A friend I've been crushing on for the past 2 years broke up with his boyfriend ...

[lurker]

... should I make my move?

I'm 22 and he's 24. This was my friend's first gay relationship but the relationship lasted about a few years. That's a lot of time, in my opinion!

I met this guy late 2009, and it was really... to be honest: lust at first sight. I didn't make a move on him then because I knew he had a boyfriend. I never met the boyfriend, though.

However, we gradually became closer and closer friends over the last 2 years. This friend I speak of is gay and he's out (although when I first met him I thought he was straight). We would constantly hang out with mutual friends, but only very recently have we been hanging out with just the two of us.

Just yesterday, over a lunch date with just the two of us, he told me stories of his ex for the first time and how they broke up, and how he misses him sometimes, but my friend said he finally moved on. He went on to say that he deleted every picture of his ex, un-added him as a friend on every social networking site they were on together, and virtually (in all senses of the word) deleted his ex from his life.

I felt weird asking him about his ex, though, I felt like I was listening to information I shouldn't be and that I was probing him for too much personal information but he said he didn't mind at all. I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he said he was ready to move on, even though he admits to thinking about him still.

They officially broke up around Valentine's day this year, so about a little over a month ago.

Would it be weird and too soon if I told him all of a sudden that I liked him and potentially wanted a relationship with him? I'm gonna admit that I've fallen into that "friend" zone over the 2 years I've known him and stuff like sex never, ever came up between us.

... but he's single now! I want him, we get along, we're friends ... nothing's stopping me from telling him that I like him, right?

I dunno, I'm just scared that things will get awkward. I really don't want that to happen.

Any advice, guys?

 

[Smitho]

Rather than starting a whole official relationship, why not just have sex with the guy and take it from there? You are friends, hanging out etc, you don't want to be to much of a rebound guy, but you don't want anyone else getting in first, if I read it right.

I think sex would show what you want without pressure of a relationship, a kind of middle ground till he gets over the ex and is ready to move on. Which will take a couple of months at the least.

 

[hotb0d]

wait a few more months. Test out the water. I don't know if you want to be the rebound guy.

 

[lurker]

Won't sex make it awkward though? I'm still in lust with this guy but after getting to know him for two years on a friend-only basis, I feel he's more of a friend now than just another potential hookup. We're not at "best friend" level or anything, but we're getting to the point where we're starting to become friends. Like, legit friends: friends that hang out with each other for the sole purpose of hanging out, telling each other secrets, etc. Probably not to have sex, though he might be open to that idea ... don't get me wrong, I hella want to have sex with him, but then there's the whole myth about the "friend zone" thing that I'm worried about.

(speaking of being open to the idea of sex, he has told me, on the same day that he told me about his ex, that he was in an "experimental phase" when he turned 18, because he started becoming attracted to guys then. He'd go out and have casual sex a lot through the internet, without telling anyone. He said this probably was the root of his trust issues with his ex, because when they first dated my friend said he didn't really know they were an item yet, LOL. He said trust issues were the reason for their break-up. But now that he's moving on, he'd like to return to that "freedom" as soon as he graduates college in about 4 months... he kinda turned me on when he told me this story, lol.)

Now I'm gonna admit, I've never been in a serious relationship before, let alone a same sex relationship. Deep down I just really want my first one to be with him, simply because he's a guy I've been crushing on, and I just think that fate is finally allowing us to hang out more and become closer to each other. I want to take advantage of this. As much as I do want to have sex with him, I don't want to become a "rebound guy" - I want to be his boyfriend! It's just that little fantasy in my head that says "oh my gosh, my dream of having him as my boyfriend might potentially become a reality now, if I just play my cards right..." I just really enjoy my company with him, his jokes make me laugh, and like I've said before, I've never been in a gay relationship. I just honestly want to know what that feels like, and I feel like for the first time in my life, this could be the right guy. And with the way our friendship has been going so far, it might work out if I tell him I like him.

... I don't know. Personally I think going into another relationship only a month after the first one ended might be way too soon. Plus I don't want our friendship to stop abruptly because of possible awkwardness just because I said I had a crush on him that has been building up for 2 years. I will follow your guys' advice on waiting a little bit more, but I don't know how long I should wait.

 

[HunterM]

1. It was lust at first sight.
2. He is single now and moving on with life.
3. You want him.
4. You need to make your move!

Start making subtle moves...like flirting with him. Be playful. Otherwise, part of his "moving on" could include dating other people without you. Everyone wants to have fun. Be playful and not be too serious all the time. Here's your chance to be his BEST FRIEND. Your mission is to help him forget about his ex and forget about dating other people.

