5 Year Agony

[eliduc]

I'm sorry for yet another gay guy falls for straight (or who knows what) guy story, though after having gone through the "undying love" thread I guess I should be grateful my situation wasn't as confusing nor was I taken advantage of financially nor sexually. I know that by posting my story I open myself to judgment for my stupidity, but I also felt I really needed to vent a pain that hasn't gone away in five years.

[Part 1 of 5]

Anyway, a few years ago I had a crush on a guy, "Ben" who lived with us (rented a room, but not inside our house) back when I lived in an urban area with my immediate family (changing name/place details for anonymity). The crush was kind of casual and I never acted on it since I was pretty sure he was straight. Right around that time I had come out to my parents (who reacted horribly though my mom got better over the years) so I only had one aunt (at the time) to whom to go to for support. She told me that M was bisexual or at least "struggled" with those feelings when he was a teenager. I thought this was finally my chance to make my move on Ben so starts my stupidity.

Over that summer after high school graduation, I sent Ben an invitation to hang out/talk. He never answered it so instead I decided to write him a poem telling him my feelings. Still no answer. So I spend the entire summer agonizing, thinking that maybe the no response just meant he was afraid/not sure what to do especially because we both lived under my dad's roof. Finally, I decided to personally approach him toward the end of the summer and when he opens the door, he tells me to meet him outside at around 2pm.

I anxiously waited all day and finally met him where we agreed. He was talking to my aunt on the phone and when he finally hung up we both walked and stopped in front of this woman by where his car was parked. His girlfriend. Sh*t (I had seen her before but I thought she was a random hookup since he has a history of hooking up promiscuously). They, or rather, I should say she (since he barely talked and was kind of fiddling with something on the side) confronts and talks to me about my feelings for Ben and how they were going to complain to my parents about it but didn't because I seemed like such a nice/sweet boy. She even complimented me on how nice my poem was, and that she was sure I would "find somebody" and then randomly talked about "the gay friends we have" and how cool they were (might as well said "I have black friends and I'm ok with them too"). She offered to be my friend while I was bawling my eyes out and by the end of the whole conversation, they both invite me out to eat.

I stupidly accepted, but when I went inside to get my wallet both my parents stopped me from going, and my dad was at the verge of getting physically abusive until my mom stopped him. I spent the entire afternoon bawling my eyes out though my mom made me realize how dumb it would have been to go with them (I guess somehow they both figured out what was going on).

I finally decided to leave the whole situation behind since I was going away to school and move on. However, on one of the days before I left for school she (his girlfriend) called me into his room when he wasn't there. I felt like it was the inquisition because she started asking me all sorts of questions like "Have you ever been with a man? With a woman? I heard you two had something going on before me. Is he bisexual? I'm ok with gay people, but I can't possibly give children to a man like that. I'm left wondering so much because he acted very suspiciously when you knocked the door or received your letters." Basically she sounded paranoid about whether or not he was bisexual. Obviously only he was the one that could answer that so I told her I really had no certainty of it, though assured her I had never been involved with him (sexually nor relationship wise). I told her she should burn the letter/poem I wrote and that I would be moving away from school and leave this all behind. She agreed she would do just that and with that we said goodbye.

Anyway, so I go off to school and things go pretty well. I even met someone else, though it doesn't really work out because he wanted an open relationship so moves on to another guy.

The next time I spoke to my aunt in college, she told me that Ben never threw away or burnt my poem/letter and that he wanted "to go out with [me]" but was "afraid" of what my dad would do. I wasn't sure what she meant by "go out" (after all it could mean as friends not necessarily date me), so all I did was be happy that at least he had some appreciation for me and so I kept living my college life (focusing mostly on school, not dating).

Other than being kind of down over being dumped by the other guy (but it wasn't bad because I wasn't in love with him because Ben still lingered in my mind), my Freshmen year went pretty well, I made a lot of friends, joined clubs, and did well in school.

 

[eliduc]

[Part 2]

Then, my sophomore year, a cousin contacts me and tells me Ben wants to visit me at school. I get really excited and instead of waiting for him and my cousin to visit me, I try to hang out with him the next time I go home for a weekend. We end up hanging out a couple of times my sophomore year and of course I start over-analyzing the friendly stuff he does. For example, he always paid for meals when we went out, opened doors, has at least twice gotten a plate and offered me to dig in from it, offered to carry the only bag I was carrying when we went out shopping (there was only a sweater inside so it's not like it was heavy), and one time when me and my dad bumped into him, he shook my father's hand with one hand and clasped mine with both of his hands. He admitted that he was seeing a new girl from another country. I point blank asked him about his sexuality and he denied being bisexual/gay.

