Advice Welcome

[alias]

Hi Guys,

This is my first post....so I am kinda new to all this. I am having a bit of trouble with a friend and figured I throw a post out to get some feedback.

I have been friends with a guy I work with for 4 years and we have amazing chemistry. Laughing, inside jokes, extended business trips, friendly poking, rubbing each other's shoulders and back, rubbing each others heads, extended hand touching, long gazes that end in both of us blushing, etc. I am openly gay and he claims he's straight. He has had a girlfriends off and on for some time, but is constsantly looking to get me alone to hang out and often treats me as someone he's dating when we're out.

He idolizes me is many ways - professionally and personally. He always seeks my approval from his clothes, to his hair cuts, to his hobbies and constantly is stressing that he knows that he is not up to par to the types of men that I find attractive. He has taken to buying the same kind of clothes I buy, suits, jeans, T-shirts...even down to my cologne and underwear. He has asked me what type and color of underwear I wear...and has speculated as to the type I have on in certain instances. He is the first to comment on how nice I look and is always very flattering.

The issue I am facing is that in the 4 years I have known him, he has kept his dating life a secret from me and goes out of his way to avoid talking about his dating girls with me...until it comes time to end a relationship. He seeks me out and has confided in me that he knows I'll tell him to end relationships he's unhappy with. These conversations end with him crying and confused and he has ended the relationships quickly after we talk. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years and wanted me to go to Europe with him in her place for a few days. Additonally, he is becoming increasingly critical of the relationships I am in and becomes jealous of men I find attractive. From anyone in the office...to Anderson Cooper....there is always a snide comment, or criticism as to what I find attractive about them.

I have been around the block a few times and from the level of intimacy we seem to share, it seems that he has deep feelings for me. Despite his behavior, he claims to be straight and will force me to acknowledge women he finds attractive. Its like he wants to rub my shoulders and give me a longing gaze...but wants me to know that he thinks the blonde girl across the room is "so hot". I'm totally confused as to what to do...I don't want to be that gay guy who wants his friend to be gay...but I can't make sense of his behavior. We have discussed homosexuality several times and he has explained that he is from a strict Irish-Catholic Boston family and he has stated several times that being gay is pretty much forbidden in his family. Coming out is essentially would not be an option for him if he is gay as his family has very strict views...and I guess I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this as a barrier with anyone they know.

I am conflicted because we have an amazing connection, but continuing on this path is a bad idea. I don't want to give up on a friendship...but I sometimes feel used. Its like I am a secret relationship he keeps from his friends and family. He doesn't want me to really know them, and has never let me get to know any of the girls he is dating. Despite the fact that we are good friends, he won't let me into that part of his life and I don't know why. He gives me music - like "Defying Gravity" and "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked...and about a year ago on a business trip, we got drunk in First Class and asked me to listen to this Damien Rice song off his iPod, and got up and walked away for a bit:

Sand

You keep me in a glass jar sealed with a label
You think you know my world
Wake up young girl, you've got a lot to learn
My love, my life, my work, my time
I give them all to you
Your hand in mine
We walk, we talk in ryhme
We go the whole night through

I'm not a grain of sand
I don't care what's written in your hand
It's bound to change

Sore, bored, and I'm lost, cost, cold
Getting older
Wrap it up, rip it up now
Have it sold
I'm a grower
Any more, any more, any more, any more...
I wanna be with you
Just wanna be with you

But you tease me
And it shows in the way that you play
You think you know my love
Wake up young girl
And take a taste
Not a bite, not a bite of a life now
Can tell you never come, yeah well
My will, my mind
My lips, my lines
I've got them all over you

Your taste combined
With all the years of wasting time
I've got a hold on something new
I'm not a grain of sand
I don't care what's written in your hand
Cause it's bound to change

So I'm bored, and I'm lost, cost, cold
Getting older
Buy the book, rip it up now
Have it sold
I'm a grower
Any more, any more, any more, any more...
I wanna be with you
Just wanna be with you
I don't wanna pray for what is not right
And I don't wanna beg for what is not mine
I don't wanna rock the road between dreams and worldly things
I could charge, and I could really try
But I don't wanna be the brave one
In a senseless fight
I, I, I just wanna be here tonight

Sore, bored, and I'm lost, cost, cold
Getting older
Wrap it up, rip it up now
Have it sold
I'm a grower
Any more, any more, any more, any more...
I wanna be with you Just wanna be with you

Sore, bored, and I'm lost, cost, cold
Getting older
Buy the book, rip it up now
Have it sold
I'm a grower
Any more, any more, any more, any more...
Any more, any more, any more, any more...
Any more, any more, any more, any more...

