a chaotic story...

[irudesan]

I am currently in a situation where Im in a "relationship" with a guy that is dependant on me, almost to the 100%. I havent been feeling good for a long time...and I want to end the relationship but I feel so bad at the same time. I have very few experience in relationships, how can I become cold hearted and dump him once and for all?. I dont love him, and have continued with the relationship out of "pity", but I am getting to the point where I cant take it anymore. Please read with an open mind, and be mindful that I know I have a lot of mental health issues to even have accepted a lot of the things I did with this man... self steem issues, depression, and so on...

If I write everything I could write a book, so Ill try to make a very long story, into a short one, so here it goes


I met him through the web, I was looking to hire a scort (prostitute), saw him a few times, he eventually told me he "fell in love with me" at first sight, eventually I gave him a chance, (yes, not the best decision), but time went by and I never really fell in love with him, but he was "fun" for a while to hang out, also he introduced me into some "new" things, that were exciting at the time, but I dont want to do them anymore (smoking marijuana for example). 1 year and 7 months went by, and that is where we are. In all this time I got to know him more, and he has a lot of addiction problems: Cigarette addiction, he smokes "normally" 1 pack a day, but a lot of days he smokes 2 packs a day, smokes marijuana almost daily, gambling addiction (the money he made through being a scort instead of saving it he went to casinos to spend it), and sort of a sex addiction (he had a "talent" for picking up guys, and I ended up even going with him sometimes to see his clients, we did threesomes, foursomes, and he needed to have sex frequently). Part of the reason I have stayed has been because most of the time Im with him we are also smoking weed and "things are better" when you smoke weed, is like an artificial happiness... also a lot of those months we didnt live together and just hanged out like on weekends...he has also stated "I dont believe in working, people should be free and just hang out all day and be happy" that is a statement from a 32 year old guy, so basically if I continue with him he will never work if possible. Im 35 btw... anyways, He is a foreigner in my country (an ilegal foreigner because he got in with a tourist passport but stayed more than allowed) and even though we looked up how he could be legal, it is a lot of money and lawyers, and I really dont have or want to spend that money... So he is kinda in a "limbo" legal situation. He has family here in this country, but even them (his mother and father in law) dont want to deal with him because of his smoking habits, and confrontational personality in general. Thats why he rented a room alone. He paid his expenses with the money he made scorting, but a few too many times he told me almost crying that "he spend everything he had" in the casinos, and I had to pay his rent so they didnt kick him out. I was going to leave him a lot ago but then the pandemic striked, and in my country we had a total lockdown, we even have it right now but a little more flexible...
Because of the pandemic he stopped "working" so I have carried his expenses these whole months (like 5 months now) he even got to live with me for 2 months .
In those 2 months I had to buy him cigarrettes daily because then he would become grumpy and just told me he couldnt do it without them, I used to tell him that he should make the effort to quit, or at least to smoke 1 pack in 2 days, not 1 pack everyday, but he did that like 2 times in 2 months, so I spent a lot of money on cigarettes, I also had to buy weed weekly, I also paid for his room even tho he was living with me, and basically fed him everyday. I worked everyday, and when I came home he was always sleeping, he usually wakes up at 2 or 3 p.m., or later, and spend the rest of the day smoking cigarettes, weed, and playing Pubg mobile (obssesively btw), he didnt cook because he "didnt know" how to cook, and the one time he did it the food was basically shit, so I continued cooking all the time while he was living with me. I work in health care so as you imagine I have been quite busy, and sometimes even come home tired, just to find him sleeping or playing with his cellphone and I had to cook and everything. He helped me to clean the house sometimes, I will give him that. We had sex but honestly I didnt enjoy it, I just did it because I felt "I had to". I didnt even came most of the time...
The thing is that now the situation is unbearable for me, I want to stop smoking weed (because I know it is not healthy in the long term, and I have been smoking weed like 5/7 days of the week for the last year, Im worried im kinda addicted myself, but Im pretty sure I can quit it), I have started taking care of my physical health, and reading books on mental health. The thing is that now he is dependant on me almost to 100%. He cant "work" because of the pandemic, all the motels are closed in my country, and I imagine not everyone is looking to hire scorts these days bc of fear of the coronavirus. He is going to move with his parents next week, they accepted him but on the condition that he should stop smoking and contribute in something in their house. I want to talk to him and end the "relationship" but at the same time I just Know his parents are going to end up asking him to leave their house again, I just know it, so I feel bad because when I leave him, I know he will be almost in "homelessness", in a foreign country, with no real support from his parents, and without being able to "work" (scorting, or anything else really , because he is illegal here). So it really makes me think twice, and also be angry with myself for perpetuating this toxic relationship.
I just want to be free from the responsibility of taking care of someone I dont really love. But also I feel bad "as a human being" because if I leave him he will most likely end up in the streets.

I know I focused on the bad things, because those are the things that have killed all the "good feelings" i had for him at the beggining. Im not making him responsible for my decisions though, I was the one who gave in to trying weed, and do some of the crazy things that he got me to, I just want everything to end and to resume my "normal boring life" , I mean, me just working, living alone, not having to smell smoke every freaking day of my life... and just worry about me.