Anyway, I didn't see/hear much from him my junior year nor senior year other than the occasional bumping into him when I went home on a weekend or holiday. Nor had I seen or gotten close to any guys since the guy from Freshmen year. I later found out he had moved out of my house and into an apartment with someone else (presumably the foreign girl but I'm not sure).

So I finally graduate college and my parents move away and sell the house. Still, I remain in the area (living with other relatives) looking for a job and researching grad school. One day I go out to the movies with my cousin and randomly bump into Ben on the street. All three of us spend some time talking until my cousin and I have to leave for the movies. My cousin then tells me that he's going through a hard time because apparently the woman he was living with left him or some other stuff had been going on, I wasn't sure. Later on in the summer, my aunt calls me and tells me Ben wants me to call him. I kind of ignore it because I know if I call my feelings will resurface again and won't be reciprocated, but throughout the summer she insists or at least asks if I called him each time I speak to her, since Ben's "really depressed".

Instead, I contact him over Facebook and tell him I value and appreciate him, but that I still have feelings for him and that it would be best if we didn't talk again and maintained no contact. He then sends me a message just telling me to call him, that it was very important. I then said I couldn't (I also had circumstantial reasons I couldn't call him, my phone wasn't working ---I told him this and said to just tell me in writing). He then asked me a question about what requirements he needed to work for a certain department in the city. I was totally devastated he didn't address my writing about my feelings, but I still answered his question and recommended he ask another cousin of mine who has more experience with that city department.

A few days later I receive another random and brief message telling me that he "valued my friendship and opinion." I then talk to my aunt, who tells me Ben called her and was kind of upset by my letter and coldness/pulling away. I then gave in (especially since my aunt said maybe we should become closer friends first and then see what happens) and contacted Ben and told him I valued him too, and then invited him out to a movie and then to a place where we could discuss things afterward.

 

[eliduc]

[Part 3]
Finally, the day of the movie. He sends me a message saying he actually won't be able to make the time and if we could move it to another time. I then borrow the house phone (I was living with some other relatives I wasn't out to at the time since my parents moved away) and we kind of call each other back and forth; he seemed really hesitant or just like he couldn't figure out what plans to make. Finally we set the time for 6 instead of 3, and he decides on another theatre (I made the plans to be at a theatre closer to me since I could take public transportation).

Then, he sends me a message online that made my heart sink. "There's someone I wanted you to meet." A third wheel, I was really just hurt devastated because I thought it was going to be a time for us to discuss our feelings about the situation.

So he picks me up in his car (before picking up the third person) and I ask him what his thoughts were about the letter I sent (the one about me still having feelings). He gave me a really vague answer about how he wanted to do so much things with his life right now, things he didn't do at my age (like go to college, which he says he's proud or happy for me about) and somewhere along the conversation inserted a compliment about how he liked that poem I wrote such a long time ago. I left the issue alone and we went to pick up his friend (a 50 something yr. old man who happened to be his new "confidante". I'm in my early 20s, Ben is in his early 30s).

We went to the movies (I sat between Ben and the older guy) and then to dinner. Ben wanted me to go back to the older guy's apartment with him but I said I needed to be back home early. I really didn't need to be back home early, but I didn't want to go back to an apartment of someone I just met. Overall the night was a disappointment. I was quiet for the rest of the night while he was driving me home. He asked me a random question about a club we drove by (is it mostly guys going in? wtf would you ask me about what looks like a gay club) and then asked me if I was ok and I said I was. My illusion was shattered since all the behaviors I overanalyzed (paying for meals, etc.) he also exhibited with this new friend.

We shook hands and he dropped me off a couple of blocks away from my house (he offered to drop me in front of it, but I didn't want anyone to see me coming out of his car) and I went home and cried because my expectations didn't match the reality of how I wish the night had gone. A day or two later I sent him a second letter saying (once again--) that I appreciated him and valued him and thought he was a good person, but that remaining friends was too hard for me because I still wanted something more and that we shouldn't keep in contact. I also told him to avoid calling my aunt (since I didn't want her to jack my hopes up again) and expressed sympathy for whatever pain he was going through after breaking up with his last girl (he briefly talked about in the car ride home). So I removed him and blocked him from Facebook and that was that.

