Nokturne
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2006
- Posts
- 38
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I don't even know where to begin.
I met my friend Matt back in...say...2001. I was new to Seattle and looking for friends (and more). We found each other online and have remained friends ever since. Our friendship/relationship is a curious one.
We've been sexually involved -- for sure. The sex was never great but often good. He is a lazy lay -- and frankly, I am not one for having to coax somebody into a (the) mood.
Matt is a strange fellow. He's rather plain in looks. This is not a bad thing -- but there isn't anything terribly remarkable about him. He's just an average joe -- but that was part of the appeal. I am so incredibly turned on by everyday men. The kind faces and slight guts. The awkwardness and chubby butts. He's cute but not gorgeous...and that's okay with me.
His personality is also quite simple. He seems to have no hobbies beyond the occasional travel venture. I tend to not trust people who don't have something to be passionate about -- whether it be painting, or drawing, or photography. Perhaps music or film. Charity even. So most of his time, it seems, is spent either at work or online.
Now that I no longer live in Seattle our time together is confined to internet only. We talk endlessly via instant messenger. We also do plenty of cam stuff. I adore his sense of adventure in this area. He'll put on shows for me. Wear a sexy jock and prance about. Play with his sex toys. One time I even convinced him to write my name on a piece of paper and hang it on his cock. Flattery will get you everywhere! He is a constant source of "fun" and he also allows me the chance to express myself sexually.
Recently I've noticed he's been in a rather sour mood. He's depressed. He wants so desperately to be loved. But like I said before -- there is nothing remarkable or "necessary" about him. This is not to say he isn't a quality person -- because he is, but I think in order to find a lover you need to have qualities that attract other people. Something beyond having a nice chunky ass (and that he does). Once the sex dies down, you need to have the ability to keep your mate engaged. Being there is not enough.
Well...the other day he told me that his boss was going to take him (and a few corworkers) out to dinner as a reward for hard work (or some shit). He then proceeds to tell me that the waitperson was flirting with him heavily. So he started flirting back -- for fun. He found this especially comical because the wait person was female. I was like...okay. I've seen gay men do this before, so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.
Until a few days ago...
I sign on to MSN Messsenger (now known as Windows Messenger). Matt was online and next to his screen name in my buddy list were the words "in a quandry". (nice five dollar word there Matt, pfft) I asked him what that meant and he tapped out the words -- it's a long story. Well, I didn't have time for a long story because I was on my way out to dinner and a movie. So I told him I would be back later -- and I was. I asked him again what he was talking about.
APPARENTLY for some bizarre reason he took a liking to that waitress. In a want to get to know her better -- maybe go on a date liking. I was like -- what the fuck??? At no point in my friendship with him has he EVER said anything about having bisexual tendencies. In fact, the idea of that man with a woman is laughable.
As he is telling me all this I just sat there scratching my head wondering how on earth he wound up at this bizarre crossroads. I just don't get it and...honestly, it pissed me off.
I decided to get in his face about it -- I wanted answers. I told him that he couldn't possibly be so bored and so lonely as a gay man that he has to turn to a woman for fulfillment. All this sudden turn will do is give those wack jobs on the religious right "proof" that being gay IS a choice. AND that is exactly what they want. The ability to further malign homosexuals. To continue the claims that gays (men in particular) choose dick over pussy (or vice versa) in the name of selfish perversion. Egads! This makes me hot in the face!
Of course this was all lost on him. He so badly wants to be adored that he now crazily follows anything that bats a lash in his direction. He told me that he wasn't sure what he was going to do but we would still be best buds. I begged to differ. And maybe it's just me being an asshole -- but if he started bagging a woman the dynamic of our friendship would change. There is no way it would survive. So much of our bond is based on our sexuality -- we are gay men who do gay things. Often together even if in a virtual/cyber sense. I simply refuse to accept him as a sudden straight person.
I think my hostile reaction is also based on the fact that I am now forced to consider myself and my gayness in this world. Maybe this is just one big charade and our homosexual natures aren't natural at all. What if this is just one big cosmic joke being played on the easily confused. Perhaps all it takes is the right woman to come along and pull that cock out of our mouths.
This is worrisome. You know...when I came out of the closet I knew gay life would be hard. It would be a test of strength. And now after all these years I am mostly unscathed. I've loved men and they have loved me. I have experienced heartache and regret. But at no point did I run scared from this life. This gay life. Maybe that's why Matt's dilemma is such a turn off for me. It reads as cowardly. His unwillingness to face this challenge ruins him completely for me. I wish I could explain the sense of betrayal I feel...but I can't.
It is likely that my close mindedness about this situation may end our friendship. But I am willing to take that risk.
I know he is not bisexual -- and this belief comes from the viscera. I've known bisexual men -- and mark my words, they never let you forget they ALSO like women. They wear it as a badge of honor. It's their trap door -- their way out. Claiming their bisexuality allows them to not feel emasculated even when ass up cock deep. He's never said word one about females beyond a platonic level. I have a hard time believing that he suddenly digs pussy. It just doesn't work that way.
I really should just put a cap on this rant. It just makes me angry all over again.
Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves.
Friedrich Nietzsche
I met my friend Matt back in...say...2001. I was new to Seattle and looking for friends (and more). We found each other online and have remained friends ever since. Our friendship/relationship is a curious one.
We've been sexually involved -- for sure. The sex was never great but often good. He is a lazy lay -- and frankly, I am not one for having to coax somebody into a (the) mood.
Matt is a strange fellow. He's rather plain in looks. This is not a bad thing -- but there isn't anything terribly remarkable about him. He's just an average joe -- but that was part of the appeal. I am so incredibly turned on by everyday men. The kind faces and slight guts. The awkwardness and chubby butts. He's cute but not gorgeous...and that's okay with me.
His personality is also quite simple. He seems to have no hobbies beyond the occasional travel venture. I tend to not trust people who don't have something to be passionate about -- whether it be painting, or drawing, or photography. Perhaps music or film. Charity even. So most of his time, it seems, is spent either at work or online.
Now that I no longer live in Seattle our time together is confined to internet only. We talk endlessly via instant messenger. We also do plenty of cam stuff. I adore his sense of adventure in this area. He'll put on shows for me. Wear a sexy jock and prance about. Play with his sex toys. One time I even convinced him to write my name on a piece of paper and hang it on his cock. Flattery will get you everywhere! He is a constant source of "fun" and he also allows me the chance to express myself sexually.
Recently I've noticed he's been in a rather sour mood. He's depressed. He wants so desperately to be loved. But like I said before -- there is nothing remarkable or "necessary" about him. This is not to say he isn't a quality person -- because he is, but I think in order to find a lover you need to have qualities that attract other people. Something beyond having a nice chunky ass (and that he does). Once the sex dies down, you need to have the ability to keep your mate engaged. Being there is not enough.
Well...the other day he told me that his boss was going to take him (and a few corworkers) out to dinner as a reward for hard work (or some shit). He then proceeds to tell me that the waitperson was flirting with him heavily. So he started flirting back -- for fun. He found this especially comical because the wait person was female. I was like...okay. I've seen gay men do this before, so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.
Until a few days ago...
I sign on to MSN Messsenger (now known as Windows Messenger). Matt was online and next to his screen name in my buddy list were the words "in a quandry". (nice five dollar word there Matt, pfft) I asked him what that meant and he tapped out the words -- it's a long story. Well, I didn't have time for a long story because I was on my way out to dinner and a movie. So I told him I would be back later -- and I was. I asked him again what he was talking about.
APPARENTLY for some bizarre reason he took a liking to that waitress. In a want to get to know her better -- maybe go on a date liking. I was like -- what the fuck??? At no point in my friendship with him has he EVER said anything about having bisexual tendencies. In fact, the idea of that man with a woman is laughable.
As he is telling me all this I just sat there scratching my head wondering how on earth he wound up at this bizarre crossroads. I just don't get it and...honestly, it pissed me off.
I decided to get in his face about it -- I wanted answers. I told him that he couldn't possibly be so bored and so lonely as a gay man that he has to turn to a woman for fulfillment. All this sudden turn will do is give those wack jobs on the religious right "proof" that being gay IS a choice. AND that is exactly what they want. The ability to further malign homosexuals. To continue the claims that gays (men in particular) choose dick over pussy (or vice versa) in the name of selfish perversion. Egads! This makes me hot in the face!
Of course this was all lost on him. He so badly wants to be adored that he now crazily follows anything that bats a lash in his direction. He told me that he wasn't sure what he was going to do but we would still be best buds. I begged to differ. And maybe it's just me being an asshole -- but if he started bagging a woman the dynamic of our friendship would change. There is no way it would survive. So much of our bond is based on our sexuality -- we are gay men who do gay things. Often together even if in a virtual/cyber sense. I simply refuse to accept him as a sudden straight person.
I think my hostile reaction is also based on the fact that I am now forced to consider myself and my gayness in this world. Maybe this is just one big charade and our homosexual natures aren't natural at all. What if this is just one big cosmic joke being played on the easily confused. Perhaps all it takes is the right woman to come along and pull that cock out of our mouths.
This is worrisome. You know...when I came out of the closet I knew gay life would be hard. It would be a test of strength. And now after all these years I am mostly unscathed. I've loved men and they have loved me. I have experienced heartache and regret. But at no point did I run scared from this life. This gay life. Maybe that's why Matt's dilemma is such a turn off for me. It reads as cowardly. His unwillingness to face this challenge ruins him completely for me. I wish I could explain the sense of betrayal I feel...but I can't.
It is likely that my close mindedness about this situation may end our friendship. But I am willing to take that risk.
I know he is not bisexual -- and this belief comes from the viscera. I've known bisexual men -- and mark my words, they never let you forget they ALSO like women. They wear it as a badge of honor. It's their trap door -- their way out. Claiming their bisexuality allows them to not feel emasculated even when ass up cock deep. He's never said word one about females beyond a platonic level. I have a hard time believing that he suddenly digs pussy. It just doesn't work that way.
I really should just put a cap on this rant. It just makes me angry all over again.
Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves.
Friedrich Nietzsche