/comment on just one, two, all, or even none of them. Simply reading it helps tremendously. Beware, this could possibly be a long/rant post. I’m stating now before I write anything, my thoughts are confused and mixed on any/all of these situations, so I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this but, alas, here goes nothing.


Problem 1 - The Relationship

Don’t get me wrong right off the bat, I love the relationship that I’m in with him, there are only a few minor things I wish could be different. But more on that later, just for a little history. We’re both in the closet, I know that’s never a good beginning, and we both come from almost extreme conservative families, I’ve never met his family personally, but the way he talks about them I can’t help but to think they’d completely disown him. To be honest we don’t get to see each other as often as we would like to. He lives about 45-50 minutes away from me and has a pretty busy schedule, we text frequently, and I try and go see him once a week. (Due to some mishaps he doesn’t have a driver’s license, so I have to drive over and see him, which by no means am I complaining at all, it helps me escape the little world I’m in and I love going to see him.) I’m also confused a lot about our relationship, we’ve never had the whole, “Will you be my boyfriend” conversation. I guess it’s more understood that we are in a relationship? I’m not certain but he’s the first person I’ve ever said, I love you, to and at first I was scared of saying it, but now I full-heartedly believe I love him. I’m not sure how he considers our relationship, it seems to be a bit of a touchy subject with him, and I’m not the most confident person when it comes to bringing up new topics to talk about. But anyways.

I guess what it comes down to is we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like to and that’s about to get worse. I’m moving 300 miles away in late August to start school which I fear will only make matters harder on me. He’s talked about me moving down there and completely forgetting about him and falling for some dude down there, but honestly that’s not what I want at all. So I’ve thought to myself possible ways we could maybe work it out? But then again sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want it to last that long? I don’t know, I know I need to ask him but I’m afraid of the subject and answer, I suppose I need to man up and do it but... I don’t know.

I get to fly for free so a quick trip back up here is no problem at all, which I think would greatly ease the tension, but I’ve also considered asking him if he wants to be in an open long distance relationship. It’s mainly purely for his sake, I feel I have something to look forward to when seeing him, so I would never want to jeopardize that by any means, I just feel it’s more fair to him. So by that I would have no intention of actually participating in the open part of an open-relationship, I just don’t want him to feel confined by any means.

I feel we really connect on a deep deep level, both with our backgrounds and our interests especially. He’s related his background to the movie “Prayers with Bobby” and told me I should watch it cause it really got him thinking, and I did. I related pretty strongly as well, we both fear the same outcome from our families. After he watched it he sent me a ton of texts (I could tell he was emotionally distressed) about how confused he was about his feelings and me being male. I tried to be a rock solid foundation for him and told him he could confide in me anytime, I tried to help him cope with some of his issues and told him he was not alone in any of those feelings, as I have felt them all before, and in fact still feel some of them. I just felt it was a really deep moment between the two of us and made me feel stronger about him as a person. I’m not sure what that entails but I really enjoy him as a person.

Problem 2 - Failing Him/The Sex

I constantly feel that I’m failing him, I’m not giving him what he wants/needs/enjoys. I realize now I could probably turn this list of 3 problems into 30 without even thinking about it so I’ll try and keep them brief. He constantly tells me he feels really lucky, which makes me happy, but also makes me feel guilty, for all the things I’m not doing that I should be doing for him. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me because of how many times he’s messed up before. I don’t want to reveal anything too personal but yes he’s been to jail, but I honestly don’t even consider that when I look at him as a whole. I’ve told him everyone messes up and shit happens, and by no means am I able to judge him for his actions. I told him I’ve had a past I’m not so proud of either. I’m not sure how I should go about making him believe he does deserve me, cause quite frankly I don’t feel like I deserve him. I know it’s just a saying, “Oh I don’t deserve you, you’re too good to me”, and sometimes he means it that way, but others I feel like he really means it in a different way, does that make sense? I feel insecure about our “relationship” because I feel like he might desert the entire situation that is us because of how he feels. That’s the last thing I want, I want him to want me, and to know that I really want him, but it seems like I’m failing to do so. There’s more on this issue in the next problem, I’m just not sure where this all fits in, like I said this is a huge mess of feelings/thoughts. I’m not sure where one begins and the other ends.

