Accepting age

[brownyamaha]

This question has been bugging me for a while now, and while it's a bit milled over I didn't initially foresee having to deal with it firsthand.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He is turning 31 in January and I will be 24 in December. For some time now we've been having various discussions around the topic of age, and his insistence or, more precisely, resistance of aging as a phenomenon has begun to really make me worried.

I've never had a problem with age, despite going through a bit of a realization about it myself as of late. Nevertheless, I have always thought of men aging far more gracefully than women by comparison, akin to good vintage cabernet sauvignon or a bottle of cognac that just gets more refined and saturated with flavour and depth more and more every day of its existence.

He's been through a few difficult and life changing experiences, and has changed in a lot of positive ways during our time together. Still, I continually see him trying to cling to the notion of trying to retain as perfect a physical image as possible as well as a sense of fashion that you could relate to it.

I have an idea where the roots might lie as he's a fairly attractive athletic guy who's never had a problem with attention from both sexes, but it breaks my heart to see him refuse the inevitable as if it's somehow a trade off for the worse. In my eyes he's grown more attractive in numerous ways than when I met him, yet that doesn't seem quite enough to him realize he is still beautiful.

I'd love to hear others' insight into how they faced age themselves or if they've had to deal with someone who did.

Cheerio

 

[Audio Tech]

Well, I'll put in my 2 cents, FWIW.

I'm 46 now. Yes, I also have a hard time accepting my AGE.
Here's the thing... My age and how I actually feel are 2 entirely different things. However, in the Gay culture as I see it, age and looks are pretty important. Now at 31, I wouldn't worry about it, but it IS true that the older you get, the less guys are interested in you. Personally I also like young guys, because I still FEEL young. But I can't just go out and pick up a 20 year old anymore. Well, not if I want a meaningful relationship. It happens, but it's rare.

So I CAN understand his thinking, but I also know that in the end it doesn't matter.

I certainly had one hell of a great time this weekend, and age simply vanished.

I would LOVE to be in my 20's again, who wouldn't. Being lean and cute, and having the world as your oyster. But we ALL get older. The trick, and this is a tough one.... is to get WISER. Self-acceptance is often the hardest thing to do.

So while we all have to accept that we do get older, we don't entirely have to embrace the idea. Stay fit, take care of your body, etc. Age GRACEFULLY. After all, you can't stop it, just slow it down a little.

Good luck to you.

 

[Seasoned]

I think it beats the alternative, but not everyone feels that way. Life goes by rather quickly and any 20 something I might be feeling jealous of will be going through the same thing. Some people do not age gracefully. No amount of rational talk will get them to change their mind. Severe cases need therapy.

It's weird. Of all the species on earth, we take the longest to mature into adults. We somehow are programmed into thinking that the early adult years represent us they way we are "supposed" to be. Why? Why is that decade the quintessential representation of us? If we can't bear it at 31 how can we cope at 61, 71, etc.? I guess there's plastic surgery and Botox, but there's also the piece of mind of acceptance.

Where's our gratitude, for those of us to whom this applies, that we have the luxury of worrying about this instead of spending all our time trying to find food and shelter, as is the case with millions of people.

Perhaps it's time for your boyfriend to be grateful he attracted a younger partner. I know ageing is a real fear and part of me sympathizes with him; another part of me wants to take him to a kids' cancer ward or a burn unit. I'm also giving myself the same message. As I age and look at pictures I get depressed too. Sometimes even the best of us need help with depression, no matter what the cause. I hope the two of you have a variety of friends/family of all ages. Yesterday I met a 9 day old. I also caregive for family members in their 80s.

There are no easy answers unless he's so depressed that only a mental health professional could begin to address it. I am not on a high horse here by any means, but within any group of people there will be the youngest and the oldest. I hang with my mom sometimes to feel young. She's 89. When she's feeling old she visits her downstairs neighbor who's 102. That neighbor, realizing she can't be beat has a constant smile and is full of grace.

There's nothing like hanging around the old folks and being told you're a pup.

 

[Orlandude]

The 30's can be a very interesting decade. It seems it boils down to one of two things. You either want to undo a lot of things you did in your 20's or you want to preserve all that you did and that includes physical appearance. For some, turning 30 is traumatic. They seem to see it as the end of youth instead of the continuation of youth....just a new stage. Sounds like he may be going through these mixed emotions. It is ok. It is just a part of entering that age. He should be commended that he takes great pride in his appearance and fitness when so many others let themselves go. Honestly I have seen middle aged men in better shape and hotter than some 20 or 30-somethings walking around these days.

There is always the "grieving process" before final acceptance and that holds true with aging. We all hate to see the years pass but they do and faster than you realize. He may also be going through that. As you stated, he has also been through some difficult and life-changing experiences. Even though he has changed in a lot of positive ways, his seeming obscession with his appearance may also be his way of compensating for some of those difficult and life-changing experiences. Maybe that is the only way he knows how to deal with them. If that is the case, your patience with him will be greatly appreciated and also commendable because you are allowing him to be what he feels he needs to be and do right now. If it makes him feel good, what harm is there? That behavior WILL pass. I hope some of what I said makes some sense.

 

[heartfly77]

In some ways I think most of us dread getting older. I told myself that I was going to cry when I turned 30. But I didn't. The world didn't come crashing down. People didn't stop liking me. And really if you were to ask me today if I could go back and be 20 again, would I? I would say no.

