A lil help.....

[idkaboutit]

Hello All,

This actually my first post on JUB. I've been apart of this community for a year or so. Anyways to the point. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. We've been relatively fast on things, and that's in a good way. We met when he wasn't totally out to his mom, I could definitely tell it put a wrench on our relationship. As our relationship progressed, his mom knew we were more then "friends". I tried helping him with telling her about us, but it didn't really work. One day I showed up and she finally knew we were a couple. He's always been a mamas boy, and that makes me feel...well I don't know what it makes me feel, but not good. She definitely tends to control his life, he is 20 years old. I try to tell him its time to make his own decisions but, it doesn't really make him do so. Seven months in, and there are times when my heart just aches. I don't know what to do about his mom, she creates a barrier between me and him. Since's he's on Winter Break in school, we haven't been able to see each other except once, and that was because I surprised him. When I asked him to do something out of the ordinary, I always get the response "My mom would kill me" or "She wouldn't let me do this". We had been talking about what the plans for the next year, he brought up that he would love to get an apartment with me, but his response was "My mom wouldn't let me". I don't know what to do at this point, all it does it make me angry when he brings up his mom. Anyone have advice for me? Thanks

 

[AstareGod]

Welcome to JUB!

I can think of two reasons this situation is the way it is - he either feels he needs her approval or permission to make big decisions in his life, or he is financially dependent on her and doesn't want to make her angry, lest he lose a source of his income. Either way, his mom sounds very controlling, and he lets her control him. You're left to compromise every time, and that's not a very fair position to be in.

Unfortunately, with you two moving so quickly, you didn't have time to see the family dynamics. Sometimes those things aren't as apparent until you've known someone for a while.

If his mom keeps being like this, you may have to take a step back and take a break if you think you need someone more independent and able to make decisions on his own. You'll continue being frustrated the longer this situation goes on. It can be hard to talk to him about it because this has likely been a pattern for his entire life, but hopefully you can find a way to bring it up in a civil conversation.

Do you know any other members of his family? Is his father still in the picture? Hopefully you can talk to someone else and explain the situation to them, but this may take some time. You have to be patient if you want this to work out. If you don't think it's worth it, it may be time to start figuring out how to distance yourself and move on.

Best of luck whatever happens!

 

[bruce379]

It is so typical in these kinds of situations that I have a ready answer for it. I have known friends in your kind of situation before. A friend of mine realized early on that unless and until he moves out of the house, finishes his college degree, gets a stable job and is able to live independently by himself, the best he can do is only do secret liaisons all the time.

When you are living in somebody else's house, his mom in this case, the owner of the house makes the rules to a certain degree.

So, until and unless he can live independently, you both live together independently away from your parents and are able to support yourselves, you will always be dependent children. There are no two ways about it. Finish what is important: school. And get a job then move out.

 

[idkaboutit]

The thing is, I love him....a lot. And I will always be there for him. This doesn't make me love any less. His father passed away when he was younger and I don't know of any family members. But he has made progress with his mom. But I don't see very much improvement. He doesn't "live" with her since he goes to school where I live. I sometimes think im selfish for feeling this way. He always tells me it takes time, but im afraid its gonna push me away too soon.

 

[bruce379]

The thing is, I love him....a lot. And I will always be there for him. This doesn't make me love any less. His father passed away when he was younger and I don't know of any family members. But he has made progress with his mom. But I don't see very much improvement. He doesn't "live" with her since he goes to school where I live. I sometimes think im selfish for feeling this way. He always tells me it takes time, but im afraid its gonna push me away too soon.

He's young for crying out loud. Of course, expect this. I don't doubt that you love him. There is a level of infatuation at this point. Everyone experiences this I suppose. Stay with it and be a little understanding and patient. And like I said before, the sooner you finish school and find a job and live independently, you will always have issues.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I have a cousin like this. His mom won't let him grow up because she's dependant on him, and in turn he can't think indepeadently for himself.

I could definitely see where you and her would butt heads vying for control and his attention.

Not sure what kind of advice to offer... ultimately HE has to be the one to break the cycle when/if he's ready.

In the mean time suck up to her and stay on her good side.

 

[dragon08]

Ok the first step if you want to see some improvement is that he needs to officially come out to her. She can probably guess but you guys need to lay it all out on the table. After that things might get better. He is probably still in that hiding stage. Regardless as to whether he lives in a dorm, he still goes back home and stuff for breaks and holidays so he still lives with his mom.

He also sounds financially dependant, if his mom is paying the bills then she should have some say in his life. (Unless she's entirely unreasonable or bigoted)

I don't think he really knows exactly what she would say, he hasn't even given her the chance to have an opinion because he's still in the closet mindset.
She just might surprise you guys.

Try to let him come out to her explain EXACTLY who you are and work on it from there.

 

[idkaboutit93]

Thanks guys!

 

[bankside]

He's 20? I would be worried about this if he was 30. Actually I would be worried about this if he was 25, I would be leaving him if he was 30. At 20 years old it is normal for our parents to have a significant place in our lives, even when they are low-key and unobtrusive. When a parent is a bit overbearing it is just going to take longer for a person to get fully on their own track.

What do you want out of this? Three years from now would you really care if it took him another year to stop giving his mom a veto over his decisions? You're looking for signs of his independence because it relates to maturity and normal adulthood. But maturity and normal adulthood also means realizing that it takes other people time to change and grow, and you're better off respecting that and being supportive rather than worrisome or negative.

It's good if you can sometimes challenge him to go beyond his comfort zone; that's what good boyfriends do. But he's a young guy and his attitude is fairly normal for someone from an average family, never mind one with a parent who is a bit controlling. Recognize that you got to that stage first in your life, and no two people in any relationship will always be in the same place at the same time. No two people will always be able to keep up with each other perfectly in every area of life. You are leading the way on the parental independence front. When you are not good at something or when you struggle with a challenge, how do you like to be treated by someone who is good at those things? Let that be your guide.

 

[HunterM]

He's not going to be independent and strong when he cannot support himself financially to live away from home. This is normal for kids at that age. They are still under the influence of their parents...especially when they still live together.

You are fighting a losing battle. Here are your options:
- Reset your expectation out of this relationship. It is what it is. Accept it.
- Or be his sugar daddy. Help him financially to move out and pay for his school so he does not have to depend on his family for support.
- Or find someone else who is already independent financially & emotionally. Find someone who is already out of the closet.

 

[Seasoned]

It doesn't seem as though she's going to let go of him easily. He's been set up to provide her emotional support and be guilt tripped into doing so. Nothing you do will change this. He has a struggle ahead of him, but it's up to him to find solutions and that won't happen by you telling him she's unreasonable. That is something he'll have to figure out for himself.

 

[altlover85]

He's young and I think this is par for the course. I also know from experience that someone forcing their boyfriend to be independent earlier than you want to be (or making it so you are dependent on them) has the possibility of causing resentment in the one who is being forced to change. This was certainly the case for me in my first relationship. I truly wish my ex had given me more time to come to terms with my relationship with my mom because all it did was strain the relationship for everyone because I wasn't ready to push back against her and when I did, it just made me resentful of him and her because it wasn't what I was ready for at the time.