Advice needed please...

[saxappeal]

I've been in a committed long-ish distance relationship with a guy for 7 months now. We met online and hit it off right away. We talk every night either on the phone or skype and have done so for the entire relationship. He lives about 2.5 hours away and I drive to see him every 1-2 weeks. For the most part we get along great and don't hung up on the little things.

But - I have something bothering me about this relationship:

Three times now I've seen him talking with other guys. I brought it up to him the first time and he laughed it off. He told me it was a harmless flirt on a website and that he didn't mean anything by it. I trust him and believed what he said and it wasn't brought up again. Now in the past month I have seen texts from his ex and emails to another guy. I bring it up again and he gets pissed at me. He tells me that these two were cases of guys approaching him and that he doesn't think anything of it. He again claims harmless internet flirting and that nothing has or will ever come of it.

Am I being too nosy? Am I being led on? Am I worrying about nothing?

 

[G-Lexington]

I guess I'd put it to you this way. Imagine you DIDN'T see him chatting with other guys. How would you feel about the relationship? Do you feel ignored? Do you feel you're doing all the work when it comes to contact?

Lex

 

[saxappeal]

>How would you feel about the relationship?

Other than the fact that him and I don't have sex on a regular basis and I see him talking about doing it with other guys? It was absolutely fantastic until I uncovered this gem...

I should also mention that pictures were exchanged and times and locations were given in the last instance of this...

 

[TigersWood]

>

Other than the fact that him and I don't have sex on a regular basis and I see him talking about doing it with other guys? It was absolutely fantastic until I uncovered this gem...

I should also mention that pictures were exchanged and times and locations were given in the last instance of this...

dump his sorry ass.

TigersWood

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I should also mention that pictures were exchanged and times and locations were given in the last instance of this...

Well, then it's up to you. Assume that he's always going to be flirting with other guys. This may include photo exchanges, and location exchanges, and (for all you know) fluid exchanges. Then decide if, since it's a long-distance relationship, you don't mind sharing him in this fashion. Or if you just want to move on.

Lex

 

[bankside]

I believe there is such a thing as harmless internet flirting. I'm not so sure I believe it goes so far as exchanging times and coordinates, which could be hook-up times.

But more than anything, I believe that your guy should, as a courtesy to you, knock it off even if it means nothing. Because if it means nothing, it should be really easy for him to give up. Asking him to do that does not make you a control freak. Him giving you that is just showing respect for your peace of mind. And anything I can do to let my guy know how I feel for him is easy for me to give.

Something's wrong here...my last concern if my guy confronted me with a worry like this would be getting pissed at him... My only concern would be "I'm so sorry it came across that way. I feel crushed that I did something to make you question my feelings for you, my commitment to you. I never want you to wonder how I feel about you. I will always be the first to tell you how I feel about us - you'll never have to guess." And even if it were truly harmless in my every intention, knowing that it bothered my guy would take all of the fun out of internet flirting - it would be the least fun thing in the universe, and I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. (Sorry guys, I know you're all disappointed! - that's just the way it is!)

As it happens, my guy showed me this web site, though he doesn't post here or even visit it really anymore. He would not be okay if I had some kind of manhunt account or something. But I post here because I wouldn't be ashamed for him to know it, and also because it wouldn't bother him.

Your gut says something is wrong - unfortunately, your gut might be right.

 

[saxappeal]

>>But more than anything, I believe that your guy should, as a courtesy to you, knock it off even if it means nothing. Because if it means nothing, it should be really easy for him to give up. Asking him to do that does not make you a control freak. Him giving you that is just showing respect for your peace of mind.

I would like it to work out this way and go back to having what was a good relationship... But at this point I'm kind of expecting the worst.

Thanks for all of your input on this though... I really needed an outside opinion on this.

 

[KaraBulut]

Flirting is fine. Keeping in touch with exes is fine.

However, it were all on the up and up, he'd be mentioning it to you before you confronted him. And he wouldn't be getting defensive when you ask about it.

Make your stance clear on this- that you want a monogamous relationship and while you think flriting is fine, you're insecure about issue of cheating and infidelity. And that if you catch him cheating, you'll drop kick his ass into tomorrow.

 

[saxappeal]

>>Make your stance clear on this- that you want a monogamous relationship and while you think flriting is fine, you're insecure about issue of cheating and infidelity. And that if you catch him cheating, you'll drop kick his ass into tomorrow.

I've done exactly this. He knows this.

Just an update:

We had a long conversation where I confronted him with all of the facts that I had including that I knew he still had profiles on cruising sites (all from the emails) and that he posted a craigslist ad the day after we parted ways for christmas vacation. The night before we said our goodbyes for xmas, he told me he wanted to abstain from sex for a while... apparently so he could fuck other guys.

I told him I knew about all of this and he again denied it and told me he couldn't take this anymore and that he was done. He said he couldn't handle my jealousy with this and hung up on me a few times. Later that night he said he would "give me another chance" and we've been "okay" since then. I'm waiting until I can see him face to face in a few days and I'll know more.

 

[bankside]

He doesn't understand, (and I'm not sure you do either) that you are the one giving him chances.

After a conversation like the one you just mentioned in your update, I'm not sure why. It's not that he can't handle your jealousy, it's that he can't handle your self-respect.

I dunno - I know you're trying to find a way forward and I know you'd like to know it could be with him. I know you are taking time to figure that out. But to be honest, for your health I hope you are still abstaning. If I found out about my boyfriend what you've found out about yours, I wouldn't have sex with him through a tarp, never mind anything more risky.

Please look out for yourself, and please don't buy the idea that you have something to apologize for or that you're being the unreasonable one. Like I said before, anybody with a brain knows that if they have a bunch of profiles on pure cruising sites, his boyfriend is not being unreasonable to ask about it.

I'm sorry, but I think this one is done. Take care.

 

[saxappeal]

>>He doesn't understand, (and I'm not sure you do either) that you are the one giving him chances.

Oh I do... But trying to get him to think this way is almost impossible.

When I go to see him next, I'll be bringing a pickup truck. Literally, I will be taking anything that is mine and leaving my key to his place and my feelings for him there.

On a possibly related side note, what are the symptoms of bipolar disorder? Was The Informant with Matt Damon a good example? Because I'm beginning to suspect something like this.