I am sure that your boyfriend will feel comfortable with his age in due time. He should feel pretty good to have a 24 yr old boyfriend. : ) Tell him how sexy he is and how much you love him. That'll help.

 

[Lube]

For me, as I look back (doesn't that sound melodramatic?!), I think my 30's were an awkward time. I wasn't as cute or thin as my teens and 20's (think twink with a beard), and I knew I could no longer shop in the Young Men's department. But I didn't want to be middle aged, either, even though (unlike many American guys) I have a deep respect for age and wisdom.

I seemed to have this mental and physical transformation in my early 40's (that's also when I came out of denial about being gay). I started liking myself more and being more self confident. My face and features also became less twinky and more bearish (and I don't necessarily mean fat--although there was undoubtedly some of that).

I also started cutting my hair very short and it was almost transformative. You'd almost never recognize me as the same person as that lanky, bushy-haired 20 year old.

Finally, I realized there are many very good looking younger and older guys that looooooooove guys at my age, at least in the bear community. I almost feel that I'm peaking now, at 47.

But I just take life and aging as it comes. My bf will be 62 this year and he is amazingly handsome to me.


And I feel like a spring chicken next to some of his friends.

 

[G-Lexington]

I wish I could explain it, but I'm afraid I can't. I simply decided at one point that I get 365 (or 366) days to be each age. And so I'm going to try it out, see what it's like, and try to enjoy it. Some years weren't as good as preceding ones, but that was never due to age and always due to outside circumstances. (Being out of a job, depression, what have you.) Turning 40 earlier this year was literally a non-event for me. Well, OK, we had a party, but it wasn't this big drawn-out "OMG, I'm OLD" thing. I simply said "Well, 39 was actually a lot of fun. Let's see what 40's like." And so far so great.

I think part of it has to do with not holding myself up to some sort of physical standard. The people who feel it the worst seem to be those who were "hotties" back in the day. Even if they age gracefully, the fact is they're attractive in a different way than they were. They're now "distinguished" rather than "a hot young thing". And they have trouble letting go - all they feel is "I'm not a hot young thing anymore". For me, I was an enh 15-year-old, and now I'm an enh 40-year-old. Nothing's changed on that front, so I can't imagine being upset about my "fading youth".

Lex

 

[thisisinteresting]

Everyone kinda faces the 'issue' of age differently. In my opinion, age is a state of mind. If you say you're old, then you're old. You believe it, and thus it becomes true.

Then again, I'm 21 so nobody respects my opinion.

One thing I'd like to say is your body may not be as nimble as it once was, but the fact you HAD a nimble body should be respected. Also you can keep your body nimble it just takes more work. Yoga's great for that. I have the body of an old man on the inside so I can't wait to just have it all match. I've got two bad knees, a bad wrist, and a bad elbow. I can't play sports, I can't run, I can't stand up all day for a job without coming home limping and almost crying from the pain. I also can't just sit in one spot all day either because of my spine. A lot of people think age = health of your body and there's a lot more to it. Not everything has to be viewed as loss.

Anyway, sorry, this isn't really directed at my age group, but I'm an old man on the inside I promise. I can see sometimes my bf having these... moments. He just turned 50.

I'm interested in seeing how the younger generation ages. A lot of the older gay guys I know weren't comfortable with themselves and being gay (understandably so) 'til later in their lives compared to many kids my age.

I too am interested in reading some responses. Perhaps I can get a better view on what my bf is going through.

 

[BlackMamba47]

For me, I think it's a matter of perception, both inner and from external forces.

I myself am only 19, yet everyone I meet assumes that I'm in my mid 20's due to my size (I'm 6'3", 190 lbs, with a very athletic build) my facial features (classically handsome and masculine), and the way I carry myself (eloquent, knowledgeable about things other than Gaga and Glee, etc.).

At first it was annoying because my immediate thought was "Jesus, these people think I look old", but after hearing them explain what they meant, and comparing myself to the numerous people I know, I began to see the surprise of my age as a great compliment.

It let me know that people not only think I'm older, mature looking, and well put together, but also extremely attractive, and after they find out my actual age, their attraction level only rises because I'm all of those things at only 19, and thus, I still have many years to develop and grow as a person

For the OP's boyfriend, I think it would depend on how he sees himself at his age. If he's 30 and his opinion on aging is always loss of your youthful good looks, your virility, and certain intangibles of youth, then it's not at all surprising that he's fighting the natural aging process that all of us go through.

What I would say, and I think this would not only be constructive for him, but for everyone, is to see aging not as a bad thing and only something that is destructive to yourself, but as something beneficial and constructive.

Aging is merely you getting wiser, understanding yourself and the world to a greater degree, and for many people, developing a certain attractiveness that most 20 year olds and teens could only imagine.

There's a reason why men such as George Clooney, Richard Gere, and Harrison Ford are held up as icons of attractiveness, and it's not because they looked picked out from Abercrombie's Spring 2010 collection. It's because they have a certain gravitas and composure about them that people in their 20's and younger tend to lack, and the fact that they look amazing for their ages doesn't hurt either.

If your boyfriend sees himself not moving AWAY from youthful sexy such as Chace Crawford, Kellan Lutz, or Taylor Lautner, but instead TOWARDS mature elegance like George Clooney, Rob Lowe, Daniel Craig, or Eric Dane, I'm sure that many of his fears would be alleviated