Plan a weekend trip to another city and share a hotel room. Tell him you're helping him to celebrate his new chapter in life. Be assertive. "Let's go away for the weekend to celebrate a new leash in life. Let's have fun!" It could be a road trip or a plane trip. If I were you, I would offer to pay for the hotel rooms. You want to make it easier for him to say yes. Then you and him could split the rest of the travel expenses. Be the leader and plan out the trip.

Yeah...you maybe his rebound guy. So what? You have been lusting him for a long time. You want him, right? Go after him. If you don't want to be his rebound guy, guess what? It will be somebody else. Relationships come and go in everyone's twenties. Once he started a serious relationship with someone else, you're out of his radar for a sexual/romantic relationship. Is this what you want to happen?

If not, sieze this opportunity. Keep planning activities for you two to do together for the next 2 months. Remember, your mission is to help him forget about his ex and forget about dating someone else. You want him to know that you are a GREAT guy! A month later, let him know you want a romantic relationship with him.

Start making your move and HAVE FUN!

 

[altlover85]

I wouldn't put any expectations on things. I would have fun, flirt, and if something comes of it, great! If not, you still have your friendship. Also remember that he is done with college in 4 months, so that may impact any relationship, if things go in that direction.

Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

Relationships are powerful and it would not be surprising that they would get back together. If you two have sex and they get back together it's likely he'd tell the bf and if I were the bf I'd insist he'd never see you again.

 

[Croynan]

... should I make my move?

I'm 22 and he's 24. This was my friend's first gay relationship but the relationship lasted about a few years. That's a lot of time, in my opinion!eI met this guy late 2009, and it was really... to be honest: lust at first sight. I didn't make a move on him then because I knew he had a boyfriend. I never met the boyfriend, though.

However, we gradually became closer and closer friends over the last 2 years. This friend I speak of is gay and he's out (although when I first met him I thought he was straight). We would constantly hang out with mutual friends, but only very recently have we been hanging out with just the two of us.

Just yesterday, over a lunch date with just the two of us, he told me stories of his ex for the first time and how they broke up, and how he misses him sometimes, but my friend said he finally moved on. He went on to say that he deleted every picture of his ex, un-added him as a friend on every social networking site they were on together, and virtually (in all senses of the word) deleted his ex from his life.

I felt weird asking him about his ex, though, I felt like I was listening to information I shouldn't be and that I was probing him for too much personal information but he said he didn't mind at all. I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he said he was ready to move on, even though he admits to thinking about him still.

They officially broke up around Valentine's day this year, so about a little over a month ago.

Would it be weird and too soon if I told him all of a sudden that I liked him and potentially wanted a relationship with him? I'm gonna admit that I've fallen into that "friend" zone over the 2 years I've known him and stuff like sex never, ever came up between us.

... but he's single now! I want him, we get along, we're friends ... nothing's stopping me from telling him that I like him, right?

I dunno, I'm just scared that things will get awkward. I really don't want that to happen.

Any advice, guys?

if that's acceptable (time period) to you as enough time for a relationship to exist, me thinkith you need to re-examine what the term relationship means and what is involved in establishing and maintaining one.

maybe you should be looking at an acquaintanceship instead of a relationship.

ac·quain·tance (-kwntns)
n.
1.
a. Knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

eM.

 

[swerve]

Dude...

Maybe he needs a FRIEND right now...

Not someone PRETENDING to be a friend while devising plots to get him into bed...

 

[altlover85]

Dude...

Maybe he needs a FRIEND right now...

Not someone PRETENDING to be a friend while devising plots to get him into bed...

I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that he's just pretending to be a friend.

There's a lot of harshness aimed at the OP, IMO.

 

[Centexfarmer]

... should I make my move?

I'm 22 and he's 24. This was my friend's first gay relationship but the relationship lasted about a few years. That's a lot of time, in my opinion!

I met this guy late 2009, and it was really... to be honest: lust at first sight. I didn't make a move on him then because I knew he had a boyfriend. I never met the boyfriend, though.

However, we gradually became closer and closer friends over the last 2 years. This friend I speak of is gay and he's out (although when I first met him I thought he was straight). We would constantly hang out with mutual friends, but only very recently have we been hanging out with just the two of us.

Just yesterday, over a lunch date with just the two of us, he told me stories of his ex for the first time and how they broke up, and how he misses him sometimes, but my friend said he finally moved on. He went on to say that he deleted every picture of his ex, un-added him as a friend on every social networking site they were on together, and virtually (in all senses of the word) deleted his ex from his life.