 

[eliduc]

[Part 4]

A month later, I had a fight with my dad and ended up calling Ben. He said he couldn't talk right now and then hung up. A couple of days later he called me and then he talked. He said he was tired of my BS, and that he was dealing with enough issues in his life and that I had NO right to even mention him being heartbroken over anyone. I had -never- heard him speak to me or anyone that strongly or angrily before so I got really upset. I apologized for the way I was behaving but that I wanted him to understand that to remain his friend was too hard for me, and that I really felt he was sending all of these mixed signals (i.e. rejecting me so harshly summer before college but then wanting to visit me soph yr, and also his insisting that I call him all throughout the summer after college/his breakup just to ask me some dumb employment question while glossing over my admission that I still had feelings).

He just said that I needed to go out and meet people and that he thought I was a really smart kid, but was "starting to doubt that" (and trust me, me too); and discussed the situation with his older friend (the one we went to the movies with) and wasn't sure what to do. I said I was moving back with my parents for a while (he sounded upset at this and said I wasn't going to "do anything" or "get anywhere" by doing that) and he talked a about him finding a room to rent and moving in with some random gay guy which "should be a little weird but still ok". The half hour conversation was barely audible since (believe or not) it was raining outside so he eventually told me he had something to do and hung up saying "talk to you later."

I tried to re-add him on Facebook, he left it hanging for a few days, and then rejected it. He then changed his "interested in" from blank to interested in women (dating/friendship/relationship) and hasn't spoken to me since (this was November).

I spent so many days crying, having anxiety attacks, and upset that if it weren't for a relative's wife I spoke to (not the ones I was living with, but someone else I used to live with but was also staying temporarily there) I think I would have either gone crazy or killed myself. She told me Ben wasn't worth it (promiscuous, closet bisexual, literally had a bunch of women going in and out of his room back when he lives with us) and that if I had ended up going out with him I probably would have ended up in a worse emotional state than I was now. My other cousin also talked about how he would probably never come out even though everybody we knew was pretty sure he was at least bi (supposedly he had a thing for one of my older male cousins a long time ago).

I ended up having to push forward the day I moved back in with my parents because I was that much of a wreck.

I sent him a random note in January asking him how he was doing but he totally ignored it (so much for his "talk to you later").

 

[eliduc]

[Part 5]

So far I have been doing ok after a month and a half of no contact and have even gotten into grad school (for which I'll have to move back to Ben's city), which I don't start until next fall.

Still, I know I'm not over him and I know that if I ever see him again or hear from him again I'll sink into really bad depression again (I'm still depressed but just numbingly so). Today I had a fight with my mom because she found out I was avoiding my aunt. Mom said my aunt has done nothing but be a second mother for me and that just because I'm fixated on this one man doesn't mean it's her fault or that I have to ignore her like that.

I don't hate my aunt, but throughout the years it's been her the one using the language that kept my hopes and torch for this guy lingering. I don't think she did it maliciously (maybe she was just wishfully hoping we'd end up together), but it would still feel toxic to hang around her because I'd be reminded of him (she's married to Ben's father, so she's Ben's stepmother---so he has no blood relation to me) and because she might say something that might inadvertently make me miserably hopeful again.

I know I acted desperately and even the most sure of himself gay guys wouldn't have gone out with me, but I can't convince my heart what my head already knows, i.e., if NOTHING has happened between us by now, NOTHING ever will. I'm also hurt he couldn't at least apologize himself verbally if he was indeed leading me on in some way. Even when he rejected me the summer before college it was his girlfriend at the time doing most if not all of the talking. I wish the day of the movie we could have cleared everything in person instead of him having brought yet another buffer between us.

I can't really date while living with my parents because of the area we live in, though I've started to talk to some guys online for a while. I know I'll sound like a lame emo 16 year old, but I genuinely don't feel anything for any of them. I've been in love before (my first love was actually a girl) but I've never felt for anyone what I felt for Ben. I really do feel Ben was the one and would rather live lifelong celibacy than have to settle for anyone I don't love as much if not more than him. I'm also afraid that even if I do meet someone and bump into Ben again, it'll ruin anything I find.

I'm not a good writer so I can't possibly express the pain I'm feeling right now. Although I know there are periods where I can be okay, for the most part I feel most of my life will be stuck in a cycle of hope and despair for someone who I don't mean anything to. I feel especially guilty around my closer family and friends since they're tired of hearing about this guy but I can't help but feeling I'll never get over him.

