A Bisexual Family (Could this work?)

[Romantico]

I spoke to some friends over the weekend who thought I would find this interesting since I am bisexual. A friend of a friend of mine was telling me about a bisexual friend of his he has known since High school who lives in Boston. Him and his partner have been together for 3 years now. They are 27 and 30 years of age. The two just bought a 4 bedroom house in Boston and are working on it non-stop. The guy who is 27 has a friend whom he calls his 'Grace' (ala:Will and Grace) He has known her for years and before he came out she was his full time beard. They love each other very much and she has taken to his partner just as much as she has to him. The three are inseperable. Anyway, the two guys want a family and would like to adopt. But then they began to think about it. They have devised a plan which is pretty unique in my opinion.

They want her to move in for good. They both want her to have kids for them. They want two kids one with each of the guys as the father and for her to be the mother and live with them. The question comes up, what if she meets a guy and wants to settle down and begin a life of their own?

I think if she is cool with it it could be great. Are these two guys being selfish? Both are willing to not only provide for the children but for her as well (they both have very good jobs) I am sure some christian conservatives will think this is a immoral lifestyle and condemmn it but I think if the kids have a mother and two fathers, wheres the harm? What are your thoughts?

By the way, They haven't asked her yet. They are awaiting feeback from friends and others they have told about this.

 

[Turkish]

Sounds a little like the Michael Cunningham book A Home at the End of the World, or the comparativly crappy movie version that followed with Colin Farrel. That didn't end up working out too well for them in the end

 

[Romantico]

I've heard of that movie but wasn't aware of the plot. I don't know. It sounds good but once you start thinking about it, I don't know. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

[CGHJ]

It sounds good but once you start thinking about it is right...I'm going to say that in principle it sounds like a beautiful thing. It doesn't sound like there'll be jealousy issues relationship-wise as it's unlikely that anyone's going to start cheating. And it would be really cool for the kid to have a real mommy at the same time. But custody issues are a potential nightmare...what if she finds someone and wants to move away to _________, what then? Careful careful! is what I have to say about that. Although it sounds like such a sweet arrangement I hate to disappoint

 

[luminum]

It is a bit unfair to ask, since it makes finding a partner willing to accomodate to those situations difficult for her. But ultimately, if she doesn't have a problem with it, then it's alright.

But if I were her, I wouldn't do it without some very, very, very serious thought.

 

[Kulindahr]

I'd love to be one of those guys!

Part of the problem with such a thing is that the country's laws are discriminatory -- one wife and two husbands isn't a legal option. That throws in an element of uncertainty that feeds on itself.
In a free country, I'd say go for it! In the real world... if you have lots of money and good lawyers, maybe.

 

[AresIncarnate]

Just don't tell the kids who's father is whom. They may start out cool with 'two' fathers, but society will push them towards thinking they can only have a single biological mother and father. Bad things could result.

 

[Romantico]

Well, I for starters would not use the words husband(s) and wife. All three would be domestic partners with a civil union perhaps. Both the guys make good money and she comes from some money,so thats a plus. So often its money that splits people up. I doubt this would be the case. I am reminded of that God awful movie with Madonna and Rupert Everett where they both got into a bitter custody battle. Not sure if an agreement can be drawn up where all three promise they won't end it with a custody battle or not. People can change over time.

My question would be Parent/Teacher conferences. How would neighbors react to a three parent household? What would the local church do? What would parents of these children do or say? What would politicans desperate to be reelected do? Would they take advantage of this particular situation for politcal gain? WOuld this get media attention? I don't think its so much an issue with the three consenting adults but with our hate filled family values society.

 

[Turkish]

I don't think its so much an issue with the three consenting adults but with our hate filled family values society.

I'm not so sure if that is the most accurate thing to so. While their relationship is between the three consenting adults, and that is all fine. Where things get sticky is the raising of the child itself. If you think all of our reservations about that are because of a "hate filled family values society," I think you would be wrong. Most people, myself would just be worried about the well being of the child. While I don't know of studies involving polygamy-esque marriages, most studies show that a child is raised best with two parents (either two males, two females, or one of each).

 

[Romantico]

Hmmmm, I am curious about this. You see, I disagree. I think having a Mommy and a Daddy(s) around would be a positive thing for the child/children. What more could a kid ask than to have a Mom who loves him and a Dad, but now a third parent? I think so many kids don;t have nough love in a household and now theres an extra parent around. I disagree. I think in many ways it could be a positive influnence for the child. I thinkits a different lifestyle and we all know people are afraid of anything different. I am more concerned with 'the others'/society. Still all and all, thanks for the reply. You've given me somthing to think about.

 

[lucius]

three is the number of the divine.

ands the woman is in the graces of two men...sounds like all are in a good position for happiness!

do it!

if you all love each other, it forms a triangle, and if the magic school bus taught us anything, triangles are a strong shape!

 

[joemama]

There are historical examples of this that would make an interesting queer oriented film. The 19th Century Russian writer Ivan Turgenev lived in this arrangement for decades.

 

[Seifer20]

I'm not sure how well that would work. It would take one very special woman to pull that off. If the two guys are devoted to each other, she may feel like the third wheel or may want one person devoted to her. If she ever chose to leave, things would get messy really quick.

Though I would like to believe that 'love conquers all' the logistics seem too messy and I think that day to day living could get awkward or strained. Not to mention the societal pressures. I would be hesitant with the situation because there is a lot on the line if things don't go smoothly. A split could be even more difficult than the average divorce.

 

[puty34]

hate to be a buzz kill... so they're going to wait for feedback from friends and strangers before even discussing it with her ... i don't think it'll work.

 

[Edenfield]

I am in a bi-sexual marriage. My wife is bi and I am too. She looks at girls, I look at boys and at the end of the day we still have eachother and our family.

 

[ELAINE]

I've wondered this myself and think it would be great. It sounds more to me that they are all close, not just using each other.

 

[texan_slant]

Dynamics could get all screwy here and everyone's role would have to be very clearly defined. What is the purpose of having her live with them?
What if the "mother" goes off and needs to be in a relationship? You're back at square one, and she might as well be considered a surrogate birth mother living on her own.

There are the two partners who are involved in the relationship, and she isn't, so there would be nothing to keep her there if she fell in love with someone and moved on. In this case, she might feel too obligated to stay for the sake of the child in order to avoid abandonment issues and this might all lead to a lot of resentment.

What is to stop one of the partners from leaving the relationship - in addition to the woman? The dynamics get a whole lot messier trying to involve a "third" full-time parent in the same living situation. The most-stable-home-life-scenario should be in place as early in the child's life as can be - then the child would be born into a situation that he/she will automatically know as his/her own.

Adding a third person who is supposed to be equally responsible for the parenting really makes the situation less stable, because ultimately, her needs will be evolving as time goes on. The fact that the couple will be paying for everything including her expenses takes the emotion out of it even more, and is more apt to add to the resentment. She's gonna start to feel like a nanny!

 

[blackbeltninja]

Okay, I'm a year late here... what happened in the end?

It all seems wonderful on paper, but serious issues could arise. What if the mom falls for one of the dads after several years, or vice versa?

Unfortunately - and I'll admit to seeing the worst possible scenario imaginable whenever it comes to "What could possibly go wrong?" - I think the gymnastic logistics to get this all right would prove prohibitive in the end.

-d-

 

[Romantico]

I haven't spoken to them since last summer sometime but last I heard all three were living together. I got a Christmas card from them and all three were in the pic they sent so I am assuming they are still together. Not sure about the arrangements though. Its so weird seeing this thread bumped. I forgot I posted it. It seems like it was ages ago. Its been a long busy year for me.