3somes in a LTR?

[Lube]

Hmm quite a few really depressing analysis there. I can say one thing that wont happen is that I wont break up with him because of this. No offense to folks who have given that advice but it is really quite silly. That's like saying, my boyfriend wants a dog, I don't want a dog, eventually it will drive us apart, therefore we should preempt that and split up. I don't know how many of you are in or have been in relationships, but do you leave a guy every time you don't agree on one thing? Outside of me wanting an occasional dalliance, we have an absolutely beautiful relationship and I don't think either of us would be willing to let the other go, especially not over this. I guess what Im saying is that breaking up isn't an option which is why I asked for advice on how to handle myself, not on how to handle him.

At any rate, we talked it over again, the matter is settled. We're going to try some kinkier stuff and see how it goes. ...
At any rate, I think I've found my answer.

Well, congrats on finding your answer. It's seems a little too pat of an answer to me, but then this is just an Internet forum, so we don't know all the details.

Comparing your need for 3rd parties and/or kink is not at all like choosing a dog. It seems much more like a gay/bi guy saying that his wife does not meet all his needs, but he loves her (and the kids) very very very much and would never leave her.

You can squelch your needs for a while, but it won't last forever.

Sex (good sex) for men is a need. If your boyfriend can't provide it....

There is certainly a possibility that you guys trying something kinkier will work for now. But this is something that you're going to have to work on for the rest of the relationship. That's not a bad thing, but it will be constant work and a constant source of friction.

At least, that's the way it seems to me.

Good luck, and keep your eyes and mind open.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Threesomes are not "kinky" and doing kinkier stuff isn't going to substitute for it.

Let me clarify my earlier post since you felt defensive about it. I'm not criticizing you and saying your feelings for wanting a 3-some are a bad thing. A relationship doesn't have to be monogamous.

My concern is how rushed you feel about having a threesome with your boyfriend (a feeling you stated has existed way before the 15 months you've been together). If your boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable with it, then you have your answer. He doesn't want to.

I feel like you wrote all of this in an attempt for us to tell you how to solve the situation where you can ultimately have a threesome. However, in relationships, it requires both partners to be willing to open up the bedroom to another person. Your boyfriend does not share this feeling. Therefore, we side with your boyfriend and offer you the alternative perspective that perhaps you aren't ready for an LTR.

In response, you are offended by the prospect of breaking up with your boyfriend. Ok, cool. I'm glad your feelings for him trump your fantasy for having another cock in your hand. So what you need to do is accept the fact that after 15 months of being in a relationship, your boyfriend has no intention of having a threesome.

Fortunately for you, this is a sentiment that could change over time. You may be ready to "spice" things up, but he may still be content with the 1-2 sex times you have a day. Maybe 2-3 years from now, he'll want a threesome too. But the ball is in his court, so when he's ready, he'll let you know. What you need to do is stop pressuring him into it. He'll do it when he's ready. Please don't make this "kink" phase turn out into a guilt trip for him by not satisfying your cravings for a threesome. If you love him and want to spend your life with him, you'll wait until he is ready.

 

[CTorontoC]

I think this part of my original post must have been one people breezed over because it was near the end.

[...] but I know if given the choice Id choose him over sex every time. Im not looking for advice on how to get him to go for the 3way, he has to decide he wants to do that on his own or I wont be ok with it. Im also not asking whether or not I should break it off over this, I know it's not close to worth it. My question is whether or not others have gone through this, if it's a normal feeling and how others have dealt with it? If it ends up that he stays firmly planted in the ground and I can never have sex with anyone else, but want to, how do I deal with that?
How do I handle the frustration of knowing that I could call any of four #s in my phone book and be getting laid within an hour but am not allowed to? I can't imagine Im the only one who's ever had to deal with it, what do others do?

A second question is for those in relationships who have tried 3 ways in those relationships. How did it go? Would you do it again? What were the parameters? Am I after something I really don't want in the end?

 

[Lube]

It's a normal feeling for people who like 3-ways. I don't believe you can deal with it in the existing relationship in a healthy way. Repressing some sexual desire that you really, really want just doesn't work in the long run, IMHO. You will cheat or break up (from feelings of resentment), is my guess. No matter how much you love that person.

As to the second question, I have been in 3-ways, but only as part of others' relationships, never with my own bf, so I can't comment.

 

[Dejajb]

I have been the "3rd" in a three-way with relationships before. On my part, it's been fun if they are BOTH having fun. I've experienced having a one sided threesome before where only one of them is having all the fun. I've been sought after by that person trying to have sex just us two and I have shot them down. I try not to interfere with relationships because of karma. but i have also had a steady couple who enjoy "us" and keep it at that, a sexual thing. they are happy and living together. Hopefully you will find that middle ground with your bf.

