advice on my life !!

[GetOuttaMyWay]

so right im 18 i live at home with my mum dad and family and go to college. im not out to my family apart from my sister but the rest of the world know XD. i always feel like that when i come out and there just gonna hate me nd im gonna ruin there lives so i got over that and decided that what they dont know wont hurt them and here comes my problem ...

im single and i really wanna be with someone. its not like im repulsive haha i meen im 6ft3 about 13.5 stone i have huge brown eyes and dark hair and i consider myslef pretty ok (im no marco da silva but im defo no susan boyle either hahah)

so i get a bf and we get a little serious and he wants me to come out to my family so we can be like one happy family then when i dont want to do it we end up spliting up. and this has happened to me a few times now.

its not like im not proud of who i am cus i am but you all know how hard it was to come out and im just a little scared to incase i get kicked out by my dad or hurt or somethin

so i just want a man that will look after me and dosnt mind that i have family issues XD and that just wants to try and make me happy and not get all bitchy when i wont come out

so im just askin on what you lot think and stuff. like what should i do just to try and make things easyer for myself and if i should just wait till i come out to get a bf and stuff .if you wanna no anythin eles about my crazy life just ask XD

and if your out there and like super crazy closet cases like myself let me no hahaha jokes im not that crazy im pretty cool tbh ahahah

haha well done me i really no how to sell myself lol

much love will

 

[altlover85]

just wait till i come out to get a bf and stuff

There, you answered your own question. I honestly think things will go smoother if you just wait until you come out to find a boyfriend.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm not sure what you're saying here.

So you know why guys you date don't want to be your dirty little secret, but you don't want to do anything to change that?

So if you search really really hard, perhaps you'll find a guy even deeper in the closet than you are, and voila, problem solved?

?

 

[GetOuttaMyWay]

well i know i should just wait but i dont want to ...

I'm not sure what you're saying here.

So you know why guys you date don't want to be your dirty little secret, but you don't want to do anything to change that?

So if you search really really hard, perhaps you'll find a guy even deeper in the closet than you are, and voila, problem solved?

?

i dont think i should have to change it tbh i think that they should no how hard it is and kinda just let me deal with it how i want to deal with it :/ and im really not that deep in the closet theres 5 people in the world that i would rather not tell i think that pretty good considering im only 18 haha

 

[altlover85]

If you are going to do what you are going to do, why did you ask for advice?

 

[TX-Beau]

It's precisely because we all know how hard it is to deal with that none of us want to be pushed back into the closet.

You're asking that the guy lie to your family, or be hidden from them, is that fair?

Perhaps the guys leave so you can deal with it on your own schedule. It's also not fair for you to expect them to wait around behind your closet door until you're ready to let them out.

 

[slnattak]

okay what both of you are doing wrong here (you and the dudes you date), is you are taking this 'gay thing' as being more serious than it really is.

Learn to lighten up man. Or you'll never get through anything. Your parents have some realistic concerns, they don't want you to just be some whore...they don't care if you're gay, they just want you to find love and happiness like everybody else.

What you and your boyfriend are doing, the only thing wrong you are doing is making it a more serious issue than it really is. And a lot of gay men do this, they take themselves too seriously - with shows like six feet under, a lot of gay guys think their homosexuality is some hyperserious tragic thing or something?

Try making fun of yourself. Try gently abusing yourself and your faggotry, to get you to lighten the fuck up about it. You need to just get that this is just a part of you, it's not a whole part. You are a gay man, but you're so much more than a gay man. Honestly it's like what a lot of therapists used to say to me. "You're gay. So what?" It sounded insensitive when I first heard it, but it's soooo true. You want to all emo-ishly talk about it and talk about the pain it brings when really it's doing nothing of the sort, ur just being ur own worst enemy.

And so I say to you the same thing that was said to me. so what. You're gay. You prefer men romantically/sexually over women. WHO CARES????

And once you stop caring, you can take boyfriend home to mom!

 

[Echoes]

There're only a few men out there willing to wait for you and cope with your closet issues, try to find one but don't get all weird and sad when they ditch you.
If you're looking for some casual sex and hooking up once in a while, you'll find tons of men ready for a one night stand who won't even care about your family. On the other hand if what you're looking is a serious relationship, you know what to do.

 

[GetOuttaMyWay]

i never thought it should bother them that much i thought that it was my problem and that it shount effect them that much but i guesse your right TX_Beau im not really being fair to a guy if im askin him to lie for me

i just wish thing were easyer, you know

 

[slnattak]

You guys are being a little hard on him. he's 18. I never met any 18 year old gay boy that was self-confident. lol. Being that young and that gay is hard. Let's stop acting like we're better than him. Cause we're not.