The Sex. Don’t get me wrong right off the bat here either, I’ve never had better sex with anyone. There’s no words to express how good it feels to be with him, how really fucking amazing he is. Last weekend we were at a park at like 2 in the morning and things got heated on a park bench, we were just making out, but that alone blew away the sex I’ve had with any other guys. (No I wasn’t thinking about this when I we were going at it, it’s something I came to realization after the night was over.) I get such a huge sense of euphoria around him, and a feeling of pure ecstasy when we have sex, I truly can say he’s the best I’ve ever had.

However, I’ve always considered myself versatile even though all I have done is bottom. I want to try topping and he wants to let me try too, in fact he seems to feel obligated to, but at the same time seems pretty interested in it. (He’s never bottomed before) Excuse my language but I really want to fuck him really fucking bad! Never have I had such an urge to fuck something before. I’ll try not to get started on that ass, but honestly, THAT ASS! However I don’t know what the problem is, but right after I put on the condom I lose all sense of hardness and go completely soft, and I have no idea why. I want to give it to him so bad, and I feel like I’m failing not only him, but myself as a man. I’m 18, I should have no problems with getting the little fucker up! We’ve tried 2 times now and have been met with the exact same results, I’m rock solid until it comes to the point where it’s my turn to be on top. I feel like I’m failing as a man, and failing him because I can’t give him what he wants/deserves. I feel guilty and I feel like I kill the mood for both of us, it stirs up so many thoughts about the situation when it happens. Everything from, “Wow he must think I’m a joke”, “I hope he doesn’t think it’s him, cause damn he’s so fucking hot”, “Why me? Why fucking me?”, “Get up you little fucker!”, “I just want this for the both of us”, etc. He once made a face after I couldn’t get it up that absolutely destroyed me, I felt like I was the biggest disappointment on the face of the earth. I don’t know if it’s performance anxiety or what, I mean I don’t want him thinking it’s his fault, cause in reality it’s all my fault. In front of me lies this gorgeous man and I’m the one that can’t get up? I feel absolutely pathetic.

Problem 3 - Self Identity

My whole problem with self identity stems from the fact that I fear I’m never being “a man” about situations. I’m not sure how to phrase it correctly, but ever since I was little I’ve never felt like I was man enough. And because of this mind set I feel like I miss out on a lot of real things, and I feel like I’m always second guessing everything I do. I fear what I may be doing is “girly”. ( I mean no disrespect to women when I say this.) This was only encouraged in problem 2 when I couldn’t get it up, I felt like such a failure as a man. I’m self-conscious about my body, I feel I’m too skinny, that my arms aren’t “man enough”. blah blah, the list goes on. And then it backfires on me yet again when I think, ehh it’s not manly to think of your body that way.

I have no idea where I’m going with this to be honest, I’m still confused, and even lost within myself when I think this way. I feel like I’m proud of who I am, but at the same time there’s no way I can if I have all these feelings of insecurity and how I feel. I don’t want to feel like such a girl in situations, I feel like I act before I think, and once I think and look back on the situation I acted like such a girl. For instance one time I was leaving his apartment, and I found it extremely hard to say goodbye, he mentioned something and it almost brought me to tears, but I held them back because I didn’t want to seem like “a girl” and what my expectations were and how I felt were so “girly”.

I’m confused, though that’s pretty apparent by this post. Thank you for taking the time to read any, or maybe even all, of my post. It’s all greatly appreciated it and any comments or advice you may have, well I wouldn’t have enough words to thank you.

(Oh and if there’s any chance you read this, ask me straight up and I’ll tell you I did, also, know that I love you, and I by no means am trying to expose you, I just felt like I needed some help with me. And again, I love you.)

 

[G-Lexington]

Lots to wade through here, so allow me to cherry-pick, and do so out of order.

Re: being a "man". I honestly can't recall my father ever talking about "being a man" to me, but still, it was instilled in me. Thankfully, I think the definition I got was different from the one you got. I was never taught that showing weakness was wrong (although my father did find it difficult to do). I was never taught that being gay was "girly". To me, "be a man" meant "be an adult". Try to do the right thing. When you screw up, own up and try to make things right. Be proud of who you are, and accept your faults. And go out there and kick ass. Something I've tried to do all my life.

