A stupid crush on Instagram

[cafa196]

Hello everyone! I have a problem that I have been dealing with for months.

A few months after I turned 18, I decided to install some dating apps, like Tinder and later, Scruff because I'm attracted to bulky and big guys. I don't know, my preference.
When I installed Scruff, I saw the profile of a guy who I thought that was really, really good-looking. I think I've never been so obsessed. He had his Instagram profile attached to his Scruff profile, so I followed him.

He accepts my request and he even follows me back. I was really happy, but I was extremely nervous. I started chatting with him, but at the same time, i was feeling bad on the inside because I knew that I was trying to befriend him because I had a crush. And since we were following each other, I thought it would be ok to talk. Besides, I try to engage in conversations with a lot of people that I follow, most of them. At least for me, i follow around 200 people, and you might think that I am a creep or stupid or something but I genuinely care about my followers. There was a guy who was sick and I wished him well. You know, basic stuff. I kinda feel I am thinking that I am creating connections and bonds with these people, even though I am just saying stupid very superficial things like "Beautiful" and "Love it". I feel bad because we have never met in real life, most of them, and I feel like I am being annoying.

Back to the other guy, we started chatting. I said "Hi, how are you?". He answers"Good, and you?" "I am good. Where are you from?"

Then he says that he has nothing against me, but he feels uncomfortable talking to me because I am too young. Keep in mind I was 18 and he was 27, I believe. I answered to him, apologising, for trying too hard and didn't mean to bother him, and finished off by saying "Wish you well". Wasn't rude at all. Didn't have reason to. But after this I felt so sad, I was devastated for hours.
I don't know if he thought I was hitting on him. To be clear, I wasn't, just a friendly conversation. Besides, he has a boyfriend, and I would rather kill myself than to ruin a relationship. Especially of someone who I don't know. I genuinely wish them both lots of love and luck.

He doesn't post very often, like once every 2 weeks. Around 2 months after that, I noticed someone unfollowed me. Out of curiosity, I went to see who it was. I have an app that tells me who unfollows. Again, I don't care about the number, I care about who it is. It was him. This happened in the morning, and i was really sad for the rest of the day. I didn't post anything that made him do it, it was out of nowhere. Because I feel that right now I am being a massive jerk just I am making a big deal because of a follow request but I take these things personally, and I feel like I care about people and they just don't know or don't care. And I feel bas for thinking this way because it kinda sounds that I care for him only for his looks.

I have other people that I followed because I thought they were hot. Some of them I am already friends with and I am glad, even though this looks superficial. As forthat guy, we never talked again, but I feel that I am only satisfying my need for approval for this guy which kills me. This happened in December of last year, and I still follow him.
Sometimes I watch his profile and I get jealous of the friends that he has. And I hate it. I hate myself for thinking unfair things about him. Not fair for me because I could move on with this, but I can't. And not fair for him because has has the absolute right to not wanting to talk to me. I kinda wish that he would know about this, but I am afraid because, he doens't follow me anymore, meaning he has no interest. I don't want him to think that I am a fucking creep. I don't know what to do.

Can someone help me please? Sorry for the long post by the way.
Thank you all!

 

[TX-Beau]

OK you don't know him, you never knew him, he isn't part of your life, he isn't an X, a friend, or even an acquaintance, he's with somebody else and doesn't want your interest, and has given you zero encouragement.

The only culprit can be you. What are you getting out of obsessing about this that keeps you from just moving on?

- - - Updated - - -

There are a thousand more internet fantasies where he came from.

 

[cafa196]

Well, I don't really know. Sometimes I see what he does on instagram. Sometimes I put like on his older photos, so that he notices me but he never did.
Like I said, it is a stupid obsession, and I feel like the only way to stop this is to tell him how I feel. But I am afraid he will do something bad, like blocking me. I don't want to bother him, and he has the absolute right to not want to talk to me, but I am afraid of being rejected again. I feel like I am being really unfair with him, because he seems like he is a great person.

 

[SeaCore]

So let's imagine you tell this guy how you feel. What do you imagine as happening next?

And I have to say, I strongly suggest deleting that app that lets you see who unfollows you and turning off notifications for when that happens. It's not healthy for you because you seem to jump to worst case scenarios. People unfollow for numerous reasons and have plenty going on in their life that you're not aware of; stop assuming it's you.

I think it's tough navigating these new spaces where we interact with a lot of people because it's hard to get a feel for how strong the connection is and because it's constantly there. It's not like being at a friend's house or going to meet-up where there's a clear cut end and where you have more feedback, like tone and body language, to figure out how engaged and invested the other person seems.
You need to do some serious introspection. What does Instagram mean to you? What does it do for you? Why are you there? Does that align with what other people are there for?
Knowing what the space is like for you and others can help you figure out how to better cope with stuff you don't like.

Also, look up 'parasocial' relationships. It sounds like your emotions are caught up in one of these.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are times when we lose perspective on what is happening in situations like this.

You might want to give some thought to whether you are putting as much energy into your real-life friendships compared to the amount of energy you're expending on your online following/follower relationships.

You're 18. These are the best years of your life. It's a time when you should be out in the world, meeting people, making friends and enjoying your body (and a few other people's bodies along the way).

