A “giving explanations” problem

[innocentbychoice]

Hi people!

So here’s what’s up. Me and my bf have been together for a year and 8 months now. He’s a lot more jealous than I am and a bit possessive and insecure. I’m not saying I’m not insecure or anything, but he’s the one who shows those characteristics more often. Since the beginning I’ve had a problem…I get annoyed by his questions. Sometimes he calls me and asks me the same thing 3 or 4 times and if I’m doing something else, which is the case most of the times, I don’t feel like talking. For example:

HIM: Hi.
ME: Hi.
HIM: So, what’s up?
ME: Not much, I’m in the computer.
HIM: Online?
ME: Yes.
HIM: So what you doing?
ME: Not much, going through websites.
HIM: What kind of websites?
ME: Blogs and stuff.
HIM: Hmm I see.
ME: yes. So what’s up? What about you?
HIM: Nah, just working.
ME: Ok…
HIM: So what’s up?
ME: Not much, same thing.

I’m this point I’m annoyed. I don’t yell at him but he can clearly tell in my voice that I don’t wanna talk. The thing is that we’ve been together for a while now and there’s times when I feel like I have nothing to tell him because we talked like 2 hours ago? So I’m just annoyed by his excessive questions when there’s really nothing to talk about (at least on my part) and I figure that since he’s the one calling he must have something to tell me but turns out he calls me expecting me to talk. And I’m the kind of person who just likes talking on the phone when there’s something to tell or maybe to say hi but I don’t like just staying there waiting for conversation to come out of nowhere. I tell him that but he tells me that that’s not the way I behave when I talk to my friends, that I always have things to tell them and that I don’t tell him anything. I feel like I do tell him, but there’s things that me and my friends have in common that I don’t share with him because he wouldn’t get (like our silly sense of humor).

I’ve also told him that I hate when he asks me the same questions over and over again. His favorite one is “haven’t you talked to anyone yet?” I’m like “no”…and he asks multiple times which annoys me because I think that is his jealousy trying to find something wrong to be mad at. He gets angry when I tell him that and says that most of the times he asks a lot because it’s the only way to get me to tell him anything and that sometimes I have actually talked to someone and I forget to tell him so that’s why he asks a lot, to make sure I’m not forgetting.

He also tells me that sometimes he calls me just because he wants to listen to my voice and that he gets sad when I’m rude with him (which makes me feel bad).

Sometimes I feel like the way he asks me those things is what upsets me. It always sounds to me as if he’s just jealous and wants to know what the hell I was doing or with whom. He says that he NEVER tells me things in a bad way and that’s just my imagination (that could be the case, he’s very jealous so I might be perceiving things the wrong way just because I’m use to his jealousy).

What got me to write this is something that just happened. We were out with some friends eating pizza. Here’s how it went:

ME (to my friends):I was late because of my dad! He was supposed to give me money so I was waiting for him so I was late to the mall.
BF: When?

I was talking about last week when I met one of my close friends in the mall. He knew but apparently didn’t remember. I kept talking and he asked 2 more times in that “what the hell are you talking about and why don’t I know anything about it” tone which pissed me off and I angrily said “Jeez last Saturday remember when I did (…)” he got mad because of the way I said it.

He says he’s tired cuz it seems like he can’t ask me anything because I always answer in a rude annoyed manner.

So what do you guys think?

 

[bullwing413]

I think that while you're correct in stating he may be insecure in the relationship, all relationships a unequal and he may need more reassurance from you. You recognize why he calls you, so why not talk about that? Like:

BF:HI
You: I've been waiting for you to call again. It's been xx minutes and I figured you'd need another ME fix. I'm like a drug for you -aren't I?

BF: Just calling to see how you are.
You: Now that you called, I'm fine. Are you feeling better now?

BF: Whacha doing?
You: Whacha wearing?

etc., etc. You need to get to a non-sexual level of intimacy with you BF that you have with those "silly humored" friends of yours. Friends are very threatenting to BFs becasue they share a part of you he can't get to. Let him in on some of it and then create some for just you and him.

The best advice is always be the generous one in a relationship -not of material things- but of yourself. hard work but worth it and then if things don't work out you know you tried. Giving of yourself always comes back t you with something better.

My 2 cents becasue you asked.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Thanks for your answer.

But I didn't get this:

BF:HI
You: I've been waiting for you to call again. It's been xx minutes and I figured you'd need another ME fix. I'm like a drug for you -aren't I?

BF: Just calling to see how you are.
You: Now that you called, I'm fine. Are you feeling better now?

I tell him that joking right? Because at first it struck me as confrontational. But then I thought you were saying I should joke with him about how he can't get enough of me. Correct?

You need to get to a non-sexual level of intimacy with you BF that you have with those "silly humored" friends of yours

I think I have that. Sometimes I feel like an idiot trying to be funny with him the way I am with my friends, so that's why I don't do it.

It's also reaaally hard for me to not get annoyed specially when I'm doing something else and I don't really feel like talking cuz, as I said, i got nothing to say.

 

[Eagle653]

He may be insecure and all that, but the repetitive nature of his questions suggests more to me that he wants to talk to you, but doesn't have anything to say and isn't quick enough to invent new questions on the spot. I get that way when I just want someone on the phone, but don't have a real legitimate reason to have them hang on (it's rare, because I generally hate the phone, but there have been times).

Anyhow, there are several ways to short-circuit this for your own sanity and for the happiness of your relationship.

One, don't get sucked into a time-consuming circular conversation. In a friendly, but firm, tone tell him you're busy doing something on the computer (or something else) right now--what did he need? Then, tell him you'll call him back later (set a specific time, at least initially).