As you're discovering, falling for someone means dropping the shield. Letting him see what's behind that false proud front, and seeing the quivering gelatinous underbelly. And yeah, it's fucking scary. Because there's no guarantee that he metaphorically draw a dagger and stick it in there. Will he laugh at your tears? Will he make fun of the fact that you actually like Celine Dion?

This is why relationships are so risky. And why they're so rewarding. Because if he doesn't laugh, if he doesn't run away from your underbelly, it's immensely gratifying. Because it means somebody likes you for you. Not the "you" that you project to the world, but the actual you who feels like crying during thunderstorms, and still likes peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and enjoying being dominated sexually. It's a scary step, but it's a necessary one if the relationship is going to happen.

The sex. You say you've never topped before, so this could be a bunch of things. My guess - and that's all it is - is that you've got performance anxiety, along with "stepping outside your comfort zone". Until this time, sex has meant either jerking off or sticking your ass in the air. Now you're trying to do something different, and your body and brain might just not be in synch.

What to do? For starters, easy stuff. Lie on your back, have him lie on top of you, and make out until you think you're ready. Then, have him condom and lube you up, and let him ride you. Keep staring at him, and enjoy the sight.

"Failing" him. You're not. He's simply insecure. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much you show it, you can't convince him of it if he refuses to be convinced. You can't do any more than simply reassure him that yes, you love him.

Moving. This is going to be tough. I've known LTRs to work. I've even known some closeted relationships to work (temporarily). But I've never known of a closeted LTR. And going to school WILL put a damper on the relationship. Not an intentional one, mind you. But you'll have new classes and new friends, and new things competing for your time. You simply won't have as much time to devote to this guy. You can certainly stay in touch, text all the time, fly home once a month to have sex, whatever. But I'd urge you to keep your options open. Consider coming out once you're at school - at least to the people there. Because, in general, life actually gets easier once you're out. You don't have to deal with the sneaking around, the lies, the pronoun games, the who-knows-what, the who-can-I-trust, the please-don't-tell. You can just...live, y'know?

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Ok, since Lex didn't say it...

Tell him.

Not us.

Him.

You've given a lot of information in your post but ultimately it boils down to two troubled guys who are in love but don't have the wherewithall to have an honest discussion about their relationship.

I love the relationship that I’m in with him...

..I love going to see him...

...I’m not certain but he’s the first person I’ve ever said, I love you, to and at first I was scared of saying it, but now I full-heartedly believe I love him. I’m not sure how he considers our relationship, it seems to be a bit of a touchy subject with him...

Some things for you to think about:

1. What do you want?
2. What is it going to take for the two of you to have a honest "state of our relationship" talk and make some decisions?
3. You've talked alot about how you feel but there's a lot of vagueness to how he feels. Have you asked him how he feels?
4. You also talked about his troubled past. Or is it his troubled present? And is there a component of you coming to his rescue? Are you sure you're not falling into a parent role here instead of being in a relationship with an adult and an equal?

 

[G-Lexington]

I like to leave that one to you once in a while.

Lex

 

[the-faint]

...I was never taught that showing weakness was wrong (although my father did find it difficult to do). I was never taught that being gay was "girly". To me, "be a man" meant "be an adult". Try to do the right thing. When you screw up, own up and try to make things right. Be proud of who you are, and accept your faults. And go out there and kick ass...

I whole-heartedly agree with you, I was never directly taught that either, but I grew up and was put in a private christian school for 7 years, I was instilled with the whole "man love only woman!" cave-man attitude and all that was portrayed were the man being the stern, cement filled beings. I know I need to grow out of this, like I said, I'm proud of who I am, I just don't know how to cope with certain things yet. I've practically self-diagnosed myself with anxiety many many times now, yet I refuse to put a label on my problems, cause I feel I'm better than that. I've always shared your view of being a man in the sense of owning up to your own actions, and I do nothing but that, if I'm the one to cause a problem I'm the one to take responsibility and fix it. (Again I don't know where I'm heading with this reply.)

What to do? For starters, easy stuff. Lie on your back, have him lie on top of you, and make out until you think you're ready. Then, have him condom and lube you up, and let him ride you. Keep staring at him, and enjoy the sight.

