About to Give Up and Move Back Home Advice?

[erobert]

Some know the rut I've been for about a year and half now (low paying job, no real friends, living with a crazy cat lady- and def no BF) Kind of embarrassing but I'm reaching out for advice.

I'll spare the detail since you can see them in another post I've made last year. Since then little has changed with my situation and I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall doing all the "right" things. Or I'll think my situation is improving getting a 2nd interview for a higher paying job, going on a date, getting the number of a potential friend but then.... nothing happens. No job offer is made, no follow up from the potential friend/ date even after reaching out on my part. It's almost like a cruel joke and is a bit demoralizing and very frustrating.

This week after taking a realistic inventory of what little progress I've made, I've been mentally preparing myself to return back home and make "the call" to my parents telling them I'm moving back home at nearly 30 (somewhat pathetic IMO) Part of me is says while my parents would gladly take me back I'm worried quitting my job (despite it being low paying) and going through a big hassle of figuring out what to do with my stuff, moving halfway across the nation and "figuring things out" while unemployed and job hunting is not a wise idea. It could even make things worse since that's a major life change and there's barely any peers my age in the burbs my parent's live in. As I get older I'm learning a lot of things in life come down to who you know and are friends with.

Chicago thankfully is about 20 miles away but there's the stigma of living with your parent's that will be off putting (Although my current situation here in NYC is also off putting since everyone seems to have it together)

The other part of me thinks it might give me a good sense of perspective and living with my parents who love me is better than living in the spare room of an apartment with some random crazy cat lady who only cares about the rent (didn't even apologize when her cat peed in my room )

IDK what the right thing to do is but what I've been doing in the past hasn't worked to improve things. What would you guys recommend? Have you been in a similar situation?

 

[zoltanspawn]

In my experience, different people thrive in different situations.

Maybe a change from New York is in order, but does it necessarily mean a return to your folks' place?

 

[Kyanimal]

New York vs. Chicago? Go for the Midwest, Buddy!

If "The 'Rents" are willing to take you back, and you can cruise on their dime for a bit, granted that might not be the most desirable set of circumstances, I'd advise taking Full advantage of that, until you're able to make other moves.

I wouldn't look at it so much as a "retreat", as I would consider it a temporary "reset".

Just think of all the Healthy, "Corn Fed", Midwest Dudes just waiting for you to suck their dicks, before they plow your ass, or you pump theirs, all on the "Down Low", of course!

The "thing" about LIFE is that there is NOTHING Set in Stone! The best we can do is the BEST we can DO!

All the more reasons to ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[frankfrank]

How about a third, neutral location that's affordable? There aren't many that ALSO happen to be "safe" and nice to be in, but I can think of one: PITTSBURGH. I'm betting you can survive there with one half (?) the cost of shelter...or even less? It's a great city, with a lot of culture and a lot of things to do. It's also one of the safest metropolitan areas (but so is New York City).

Quick, though, before the secret gets out that Pittsburgh is no longer an awful, stinky dump. Many people still think that's what Pittsburgh is all about, and forty or fifty years ago, YES, that was entirely true. It has almost completely reinvented itself nowadays, but its reputation precedes it to this day.

There is also a robust gay scene there, great food, etc. But of course you'd need to VISIT first, not just take my word for it, but I think you'd like it. And you'll be midway BETWEEN New York City and the Chicago suburbs, to boot!

Cities that are affordable, AND really nice and safe, barely exist anywhere.

 

[Yooper]

I can't give any advice about moving back in with the parental units.

Every time one of my Mother's children 'left the nest' she promptly moved to a smaller place, eliminating the option to even think about moving back in. Once the youngest of us left, she moved to a 1-bedroom place and has maintained that lifestyle ever since (for several years she even did a no-bedroom arrangement, when one would visit, the guest would sleep in a tent in the yard or a motel in town).

I'd never want to do NYC though. The Midwest is much better (although I wouldn't mind visiting NYC provided I didn't have to pay for a room).

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Some know the rut I've been for about a year and half now (low paying job, no real friends, living with a crazy cat lady- and def no BF) Kind of embarrassing but I'm reaching out for advice.

I'll spare the detail since you can see them in another post I've made last year. Since then little has changed with my situation and I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall doing all the "right" things. Or I'll think my situation is improving getting a 2nd interview for a higher paying job, going on a date, getting the number of a potential friend but then.... nothing happens. No job offer is made, no follow up from the potential friend/ date even after reaching out on my part. It's almost like a cruel joke and is a bit demoralizing and very frustrating.