 

[Eagle653]

Wow, your story is heart breaking. This has been going on a long time, with false starts, dashed hopes, disappointments, and utter agony.

You know you've done the right thing by avoiding contact. And, while your aunt undoubtedly meant well, you are also smart to see how she unwittingly contributed to the confusion and your despair over the situation.

Time really does heal broken hearts...how much time depends on a lot of things, including "reminders," contacts, and thoughts and dreams that linger.

I hope that when you begin your studies in the fall, it will provide a diversion for you. Perhaps you'll even meet someone. I know that you're not at that place now where you could even consider someone seriously because of your lingering feelings for Ben. But, there will come a time when you can put that behind you. You'll never forget him, but you will get over him and be able to move on to a more healthy romance--one that's returned.

You sound like a smart, nice guy. You are probably a catch for the right guy. He's out there and you will find him. Believe in yourself, first of all. You've got what it takes and you will get Mr. Right.

We can't control who we fall head over heels for. If we could, we'd put our mind in control and in charge of our heart. But, it doesn't happen, so we get hurt. I know it's no consolation, but you're not alone. Those who have been things like this (and I have), about the only thing we can tell you is that it gets less painful in time and you really can move on.

Good luck to you. Let us know how you're doing.

 

[hotatlboi]

It's sad but really, you just need to move on man. You are adding to the drama as much as he is. Removing him from facebook then re-adding him? wtf?

Just be done with him. It's been years since you expressed interest in him and he has never returned that interest. It's time to move on.

 

[Horschallen]

Diversify yourself and move on. Best of luck to you.

 

[andy12]

I found this forum through the "undying love" thread (as it was unfolding) and we're pretty much in the same boat. "Great" to be together in loneliness.

It'll be ten years this fall that I first met my Ben on the first day of high school. I've been open to myself since junior year, but I didn't tell him until we lost contact because I didn't want to lose the friendship while we were at school. To cut through the last few years of drama with him that's come to a close, nobody holds my interest either. "Move on" doesn't mean much as I think people like us are loyal (so I don't take to the hookup culture which feels empty and impulsive).

He never came crawling back to me though and the three times I visited him, it was my initiative. But the worst is knowing that it could have been different and it was his mental block that prevented it all. It's hard for me to keep calm reading news about the latest rant of some homophobic politician because it's self-serving assholes like that who contribute to the self-hating, closeted atmosphere. You'd have to invent a circle of Hell worthy of them.

I'd love to know and tell you that everything's going to be fine, but this unrequited love can last a lifetime. Days can be okay, especially if you have a hobby or job or something you can sink yourself into. Maybe things will be good one day, but who knows?

And you're a good writer

 

[rareboy]

Well, if you read to the end of undying love you'd understand there is redemption and freedom from despair. He is now free of his unhealthy obsession and has found someone who loves him, so it seems.

You can too.

But you're the one who has to make the real steps and do all the heavy lifting.

So. Time for you to make an actual plan about how you are going to get the upper hand in your life. It may require making some lists and writing more. It is not likely to be without setbacks.

But seriously. I am struggling to think of what is so interesting about this guy anyway.

You've decided to let a crush become an obsession and have employed it to close off all other options. It can be way more convenient and interesting to pursue something you can't have than to invest real time and effort into a real relationship. Having an unattainable love and constantly being 'rejected' is so much easier than actually being rejected or dumped in a real world relationship.

Stop it.

There's a nice gay guy out there to love you and that you can love back.

So stop crying. Get out there and start volunteering for stuff and meeting more people. Get your life back.

 

[eliduc]

Thanks for all of your supportive responses everyone.

Rareboy, I can't figure out what is so interesting about this guy either other than (to be honest) he's the hottest guy that's ever paid the least morsel of attention to me, we were both shy people growing up (as well as share somewhat loner personalities now), and whenever we would hang out, I would feel protected and safe. I felt like the schoolgirl that was sneaking around with her dream heartthrob (after all, I hung out with him behind my parents' back). The more I think about it, maybe the two contrasting realities made it more exhilarating: the fact that right outside my parents oppressive home my dream guy was literally waiting for me in his car to drive me to all these different places. Just us.