How can I stop feeling bad for him and dump him already, I know that I have waited damn too long... suposeddly im going to help him this weekend to move in to his parents house again... and he is already asking if he can come again to live with me for another month... obviously that wont happen.

I dont know, if someone had gone through a similiar situation, or could give me advice on how to manage things... or on mental health tips, I know im kind of a mess myself. I am done with men also... I just really want to be alone the rest of my life. The few times I have tried everything goes down, and men just want to take advantage of me, and I have allowed it, I hate myself for that...
thanks for reading...

 

[SeaCore]

This is tough... I'm not entirely sure what I'd do in this situation either because of the pandemic. It does complicate things a lot more doesn't it?

Still, you need to stop beating yourself up. It's not wrong to be unhappy with a relationship and want to end it. You're being incredibly compassionate and considerate for someone who hasn't been doing the same for you. And from sounds of it, that is the kind of person that you are at your core because the unfortunate thing is; it's something a lot of people are willing to take advantage of.
As you read up on mental health, put a focus on studying boundaries; how to set them and what healthy boundaries look like because that seems to have been the core issue. It's clear that you've made your issues known and suggested compromises and that they've been ignored and grown out of control and having healthy boundaries would have given you the confidence to end things sooner or establish how serious you were about things.
This isn't to blame you. We are not taught enough about creating and maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships.

I'll reiterate, I don't know what the right thing to do is. But this is what I think I would do.
I would break up with this guy once he is at his parents house. It's not leaving him out on the street without having any way to work. It is leaving him at a place that is safe. Granted. He may very well screw things up. But that's on him, not you. If he's not willing to do what it takes to maintain his safe living situation that's his fault. No one can save him from himself and it's not reasonable for him to expect you to do it for him. Also, if he thinks he has you as a fall back he might be more reckless at his parents than if he knew he had no where else to go.

I'd also like to add something that is just speculation about him. I would imagine that this guy has a talent for manipulating people and has more options to make it through the pandemic than you might think. It's related to that talent for picking up guys. Those tend to be people that are good at reading people and especially finding people to care for them. I know someone like that. I've known a few people like that. They're good at sparking friendships from nothing. So while I wouldn't feel good leaving him homeless, I would also recognize that if he brings that upon himself that he can probably slip out of it.
Again, I don't know if this is true of this guy. But if it is, it's something worth considering.

You're supporting this guy, but who is supporting you? Do you have friends and/or family that you can talk to? You're suffering a lot and if you have the option to reach out to a support network I would highly encourage it. You've got a lot of self-loathing and guilt for making mistakes and you need to give yourself the room to not beat yourself up. It's like you're beating yourself up for being sick. You didn't choose to be sick. It's the same for your mental health. And if you're able to see a therapist, or even better a psychiatrist, I'd highly recommend it because you might be dealing with a chemical imbalance that is just beyond your ability to handle on your own.

It can be okay if you want to live the rest of your life alone. It's a valid option. But I hope that if you do its because that's the right path for you. Not because you're too afraid to try. This isn't me advocating for rebounding. But if you develop a better sense of boundaries I think you'll have a much better chance of finding someone who isn't just out to use you and who recognizes you for all the good things about you and who will work with you on the bad things. Hell, I hope you find someone like that for your life regardless of they're a lover, a friend, or a family member.

I'm going to reiterate my advice because it's the most time sensitive.
Break up with him while he has a place to live.

 

[KaraBulut]

...How can I stop feeling bad for him and dump him already, I know that I have waited damn too long... suposeddly im going to help him this weekend to move in to his parents house again... and he is already asking if he can come again to live with me for another month... obviously that wont happen.

First, stop apologizing.

Second, realize that this guy is a FWB, not your child. He's an adult and he is not your responsibility.

...I dont know, if someone had gone through a similiar situation, or could give me advice on how to manage things... or on mental health tips, I know im kind of a mess myself. I am done with men also... I just really want to be alone the rest of my life. The few times I have tried everything goes down, and men just want to take advantage of me, and I have allowed it, I hate myself for that...
thanks for reading...

1. Get him out of your house and over to his parents.
2. Change the locks on your home in case he still has a key.
3. Read the section that I've bolded above. What is going on with you is called "codependence" and it's a pattern that you can learn to stop.
4. Find a good therapist. Work on your issues. If you can stop the pattern of getting in relationships with guys that you need to take care of, you're more likely to find someone who is an equal partner.
5. There's no easy way out with this guy. You're going to have to tell him that you need time to work on getting your own life together and you can't take care of him and take care of yourself, too. Until you can get out of this codependent pattern of behavior, it's probably best for you not to see him. He has parents who can take care of him. He's not your responsibility.

 

[cabinfever]

^^^^Great advice

In the immediate moment - I would suggest letting him know today if you can that it just isn't working and you need him to leave right now.

You don't have to be cruel but you do have to be firm.

 

[irudesan]

Thank you so much for your responses. Right now I dont really have a lot of people to talk to because they are a bit disappointed in how Ive dealt with things, so I really appreciate to have your opinions.Tomorow Ill help him move out to his parents house, and Im planning after that talking to him, so I hope everything goes fine. Im still trying not to feel like the worst person in the world but I definitely cant continue with this.
Thanks and virtual hugs

 

[SeaCore]

Hope it went well, or as well as it could