We've tried this many of times, (I guess when I said we've only tried it twice was sort of a lie, we've attempted it more than that, it just was less of the actual trying and more of I already feel guilty cause I know I'm not going to be able to do this mindset.) It just seems everytime that condom gets put on I automatically get limp and can never return to the same hardness I had before the condom was ever put on. I almost feel like when the condom is on, I don't have a dick, I don't feel it at all, or that it's suffocating.

...But I'd urge you to keep your options open. Consider coming out once you're at school - at least to the people there. Because, in general, life actually gets easier once you're out. You don't have to deal with the sneaking around, the lies, the pronoun games, the who-knows-what, the who-can-I-trust, the please-don't-tell. You can just...live, y'know? ...

I've considered this many a times, in fact, when I was there for orientation I almost went to the schedule GLBTQ community meetings, however I chickened out, as I felt I just wasn't the type of person to be going to those meetings. I want people to view me, not my sexuality. I don't feel my sexuality defines me as a person, it's just another factor that makes me, me. I'm just not one to wear my sexuality on my sleeve like many others. I've told two of my friends who are going to the same uni I am, but I've never told them my extent of my relationship with this guy. I've mentioned him here and there, but that's usually where it ends.

Lex

Thanks again for replying, your comments help tremendously and I will continue to read and re-read over them.

You've given a lot of information in your post but ultimately it boils down to two troubled guys who are in love but don't have the wherewithall to have an honest discussion about their relationship.

I agree to an extent, I'm not the most outgoing person, however I can already understand what you're saying, and I know I need to talk to him about it, it just seems like an unspoken thing between us. I'm not sure how to describe it. And a part of me is honestly afraid to have this discussion with him, I'm not sure why, I just fear the worst.

Some things for you to think about:

1. What do you want?
   All I know is I want him.
2. What is it going to take for the two of you to have a honest "state of our relationship" talk and make some decisions?
   I fear neither of us want to have this discussion, especially with my moving coming so quick, however I've already promised myself that I will sit him down so we can both figure things out, before my move-in date arrives.
3. You've talked alot about how you feel but there's a lot of vagueness to how he feels. Have you asked him how he feels?
   He's told me he loves me, in fact he was the first one to say it, while I was too scared. I'm the first male he's ever been "in love" with, and I honestly believe we're both a strong foundation for each other.
4. You also talked about his troubled past. Or is it his troubled present? And is there a component of you coming to his rescue? Are you sure you're not falling into a parent role here instead of being in a relationship with an adult and an equal?
   We're definitely equals, and it is indeed just his troubled past, sure he may still have some lingering problems as a result of his past, but who am I to judge. I do not feel by any means I'm in a parent role to him, I feel we are mutual equals. He rags on himself a lot about his past, to which I frankly tell him it's just that, his past, and I will not, now or ever, judge him for it.

Thanks again for the comments, like I said I will continue to read and re-read all of them, they each help in their own distinct way. Thank you Lex and Kara for your thought provoking responses.

Oh and just in case nobody notices my answers are in bold in the above quotes!

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>It just seems everytime that condom gets put on I automatically get limp and can never return to the same hardness I had before the condom was ever put on.

OK, then - something else to try. Start wearing a condom whenever you have sex. Even if you're not topping. Even if you're all alone and jerking off. Make sure you put plenty of lube on the inside, so it can slide around while it's on you. Then hopefully, you'll get used to having one on while you do sexual things.

>>>I've considered this many a times, in fact, when I was there for orientation I almost went to the schedule GLBTQ community meetings, however I chickened out, as I felt I just wasn't the type of person to be going to those meetings. I want people to view me, not my sexuality. I don't feel my sexuality defines me as a person, it's just another factor that makes me, me. I'm just not one to wear my sexuality on my sleeve like many others.

The type of people that goes to LBQT meetings are LBQT people, full stop. It's not just for people who march in parades and ACT UP members. It might seem that it's just for butch lesbians and pink-power gays, but they're certainly for everybody. And everybody can benefit from them. If nothing else, you can meet other gay people, swap stories, and feel more comfortable about the whole thing.

