advise on being out and other stuff

[callen89]

Hey everyone, sorry if this turns into a lengthy message filled with questions and concerns. I just have a lot on my mind and I don't know where else to turn, except for maybe counseling. But you all let me know what you think.

So a couple of weeks ago I started dating this guy, and I actually started a thread on here trying to help me figure things out being as it was my first encounter in dating another man. Long story short we broke up after a month because he felt that he would be better off without a boyfriend, didn't give any specific details on why but w/e. While we were dating though I semi-came out to my family. My family has always know about the relationships that I have been in so it was very uncomfortable for me not to talk to them about a person I was dating. In the process of telling them that I was dating a guy up at my school and trying to figure things out, they all accepted it and said it could be a phase or permanent, but either way they all still loved me, which I was extremely grateful because I thought I was going to be dis-honed. Now I still find women attractive, but the way I felt about this guy was ridiculously intense and I never thought I could feel that way about a man, but I did. If it weren't him I would have never told my family that I am questioning my sexuality and trying to figure things out so I am no longer miserable. But at the same time I am so angry at him because he dumped me after a month with pretty much no real good reason, except its what was best for him; which in retrospect the relationship was 70-30, me giving the 70, so I guess I'm better off, i dunno.

I'm just not really myself right now and its really frustrating. In HS I was kinda of an angry person, had a huge chip on my shoulder and very little things would set me off and I would become very defensive. I haven't been that way in like 5 years, but I feel myself feeling that exact same way again and I don't like it. I feel that if it gets worse I'll start to push my friends away that I have made up here and just do w/e. I just transferred to the college I am attending this semester and living on campus with a roommate which is whole other stress factor. I am not doing well in 2 of my classes (D's), I can turn one of them into a B still, but I don't think I can pass the other class I'm in (Calc 3). It is really frustrating because since college I have not done this bad in any of my classes and I am not sure what to do.

To place the icing on the cake, I'm also pretty sexually frustrated. I have dated a handful of women and had sex with them but its been over 3 years since I have had sex with one. And right now I am focusing on my attraction to men so I want to have experiences with them, which I was doing until my BF broke it off. I'm a virgin when it comes to anal sex, but I've done pretty much everything else with a guy. The only problem with me is that I am very old fashioned I guess because I don't sleep around, the women and guy I have been with "sexually" have all been exclusive partners. I know a lot of the gay community thinks I'm crazy for not enjoying sex just for what it is, sex. But I personally believe a thing like that should be shared between two people that care about each other no matter who your with.

So I didn't really ask any questions in that long slew of text, but I guess my questions would be: Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to change anything? And should I talk to a counselor on campus?

Any advise it much appreciated, Thanx!

 

[anchihiro]

Erm.....study harder, work more......hmmmm........have a wank if you're sexually distracted.....realise that you simply need time in order to move on from your break up because you lack a sense of clarity and finality to it.....erm....dunno.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah first priority is your grades problem, things won't look better on Academic probation.

I hated upper division Calculus with a white hot hatred. I feel your pain. Find a tutor.

If you aren't into the hook up - though for me sex is a really good method of stress relief - then you're going to have to put in a lot of groundwork before you get there, and it'll be a lot easier to find a boyfriend if your life is stable.

 

[Seasoned]

It's never a bad idea to speak to a competent mental health counselor. Going it alone in times of stress adds stress.

Boyfriends, or girlfriends, for that matter, aren't meant to fill emptiness. The best and healthiest relationships are those comprised to two complete individuals coming together to create a third entity.

This period in your life is for learning and growing, making mistakes and learning from them.

Has the class drop date passed? If so take the tutoring advice already offered. Focus your attention on your classes. Once the semester is over you'll be able to put some more attention into relationship.

Seeing a counselor might help you manage your fear and anger so that you don't take it out on friends and run the risk of losing relationships.

 

[KaraBulut]

Out of curiosity, do you have any friends- gay or open-minded- that you can talk with?

Breakups are never fun- whether it's a straight relationship or a gay relationship. It's very much like any cycle of grief- denial, anger, bargaining and depression before you get to acceptance to the point where you can move on.

But with all the other things going on with you academically, you do need to seek counseling and tutoring services to help you through this bad period.

 

[lonnie1]

Reading all of this, I would sum it up this way:
1) Get your classes and grades in order.
2) Find someone to confide in--counselor or friend
3) Use your hand and wank off for the time being
4) There's nothing wrong with waiting for sex until you fall for someone.
5) Give it time.

 

[callen89]

Thank you all for your responses.

Yeah I know I need to get my act together with my classes, I really don't know whats wrong with me this semester. I will try to find a math tutor hopefully they can help prepare me for my last midterm before the Thanksgiving break.

@Kara:
I do have friends that are open-minded to me being gay and such, but when ever I talk to them about my feelings and such they just listen and offer advise which is good most the time, but what they also say a lot is I don't know how to help with "that" situation as in being in a gay relationship, and when I refer to "that" they aren't judging by any means they just don't know what to advise for that situation. Which is why I thought I should talk to a counselor about my emotions or what have you. Like i said before I am just really on edge a lot these days and I don't like it, not sure how to get past it.

As for wankin' it with good ol' righty, its very challenging to do that because I have a roommate I share a room with and 4 other roommates that live in the same apartment here on campus with me. So its kinda far and few between, not that I need it everyday. But it's also always nice to have that special someone to help you out every now and then, I just don't have that anymore.

@lonnie1:
I really do want to wait to have sex with the right guy. I always thought I would hold out and save my V-card when it came to girls for the right one, but in the end I didn't I just ended up doing it with an old girlfriend and to this day I still kind of regret that. So I don't want it to be like that when it comes to me losing my V-card to a guy.

setting aside the academic and Ex issues that I'm having, I am a good guy. I don't consider myself the best looking guy out there, but I have been told I am good looking and that I have a great personality. And setting aside my doubts and insecurities I do agree with them; I don't expect to find my prince charming with the current state of affairs, I just want to find someone that is willing to be in a relationship of equality, with equal give and take from both sides.

 

[KaraBulut]

@Kara:
I do have friends that are open-minded to me being gay and such, but when ever I talk to them about my feelings and such they just listen and offer advise which is good most the time, but what they also say a lot is I don't know how to help with "that" situation as in being in a gay relationship...

These sound like guy friends. Guys always want to say something or fix something.

Do them a favor. Let them off the hook by saying, "I'm not looking for advice. I'm just want someone to listen. And keep my drink refilled."

The drink part is optional but you get the idea.

 

[callen89]

Lol I get it it and would definitely appreciate my drink being refilled. But the friends I am referring to are girls. I have always been a girlfriend guy. I do have my close group of guy friends from back home, but most of the new friends I make are girls and a guy here or there.

 

[TX-Beau]

...Boyfriends, or girlfriends, for that matter, aren't meant to fill emptiness. The best and healthiest relationships are those comprised to two complete individuals coming together to create a third entity...

This is so incredibly essential and fundamental, I wish I had a way to burn it into so many guys who come in here for advice.