You keep me in a glass jar sealed with a label You think you know my world
Wake up young girl

********************************

I think I'd be OK if he just treated me as one of the guys, but his secrecy and behavior have me wondering what he wants from me. We're on a business trip right now (hence the late night post) and we ended up in a gay club arm in arm and we ended up kind of cuddling, and then dancing for a bit. Has anyone been in this boat before....I could use the help because I just don't know how to proceed. I don't want to read anything into all this...but at the same time, its all confusing and I just don't want to get hurt.

Thanks,

Alias

 

[KaraBulut]

Your friend is most likely gay but if he hasn't had an epiphany in 4 years, then there's not much of a chance that he's going to admit it- to you or to himself.

And he's pretty much told you why he feels like he can't be gay- his family and his religious beliefs.

I could use the help because I just don't know how to proceed. I don't want to read anything into all this...but at the same time, its all confusing and I just don't want to get hurt.

What you're not saying here is what you want from the situation.

 

[alias]

I'm really at just trying to determine how to move forward with the situation. We have been friends for a long time, and if I really think he's gay, I feel a responsibility to help him. He's a great person, and sometimes I just think he's stuggling, but he's tough to read.

I have thought thru a few scenarios and I really don't know if I'd want a relationship with him...I am really more confused as to why he is fixated on me. And why if we are so close on some levels, physically and emotionally, that he excludes me, and is sometimes so secretive.

So, I am really just trying to make a plan as to how to handle things moving forward...I care about him as a friend and want him to be happy.

 

[hanzosword]

I think you should probably cut back on the shoulder rubbing and physical stuff until you find out what he really wants from you. I think you should ask him flat out if he wants to be with you and tell him that he has to do what makes him happy and not his family.

Judging from his jealousy he obviously loves you and wants you for himself. Does he know your other friends/family members?

 

[PabloZed]

I believe these "friendships" are more common that you would think. I had to go into therapy because I had a similar relationship with a friend in school. We became fast friends, started sitting together in class and hanging out on weekends. One difference is that I was pretty convinced he was straght even though I convinced him over a weekend in Chicago to give me a kiss. Like your friend he often criticized who I hung out with and when the next year rolled around he insisted we become roommates even though I had agreed to live with some other friends.

Eventually, I was so confused that I went to see a doctor for depression. My lesson was to never get into another ambiguous relationship. They don't end well. And if that requires me to be a little more straightforward with some guys, so be it.

My friend is married with kids now.

 

[backpacker]

From what you have written, he sounds like a closet case. Of course some of the comments that you have repeated could mean a lot of different things depending on the context of the situation.

He keeps you separate from his family and friends because he is afraid somebody will figure out his secret. Do people at work talk about the two of you or him? Another reason could be that being gay is so unacceptable to his family, he doesn't want them to know he has a gay friend.

If in fact he is gay, he if conflicted about his religious beliefs and family. He may be infatuated with you since you are openly gay. He may find fault with gay guys that you mention because he may fear that agreeing with you will make him look gay. Being jealous may indicate that he has some thoughts about you, which is really more of a fantasy than anything. You are the only gay guy he is friends with and therefore you may have become the object of his desires. The reality is that if he ever does come out, any sexual relationship you would have would probably be short lived. Once a guy comes out, they normally feel so free that they end up wanting to experiment. They need to get through the "gay rebirth" before they are ready for a serious relationship.

You should continue to be his friend, but live your life as you normally would. Find yourself a serious boyfriends. Decline invitations to travel with him. Cut the physical contact out. Freely tell him about your boyfriends and when he makes unfavorable remarks, let him know you don't appreciate them. Basically you need to establish normal friendship boundaries and don't let either one of you cross them. Remember, the issue is not just his behavior, but both of your behaviors. Good luck!

By the way, if he asks why things have changed, tell him the relationship was not healthy for either one of you. If he presses for more information, you can explain all the stuff you mentioned here. Don't say that he's gay, just say it's like the two of you are in a gay relationship and only one of you are gay. That will allow him to save face and the two of you to continue a friendship.

 

[alias]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for all of the advice - sounds like setting normal relationship boundaries is the best way to go. I do wish I could help him with what he is struggling with - it seems that he wants more from me than friendship...and I with there was a way to help