Advice on what to do with a homeless 18yo

[thorne8791]

Ok, first let me preface this with the fact that I'm not trying to date or hook up with this kid. I'm twice his age and he's way too young to even think about that with.

So, I was on grindr talking to a friend after midnight on Sunday night when this kid messaged me out of the blue. He introduced himself, then proceeded to ask for help. His mother, who he'd just moved in with, had thrown him and all his stuff out of her apt. He was outside, it was raining, and he couldn't reach anyone he knew.
I asked if he could call his Dad, he said he lives in another city, and had thrown him out when he found out he's gay. I asked if he could call his grandparents for help, he said he's only got a grandmother and she's in a nursing home.
So I agreed to pick him up and let him crash with me till morning when he could reach any friends. Which I did, and we hung out for about three hours and were ready to go to sleep when a friend of his, a 22yo gay guy who I have no info at all on, told him if I brought him to the guy's place he could stay with him. I thought that would be the end of it, good deed done. I drove him there and gave him my number in case things went bad, then came home feeling good that I'd helped this kid.
Well he started texting me on Monday morning, asking for other bits of help. Do I know how he can get a social security card, can I drive him there? Do I know anything about how to get him public assistance, can I drive him there? Can I come get him so he can do his laundry at my house? Do I know where he can get a state ID card, can I give him the money to get one and take him for it?
This is all basic human needs stuff, which I totally understand, I just don't want or need the responsibility of taking care of this kid. He's adorable like all 18yo's, well mannered, smart, etc. I just don't really want to get more involved and have him reliant on me, I thought my part was done when I helped unload his stuff at his friends place.
I know he hasn't contacted his mother, he'd told me she'd gone nuts and thrown him out over his asking for a key so he could get back in to the apt. He says she's bi polar so he doesn't want to go back to that. I feel terrible for this kid, he has no one, but again I don't really want to get more involved.
Should I suck it up and help however I can? Should I just block him and not give it another thought?
I mean I was sleeping off some food poisoning tonight at 3am when he texted asking about the ID and money...dunno what to do.

 

[Ambition92]

It sounds like a really awful situation for the kid. With that said, and you've already kind of answered this - you have to decided how deep you want to get here. If you want to do the good deed and drive the kid here and there then that's incredibly nice of you and a real stand up thing to do. If not, you should tell him tactfully that he's not your responsibility. You seem like a nice guy just trying to do the right thing, but I personally would draw the line when he starts asking for money. That's a slippery slope and like you said, this kid could easily start relying on you for a lot if he has no other support systems in place. Worst case would be him taking advantage of that kindness, but hopefully that wouldn't be the case.

 

[thorne8791]

Thing is I do feel bad for him, he seems genuinely nice. I just don't have the finances currently to do anything monetary for him, barely have enough for myself right now. Another issue is my car is getting work done tomorrow, and may be stuck at the garage until Friday some time. So running him all over town is tough as well. It'd have to be today, and right now I'm still sick from whatever it is I ate on Monday. I just don't want to leave him with no support, but at the same time I don't want the responsibility of this, especially since he's so young.

 

[swerve]

I wouldn't get involved any further.

I'm sure that there is more to his side of the story that you don't know about.

It wouldn't surprise me if he has several "good samaritans" that he is currently "working". Always start with little things that seem innocuous.

I mean -- who turns to Grindr for help?

Based on what you've written -- I don't believe him.

And it pains me to write this on the "off chance" that he isn't working a scam.

You got him to his friends -- and I'm sure they have more friends that can help.

This is my cynical perception.

Either way -- you are certainly an awesome guy!

 

[thorne8791]

I know I'm a sucker, usually too trusting, but when I picked him up he did have All his belongings. Luggage, backpack, laundry bin filled with stuff. That's why I'm believing his story, I mean if he was scamming why ask for rides to get a SS card or to the public assistance office, or money to get an ID? He hasn't asked for money just to ask for it, either way though I don't have any extra to give. I emailed a close friend of mine yesterday for advice as well but he's not around either it seems.
I don't even know if he can get public assistance without a photo ID...so taking him there might be a waste of time anyway...ugh!

 

[eastofeden]

Tough one...I would be asking for opinions too.

I know I would not let him in my house...but I might make sure he has what he needs immediately for a better chance....

Over the years for various reasons I saw people who I knew needed some help immediately and I usually bought them a few days at a motel and some food....just to make sure during their vulnerable time that they had a safe place and didn't do anything stupid or become a victim of crime...

It usually didn't help turn anything around and I knew that ahead of time....but when you see someone at the end of their rope....doing what YOU can do is a nice gesture....and you gotta figure out what that is.

Unfortunately..at that age..there will be people who want to "help him" that will do the opposite....

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I think you're being hustled.

 

[eastofeden]

I think you're being hustled.

That is always something to keep on the table..which is why I would never take them to my house....

The red flag here is sending a PM to a stranger on the internet....not a good sign BUT possibly a real situation...

Tough one to call for me...

 

[thorne8791]

Been thinking and thinking and thinking about the whole situation and I just can't get involved with him any further. Even if he's actually being 100% honest, which I think he is, one favor will lead to another, and another, and so on. And I really can't afford (emotionally or financially) to be his support system. All I wanted to do was make sure he got somewhere safe, which he did. Decided to block his Grindr profile and his number from my phone. He's staying with that 22yo guy, I don't see why he can't help him out with all this stuff. I'm 8 miles away from where he's staying now anyway, 16 mile round trips just aren't convenient even if this was a guy I wanted some type of relationship with, which I don't. Thinking blocking is the best thing I can do.