 

[CTorontoC]

Just thought I'd post an update in case anyone was interested or in case it might benefit someone in a similar position later. Basically, I backed off on the whole idea and talked to him about it and showed him this thread and what people's opinions were and all. Everything was fine until one day out of the blue he came out and said that he wanted to do this as well and that he had changed his mind. He said that the next time the opportunity presented itself we should go for it lol. I was a bit surprised since I hadn't even mentioned it in a long time and it wasn't really on topic when he said it either lol.

We haven't gone through with anything yet, and there's no rush, we still have great sex. We agreed that whatever happened there would be no kissing the third and that it was just for fun and not an emotional affair. It may or may not happen any time soon but Im pretty sure it will in the long run and truthfully I don't see anything wrong with it as long as we both agree.

 

[Just_Believe18]

See? It was only a matter of time of waiting. Hope it works out for you.

 

[chance1]

Wanted to follow up here as the other night my bf of 16 mos. had our first 3 some

Met a very cute boy at Splash - dance club in the city - chatted with him - both of us liked him as a person - and several hours later we went back to my bf's place

Not gonna get into all the details but on many levels it was exactly as I imagined it:

exciting
different
surreal
hot

but it also left me feeling a little uneasy - why was my bf soooooooo into it but would it better if he wasn't?

there was no problem with anyone being a third wheel - equal opportunity satisfaction or lack thereof for all - no one was ignored or felt left out - there were a few comical moments

what's interesting is when you have a good sexual relationship, you take it for granted a bit - at least i think so

i came out of it thinking my bf was better than ever - not sure if im making sense

my bf and i have had a few convos about it already - pretty good dialogue

but it's a little weird - not sure if we will do it again - perhaps

snowed like a mofo here last night

happy holidays

 

[CTorontoC]

Thanks for the info Chance Im glad it worked out for you guys! We still haven't done anything because I've been too busy lately to do much of anything but man has he changed his stance on it. Now, he talks about a 3way happening as if it's a given and he seems really into the idea now. He even went to the extent of dropping a hint that we might do this sometime in the future to a few of our friends which means he's pretty darn excited about it.

Honestly, I'm beginning to think I'm getting my cake and eating it too for once. I have a smoking hot (now fiance) with whom I have an amazing relationship AND once in a while I get to share a new boy with him to keep things different. I really couldn't ask for more (except a house for us to live in together, but I'm workin on that). It's sort of funny, I see the 3 way thing eventually turning into us double teaming some little sub twink kid when he and I are in our 40s or something lol. I am of course, worried about the jealousy thing as you mentioned chance but I think it should be fine. I don't expect my bf to be more sexually attracted to me than any other man on earth.. it'd be unrealistic to expect that. All I expect from him is to be more in love with me than with anyone else and he gives me that in spades. I'd be fine with him being REALLY into it knowing that it doesn't change his feelings for me one bit. That's why we made the no kissing rule, so that there wouldn't possibly be any confusion about what was happening: just sex.

 

[chance1]

Thanks for the info Chance Im glad it worked out for you guys! We still haven't done anything because I've been too busy lately to do much of anything but man has he changed his stance on it. Now, he talks about a 3way happening as if it's a given and he seems really into the idea now. He even went to the extent of dropping a hint that we might do this sometime in the future to a few of our friends which means he's pretty darn excited about it.

Honestly, I'm beginning to think I'm getting my cake and eating it too for once. I have a smoking hot (now fiance) with whom I have an amazing relationship AND once in a while I get to share a new boy with him to keep things different. I really couldn't ask for more (except a house for us to live in together, but I'm workin on that). It's sort of funny, I see the 3 way thing eventually turning into us double teaming some little sub twink kid when he and I are in our 40s or something lol. I am of course, worried about the jealousy thing as you mentioned chance but I think it should be fine. I don't expect my bf to be more sexually attracted to me than any other man on earth.. it'd be unrealistic to expect that. All I expect from him is to be more in love with me than with anyone else and he gives me that in spades. I'd be fine with him being REALLY into it knowing that it doesn't change his feelings for me one bit. That's why we made the no kissing rule, so that there wouldn't possibly be any confusion about what was happening: just sex.

funny how he's into it now - i guess we all evolve and an idea that may seem not so hot (no pun intended) can become just that

love the "doubleteam some little twink" - that's kinda what happened with us

as for not expecting ur bf to be more sexually attracted to u than anyone else ............ well i can't say that - i like to think i'm the best - in his eyes anyway

the "no kissing rule" is interesting - for me kissing is so much a part of sex that i have to think about that one

good kicking it around with you

happy holidays