A Little Stuck..Am I Wrong?

[chilsont22]

How's it going everybody? So I'm in a kind of sticky situation and I have been trying to deal with it myself and take it day by day, but I've decided to get everybody on here's opinion in hopes that maybe I can get some help. So here goes.

I've been in a relationship for about half a year now with a guy who I am very in love with. I sometimes think that I actually fell in love with him too fast. The first few months of our relationship were great, then we started having little fights and the relationship wasn't as great.

Some things you should probably know:

1. There is a pretty big age difference between the two of us
2. He is married (to a women, she knows about him) and has kids
3. Neither of us has our own place
4. I am a very affectionate, romantic person who gets off on the typical "relationship", "couple" things

Now comes the issue that I'm having. Because I'm so much younger than my boyfriend, I'm used to having relationships (only with girls, this is my first with a guy) where we can spend time together a lot, and just have what I thought was a "normal" relationship, but because he's much older, he is more ok with not seeing as much of each other and he thinks that's normal. Because of this, I tended to get upset about some little things and because of this, right now my boyfriend is kind of at-ends with me and has lost the feelings he once had. He has a hard time telling me he loves me like he used to (still loves me, just not as much) and he still cares about me, but he is really trying to get over the past and get the feelings back so we can be happy.

Now because of this whol situation and the fact neither of us have our own place, I don't see much of my boyfriend. Both of us are relatively busy, me mostly because of work and him mostly because of his family. Now like I said, I am very into the whole "traditional" relationship thing and am very affectionate and when I'm in a relationship I love to love my partner and spend time together and just have fun. So obviously the whole not seeing each other much things takes it's toll on me emotionally and makes me seem needy to my boyfriend. We also haven't had sex in a few weeks because he "isn't ready", which I can somewhat understand.

The way things are going now it all makes me feel like I'm fighting to get him to see me, he doesn't care about me (he says he does still, which I do believe), and I'm very scared that our relationship isn't going to go anywhere. Obviously with his lifestyle now it's tough, he isn't financially stable at the moment but once he is he plans on going through a divorce from his wife and moving out, which would help things I believe. We both are trying very hard to make our relationship work. He's trying to get the feelings back that he did for me, and I'm trying to be ok with the "restricted" relationship we have. I am not used to never having alone time with the person I'm dating and it's very tough on me.

I know the relationship isn't really fair to me, and so does he, but I'm very in love and he really is the perfect guy in my eyes so I've always told him I would wait because I really do believe a life with him after all the BS would be amazing. We both think we can make it work, but I guess I'm just asking for everybody's opinion on the situation and if anybody has any suggestions on how I can help myself be more mentally and emotionally secure. Sorry this got so long but anybody who takes the time to read and answer, it's greatly appreciated.

 

[Seasoned]

If you were someone I knew and if your description of your relationship is accurate I'd tell you to walk away. You ought to have your needs and most of your wants met in a relationship. There is no good reason for you to put your life on hold for a guy who may never leave his family. I'm not being sanctimonious here. I had a wife and family when I began looking for men, but left my wife rather quickly even though she wanted me to stay. He's being unfair to himself, his wife and to you and remember there are no guarantees even if he leaves his wife.

If you still wish to play his game make him one of your dating partners, but giving a person this much control is dangerous as is having an affair with someone in a relationship. You only have his word for what is going on at home.

I wish you well and I think you'd have a much better chance for happinessvwith someone who can give you what you are willing to give him.

 

[Lefty]

Cutting to the Chase from a 60 year old eye

You are now nor did you have a partnership. He had a handy piece of
young stuff and you had geezer with limited benefits.

How special...wife, kids, home, family, career and friends with a
young buddy for when things get boring. Even now he tires of you
and the excuses proliferate.

Honey wake up and smell the coffee. Poopies and darn darn can't
smell the coffe you can't make for the two of you because there is
not only no place to do so but no place to share it either. Get a grip,
get around, get a 'companion' or at least some friends.

do the math...2 married, 2 otherwise committed, 2 old, 2 many vows,
2 many quasi promises 2LUTTLE action and 2LITTLEtime love or real
affection...TOTAL ???

