A confusing guy

[Bittersweet One]

Ha ha, here we go.....

So today I decided to let him have it. I was all brave and like "fuck yeah, I'm totally doing this!", but when I was actually in the room with him it became very hard. Like I've said he becomes really defensive instantly.

Anyway. I told him that I feel like he's be treating me like crap recently (something that other employees have complained to me about). He got all bent out of shape and was like "I don't know what you're even talking about, give me an example." So I said, 'like when you said you were going to punch my face'. He just rolled his eyes and said "You want to think whatever you want, you're crazy!" We just sat shaking our heads at each other. Then I added, 'I just wish you would say sorry sometimes or even thanks'. He just gave me a dirty, sarcastic look.

Then I said "I also have this sentence that you said stuck in my head, 'He's just this fucking loser that has no friends', something you said about someone that is clearly your really good friend." He looked caught off guard and I could tell that the wheels were turning, I added 'I mean, if you think that about your best friend, what the hell do you think about me. I mean, I'm trying to be your friend and wanted to hang out with you. So what am I supposed to think?' He just said "Well, I don't even knew you." I said "Exactly.", but thought nice dodge there. Nice of you to turn it around on me and not actually answer my question.

The subject changed and I said that I wasn't mature enough or mentally capable of being his friend anymore. He looked so pissed and like he couldn't believe it. He just shook his head, smiling a bitter smile. I added, 'It sucks, cause I felt like we were actually friends this time and without all the bullshit like before and I don't want to walk away, but I just can't even do this anymore.' He said "Yeah, we were cool [while] here." which made me realize we were never going to hang out and it wasn't even going to be anything beyond talking to each other at work, which made me sad. I added 'I'm just not able to.....' I told him all I want is to stay professional. He said "Okay, whatever you want." He then said he was sorry if he made me feel bad or hurt my feelings in anyway.

I said I hoped he wasn't pissed, but of course he was. He disappeared for two hours. Then of course his 'friend' showed up later. I didn't think Ben would want him to come around in light of stuff, but nope. I saw them run down the hall. I know all of Ben's smoke spots and I took a gamble and went and stood beside a particular emergency exit he likes and listened. I could hear Ben yelling something to his friend (something like 'yeah, hurry', but angry) and then I could hear the sounds of inhaling through a bong. I was too scared to stay by the door, they were probably going to come through any minute and there I'd be (all of us caught).

Like five minutes later, I was talking to him like nothing happened, but kept it professional, mind you he's high as fuck (is weed that instant?). I had a problem that I genuinely didn't know how to solve and I needed him to show me and as I walked behind him I could smell the weed on him. He was being nice to me at this point, but 20 minutes later, he came off it.

Stuff kept coming up and I had to talk to him, but it was all work related. We closed tonight and and a couple minutes before we are about to leave he announces that our general manager is on his way and would probably be there really soon. I get a bit panicked and I say, "Wait, hold on. Wait." and he stops as I add "This isn't me caring okay, [STRIKE]but, it is.....[/STRIKE]" I lean in and smell him, with the intent of telling him if he was okay or not for when our general manger is coming. I nod and say "Okay....." He struts into the office with a small smile on his face.

I walk in a little after him and say "Look...." he interrupts with a huge grin on his face "Yeah Bitter?" I repeat "Look, when it comes down to it, really comes down to it, if you needed my help I have your back and I wouldn't let anything happen to you." His smile gets even bigger and he softly says "I know Bitter, I know." I laugh and say "I'm sorry I'm so fucking crazy." He laughs and says "Yeah, you are." I finish by saying "I just don't think I can do this, yeah know? I don't know....." He softly adds, "Yeah, I know. I've been there before. I know. Its okay...." We finish up whats left and leave right as our GM shows up.

[STRIKE]Who wants to bet a peso that we are friends again by next weekend?[/STRIKE]

I think I've come to the stage called "acceptance". I guess I needed this little freak out to help me really see the truth. We are never going to be friends like what I wanted. I don't do drugs and that is his entire life, so trying to be apart of that isn't possible.

I'm still a little jealous of his relationships with his friends, but I just have to remember that its all about drugs (or whatever). So, I have to stop caring. Whats the fucking point? Right, there isn't one! I also just really need to focus on the real friends that I have. So that's what I'm doing. Duh,

I feel much lighter and happier then I have in a while. The whole thing is just so, whatever to me now.

Anyway, I think I may have meet someone.

Exciting times ahead.

 

[Bittersweet One]

Oh My Fucking God!

So, I have to confess some stuff to you all. First of all, I have a gay friend in real life. I'm sure no one is upset about that. I'm going to call him Damian.

The other thing I must confess is that Ben's roommate isn't just his roommate. Or that's how they made it seem. Damian has opened my eyes so much, he basically ripped them out. (Some of you may yawn. Sorry this is going to be long!)

When I first heard of Ben I was told that Tim was his grandfather. Tim is an elderly man and he is friends with the person who used to run our company. Later it was amended and I was told that Tim is Ben's Godfather. Tim was our old GM. That's how Ben got hired.

No one questioned anything about it.

As you guys probably guessed, I've been crying to Damian a lot about all this bullshit.

So today, I was telling him about what had happened yesterday. He listened. Then after I was done he started to seriously hint at something between Ben and Tim. I was repulsed. Tim is very disgusting. I said "Come on!" and Damian shrugged. Through, things would make more sense. The running joke was that Tim liked little "dumb" white boys with blue eyes, that they were his favorite kind of boys. It seems it is true.