This week after taking a realistic inventory of what little progress I've made, I've been mentally preparing myself to return back home and make "the call" to my parents telling them I'm moving back home at nearly 30 (somewhat pathetic IMO) Part of me is says while my parents would gladly take me back I'm worried quitting my job (despite it being low paying) and going through a big hassle of figuring out what to do with my stuff, moving halfway across the nation and "figuring things out" while unemployed and job hunting is not a wise idea. It could even make things worse since that's a major life change and there's barely any peers my age in the burbs my parent's live in. As I get older I'm learning a lot of things in life come down to who you know and are friends with.

Chicago thankfully is about 20 miles away but there's the stigma of living with your parent's that will be off putting (Although my current situation here in NYC is also off putting since everyone seems to have it together)

The other part of me thinks it might give me a good sense of perspective and living with my parents who love me is better than living in the spare room of an apartment with some random crazy cat lady who only cares about the rent (didn't even apologize when her cat peed in my room )

IDK what the right thing to do is but what I've been doing in the past hasn't worked to improve things. What would you guys recommend? Have you been in a similar situation?

erobert, let me ask my girlfriend Barbra for advice...

What's that Barbra? "Never give up"?

Don't move back in with your parents, erobert.

 

[rareboy]

I think you are just looking for the easy way out.

I get the sense that you risk very little in most areas of your life...so well done for kind of moving to New York. Although from about the beginning it is clear that you have never been happy and maybe it is because you found a niche on the fringes and then stayed there.

Move. Move back to the mid-west, but for heaven's sakes...surely you can do better than moving back in with your mom and dad?

Before you go though, get out there and get dirty. I mean really dirty. Go to the sex club and get crazy. Hang out in the village. Make random friends. Start saying hello and then chatting with everyone you meet. Drain every drop of the incredible culture and atmosphere of Manhattan.

Give yourself from memories that you can live on when you get old.

 

[G-Lexington]

I don't know why you moved to New York City specifically, and so this next paragraph may or may not be relevant. But I have friends who relocated to both New York and Los Angeles....because they knew that was the place for them. Not in a "well, the business I want to excel at is here" sort of way - but in a "this is where I belong" sort of way. They'd rather starve in the corner of a rundown apartment in NY or LA than be a millionaire in any other place. Once, when one of these friends was facing tough times, somebody suggested moving to another town. His response was "that's like suggesting I move underwater".

It may be you moved to New York because, hey, it's New York. Opportunities and people and so on, but you don't feel necessarilythat attached to it. In which case, yeah, I'd agree with the other posters. Find another city to move to. (A bunch of my friends have grown disenchanted with Denver, and have moved out. The most popular destination so far? Savannah Georgia.) But if you feel that New York is where you belong, stay. Make every sacrifice you need to in order to stay. Because you won't truly be happy anywhere else.

Lex

 

[erobert]

/\ Good advice in general but I worry about just how much sacrifice is needed to "make it" in New York these days.... My job and living situation are having my thinking it might be wiser to move back for a while. Plus I want to do some traveling yet with out a higher level of pay, that's not happening without a nicely padded savings account.

There was no other city on the planet that I wanted to live in as badly as New York. Since I was young I decided that's where I was going to live and spent my life preparing to move here, unlike people who end up here since "it's New York". And after graduating college I did, I got my low paying job I'm still in, a BF, moved to Manhattan... and those were some amazing. Then he broke up with me about 2 years ago. Job hunting for a higher paying position turned into months and is going on a year. Which has brought me to now, almost on the verge of giving my 30 days and 2 weeks due to this prolonged rut. Yes sacrifices need to be made to live in New York, but I don't want to sacrifice my sanity clinging on. Which is sad giving I spent my entire life working to live here... it would be a bittersweet move back in with the parents is what I can say. But it might be a necessary thing to do as sort of a reset.

On the other hand, as rareboy says, maybe moving back home is the easy way out. Like running away from the real world back to the safety of the nest. Maybe I'm not doing enough to improve my situation, even though I thought I was. IDK... The worst thing would be to go through moving back home and say "Uh oh, what have I done?" with dreadful regret. I'm going back and fourth with if that would be the case.

The thing is if I was able to increase my income and get a core group of friends to regularly hang out with that would greatly improve things and moving away wouldn't even cross my mind. That really shouldn't be this hard.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Nothing wrong with moving back in with parents. For many it's the smart thing to do in order to regroup and get back out there again.