He's just not very mature yet. I mean he says he wants love but he has such a snarky profile name??

An 18 year old is in no position to be some tragic hero/overly serious gay activist that you want him to be. And guess what? you guys aren't either. So lighten up a bit. He won't get through this gay thing if he doesn't learn how to have a laugh.

 

[Echoes]

i just wish thing were easyer, you know

yeah, but they aren't. It's really hard to do it and face it but most of the times it's not as bad as we thought it was, usually people say why didn't I do it before? It has its rewards though, you feel a lot better and freed, plus it makes a lot easier to find a partner.

good luck.

 

[GetOuttaMyWay]

thanks slnattak haha and my profile name is a song i wasnt tryin to be snarky your right tho im not very mature i just wanna be 18 and have some fun the gay part of my life just seems to get in my way sometimes :/ nd i no your all right and thanks for you advice

 

[altlover85]

thanks slnattak haha and my profile name is a song i wasnt tryin to be snarky your right tho im not very mature i just wanna be 18 and have some fun the gay part of my life just seems to get in my way sometimes :/ nd i no your all right and thanks for you advice

Kylie's new album Aphrodite, right? I love that album.

 

[GetOuttaMyWay]

YHH IT ISS !!! its a right good album

 

[KaraBulut]

There's really two issues here.

The timeline for your coming out is your own timeline. While it never hurts to have a little push from supportive friends, only you know when you are ready and only you can anticipate the responses- good or bad- from the people in your life. If boyfriends are pressuring you to come out for their benefit, then they're wrong to do so.

Which brings us to the second issue. Granted that you are young and you have more idealistic expectations about relationships, but there's something a little concerning about this:

so i just want a man that will look after me and dosnt mind that i have family issues XD and that just wants to try and make me happy and not get all bitchy when i wont come out

Boyfriends aren't parent substitutes. Dating is supposed to be for the fun of the experience. When dating turns from casual to serious, there are aspects of the relationship where two people do take care of each other but it's not in the same way that you're talking about.

Be careful not to trade parents for a boyfriend. It seems that these guys want you to come out to your parents so that they can intercede in your relationship with your parents. That's not a good thing. If you were to meet someone who is very nice, who you cared about and who cared about you then it would be a natural thing to introduce them to your family. However, you shouldn't be pressured to do so.

 

[altlover85]

Be careful not to trade parents for a boyfriend. It seems that these guys want you to come out to your parents so that they can intercede in your relationship with your parents. That's not a good thing. If you were to meet someone who is very nice, who you cared about and who cared about you then it would be a natural thing to introduce them to your family. However, you shouldn't be pressured to do so.

How many guys want to be with a closeted guy though?

Or is your point more that anyone who doesn't want to be with closeted guys shouldn't be dating them in the first place?

 

[KaraBulut]

How many guys want to be with a closeted guy though?

Or is your point more that anyone who doesn't want to be with closeted guys shouldn't be dating them in the first place?

A man is a man. Closet or not.

My point is that underlying this is an artificial dilemma: "If you care about me/if our relationship is serious/if we have a future, then you will...".

That's not a good place to be in a relationship. If the ultimatum is "If you want to be in a relationship with me, you'll come out to your parents" then that's a deal-killer.

On the other hand, if the issue is, "We're making a commitment, we're building a life together and I want your family to be part of that life..." then that's something altogether different.

 

[fantod217]

I'm just as confused as you are GetOuttMyWay. The only people I am not out is my family. I personally wouldn't care if I couldn't meet my bf's family and he certainly won't be meeting mine unless we have been together for a long time. You just have to keep searching for the right man.

 

[altlover85]

My point is that underlying this is an artificial dilemma: "If you care about me/if our relationship is serious/if we have a future, then you will...".

That's not a good place to be in a relationship. If the ultimatum is "If you want to be in a relationship with me, you'll come out to your parents" then that's a deal-killer.

On the other hand, if the issue is, "We're making a commitment, we're building a life together and I want your family to be part of that life..." then that's something altogether different.

I sort of understand the difference, but not quite.

Is the issue that ultimatums are bad? I basically see the first and second issues as being very similar, if not the same. The only difference I see is that in the first instance there isn't clarity about what the person who is saying come out of the closet actually wants.

I can somewhat understand being with someone and saying if you want to be with me for the long term, you'll have to come out at some point. What I don't understand is why someone would want to date someone in the closet.