I felt weird asking him about his ex, though, I felt like I was listening to information I shouldn't be and that I was probing him for too much personal information but he said he didn't mind at all. I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he said he was ready to move on, even though he admits to thinking about him still.

They officially broke up around Valentine's day this year, so about a little over a month ago.

Would it be weird and too soon if I told him all of a sudden that I liked him and potentially wanted a relationship with him? I'm gonna admit that I've fallen into that "friend" zone over the 2 years I've known him and stuff like sex never, ever came up between us.

... but he's single now! I want him, we get along, we're friends ... nothing's stopping me from telling him that I like him, right?

I dunno, I'm just scared that things will get awkward. I really don't want that to happen.

Any advice, guys?

No. There's absolutely nothing stopping you.

So why don't you share with him what you've just shared here with us?

Let him decide, after you've shared your feelings with him, where he'd like to take this and whether he's willing to share his feelings about you.

Maybe he's really not ready to be in another relationship right out of the gate.

Maybe what he really needs right now is a friend, and you seem to have found yourself in that position.

I'd probably just ask him, "Have you ever thought about me as a someone that you might want to be in a relationship with?"

Sounds to me like you've got the friendship part down, and in my experience I'll always take having someone's friendship over their being an ex-lover or ex-friend any day.

Share how you feel about your friend with him, and let him help decide where this goes.

And don't expect an immediate response either positive/negative, and don't expect things to happen exactly the way that you want them too.

Just plant the seed and see whether it takes root.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I have a question. Has he given you any hints that he's found you attractive and wanting as well? Do you know that this isn't just one-sided?

Even if he does find you attractive, I would give you a word of caution. He's on the rebound. He's dealing with a lot of post-breakup emotional issues. He's ready to move on, but that doesn't mean he is a whole person yet. You might just be a fling that makes him feel guilty about your friendship afterwards.

There's no moral wrong in trying, just be aware of the potential consequences.

 

[lurker]

if that's acceptable (time period) to you as enough time for a relationship to exist, me thinkith you need to re-examine what the term relationship means and what is involved in establishing and maintaining one.

maybe you should be looking at an acquaintanceship instead of a relationship.

ac·quain·tance (-kwntns)
n.
1.
a. Knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

eM.

Sorry, I think you misunderstood my post. I meant his relationship with his ex lasted for a few years, that was his first gay relationship, and that in itself was a long time. I was trying to point out his ex relationship, not my relationship with my friend: I've only known my friend for 2 years.

Dude...

Maybe he needs a FRIEND right now...

Not someone PRETENDING to be a friend while devising plots to get him into bed...

Seriously, pretending to be a friend? I care deeply about this guy. I'm not "devising plots to get him into bed," I'm just admitting that I'm attracted to him. I also just want to know how to go about getting closer to the guy because we're becoming closer friends. I'm sorry if you don't believe that.

No. There's absolutely nothing stopping you.

So why don't you share with him what you've just shared here with us?

I'm just afraid how he'll react. That's all. I'm trying to find a time and place to get him alone and tell him everything I feel.

I'd probably just ask him, "Have you ever thought about me as a someone that you might want to be in a relationship with?"

Sounds to me like you've got the friendship part down, and in my experience I'll always take having someone's friendship over their being an ex-lover or ex-friend any day.

Share how you feel about your friend with him, and let him help decide where this goes.

And don't expect an immediate response either positive/negative, and don't expect things to happen exactly the way that you want them too.

Just plant the seed and see whether it takes root.

Thank you, I appreciate this. I like that question too: that question is direct enough for me to find out if I'm relationship-material to him ... but I might use that as a follow up to me simply telling him that I like him as more than a friend. I think he should find out my feelings first, and then I'll go into that question.

I have a question. Has he given you any hints that he's found you attractive and wanting as well? Do you know that this isn't just one-sided?

Well ever since I've known him, we're very touchy with each other, so I think the attraction has always been there. But I've been worried about this. He may be attracted to me but what if he just sees me as a friend? I want to break through that barrier.

Even if he does find you attractive, I would give you a word of caution. He's on the rebound. He's dealing with a lot of post-breakup emotional issues. He's ready to move on, but that doesn't mean he is a whole person yet. You might just be a fling that makes him feel guilty about your friendship afterwards.

There's no moral wrong in trying, just be aware of the potential consequences.

I truly appreciate the word of advice. I will be careful.