 

[sixthson]

Have you checked to see what jobs are available in Chicago and the areas around your parents?

There is a lot of stigma attached to moving back home when you are 30, but you wouldn't be the first, you won't be the last.
Your dream of living in NYC doesn't have to die just because you take a break from it. You can always move back there in the future. Besides, Chicago is no backwater, little town. Perhaps you have placed NYC on some pedestal that it does not deserve?

 

[Declan]

Hi, Just pay "rent" for the services You will be OK if you all have some basic "non-growing up" rules. Do not give your parents decision rights on anything.......well unless you are going to bring someone into the house that is a danger to man and beast.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

You either want it or you don't. My first five years here, I don't think anything could've kept me from this place.

 

[G-Lexington]

Besides, Chicago is no backwater, little town. Perhaps you have placed NYC on some pedestal that it does not deserve?

I've been to many of the biggest cities in America, and as far as I'm concerned, there are VERY few cities that have their own distinct vibe....and New York City is far and away the most prominent one. (San Francisco is a distant second, and every time I visit, the gap gets wider.) I didn't find Chicago much at all like New York other than they're both quite large.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

There was no other city on the planet that I wanted to live in as badly as New York. Since I was young I decided that's where I was going to live and spent my life preparing to move here, unlike people who end up here since "it's New York".

Then I think you should stay. Or, at very least, move somewhere nearby. Upstate New York, or another nearby large-ish city. I don't think moving back home will be a good idea. It will help your bank account but sap your psyche, and I don't think your psyche is in any position for a sapping.

Lex

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

G Lex is saying it all right now! Loving the input.

 

[ILLBFIRE]

What's the rent like right now in NYC? I was thinking about relocating there.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

What's the rent like right now in NYC? I was thinking about relocating there.

Do you want roommates? For a studio, you're unlikely to find anything under 1,100 even in the worst neighborhoods.

 

[erobert]

What's the rent like right now in NYC? I was thinking about relocating there.

It's a bit eye opening for newcomers in terms of what you can get within your budget (even on the higher end) You need to be making around six figures to live comfortably on your own in Manhattan in a decent area. 1 bedrooms run around $3,000- as much as $5,000 in the desirable neighborhoods (Greenwich Village, UES, etc). You should make $40,000-$50,000 for a roommate apartment or living out in a further, less desirable area of the outer boroughs. Adding to the difficulty of finding an apartment many landlords have a requirement that you need to make 40x the monthly rent for signing a lease. You just need to be aware of the market and how competitive it is compared to most cities in the US.

The rising cost of living is one of the things pushing me out of the city and/ or back to Chicago.

For anyone wondering I've decided after a night of tossing and turning the most responsible thing to do right now is either move to a less expensive city in the Mid Atlantic, possibly DC or Philly. I was thinking about the metro area here but Hoboken and nearby cities are getting expensive... Plan B is to move back to Chicago, if at least for a a few months. sometime before the end of the summer.

Kind of sad to make the decision to move since this is where I've always wanted to live but I can always return when I'm more financially stable but after more than a year of this situation and trying to improve it, it might be time to move on. In my efforts to make more friends I kept hearing a lot of people my age complaining how expensive it is here, how hard it is to date, etc.. and they're planning to move away within a few months, a fair amount I met were moving to Chicago actually. That kind of made me sad since a lot of people are just passing through after graduating college, it is hard to get settled in NYC though to be fair.

BTW, how is the gay dating scene in Chicago? Most guys will not want to date an unemployed guy back at their parents place temporarily but I'm curious just to be aware for the future. I keep hearing good things about DC which might be easier to find a job in my degree there.

 

[Kyanimal]

Chicago may be considered "The Second City", but it has Everything that New York does, just not on such a phrenetic scale. And, just to put in a "note", Milwaukee has Everything that Chicago does, just in an even more friendly "small town" atmosphere.

Do NOT Underestimate the Mid West!

Granted, it might not be as "Vibrant" as either coast, but, then again, it's not nearly as expensive. And, though "The Gay Scene" might not be as evident, it's certainly here, once you find it, and might even be more welcoming/tolerant!

Yeah! Surprising! I know!

I wouldn't look at moving back to your roots as a "retreat", as much as I would consider it a more reasonable realignment.

Besides, Iowa, our neighbor, is not the only source of BONE-a-fide "Corn Fed" Studs!

Of course ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz