A little overwhelmed...

[JustStephen]

Hey everyone...I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, but I need to say it to someone other than myself.

Life has been tough recently, I'm twenty, in college, and gay but closeted (but thats not the point of this post, just there for reference and context)

Anyway, I suppose the point is that I feel utterly alone. I have friends, many I care deeply about, but none that I feel like I can really talk to. Unfortunately, or fortunately I suppose, the feeling is not mutual. I'm the one everybody comes to for advice, for support, etc. This in itself is funny since I've never had a girlfriend, boyfriend or anything in between (between us, I'm still waiting for my first kiss; what can I say, I still think these things hold value.)

Recently two of the very good friends broke up. These are friends that I've known since the beginning of college--they've been going out for a year and half, and he pretty much blindsided her (well, me too, but I had figured this would happen at some point since the beginning). Now I'm on the fence, on one hand I understand his reasons; on the other hand, it really hurts seeing her cry. I don't want to loose either of them, but at the same time I cant be the middleman; I've made that clear.

Another friend of mine is slowly killing himself, not suicide, but by his nature, by his choice. He looks to me to keep him accountable...not an easy task when he values himself very little.

In the end, I feel like I'm left holding all these people together, trying to help them through whatever it is they face. The funny thing, is for some reason I don't expect it of them. I don't expect them to be there when I break down (which given the way things are going...might be sooner than later), I don't expect them to provide support (though I crave it). I feel like I want their happiness above mine. I know more about them then they could guess about me. Its not a stretch to say that I'm really good at bottling things up (lots and lots of well built soul shelves) and doign whats needed, but it takes a lot out of you.

I suppose that their is a reason I mentioned being gay, and thats because I am also craving a relationship, though I've never had one. I want the support of someone walking beside me. I want a relationship where we lean on each other. Perhaps its idealistic. Perhaps not.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. If it comes across that I'm not happy, thats not exactly the case. I'm human, and sometimes we need to vent. More or less this is that. So there we go, I hope this made sense, and if not, well I tried. Tomorrow is another day, and perhaps it will be brighter.

All the best,

Stephen

 

[krfflyer]

Stephen - Thanks for your post, I'm sorry your "gay" life isn't where you wish it would be, but that may just be a matter of timing. I'll address that later. First, though, I'd like you to be aware of the fact that you are a first-class friend, and that is why your friends lean on you for support and approach you with their problems. They obviously see you for the caring, thoughtful person you are, I would like to commend you on that...it is an important character trait for anyone, but one that few enough have. Please continue to be that person, and to be there for your friends. You must offer worthy advice. The fact that you have removed yourself from the relationship issue between your two other friends shows that you are wise.

Your desire to have a full relationship with another, and your discernment in requiring that it be someone of high(er) quality, who shares your values and respects commitment, is not unrealistic. In fact, it is correct. However, it may take you a while before you meet that person. "Hook-Ups" are everywhere, but a true rapport with another man requires an investment in time and thought and is well worth the extra "work".

First kisses are important, and shouldn't be with just anyone. Who wants to kiss a lot of frogs looking for a prince? Leave the fairy-tale nonsense for those who are just stumbling through.

I wish you luck and patience.

 

[JustStephen]

Thanks for the response krfflyer; I really appreciate it.

 

[KingofFaeries]

I find myself in you juststephen. When I was in school. I was the one people came to for advice. I was the glue that held my group together.

One of the reasons you feel that you feel like you know them better than they could know you is prolly because you are in the closet. When we hide a part of ourselves we always feel a little excluded when the people we care for the most don't notice that a piece of us is missing.

As to not expecting them to support you why is that? In my experience my friends supported me in my choices they couldn't offer the same degree of advice that I offered them, but their outside perspective helped none the less. A little trust in your friends can go along way.

As for the craving a relationship. Sorry I don't have any advice about this. I'm alone as well.

Anyway good luck, stiff upper lip and all that jazz.

 

[JustStephen]

As to not expecting them to support you why is that? In my experience my friends supported me in my choices they couldn't offer the same degree of advice that I offered them, but their outside perspective helped none the less. A little trust in your friends can go along way.

I'm working on figuring this out because I'm not exactly sure why. Its not that I don't think they would if I asked; I think the root of the problem lies in me not asking for help when I should, and for whatever reasons not trusting others enough (I can be a wee bit stubborn ). I have to get to a place where I know that I don't have to carry any burden alone, which you are right, might should start with me coming out.

hmm...yeah....lots of thinking to do, which is good because I do that well haha.

Anyway, thanks for you thoughts!

