A Different Kind of Dilemma

[simpsonsguy01]

OK so the first time I came out to someone was when I was 16, it was my then best friend who was cool with as were the other people I told at the time. I really have no issues telling new acquaintances of my orientation but I have yet to tell anyone in my family or connected to my family. I'm not scared to come out to them exactly, I think they will be fine with it, my problem is I don't want their perception of me to change, I don't want to become their "gay" brother/son/uncle...I don't want that to be the one characteristic that defines me..some people have a hard time not focusing on that one thing or making assumptions about you because you are gay. I want my family to see me as the same guy I've always been, just because I come out doesn't mean I'm going to be any gayer. I don't know if I'm crazy for thinking this but I have gone through it before, after I had told some friends started treating me "gayer" they thought I knew about fashion and a few other stereotypes but I'm not into that stuff so they would say "are you sure you're gay" I want to believe my family is above believing stereotypes but you can never tell a person's true feeling until they are in certain situations. I'm just not sure what to do.

 

[tipmyscales86]

I can relate exactly to what you are saying. Before I came out to my family, I was always worried about me being talked about as the "gay" one. Like my name coming up in conversation and the postscript always being "oh yeah, he's gay (puzzled looks)." I used to fear that, but now I embrace it. Back then I saw it as me being singled out for being different, or not normal from the rest...but I now I see it as being unique in a good way. A lot of my family now finds it fascinating to be able to talk to me about my sexuality. I became a more "interesting" person after opening up about it.

Here's another way to look at it. If you don't come out and let it go on for years, your family will instead be talking about "you know, he's like 30 and never brings a girl or a date over, does he have issues?" I always saw that kind of speculation as something that would hurt a lot more than the family just acknowledging that you're gay.

Oh, and the next time somebody says to you "You don't like fashion?! Are you sure you're gay?" Just be like, "I like cock. Does that count?"

 

[Sk8ter_Boy]

I think odds are they will make that assumption but the way I see it you should take it as a compliment, they are trying to relate to you and stereotypes are often the way people go. Eventually they will figure out you are not into those things and will lean away from that direction.

 

[KaraBulut]

Underlying all of this is a touch of homophobia. If they were to refer to you as "my lawyer brother" or "my jewish uncle" or "my republican son", it would only be offensive or unwanted if you felt that being a lawyer, jewish or a republican were somehow a negative thing.

You are gay. And there's nothing wrong with it. If there's stereotypes that are associated with the word "gay" then the only way those stereotypes will change is if more gay people are open and say, "I'm gay and the stereotype is not me".

 

[Echoes]

you can't really control that, unfortunately people tend to have stereotypes and try to match it with the person that fits better. However, that doesn't have to be the way your family see you, you'll never know if you don't try. I kind of lived a similar situation when I was working in a school and suddenly everybody found out I was gay, I was never again seen the same way. From the "whatever teacher" I became the "gay teacher" as if we call every person straight before his profession i.e, like the straight lawyer or the straight engineer, and so forth. It's difficult to deal with that because I couldn't do much to change it, but with your family is different you can tell them exactly the same things you wrote on this thread, be honest with them and tell them that being gay doesn't change anything in you as a person, you are still the same son, brother, etc.

hope everything goes well.

 

[Lube]

I can relate exactly to what you are saying. Before I came out to my family, I was always worried about me being talked about as the "gay" one. Like my name coming up in conversation and the postscript always being "oh yeah, he's gay (puzzled looks)." I used to fear that, but now I embrace it. Back then I saw it as me being singled out for being different, or not normal from the rest...but I now I see it as being unique in a good way. A lot of my family now finds it fascinating to be able to talk to me about my sexuality. I became a more "interesting" person after opening up about it.

Here's another way to look at it. If you don't come out and let it go on for years, your family will instead be talking about "you know, he's like 30 and never brings a girl or a date over, does he have issues?" I always saw that kind of speculation as something that would hurt a lot more than the family just acknowledging that you're gay.

Oh, and the next time somebody says to you "You don't like fashion?! Are you sure you're gay?" Just be like, "I like cock. Does that count?"

I love this advice!

It's sorta the flip side of what KataBulut is saying: tipmyscales is happy with himself, so he embraces his gayness rather than being afraid of it.

Give it some time. You will get more comfortable being gay.

I initially feared but now totally embrace my gayness. On Facebook, my extended family sees my friends' comments and mine, and some are pretty stereotypical and some aren't. We're Italian and food is a big thing with us, and I post as much about food as I do about anything gay. So they see I haven't changed after coming out, I'm still the same person. But then I'm sure they long suspected I was gay. So what? I certainly do fit some of the stereotypes, and I'm ok with that because I love myself (some JUBbers might say, too much!).

 

[simpsonsguy01]

Thanks for your input everyone, I know the only way I'll truly know is if I just tell them and be open with how I feel about it. I'm not sure when I will since there are a couple other hurdles in my way but I feel better about doing it now.