A confusing guy

[Bittersweet One]

I have a very weird and long relationship with the guy I'm about to talk about. Lets call him Ben.

Ben works with me and I got a crush on him and he's straight, blah blah blah. There was a lot of back and forth, fucked up, weird things between us. He knew how I felt and that I'm bi.

Ben's roommate Tim used to work with us and he figured out that I had a crush on Ben, which bothered him as he's a homophobe, toward the end of his time working with us. Tim made up a story about Ben which he went out the way to tell me about, saying that Ben had a girlfriend. All of this was in an attempt to get me to stop liking and talking to Ben and it worked. I believed the story.

Right before Tim got let go, he made sure to mention a male friend of Ben's, to me. They all went to the beach one time to hang, which was whatever, but he went on to add that Ben's friend was always over at their place all of the time, almost all hours. (Tim seems okay with the "friend")

I should add here that all three of them do a lot of drugs.

Now, right after I had stopped talking to Ben, after the whole "girlfriend" thing, I noticed that the male "friend" suddenly started to come around our job. At the time I had just stayed away from Ben, so I didn't realize that it was almost a regular occurrence. I thought it was once in a while.

Much more recently, everyone I work with has made the comment that they must be boyfriends, since they are always together all the time or that something "weird is up with those two". The friend will show up and wait for Ben to get off of work, for basically all of Ben's shifts. I've even seen the guy drop Ben off when his shift starts, just to come back at the end of the shift (they both have their own cars). He has also brought Ben lunch or dinner. Right before we switched companies the two of them used to go out to the parking lot and disappear for hours or to parts of the building only he could access.

With the change of companies I knew I'd have to talk to him again, so I explained that I didn't hate him and any feeling of wanting to be with him or to be his boyfriend were gone, that I didn't care anymore. He took it to mean we were friends again though and everything went right back to the way it was before. Yet this time I really felt like I was actually his friend. It all seemed very normal, without all the other bullshit that plagued our relationship. Just normal dudes having normal friendly conversations. I felt normal, but I don't know what he thought.

Last night was the last straw for me though. I was talking to Ben, when his phone rang and it was the "friend". It seemed like a normal conversation at first, but then it got really intense. I had no way of knowing what the guy said, but Ben was answering back "Yeah. . . , yeah. . . , yeahhh....." and it sounded like he was trying to fuck him over the phone. He was moaning the words out and his voice got lower and lower. I also noticed that his face was getting redder by the minute. While he was saying it, I pictured Ben fingering someone, that's how it sounded. Right after that Ben called his roommate and asked where the 24hr sushi place was, so that he and his friend could go after work.

I followed Ben back to his office with my stomach in knots, what I had just heard was killing me inside. So after thinking about it, I decided to just ask him. I said, "Hey Ben, I'm about to piss you off." he replied "Gotcha." and I asked if he and his friend were in a relationship. He calmly said "I'm not gay." and I said "Yeah, but..." and he interrupted with "No!". There was a very awkward pause and then he, starting to lose it, added "He's just this fucking loser, that has no friends, at all!" after a pause he added ". . .Well, that's not very . . . nice."

He very quickly changed the subject to looking for other work and how much he hated our job. After a while of him looking on the computer for other jobs he went to go get some water and I decided it would be time to go back to my department. He said bye to me, but I felt very scared to even reply because I knew he was pissed and just trying to act calm.

Later I heard him in his office yelling very loudly. At the end of the night he asked for the key to my area, so he could leave before I was done and since his "friend" was waiting I assume he wanted to rush out before I could see them together. At that point he was done, fully pissed off.

I will now openly admit that I'm acting like a sad little boy and I'm very jealous of their relationship, so just getting that out there since I'm probably going to be ripped to shreds.

Yet, I really don't believe him. I found his last statement about his friend being a 'loser' such a week argument for why they were always together, all the time. He must have realized that I was going to say something about them being around each other in a way that isn't really normal and it is obvious to everyone and can't really even be argued. It hurts me to think that he had me in the palm of his hand, but went with this other guy. I have to admit that. I also feel that its because I don't do drugs. Their relationship is that much stronger because of that. I know any other kind of relationship, other then friendship, between us isn't possible and I don't want it, but it still hurts to see how he is with this guy. I also realize that any sort of damage that has happened, has mostly been my own fault.

I don't know how much more blame I can take then that.

If I know Ben, he'll try to say I'm reading too much into it, but everyone can see it!
It's not just me.

Since I have to work with him still, I plan on apologizing. I won't see him for five more days so hopefully he wont be pissed anymore by then.

Sorry, I think people liked me here, but posts like this usually get major hate. So hopefully you guys don't hate me too much because I feel like I have no one. I just don't know what to think and I'm in a lot of pain right now.