Two, have specific times set up when you're going to be in each other's presence. This should help the every-two-hour interruption. If not, politely but firmly tell him "oh, that's interesting, let's talk about this when we see each other tonight." Or, "I'll tell you more about that when I see you. Is there anything we need to talk about right this minute, because I'm kinda in the middle of something."

When he asks what, tell him "oh, nothing interesting, just some things I need to do kind of quickly. Listen, let's talk later when I see you, OK?"

Three, short circuit him at his own game, but calling him first. Have a friendly, but slightly rushed, tone to your voice. Tell him you're just "checking in" and ask him something benign and un-involved--like a yes/no type question. Keep it brief, but it will stop an annoying call to you (probably).

Four, you can hang up on yourself if you're desperate. Don't hang up on him--hang up on yourself. To hang up on yourself, start talking and, in mid-sentence, cut off the phone. No one hangs up on themselves--the connection was obviously lost. You can then immediately tie up the line so it goes into voicemail or he gets a busy signal. (I've only done this on very annoying people whom I just could not deal with at the moment.)

Fifth, have it out with him. Tell him you're annoyed by his too-many phone calls and repetitive questions. It's hard to pull this off without offending someone, but if the happiness of the relationship is at stake, then it's worth it. It could be that he doesn't realize how irritating he is. In many cases, I prefer a direct approach, but in tricky cases like this, I prefer a more subtle approach, hoping to gradually mold someone's change. That's just me.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

 

[innocentbychoice]

Thank you for your advice averageguy, The thing is that I don’t think most of the options would work because I’m a student and my schedule right now gives me a lot of free time so most of the time I’m not really doing anything important and HE KNOWS. Whenever I’m actually doing something and I can’t talk I tell him right away.

I’ve told him a million times I hate his repetitive questions. But I don’t know, they don’t stop lol.

Also he keeps telling me he hates that he can’t ask me anything because I always get angry! You know partners have the right to ask and the other has to explain…Well he doesn’t feel like he has the right to ask me anything because I get pissed off. So I really don’t know if I’m just too impatient or he’s really annoying.

Sometimes I just feel like I should work on my patience and just bare with his annoyance.

 

[bullwing413]

Yes, my comments were to make light of it and smile. Your tone changes when you smile and talk even if the other party can't see you smile. You've got to chill about his foibles if you expect him to forgive yours. It's a give and take, and sometimes you need to give more for a spell. If he really has a jealousy problem time will tell, but from what you say he's just trying to sound out the parameters of the relationship. He's got a point if you get mad when he's trying to do that.

 

[deadslug]

sorry to b brutal, but maybe it's time to say goodbye (call his bluff), then explain to him what ur feeling, maybe he'll listen then u can continue ur relationship, or get on with ur life!

 

[ricequeen]

Don't be annoyed...He cares 4 u, but apparently you don't talk much to him, that's why he asks a lot of questions about your life...You should try to share more of your stuff with him

 

[innocentbychoice]

It sounds to me at least that he just likes to be on the phone with you. He's attached and wants to be emotionally close.

My blind friend I dated got pretty attached in the same manner. liked to talk on the phone alot while I was on the computer.

It annoyed me that he was asking the same questions or just generally taking the conversation into a cyclical routine...

So instead of saying "oh just a blog." I read him one this one time. it was a moving inspirational one i just had to share.

he had a computer with text to speech and hardware to read and all this but he really seamed to enjoy listening to me read it to him. so I did.

He was really only calling to get his "lover fix". he'd call, we'd have the hi, hi, how are you? fine you? good.... oh...hmmm whatcha reading? I'd read him the thread or blog or wiki, whatever it was. sort of like he was a part of me I was explaining it to... sounds wierd yeah.

Then after a little bit or after the thread or blog entry I'd just casually say "hey is it alright if I let you go?"
"ohhhh ok."
"luv ya."
"love you to."
"call you later."
"ok (kiss sound) bye."

relationships are about give and take.
Yeah it may be a bit annoying for you, but just give in to him a little and try to work a little something out that doesn't annoy you so much and gets him his fix. Then in exchange for pacifying his "little crazy" for a while you get to set one of your "little crazies" against him.

That sounds good, thanks.

 

[innocentbychoice]

sorry to b brutal, but maybe it's time to say goodbye (call his bluff), then explain to him what ur feeling, maybe he'll listen then u can continue ur relationship, or get on with ur life!

Err nah, this isn't such a big deal to throw an almost 2 years relationship out of the window.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Don't be annoyed...He cares 4 u, but apparently you don't talk much to him, that's why he asks a lot of questions about your life...You should try to share more of your stuff with him

I share some things. There's others I don't really tell him. For example, sometimes when I'm with my friends we might say something about Britney or anything I read on Perez Hilton. MY bf doesn't give a crap about that so I don't tell him when we're alone.

There's this other thing that happened today:

We hadn't talked because I was at school all day long so when I got home I called him. We started talking, I was really nice and all, and at some point I said that at school I was hanging out with a group of girls and 2 boys, one of this boys is BB. I kept talking, he said "Who's BB??" in that accusatory tone. I was like "Calm down!! See that's the kind of tone you use that I hate". He said "yeah you're right sorry". Minutes later he tells me "Why are you so rude to me?" I was like WTF? "Rude? I wasn't rude to you! In fact, I call you with the best intention trying to be nice and you say I'm rude when I feel like I haven't done a thing. I don't like that", he said I was right.

That "you're rude" argument has being said a number of times when I feel like I haven't been rude at all. I like to think he's very sensitive cuz he likes me a lot, but sometimes it's hard for me to cope that when he accuses me of treating him badly.