Not as nice as Seasoned is saying it butt, you really knew the answer
before you asked the question...now deal with it.......JMHO

 

[KaraBulut]

I know the relationship isn't really fair to me, and so does he, but I'm very in love and he really is the perfect guy in my eyes so I've always told him I would wait because I really do believe a life with him after all the BS would be amazing. We both think we can make it work, but I guess I'm just asking for everybody's opinion on the situation and if anybody has any suggestions on how I can help myself be more mentally and emotionally secure. Sorry this got so long but anybody who takes the time to read and answer, it's greatly appreciated.

This is one of those situations that is the same whether you're a man or a woman.

Never accept being second. The wife and the kids will always be first. You don't want to spend years of your life waiting in an empty apartment while your lover is with his family.

When you're young, it's very hard to think in terms of the future. While you may love him and he may love you, you deserve more than you're getting here. You deserve to have someone who wants the same things as you and who doesn't have other commitments that will alway make you "the piece on the side".

The path to mental and emotional security is to stumble through the mishaps that every guy your age goes through. That starts with finding someone who can put you first. It starts with dating someone who can put time and commitment into a relationship. It starts with you deciding that you deserve better- and then getting out there and finding it.

 

[Shadow92]

Move on,this is going no where. Like what KaraBulut said "Never accept being second".

 

[Rolyo85]

You're not in a relationship. You're the mistress. It already tells you a LOT of the guy's morals, and if you could see it from the outside, you'd be disgusted. Now, he might not even realize how low what he is doing is, but honestly - how can you buy that someone might have a wife and she would be ok with him banging some young piece of boy ass on the side? I mean, being naive is only sexy up to a point...

 

[chilsont22]

You're not in a relationship. You're the mistress. It already tells you a LOT of the guy's morals, and if you could see it from the outside, you'd be disgusted. Now, he might not even realize how low what he is doing is, but honestly - how can you buy that someone might have a wife and she would be ok with him banging some young piece of boy ass on the side? I mean, being naive is only sexy up to a point...

I guess it's kind of easy considering I've actually met her, as his boyfriend, and she accepts it. While she still gets upset about him "ruining her life", they still hve a close brother/sister kind of relationship.

I understand what everybody is saying and I appreciate all of the input. I know the relationship is unfair to me and he really sees it too. He does believe things are going to get better when he is more financially stable, and I've always told him I would be willing to wait. I guess it's hard to explain because none of you know the kind of guy he is, he really is a pretty perfect guy.

After getting all this input in very deep thought about what to do. We had a conversation about the whole thing and we're still together and happy at the moment. I'm still being a little wary of the whole situation and still unsure what to do, but keep the opinions coming please. Thanks a lot guys!

 

[Rolyo85]

Oh, so you know the woman that's miserable because you're with her husband? That's classy...

I'm sorry, I know this is a flame-free zone, but right now, and without knowing anything else about the circumstances, I'm feeling REALLY judgmental towards both you and your "perfect" guy...

 

[Seasoned]

You're right. No one knows the situation better than you and only you know what you can tolerate. Many here with any kind of a past have made moral compromises of which they may not be proud. I'm one of those people. There can also be addictive qualities in a relationship keeping people together indefinitely until one person begins to either get healthy or even dumped. By this point he made be so addicted to sex on the side that he'd continue it even if you were living together. The advice given is to look for someone who is as free to commit as you.

 

[TX-Beau]

SUGAR, they ALWAYS say they're going to leave the wife. How often do you think that happens?

He's really a pretty perfect guy? Who's a closeted gay man who "ruined his wife's life?" (your words not mine)

It's a little inconsistent that you say she thinks he ruined her life but she's perfectly fine with you.

It makes me wonder what you are leaving out, and if what you've said isn't exactly accurate - especially since you say you're perfectly happy and yet here you are, not perfectly happy.

 

[KaraBulut]

I guess it's hard to explain because none of you know the kind of guy he is, he really is a pretty perfect guy.

Which is why it is easier for us to be objective.

Most of us who are older have seen male and female friends who were involved with married men. It's always, "We'll be together, but I just need to ...".

We also know that adults end one thing before they start another. These things happen but a married man with children who has a lover he flaunts to his wife is not a "pretty perfect guy".

And you should always know that if he'll do this to the mother of his children, he'll do it to you someday.

The advice you're getting is to put yourself first and not to settle for being the second choice. You not ready to do that. This thread will be here for a while, so when you are ready, come back and read it again.