Stephen

 

[soneric2003]

Hey Stephen, I'm in the exact same boat as you. Just turned 21, in college, and not out to anyone. Haven't had a real relationship and I just want to explore myself and meet people while I'm still young and in college...just scared shitless of what might happen if people find out. It took me a while to even just sign up for this forum.

Seems like you're a great friend, and it takes a loyal and strong person to deal with other peoples issues. Just don't let it completely distract you from making yourself happy.

I know its hard not being out to friends and family. Just know you're not the only one dealing with it, and that hopefully things will turn out okay in time.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey mate,

At the risk of following Huntneo and turning this into a thread dominated by mods which sometimes can have a negative effect, I wanted to ask you something... something a little personal I guess.

It seems to me that you are a very empathic person, a caring person who intentionally or otherwise takes on others burdens, and sees himself as a carer or ends up being one anyway. The glue if you like and the one who tries desperately to put the pieces back together for everyone else at his own personal expense.

And conversely, craves privately for someone to do the same for him but rejects any efforts people make for either embarrassment or feeling like a burden for others.

So given that, the question. Or perhaps 2.

How easily do you trust others, and why is your self belief so shallow?

Mate... I cant help but get the feeling that theres something troubling you that's deeper than it seems.

And whatever it is you need to deal with it, and soon.

Because, theres no one on earth more deserving of the same attention you give others than you. Theres no one in more need of an ear and someone who understands than you. Theres no one else who has earned the right to a friendship thats so deep and trusting that you can share ANY secret than you.

And none of that is because your Superman or the greatest guy on earth. Its simply because you are you. Caring, loyal, sympathetic, compassionate and understanding. A friend who can be relied on and... trusted. And is.

Stephen, you are worthy. You are one of the good guys no matter whats happened or what you may think of yourself. You are kind spirited and despite any judgements you have made about your own worth, others see more than that and deserve the right to choose to return the favour.

Who you are and how you treat others will be obvious to those who care about you, and guys like you do have people around you who care trust me - they just need the chance to show it. They need to know that you are human and hurt too.

And thats the reason I ask about trust. For your own good mate its time you opened up. Its ok to unload. Its ok to be scared and vulnerable. Its ok to be weak sometimes. Its ok to hurt and most of all its ok to be you. The real you.

Not the you you think others want or need you to be. Be you. Warts and all.

Because at the end of the day mate, your happiness and having your needs meet too, means that you can go on being the guy that helps everyone else. Without your own peace of mind, your own security and safety and your own validation, your ability to be the good guy gets harder and harder.

You cant do all this on your own. And theres no need to. Your value, your worth, your uniqueness are irreplaceable mate. We know it, your friends know it. You've just got to trust that they really do care for you as much as you want them too. Just give them a chance to show it.

 

[PabloZed]

MoltenRock puts it a little more roughly than I would but he is right. We all have to make choices for ourselves, but the reason there is a history is to perhaps learn from it. And I can tell you that my BIGGEST regret is not coming out sooner, at least in college. I was a big ole fucking mess in college because, like all guys, the hormones are out of control and you are surrounded not only by flesh but by sexuality. And when you are in the closet there is no outlet for your natural human urges and wants. So where does it lead? To depression and loneliness. On the outside, I was happy and very popular in school. I was not faking anything. I happen to make friends easily. But I was sad on the inside because I did not allow myself to take that next step and pursue what I really wanted, which was to get to know a man physically.

But I think my biggest mistake was not trusting my friends. I thought that they would reject me if I came out. What a fool I was because when I came out after college to these same friends they all stood by me. Does coming out answer all your problems? Of course not, but it lessens the burden you carry.

Finally, my younger brother is gay and because of me he came out and when I look at him and the fact that in college he had a long-term relationship it tells me that coming out advanced his emotional maturity.

 

[JustStephen]

Wow, thanks for the replies everyone...and all I can say to them is

Yep

You all hit alot of it right on the head and given me quite a bit to think about; proactivity topping the list. And to answer some of your posts, perhaps not coming out is more of a trust issue than I consider it. To others, I don't know why trust is difficult. I'm an awkward mashup between a romantic and a cynic.

And just to reassure anyone reading this; on most days, even though there is some lonely, I am happy (I'm not going to do anything crazy or stupid).

Anyway, I'm a little overwhelmed with all the posts so I'm not sure I answered them sufficiently, but they were all read and much appreciated.

all around.

-Stephen

P.S. The friends who broke up have started moving on (well he has, she is still working on it) so its been a little less hectic on that front.

 

[gameboy 11]

Aww. I hope things get better Stephen.

I hope that kiss comes soon.

Kissing is great. Pecks are okay but making out is heavenly, especially if you like the person.

I have yet to have a boyfriend myself either and I'm still a virgin so I think we both are in the same boat.