Oh, and about the whole contacting someone on grindr for help...I'm looking at that like if you can msg a strange guy for instant sex, why not use it for help if you're in a bad situation and can't reach an actual friend? That night, according to the online indicator, there were only a couple of local guys on. If I hadn't been on right then who knows what might've happened to this kid.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

Take him to a Covenant House, or a church that shelters homeless people.

 

[thorne8791]

I'd sooner take him directly to Trump than any organization run by some religious group...they're all just pure evil in my book. Moot now though, blocked him as I said, trying to disract myself because I'm feeling guilty for abandoing this kid I only spent a few hours with. Having a conscious sucks!

 

[Kyanimal]

You should feel good about all you've done already. However, instead of blocking him, leaving him "in the dark", I would rather explain to him my reservations, and limits, while still wishing him well. "As much as I'd like to help you, I'm not in a good position to do that. I hope things work out for you. Take Good Care!"

My partner, and I, have a history of taking in "strays", him more so than me. I've lost track of how many people have used our address as theirs, for months, and in rare cases, years. It helps that we have a good sized house. But, it was always with the understanding that it was a temporary arrangement, and they were expected to do as much as they could to support themselves. They were also expected to help out around the place, to the best capacity that they could.

We offered a place to stay until they could get out on their own, again.

And, now there is stuff in my basement, and attic, that I don't know what belongs to who. HA!

We've never had any real problems, and we were happy that we were able to be there for them when they needed a helping hand.

"Your guy" sounds like he's making a sincere effort to get himself established, getting his ID, etc. He's showing signs of taking responsibility for himself as soon as he can. Yes, he is certainly "in need" right now, and grasping at straws. But, to his credit, he's making an effort to reach a better place than the situation he's suddenly found himself in.

That he's staying with his 22yo friend is a good thing, maybe. We don't know about this "friend", but, then again, that's really not our business, as much as it might be a concern. If "your guy" is willing to stay there, then we have to assume that's O.K.

No, he isn't your responsibility beyond the fact that you've met him, and helped as best you can. You also have to keep in mind your limitations, and not jeopardize your own well being. If you put your own situation in danger, you won't be helping either of you, in the long run.

At lest let him know that. I'm pretty sure he won't think less of you. He's already in your debt. How he respects that will say a lot about him. (And, I'm not talking about "paying you back", or anything like that.)

You have already proven to be a great guy! You have already helped immensely. How things go for him is entirely up to him, though. He has to work with what he is presented. You can not, as much as you might think you should, take that on.

All the more reasons to ... and, I mean this most sincerely ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Telstra]

No need to block him.
If you cannot help further just tell him so.

Maybe later on, you might have other suggestions to tell him where he can find help.
Such as homeless shelters ... etc.

 

[KaraBulut]

Take him to a Covenant House, or a church that shelters homeless people.

I'd sooner take him directly to Trump than any organization run by some religious group...they're all just pure evil in my book.

Unfortunately, most of the resources for the homeless are faith-based organizations and they're the ones who are most likely to have the resources to provide temporary shelter.

Some of the faith-based organizations are doing it because it's part of their mission of good works and not because they have a conversion agenda. And there are some churches in major cities who have large LGBT memberships who have the ability to provide emergency housing for LGBT people.

If you do hear from him again, you might contact one of the national LGBT helplines to see if they have suggestions for assistance in your area.

LGBT Youth in Crisis Hotline 800-246-7743
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Helpline 888-843-4564
National Runaway Switchboard 1-800-786-2929

 

[Telstra]

^ yes, give that kid's number to those organisations who can help.

 

[thorne8791]

Unblocked him around nine pm, he did contact his mother, she's giving him twenty bucks but doesn't want him back. Some people just don't make decent mothers I guess. The ID costs thirty, I'll have to scrounge up the extra ten for him I guess.
He has a job lined up but needs the SS and ID card to make it official. Unfortunately I can't help with that until next week. Doing the kids laundry as I type this, I had to get him over to his mother so he could get his funds from her. I'll pick him up and drop him where he's staying. I feel better now that I know he's got a plan.
Oh, and the guy he's staying with doesn't drive. He'll be paying him rent once he starts getting paid. So that's the update. Thanks for the support guys!

 

[Telstra]

Drive all the way to his mum and only get $20 ?
How poor is that and in what country ?

 

[thorne8791]

I know right? When he told me she was giving him the money he needed to get started on his own I think he was expecting a lot more too, I know I was. What kind of mother does that??? Send your child out into the world with twenty bucks??? I tried to be upbeat for him but jeez, the poor kid! She treated him to wing bites too...mother of the goddamn year right there. Heartbreaking!

 

[thorne8791]

Oh, almost forgot he told me (I'm slightly drunk atm) and it just about made me cry when he said it, that he really appreciates my help because he doesn't have people that really help him.

Fuck! I really want to punch his mother... seriously.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just an FYI- children are required to have SSNs to be claimed on their parents tax returns. Chances are that he has an SSN, he just needs to get the card.

He's going to have trouble getting an ID and a new SSN if he doesn't have his birth certificate or another form of identification. He might want to get those from his mom.

It's great that you're helping him but you really need to hook him up with a social worker who can help him navigate to get the things he needs.