 

[HockeyGuy89]

I should add here that all three of them do a lot of drugs.

why would you want to associate with someone like this? Its pretty obvious they are drug buddies.
You have no idea what their deal is. Could it be, hes gettin drugs for ass? Or are they just friends that get high all the time together? Could be anything.

let em go, & find someone better.

 

[Seasoned]

No hate here. You've got it bad and that ain't good. Don't beat yourself up. You have a crush which is normal. You have feelings that you can't control. It all about what you do with the crush and with the feelings because that is what you do have control over.

I think a lot of us have spent time crushing on a bud hoping that he wasn't really straight. Sometimes these so called straight guys really aren't straight. Even so there is no explaination for who is attracted to whom. He's your type. Even if it turns out that he is gay it doesn't mean that you are his type.

Assume he is straight, but even if you find out at sometime in the future that he isn't don't take his lack of interest as personal.

I'd caution you about the bad boy attraction. I have it too. It can lead you to doing things you're not comfortable with. Stick to your value system. Start looking for someone who wants to give something back. If you aren't careful you could end up in exciting but damaging relationships.

You have a whole lot to give. Look for someone who wants to give something back.

On the plus side Ben has some qualities that you are attracted to. As long as they're not danger, unavailability and indifference look for those qualities in someone who is available.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but you do not want to be one of those people that set themselves up for repeated heartache. Take care of that heart. You deserve at least as much as you are willing to give. Best wishes.

 

[Bittersweet One]

On regular they do weed. He does it all day long, basically.

He has done and does Acid, shrooms, ecstasy, cocaine, speed, and lsd. Though he tries to act like he's never done these when talking to me, but then tells everyone else I work with how he does.

That weird conversation they had on the phone? There were probably reminiscing about a passed-out meth whore they took turns fucking the living shit out of a few nights back.

I would be so happy if that were it, it seemed like the friend was saying "I'm gonna suck your dick dry and then pound your ass." It was too personal to who Ben was talking to and what ever that guy was saying to Ben (like he was being sweet talked) and not like a "fuck yeah dude, we pounded that chick last night" thing. So, idk.....

In my defense, I didn't realize that he did drugs till way later. He created this character for me to like. He still tries to play up to it, even though I know the truth. Since I felt like we were the most real we've been with each other recently, I got tough with him and brought up his drug use and he said angrily "You think you know, but you have no idea what the truth is, at all! Everyone thinks they know!" and I said "Well, tell me the truth! Just tell me the truth, then I'll understand, then I'll know!" He talked about smoking weed, but that's it. We made jokes about other types of drugs, but there were no confirmations of doing them. I know for a fact that he, just a week ago, took acid at a concert and was coming down off of it at work. He was being a total asshole.

Once again, I realize that he was just stringing me along for what ever reason. He liked the attention or whatever. I've tried to move on, but its always him that never seems to be able to move on. I've told him off so many times (really pissing him off) and then he acts so sad and like he's sorry and wants to talk to me. Every time I talk to him again, I stress that its just for the sake of our jobs and want to keep it professional. Within days he's flirting with me. So I'd fall right back into it.

But that was all in the days when I very stupidly thought that we'd "end up together". Like I said, this time around we were just friends. I don't have the same feelings of wanting to be with him. I just want to be his friend. I feel that we've had a very long relationship and though I hate myself for it, I'm jealous of the friendship he has with that guy. That's what caused the problem this time. Though of course now that people have put a new spin on it, my mind has been opened up to the probability that the relationship they have is something fairly dubious.

Right before I asked about their "relationship", I tried to get him to hang out and he was all for it. He said he didn't have anything planed that day, but when I asked him what we should do, he just shrugged his shoulders and I could tell he didn't really want to hang anymore. I realized that we weren't ever going to be anything more then just people who talked to each other at work, I felt so sad, and then the call happened. What with that and everyone making comments about them it all built up and I lost control. I feel sad that I'm never really going to able to be his friend, like I have with the others I work with, especially when it seems like he's trying so hard to keep me as a friend. Though at the same time, I think the only thing we have in common is that we both like him.

And yeah soreknees, I have this horrible thing for bad boys. I'm just like that dumb "girl" that has it all going for them and then the bad boy comes along and just sucks them up and everyone is like "what does she see in him?". It makes me feel really fucking stupid. I'm trying to move on, I just wanted to focus on friendship. I have no idea whats going to happen. I'm guessing when I apologize, he'll take me back though, but really, I hope not. It'd be so much better for both of us.

Thank you guys!

 

[iwantbig]

maybe you could offer to help them out for a threesome.

