Advice For New Relationship

[breatheH20]

Hey everyone, sorry if this is another one of my infamously long posts. But here goes nothing.

I'm trying to figure out if my knack for overanalyzing things and worrying is getting the best of me. I'm crazy about my new boyfriend, and I'm at the stage where he, for all intents and purposes, has his name etched into my heart. I'd do anything for him, I'm committed, I'm down, I'm there.

[Me: 22, Bf: 32.]

I came back from where he lives last night, after spending a little more than day with him; he's sick, and I offered to take some of the edge off for him and take care of him while I was there. Piece o cake, I don't mind.

When I got home last night, I perused some of the old text messages between us, just to put a smile on my face before I went to sleep. Some of the very early ones from him went something like this:

-I'm interested in you for more than just sex.

-If you're falling for me, I'll catch you. Promise.

-If you were with me, you'd hear (insert compliment here) everyday.

You get the gist of it. He was very expressive in the beginning. We laid out all our faults in an overnight phone conversation, and were pretty clear about where we were coming from. Fine, great, I appreciated that honesty and mature approach.

As time has gone on, I'm still learning more about him. He's still on guard with his emotions because of previous relationships, and says that i'm on "probation" (from what I gather, it'll take some time for him to completely open up to me).

That's all fair. I'm already at that point to where I can let myself go in him, and I believe I'm interpreting his "armor" as "he's not interested in me" or "he's not interested in me as as much as I'm into him".

Now I will give him credit, he has made strides to show me how he feels and to make me smile and all that stuff; they're just few and far between, at least by my standards. I'm a very affectionate person; he's told me he's moderately affectionate.

So, the $1 million questions:

I kind of feel like I'm just there. I'm younger than him, not the usual type of guy he dates, and wonder if this situation is one where he can't get his feelings hurt since he's not as "attached" (if that makes sense).

I just wonder if he feels as strongly about me as I do him.

Then the other side of my mind kicks in and says:
-It's only been 1 1/2 months.

-He's said he needs time to trust me.

-He's given me indications (whether or not they're as frequent as I like) that he's interested in me

-If he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't. He lives in a big gay metro population, and chooses to date me and wait to see me once a week.

He's been honest and upfront about who he is. He's different than previous boyfriends, which makes me worry a bit since this dynamic change in relationship is different, and I interpret different as something being wrong.

Again, I'm just wondering if I'm over-analyzing / worrying too much too early on, and whether I'm letting my imagination get the best of me. I really like my boyfriend, and I'm falling more towards the "l-word" as each day passes on.

If anyone's made it this far, thanks for being patient.
-breatheH20

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm trying to figure out if my knack for overanalyzing things and worrying is getting the best of me.

I apologize, I promise to finish reading your post but that really made me laugh. No offense intended.

 

[breatheH20]

There is quite a hint of irony in that isn't it.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. It's not helpful to judge someone else's actions by your own criteria. As in, if he doesn't act in a situation like you would - well, he's not you, and if you assume that not acting like you means there's a problem, you're going to end up stressing yourself to death.

Here's what I do. I watch what he does. Does he make time for you, does he initiate contact, does he smile when you're around, do you have his attention? That set of criteria pretty much clue me in to serious possibilities. It's what I want in a guy, and I don't care how he actually goes about it - one guy liked to give me wrenches as gifts, something I'd never seen before and would never have done.

That said. one and a half months is way too early to be doing this. You don't know him yet, he doesn't know you. How can you begin to answer the questions you have if you don't know him well enough to have a baseline on his personality.

Also DO NOT over-commit. As in jump in blind, both feet first and expect him to do the same. If you said the above to me, after 1 1/2 months, I'd freak. I do not consider that a long enough period of acquaintance to even begin to be having serious discussions about forever, and I'm by no means the only guy like that. You say he was very expressive "in the beginning," but you're still at the beginning. Maybe him changing so fast says something about him, maybe not, you don't have enough experience of him to know for sure. It takes years to get to really know someone.

My advice, take it for what it is, one day at a time, revisit in six months, and have fun with it along the way.

 

[breatheH20]

My advice, take it for what it is, one day at a time, revisit in six months, and have fun with it along the way.

As I suspected, I'm being far too mental in the beginning of this relationship. He does give me signs that he's interested, and I'm sure I equate the frequency of those things as evidence of his feelings for me, which is unfair.

So I will try and eat up the advice everyone has been telling me: Enjoy it, and stop worrying so much.

 

[racer2438]

As a person who is in a LTR of 25-1/2 yrs so far.

I think you may be reading to much into it.

With that said I would do one thing.


have a sit down and talk with him about your and his feelings and lay them all out on the table. If you dont start w/honesty then it will be hard to figure out.

And you may be head over heels and he may not be at the same stage as you and that could put him off. We all go at different pace. So find out were he is at and see if your both there. If not then just go slow and enjoyas your both are building it together..

 

[hylas]

... I'm just wondering if I'm over-analyzing / worrying too much too early on...

yes, honey, you are.

... and I'm at the stage where he, for all intents and purposes, has his name etched into my heart. I'd do anything for him, I'm committed, I'm down, I'm there...

after not even two months? i realize youre enjoying the rush of young love, but lets keep things grounded here. take a cold shower, slap yourself a couple of times. slow down a little. if he really is the magical "love of your life", taking your time will not separate you.

 

[breatheH20]

Agreed. I'm having to relearn formerly useful habits (i.e. anticipating / analyzing my abusive father's moves). I'm trying to emphasize the good that is going on now, and trying to inhibit the instinctual desire to spin off and worry.

It's a work in progress, but, progress nonetheless. Thanks for everyone's input.

 

[rareboy]

and says that i'm on "probation"

Too damaged.

Run while you can.

This won't end well. When do you make the grade? When are you finally considered good enough? Will he be judging you on everything you do?

No wonder he has had problems with relationships in the past.

 

[hylas]

yeah, the "probation" thing threw me off a little as well, but i think it might have been a reaction to breath's clingyness (no offense). personally, i would never use the word "probation" for a potential relationship, but i have to say, i also insist on having a very long "courting phase" where im all "yeah, this is nice, this has potential, i might be willing to commit, lets see where this goes" and i dont think im damaged... i just dont take words like "relationship" and "commitment" lightly.

 

[breatheH20]

I do think my clingyness threw up some flags at least. I'm trying to pull it back some; I have a tendency to fall for a guy easily once I get comfortable.

As far as the "trial" period goes, he made it clear that he just wants to take things slow, since the last few ex's he's had really turned out to be awful people; he fell for them incredibly quickly. We're still feeling each other out, and I'm not put off by the idea of him slowly bringing his guard down.

 

[blahblahblah2007]

This reminds me of myself (you do) and the situation I'm currently in.

This thread has been helpful.

I love what someone said above: that if it's meant to be and you really are right for each other, taking your time will not get in the way of that.

A little while ago, I didn't see this guy for 3 weeks, and by the 2nd or third week we were quite out of touch. But we both just needed our space. Then the next time we saw each other it was right back to normal.

It's okay to give each other space, and be cautionary-- just casually court each other and see where it goes.