 

[lurker]

Yeah...you maybe his rebound guy. So what? You have been lusting him for a long time. You want him, right? Go after him. If you don't want to be his rebound guy, guess what? It will be somebody else. Relationships come and go in everyone's twenties. Once he started a serious relationship with someone else, you're out of his radar for a sexual/romantic relationship. Is this what you want to happen?

If not, sieze this opportunity. Keep planning activities for you two to do together for the next 2 months. Remember, your mission is to help him forget about his ex and forget about dating someone else. You want him to know that you are a GREAT guy! A month later, let him know you want a romantic relationship with him.

Start making your move and HAVE FUN!

Reading this just seriously put a smile on my face and gave me a bit more confidence to tell him everything. Thank you.

I will update you guys on what my friend says after I tell him everything.

(edit: apologies for the double post, I thought it'd merge with my last post...)

 

[HunterM]

Go after him! But you gotta have a game plan.

1. Be playful. Don't get too serious that you might scare him off.
2. Invite him out to a festive bar drinking (not a quiet dinner for two ). The noisier the bar (with crowded people or music playing in the background) the better it is for you to be playful & flirt with him. Because of the noise in the environment, you would have to lean in closer to him when speaking so he can hear what you're saying. You're testing the water to see how he would react to you as his personal space is closing in.
3. Start the conversation subtly. Don't spill all your emotions at him. Don't tell him everything all at once. Tell him that you enjoy his company. Compliment him on some of his traits. Something like "What I love about you is your attitude. You're more mature than most guys I know." Crack a joke or two with people or things happening around you at the bar.
4. Be playful and don't get too serious 'cause you might scare him off. Keep the conversation light and lively.
5. Be generous! Buy him a drink or two.
6. If it looks as if you two are having a good time, tell him explicitly that you love his company and say "we should do this more often. I miss hanging out with you."
7. Set the next date before the end of the night.

Most importantly, HAVE FUN!

 

[swerve]

There's a lot of harshness aimed at the OP, IMO.

I'm am the LEAST HARSH person you could come across...

NOR am I presumptuous...

Your POST is TOTALLY AGAINST the JUB COC -- because it is IRRELEVANT, INACCURATE and more importantly -- OFF TOPIC!!!

Just like THIS post...

 

[terps420]

I'll give you the same advice that I would follow in your situation:

BE PLAYFUL BUT ALOOF. PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. DO NOT LET HIM HAVE YOU EMOTIONALLY UNTIL AFTER YOU ALREADY HAVE HIM EMOTIONALLY.

BE FUN. BE LIVELY. BE THE COLOR IN HIS VERY GREY WORLD. DRINK ENERGY DRINKS BEFORE YOU HANG OUT WITH HIM. IT'S SUBTLE AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT PEOPLE NEVER NOTICE, BUT ENERGY IS ONE OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE TRAITS ANYONE CAN HAVE. BE CLEARLY MORE ENERGETIC THAN YOU'VE BEEN WITH HIM IN THE PAST, THAT WAY HE WILL BEGIN TO SEE YOU IN A NEW, BETTER LIGHT.

 

[maxpowr9]

God, this exactly sounds like me (almost)!!!

I broke up with my ex of about 2 years in January and this other guy who I had a crush on high school basically got in touch with me shortly after and we started dating. It was a little creepy at first because I hadn't spoken to him since the HS reunion (and usually when people want to talk to you after a while, they want to either boast or ask for something). However, my current BF has changed a lot since HS and we get along so far.

My two concerns are that you have been in the "friend" zone for all that time and it may be tough for you to make that transition. Unless he is giving any inclination of sexual interest in you, I wouldn't advance it any further. Yes, two gay guys can dish about their ex-es and not want to jump each others' bones. Secondly, the fact that you never met his ex, makes me think that you are not even that close to him as you think you are. Two years is a decent amount of time for a relationship and I would think that he would at the very least introduce you to him. All my friends met my ex-BF in the 2 years we were dating.

 

[lurker]

I just want to provide an update to this thread ...

... so I talked to him finally. To summarize this in the shortest way possible, he basically told me that he only sees me as a friend, and with scars from his ex and with pressure from school and trying to graduate, he told me he's not looking for anything.

I asked him if he was open to the possibility of dating, but he provided me with the same answer.

I'm a little hurt, but in the same conversation after he rejected me, he apologized profusely if he ever led me on, and wanted to make sure that I wasn't feeling any feelings that would lead me to believe that we would get together ever.

This happened literally yesterday and it still stings a little. I even saw him today and I have to be honest it was a bit awkward but we were civil about it.

Oh well. :[

 

[USEDCAR]

You end up being the rebound guy and i bet you a 100 dollars they will get back together