Damian kind of hesitated and really seemed like he had no intention of showing me. He explained "I went on this website (turns out to be craigslist) and saw a picture that looks just like Ben." I asked to see it, disbelieving him and he warned it was graphic, but I didn't care and he showed me. Its clearly Ben sitting on a recliner naked, leaning back and with his dick hard. He's making the same face I've seen him make in other pictures. Its his trademark look. He had his fists balled at his sides and he's trying to look hard, but 'sexy'. Ben has said that his dick is 8 inches and the picture looked accurate.

So I ask where it was posted, in m4m? Thinking it was Ben who posted it. He says "Well actually it was posted by someone who is older......." So I say "Tim!!!!?" He nods. It said 'someone looking for a younger guy to have fun with. He wanted someone who looks like this [picture of Ben], for an older man'. I'm shocked, I couldn't understand how this could happen. Damian says "Well they aren't related in any way, at all. So......" Then I ask, "But isn't Tim his Godfather?" to which Damian replies 'Yeah, but not by law or anything. In fact, Tim is 'Godfathers' to lots of other guys just like Ben (in fact, Tim hired seven guys just like Ben. Guys who were friends with Ben or even Tim). Ben's parents hate Tim." I say "They must realize whats happening." and he says "Well, they know for sure that he's an enabler and they hate him for it."

History lesson. Ben met Tim when he had graduated High School and got his first job, at which Tim was the General Manger. Ben's parents said "You need to clean up your act or get out!" The usual threat. I'm assuming that Tim 'figured out' (more like probably preyed on and studied) that Ben does drugs and must have said "If you want to live with me, I'll help you out and support you." So Ben jumped. Then at some point he must have suggested he do this nude photo shoot. I can only assume it has escalated from here. Ben must do a lot of drugs to do what he has to do, because Tim is a disgusting troll.

So I ask if Damian is going to say anything to Ben and he says "No, I'm way too embarrassed to say anything about this to anyone. I didn't even want to show you." I start to say that I can't understand how Ben can even do this and Damian says "I've been there. (He was a prostitute and drug addict) I felt like an empty shell and drugs were what I used to escape it. The thing you have to remember Bitter, is that Ben is an 'adult' and he's made his own decisions. If he wanted it to stop, he would make it stop." I shrugged. He said that Ben was doing what he had to to please the person paying for everything.

Now I guess I can add the friend into the mix. I'll call him Lee. I'm guessing, based on the fact the Lee appears to be able to just go into Ben's room without a problem, just walk through the front door, he must be in on whatever is happening. It would only be a matter of time if they were doing things for Tim's enjoyment or maybe it just went there because Ben's so used to doing that for Tim, like having a meaningful relationship was about doing drugs and sex.

Damian knows a lot about Ben because they connected on the drug level. Damian doesn't judge, but he just listens (and shakes his head). He told me today that he always thought there was something weird between Ben and Tim but just couldn't quite place it. As he found out more and more it, though Ben, it became much more clearer to him, but it wasn't until the picture and post showed up that he had any 'evidence'. He had always hinted at it to me, but I wouldn't hear it and he'd just say "Well, okay....."

Just in case, Damian is in a relationship with a guy and is committed to his boyfriend. He has tried to get the truth out of Ben, but thinks the only way he could really find out, is to throw himself at him, but won't do it because it'd be cheating. He told me he's pushed the envelope as much as he could (by asking open ended questions), but Ben still says he's straight. I do realize that some might think, "come on idiot, Ben just posed for the picture for Damian." but I don't know what Ben would get from it. Damian is clean and doesn't want anything to do with drugs anymore. I really believe that Damian wouldn't cheat. Really hot guys have hit on him and I've heard him say "Sorry, I'm taken!" The only part that I can't explain away is him looking on craigslist. The only thing I can guess is that its because of his past.

The most important thing I have to protect Damian from anyone who wants to doubts his intentions, he tells me to move on. He listens to me and feels sympathy, but tells me "You are so much better looking, you aren't a loser like him, you don't do drugs, you have nothing is common, he can't offer you anything and there isn't anything to be gained, etc." He goes to great lengths to make me see, through sometimes harsh words and analogy. He has the best intentions for me and I don't think he would lie about any of this. Everything I found out is based on what Ben has told him. I think we both know that it might not be true, but the pieces all fit. What person lets someone live with them, absolutely free and expects no payment what-so-ever. Yeah, drugs are a part of it, but the craigslist posting is just too much evidence. Unless Damian is lying (or for some fucked up demented reason Ben posted it himself.....).

So it does look like Tim was jealous of me getting closer to Ben. Tim always hated me because I'm not dumb, I wasn't something he could manipulate. Once he figured out I liked Ben, he tried to get rid of me, but there was nothing he could get on me. I literally did a perfect job. Then he hit me below the belt by making up stuff (girlfriend) and then telling me about Lee being over all the time. Scary shit man. Especially considering that the man has to be somewhere between 60 to 70.

At this point my heart is completely broken, but for different reasons now. I want to hold Ben and tell him I love him so much. I don't know when the last time he's heard that from someone. It also made me feel like shit once I realized that whenever I would joke with him sexually, he would just have zero reaction, be totally nonplussed, and this might be the reason why. What if its because he is always treated like a sexual object and not like a human being and here I am making him feel like he always feels at home. Its too hard for me to let go and realize that he made these decisions. I'm also disgusted to the core, what a horrible man Tim is. Exploiting vulnerable people. It hurts my heart so much. He's a very mentally messed up person now because of this, I'm sure. He's said so much to me, that in this context, makes much more sense.

I now have to act like I know nothing about any of this and its going to be very hard for me. I'm so sad, but this is what he chose.

Some times the truth is so cruel.