And re: sexuality on your sleeve. Being "out" doesn't mean you grab a soapbox and make a public announcement, nor does it mean buying rainbow stickers for your car, or chanting "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it". (Unless you want it to, of course.) It simply means not living a lie anymore. It means if someone asks "Do you have a girlfriend?", you don't act coy and do the "I'm seeing somebody..." thing. You say "I've got a boyfriend, actually."

I've used this analogy before, but since KB started pulling out my overused bag of tricks already, I may as well use it again. I'm a Coloradan. That means one thing. I live within the borders of the state of Colorado. That's it. That's all it means. Some might think there's more to it than that. They might think I'm a huge Broncos fan, or that I love John Denver music, or that I ski all through the winter. That's some of the baggage that comes with the term "Coloradan".

As it turns out, none of that is accurate when it comes to me. Not a Bronco fan, don't like John Denver, and hate skiing. But I'm not afraid of the baggage. I don't tell people "Well, I might be from Colorado, but I am NOT a Bronco fan, and I'm not a skier, and I hate John Denver. I don't know what you think about those other Colorado people, but I'm not like them." I just say "Yeah, I'm a Coloradoan." Because I am.

Similarly, I'm gay. And some people might think there's more to it than that. That I lisp, or listen to showtunes, or whatever else. But I'm not afraid of that baggage. Anyone who knows me at all knows I don't fit into all the stereotypes, and anyone who doesn't isn't worth bothering to correct. I don't say "I might find guys attractive, but I'm NOT like those gay guys who have a high voice, or giggle all the time, or put rainbow flags on their cars. I'm NOT like them." I just say "Yeah, I'm gay." Because I am.

Don't be afraid of the baggage. Because in doing so, you're putting other people's misconceptions - or, worse yet, random strangers' potential misconceptions - ahead of your own happiness. If some random stranger wants to think you like showtunes, why should that matter?

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

You've given a lot of information in your post but ultimately it boils down to two troubled guys who are in love but don't have the wherewithall to have an honest discussion about their relationship.

I agree to an extent, I'm not the most outgoing person, however I can already understand what you're saying, and I know I need to talk to him about it, it just seems like an unspoken thing between us. I'm not sure how to describe it. And a part of me is honestly afraid to have this discussion with him, I'm not sure why, I just fear the worst.

By prolonging the discussion, you're putting both your futures in limbo.

Que sera, sera... what will be, will be.

By delaying the discussion, you're not changing the outcome; you're just giving both of you less time to plan- either for a move or for a breakup.


This isn't directed toward you but it is something that comes up quite often in CO&R and it is what Lex and I joke about in the "Tell him. Not us. Him." quote...

We have so little hesitation to get naked, show each other the "O" face, spray body fluids all over each other and spend the night together but when it comes to having a heartfelt, face-to-face talk, we feel suddenly vunerable. It just seems if you can be vunerable in one context, it should be a piece of cake to be vunerable in the other.

 

[the-faint]

Thank you both so much. I'm done with the listening phase and now it's time to do it. I'll try and bring up these issues with him, as I agree it's either now or later, and later will only serve to be more painful.

(Though I actually had extreme hesitation to get naked with him, lol but he's a very calming, seductive person, haha, which I found out pretty quick.)

Thanks again guys, I know it's hard to read what I typed, it seems so much easier to talk to someone in person rather than type it over a forum, I just can't seem to get my thoughts in order as easy as I would be able to in real life. But thank you so much again. It has all helped more than I can ever express.


edit: And I mean I have tried to start the conversation of, how do you see "us", where do you see "us", what happens next sort of thing, (we've been seeing each other for quite a while), but it just kinda goes off as, we'll deal with it when it gets there, which I'm just about neutral with. I'd like to set a plan, but at the same time, no hard feelings if one isn't made, I don't expect a plan to be made in the first place. However, I realize that's just not an option anymore and I suppose it's up to me to initiate the conversation, seeing as I'm the one moving. Whew, okay, I can do this, I mean, I love him, right? Should be a cake walk.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>And I mean I have tried to start the conversation of, how do you see "us", where do you see "us", what happens next sort of thing, (we've been seeing each other for quite a while), but it just kinda goes off as, we'll deal with it when it gets there.

How will you know when you're there?

Lex