I don't care about money (he's older but has a lower educational level than me), but his gestures of always paying for stuff whenever we went out and doing little things like opening the door for me, offering to carry my (not heavy) bag, or holding out his arm when the car braked hard, made him into a "prince charming" archetype in my mind. A masculine and sensitive older guy who would be the Frank to my Sally as one might say. As a clergy mentor of mine put it, it feels like if I lose him (of course, I never "had him" to begin with), I'd forever lose my chance at love and feeling like that for anyone again. Sure, I could find someone else, but not someone with whom being around gives me that level of bliss. Of course I know honeymoon periods of most relationships fade, but no one has made me feel like this initially since.

I guess someone looking at these things more objectively might've filed them under friendly gestures, but his desire to drive 2 hours to visit me at school a year after having rejected me in front of his first gf, and his wanting to initiate contact again last summer really threw my head for a loop. In addition, my aunt's encouraging me to be friends and test things out with him along with all the other things she's told me throughout the years (such as him keeping the poem instead of throwing it out like his first girlfriend said they would) fueled the obsession by making me feel I had a chance or that it was somehow "meant to be".

I do hope I get over it, but in a way it feels like a longterm addiction. Meaning I usually do fine for stretches of time, but in a way the feelings are not completely gone but just linger in the back of my mind until the next time I hear from him or see him. Which is when the longing, despair, and crying by myself start all over again. I sometimes even have dreams about the situation. In the dreams I ask him for answers and he just ignores me or pushes me away and leaves, it's painful.

I know there's no use clinging to the past, but I'm ashamed of the no contact letter I sent him the night after the movies.

Just to recap, when he kept insisting to my aunt that I contact him all last summer, I sent him the first no contact letter admitting I still had feelings but saying it was best we didn't talk. He totally ignored it by insisting again that I call him (I really couldn't) and then posting some random job question he had. Later on, my aunt told me he was upset by it and she advised me that I should become closer friends with him first and see where it leads. As a result of talking to her, I invite him out to the movies but after the way the night turned out, I sent him a more firm no contact letter and even told him not to contact my aunt since I didn't want any more false hopes.

I feel horrible and like I had no right to do that but at the time I wrote it I was in a lot of pain and couldn't deal with all the hope and uncertainty I felt I was constantly being tugged by.

It's like a cycle. Sometimes I wish for recovery because reciprocation won't be possible, other nights I wish for reciprocation because I don't feel recovery is possible without it.

Anyway, I guess I got my other wish since I'm sure he hates me or plain thinks I'm crazy. Still, I wish things had gone like my aunt and cousin initially hoped it would. I wish I could get rid of all the stupid miscommunication (after all, no tires were slashed nor did I leave 100 voicemail messages or feel I did anything super crazy or overboard) and all be forgiven so that either we could either ride off into the sunset (yeah right); or my heart be able to genuinely depart in total peace (instead of this half assed feeling ok unless he shows up again thing).

 

[Lube]

As a clergy mentor of mine put it, it feels like if I lose him (of course, I never "had him" to begin with), I'd forever lose my chance at love and feeling like that for anyone again.

Oh, come now. That's pure fantasy talk.

You do really need to get out and get on with life.

No one could be as perfect as you are fantasizing.

 

[eliduc]

Oh, come now. That's pure fantasy talk.

You do really need to get out and get on with life.

No one could be as perfect as you are fantasizing.

I know he's not perfect, but I couldn't help he was the one I fell for.

And you're right, I do need to get out more and get on with life since I do feel better when I'm busying myself with school or with work, but it still sucks that I constantly deal with the fear of my feelings resurfacing whenever he pops back into my life or I hear from him in some form or another, especially considering his proximity to my family.

 

[Lube]

Have you ever had a real relationship?

Crushes fade when you've got the real thing in front of you to touch and love and have sex with.

 

[eliduc]

Have you ever had a real relationship?

Crushes fade when you've got the real thing in front of you to touch and love and have sex with.

No, I've never had a real relationship. I went to Catholic high school and a relatively small private college so I went through most of my educational career without dating. It's not necessarily a bad thing because I spent most of that time sorting through coming out issues.

Still, it has been really lonely and I have yet to find a gay guy I connect with on a possible relationship material level (which is probably what sparks my desperation the moment this guy shows the least interest in contacting me or wanting to know how I'm doing).

 

[texan_slant]

A bunch of lessons learned. Moving forward -

1. Don't base your relationship on heresay (i.e. a third party telling you about how the second party feels);

2. I agree that you can't help who you fall for. it's happened to me a few times, however, try really hard to remember that the chances are slim with whatever you are hoping with this guy;

3. His actions have spoken louder than his words, and even if he was secretly wanting you, you can't wait forever for him to tell you that;.