 

[cafa196]

Actually I've turned 19, this conversation happened almost a year ago.
But I guess that I am the way I am because I've had a difficult time while growing up. I'm gay, and I was living with my aunt and my uncle, and I was afraid of coming out to them because I felt that I would dissapoint them. I know it is my life but I care a lot about what other people think of me. At school, a lot of students changed schools, so in my class, I only had 2 really close friends, but I don't speak to them anymore. I was kinda lonely and my life at home was difficult, because my aunt and uncle were fighting almost every day, until they got divorced, when I was 16.

Then I went to live with my mom and her boyfriend, before, during the summer, leaving me to live with her new boyfriend, and I stayed there, living in the same house as her previous boyfriend, paying rent, and paying my own food.(I had an inheritance but Ilied about the amount of money that I received because sometimes my mother would ask me to give her money, and I couldn't say no, because she lives on a minimal wage, and besides everything that she has done to me, I care for her).

Right now, I am living with a friend of a half-sister of mine. I was unhappy, at that time, but now I am better. I have had Instagram because my friends had it and it was a way to improve my social skiils, because I was kinda awkward. But I discovered some potential people who sometimes I speak and I belive that we could get along well. I don't have any gay friends. Ihave right now, my classmates, who I would take a bullet for. I love them to death and I will always protect them, and they protect me. But I would also like to have friends who share some other interests with me. I know I could go out, to bars and everything, and I am going to, one day. I just don't feel ready yet. But as for my Instagram "fake friends" I don't really want to lose them. I feel like I'm fucking nuts for thinking this way.

 

[swerve]

I think that you are doing GREAT!!!

 

[KaraBulut]

Actually I've turned 19, this conversation happened almost a year ago.
But I guess that I am the way I am because I've had a difficult time while growing up. I'm gay... I know it is my life but I care a lot about what other people think of me. At school, a lot of students changed schools, so in my class, I only had 2 really close friends, but I don't speak to them anymore. I was kinda lonely and my life at home was difficult...

This guy is nobody. Why waste time speculating over what he thinks of you?

There are people whose opinion you should care about. Strangers on the internet are not on that list of people.

It sounds like you have had a rough past. All the more reason to work on having a better future.

I have had Instagram because my friends had it and it was a way to improve my social skiils, because I was kinda awkward. But I discovered some potential people who sometimes I speak and I belive that we could get along well. I don't have any gay friends. Ihave right now, my classmates, who I would take a bullet for. I love them to death and I will always protect them, and they protect me. But I would also like to have friends who share some other interests with me. I know I could go out, to bars and everything, and I am going to, one day. I just don't feel ready yet. But as for my Instagram "fake friends" I don't really want to lose them. I feel like I'm fucking nuts for thinking this way.

Your story reminded me of an "Instagram influencer" who posted pictures from what seemed to be constant vacations. From the outside, it looked like he was this good looking guy living a great life. The truth- he had several assault charges on his record - which is why he was "single". He traveled but he was living in an extended stay hotel and had been evicted from his home because he couldn't pay his rent. None of this was apparent in his Instagram pictures... which is exactly what he wanted.

Instagram is a mixed bag. There's a lot of people on Instagram who just want more and more followers because companies send them free clothes and other merchandise. There's a lot of people spending a lot of time creating pictures of a ideal life that they're pretending that they have. There are also a lot of nice people who you'll run into in a public place who are happy to meet people. When you're looking at pictures on Instagram, you're looking at people's fantasy of the life they want people to think they have. It's seldom real.

It's unclear why this guy was uncomfortable. And honestly, it doesn't matter. He's not your friend. He's just some guy on the internet.

You should be thankful each and every day for the real life friends you have. In the gay world, friends- even the straight ones- are our chosen family.

 

[cafa196]

I understand what you guys are saying and I really appreciate all your help. It is being useful for me to understand my emotions. I feel like lately I am so scattered out of nowhere. I compare it to a movie. I watch it, think about it for hours after I watch it and then I forget about it. Then later, I can rewatch the same movie, months later, and still have that feeling.

But I feel that if I expose my true thoughts to him, it will make me feel better. I feel like if I at least have a positive answer from him, it would make me feel better. Like he said, he has nothing against me.

But I don't want to be a burden and bother him. His response can be bad, like foulmouthing me or even block me, and that is what is keeping me from doing that. And I would feel bad, but he has the right to do it because it kinda looks like I am harassing him.

Should I do it or not?

By the way, I am like this on this situation, imagine when I start a relationship. I feel like a stalker.

 

[fredward]

Sometimes, guys who are older than 18 worry that so-called 18 year olds might actually be underage.

Also, bi or formerly str8 guys with adult kids might have a squick factor about sex partners who are their kids age.

 

[KaraBulut]

...Should I do it or not?

By the way, I am like this on this situation, imagine when I start a relationship. I feel like a stalker.

Not.

What you're describing has an obsessive component to it. It's not unusual for younger guys to overthink and overanalyze things. Where this seems a bit off the rails is that you don't seem to be able to control these impulses.

For you own sanity, you should walk away and put this behind you. If you can't walk away, then you need to give some thought to whether you should work on this behavior with a therapist or counselor. The reason that I'm suggesting this as an option is exactly what you've determined- if you can't break this pattern with a stranger on the internet, then it's going to be rough dating.

 

[TX-Beau]

...But I feel that if I expose my true thoughts to him, it will make me feel better. I feel like if I at least have a positive answer from him, it would make me feel better. Like he said, he has nothing against me...

Do not ever make your feelings the responsibility of people who don't volunteer for the job. He won't thank you. He's not a friend, he's not a family member, he's not your boyfriend.