 

[Bittersweet One]

I don't want a single thing to do with that disgusting thing Ben calls his friend. I'd rather be shot. If it came down to that, Ben or nothing. Lol!

 

[JNewYork]

I was where you are now. And the pain hurt so bad that I wound up going to get some counseling. Weirdly enough, a stranger on a message board posted a comment to me and it stuck with me. He said, "I guess you're going to have to find out why you are so thirsty that you're dying to drink from the filthy puddle that that guy is offering you."

You are in pain, no doubt. And as much as you don't want to hear this the truth is that your pain is not going to go away by getting with Ben. It's not.

I saw a slogan the other day: "If it hurts, it's not love."

Your situation is not you being in love. You're in need of healing. You have to work on your self-image because when you really have a good self-image, you will only gravitate to healthy people and healthy relationships that feel good. Good relationships can still be very hot sexually.

You need to rid yourself of the toxic Ben. And you need to accept that you are at a LOW place in life when you're falling for druggies. You're bottom dwelling. I"ve been there. On some level you are subconsciously believing that you deserve this pain and you deserve lowlives. Again, you need to work on yourself.

Also, Tim acted like a bitch in sabotaging your relationship with Ben. Sounds like Tim is a little jealous and may have eyes for Ben as well.

Look, they're all druggies and losers. Get the fuck out, away from them, and heal yourself.

Or do you want to continue this impossible dream of: "Oh yes, the guy I'm pining for who insists is not gay is suddenly going to leave his druggie friend and jump into my arms, etc."

WAKE UP and RUN.

 

[MatttheBruinsfan]

I saw a slogan the other day: "If it hurts, it's not love."

Obviously a slogan written by someone who's never been in love or paid much attention to those who have. Love is kind of amazing in its ability to torture those who feel it like nothing else. The original poster may very well be genuinely in love with "Ben," but there's nothing that says things will turn out all right just because you're in love, or that it's wise or healthy to be in love with a given person.

 

[Bittersweet One]

Thank you guys.

 

[JNewYork]

Obviously a slogan written by someone who's never been in love or paid much attention to those who have. Love is kind of amazing in its ability to torture those who feel it like nothing else.

No, I wouldn't call that love. That's spring fever, lust, maybe.

Love is not torture. It is not pain. If it doesn't feel good, it's not love.

You can insist you're right, but you're only setting yourself up for pain and unhealthy relationships if you think there must be pain and torture.

A healthy rule of thumb is if it hurts, go within oneself and find out why. Don't blame it on the other person or look to that person to ease your pain.

Bottom line is, Do you want to feel good and do you want to have a healthy relationship? If so, it's best to avoid those who bring you any kind of pain, whether it's a friend who makes insulting remarks to you, a cousin who always seems to say something that makes you feel angry or bad, or a love interest who brings you pain.

I'm all for healthy living and being good to myself. (After having spent many, many times gravitating to "love" interests who brought me pain. I've been in a great relationship for ten years now. No pain but lots of love.)

 

[Musik2400]

Love is not torture. It is not pain. If it doesn't feel good, it's not love.

This is not always true. Like MatttheBruinsfan said, Loving someone doesn't always mean you have that person.

For example: You say you're in a relationship. Have been for 10 years. You love him right?

So what if he passed away. You would stil love hm, and that love would hurt, because you couldn't have him. it would hurt to know you loved him so much and he had been taken away from you.

What if he fell out of love with you? It would take time to get over it, and you wouldn't be able to immediatey stop loving him.. It would be PAINFUL not being able to have him. It would be TORTURE to know that someone else would end up with this man that you loved, this man you hoped to share the rest of your days with.

Love is a many beautiful and splendid things. But love can hurt. After all without love there would be no heartbreak. Its love that makes you feel like since you've lost him, you don't even wanna get out of bed and face the day. Love is one of the most complex emotions a human being can experience. It has the power to be the gratest thing you've ever felt, and it has the power to be the worst. It all situational.

To the OP: I agree with the most common statement: Fuck him. You don't need him. From the sounds of it the reason he continues to flirt with you could just be because he knows you have/had a crush on him. He may find some sick enjoyment out of teasing you and leading you on. You can do way better than him.
Id say lay down the law. Tell him you don't like the flirting and junk, and if he can't stop then you can't be friends with him even on a proffesional level, and will simply have to avoid him.

 

[JNewYork]

No, you're talking about specific "what if" scenarios. I'm talking about loving in general.

Loving somebody in general is not supposed to be painful. If it is, it's not healthy.

 

[Musik2400]

But the point both Matt, and then myself were making is that Love itself, can indeed hurt, and the slogan "if it hurts; its not love" is not entirely true.