4. Think about the time and energy that you have already spent communicating your feelings with nothing - not even a friendship - in return.

Try as you might - move on to new friends at least.

 

[rareboy]

"Move on" doesn't mean much as I think people like us are loyal

No. People can become neurotic and obsessive. Mooning away a lifetime is great if you're ging to create great art, particularly sonnets or the Divine comedy.

If you're not, it can just be pathetic and indicative of some borderline personality issues.

 

[TX-Beau]

holds my interest either. "Move on" doesn't mean much as I think people like us are loyal

Well, loyal implies some kind of reciprocity. It's not being loyal to pine over some guy who you aren't going to get, and never had, for years of your life. That's an unhealthy emotional issue. It's neurotic/obsessive behavior. It's a virtue to be loyal to your partner, your friends/family, but here? Loyalty to what? Some kind of hope, or aspiration, a fantasy of what's never going to be? It's normal to pine for a while, but once you get into years, that's something else going on.

Anyway, whether "move on," means much or not to the OP, he doesn't have much of a choice. The other guy is portrayed as pretty emotionally unstable, the aunt needs to mind her own damn business, and the OP needs to get far, far away from all of this. There will be no growth without that distance. Of course we don't have the other guy's point of view, so it's impossible to say what's going on with him, but ultimately - just like we always say - it's irrelevant. The OP needs to be in control of his own life. To anyone out there pining over a guy you can't have - you're surrendering your life and happiness to his control, and if he doesn't want you, you can call yourself "loyal," to the grave and waste your time and effort, and pine away inside your loneliness until it consumes you. Who wants to live like that? Why would anyone do this? What else is going on?

It's hard, sure, to walk away, but we've all been there, and we've all been hurt, and it doesn't kill you to cut your losses. In the long run, it helps you figure out how to control yourself, your emotions, and bolsters your self respect.

Nothing positive will ever come out of this - save the experience that the OP gains once he's past this extremely toxic situation.

 

[andy12]

Well, loyal implies some kind of reciprocity. It's not being loyal to pine over some guy who you aren't going to get, and never had, for years of your life. That's an unhealthy emotional issue. It's neurotic/obsessive behavior. It's a virtue to be loyal to your partner, your friends/family, but here? Loyalty to what? Some kind of hope, or aspiration, a fantasy of what's never going to be? It's normal to pine for a while, but once you get into years, that's something else going on.

I agree with you and rareboy above. My point is that loyalty is rare which means there's less people available to "move on" with, fueling the obsession.

 

[TX-Beau]

See, I don’t buy that argument. The amount of guys who come in here complaining that there aren’t any guys out there to have a relationship with far outnumber the number of guys who come in here saying they don’t want a commitment.

Which is pretty much my experience out there in the meat world. So what’s going on? Most guys aren’t users, they’re just guys. The number of guys out there who are right for any one of us is always going to be in the minority – and we all are going to have to date a lot of them before we find a guy who clicks with us. That’s just true for anyone gay or straight. So if you want a relationship, then you need to put yourself out there, in an environment with a lot of opportunity – and time and again we see guys who aren’t willing to do that for one reason or another. That’s no way to find a guy, and if the relationship guy is making excuses, or in the closet, all the complaining in the world isn’t going to move him any closer to what he says he wants.

Then there are guys who want a relationship to the exclusion of any other factor, who pretty much over-commit after the first date, and end up scaring the other guy, or choosing the wrong guy. The choices we make in presenting ourselves as viable relationship prospects also have a direct bearing on how attractive we are for potential mates.

Our choice of guys to date means a whole hell of a lot when it comes to relationship prospects. If all we’re looking for is a boyfriend, we’re not paying attention to the actual guy himself. That almost always leads to a bad end.

Like friendship, relationships go both ways, not only do we need to choose wisely, but we also need to make sure we ourselves are a good prospect. Just saying “I’m loyal,” doesn’t cut it. Just mooning about it doesn’t cut it, you have to actively put yourself out there and make sure that you’re in a good place to take advantage of whatever comes along. And it’s going to take time, and effort, and making the big gambles.

So why not have fun with it, walk away from the obsessions - and obsessions of this kind are almost always not about love or loyalty - go meet a lot of guys, date around a bit, just live your life and prepare yourself to take advantage of anything that might pop up.