 

[JNewYork]

I never said it was entirely true. Many maxims are not true all the time and in every situation.

But, basically, yes, it is true. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Neither is friendship.

If you're thinking you love somebody but you're pursuing them and are in pain so that you're reaching out to message boards for guidance, then it's most likely not love.

If when you're hanging out with "friends" you feel negative feelings of jealousy, or neglect, or you feel insulted or slighted or left out, or if your "friends" laugh at your misfortune, even if it's your mispronouncing a word, then it's not friendship.

Friends and lovers are people we really feel GOOD to be around.

Pain is a sign there is something wrong with the picture.

I'm speaking from years of personal experience.

 

[Bittersweet One]

To the OP: I agree with the most common statement: Fuck him. You don't need him. From the sounds of it the reason he continues to flirt with you could just be because he knows you have/had a crush on him. He may find some sick enjoyment out of teasing you and leading you on. You can do way better than him.
Id say lay down the law. Tell him you don't like the flirting and junk, and if he can't stop then you can't be friends with him even on a professional level, and will simply have to avoid him.

I've been mulling of what I'm going to do for the past few days. I really don't know what to do. I think it depends on what his actions are when we see each other on Saturday. If he seems all pissed still, I'm pretty sure I'll ask if he even wants to bother trying to be friends and then I'll just say everything I've ever really wanted to. If he, for some weird reason, still wants to be friends after this, I really won't understand why.

This last time I "broke up" with him, I avoided him for seven months. I did everything in my power to show that I hated him, which gradually shifted to complete indifference. I knew I'd have to talk to him because we were under new management. I was very distant and professional, when speaking to him, but he just couldn't stop himself. We have been on and off too many times to count. I know I'm just as much to blame, but when does a person finally get it? When do they get that epiphany that says 'we should just have nothing to do with each other'?

I've tried to say stuff to him before, but he gets instantly defensive and pissed. I beg him to not get mad so I can get what I have to say across and he'll listen, but then just gets super pissed.

I'm scared for Saturday.

 

[Bittersweet One]

Just an update.

I apologized to him on saturday and he instantly forgave me with a gooey smile on his face. Our general manger showed up after that and Ben was kissing his ass, hard core, it was weird for someone who wants to "quit so bad". He was also being an asshole toward me and it was rubbing me the wrong way.

I just got home from working with him and things have been really bothering me lately. He's really been treating me like shit and really taking all of the hard work I do for granted recently. I also can't stop thinking about the sentence he said about his "friend", someone who he's clearly really good friends with. "He's just this fucking loser, with no friends." and all I can keep thinking is, well here I am trying so hard to be friends with Ben and hang out with him and stuff. So what the fuck does he really think of me?

Tonight, as soon as I could, I asked for my reports and give him the key. I planed on running out as soon as I was finished, but I didn't realize that I had more to do then I usually would, (the management is cutting staff and doubling responsibility for the staff during the week) so I was around him much more then I planed. When I gave him the key he looked shocked, because he knew it meant that I wasn't going to try to talk to him at all or give it to him at the end of the night, like I usually would. I guess he planed on having me hang from his fucking nuts all night. Fuck that shit!

(Side note, I found out that the "friend" has a girlfriend. So I guess it really is all about the drugs.)

[STRIKE]I'm really drunk right now, so I hope this all makes sense. Sorry.[/STRIKE]

 

[HockeyGuy89]

Just an update.

I just got home from working with him and things have been really bothering me lately. He's really been treating me like shit and really taking all of the hard work I do for granted recently. I also can't stop thinking about the sentence he said about his "friend", someone who he's clearly really good friends with. "He's just this fucking loser, with no friends." and all I can keep thinking is, well here I am trying so hard to be friends with Ben and hang out with him and stuff. So what the fuck does he really think of me?

This should be more then enough reason to move on.

 

[luvanal69]

He's a closet case, and sadly, hen talks shit about his lover to make himself look straight. This guy is a loser and no good. I know his type -- only drama! BEWARE@!!

 

[Bittersweet One]

This should be more then enough reason to move on.

Yup.

He's also one of my mangers, (yeah, I fucked up. He wasn't always a manger and at one point I out ranked him, pay wise.) so I have to keep it civil. I'm sure we will both live if I go back to only talking to or interacting with him for the bare minimum.

Closet case, druggie, mental case, fucking liar, whatever, I'm starting to care less and less.

I spent today with my friend that I've known since high school and it felt so good to be around somebody who actually likes and cares about me. His wife is very pregnant and he doesn't really get out too much now, so it was nice for him to get out as well.

 

[HunterM]

"Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds, and mars any heart
Not tough, nor strong enough
Take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain
Love hurts...ooh ooh love hurts"