advise/update on dating and meeting guys (read: pretty discouraged)

[lipbalm]

Hello,

I havent been on this forum for years--I lost the account login and finally was able to reset it.


Last time I was on here was four years ago--I had just told my Mother I thought I was gay--and was trying to meet people.


Fast forward to now--I have told my Mom, brother and Dad that I am 95 percent sure I'm gay and I need to find a guy to get into a relationship with and see what that's like which has always been my goal, I told my Dad three years ago which was extremely hard for me to do--he doesn't approve and we never have spoken of it since.

I say 95 percent because Im open to the possibility of falling in love with a woman, though at the present time Im not sure that would ever occur.

My goal has always been to find a guy start dating, and see if being in a real relationship with a guy feels right for me.

I was initially very excited at the prospect of meeting a nice guy and starting to live my life, but I have become very discouraged and depressed as of late.

In the last three years I have talked to literally thousands of guys through every app you can think of A4A Grindr Scruff, Craigslist, OKcupid and so on, and have met probably 60 guys something like that.

Most only wanted a one time hookup--despite saying they were open to more. I fooled around with some of them (nothing too serious) and it was fun at first, but now the thought of any kind of hookup turns me off--its so shallow and awkward, plus you dont really know the guy and people lie no matter how hard to try to screen people ---I am terrified of STDs from instances like this.


I have come a long way from a few years ago--where once I was terrified of sending a face pic I now send on within the first message, and I share details about my life.


In all this time with all those guys I only found one I really liked and he was the only one I ever actually dated--after a month and a half he let me know he wasn't into me like I was him and that was that--this was over a year and a half ago, from OKcupid. Cupid is the supposed "serious dating site" but in messaging many many guys over the last three years only like 15 even bothered to write back and I met 3 from there total IN FOUR YEARS. Other guys I know seem to be meeting and dating guys constantly. I am beginnng to believe its entirely me that is the cause.


Since then I spend about 3 hours at least every day trying to meet guys--most of the time they either just want to hookup or block me as soon as I send a face pic. All of my friends are either married or dating long term girlfriends, so I am alone almost all of the time and very lonely


I am very discouraged--- I try not to let things get to me but the constant rejection over three years is giving me a bit of a complex

To describe myself I am masculine (I know this is a loaded term but I am using it for descriptive purposes here) big beard, love hiking the outdoors, working on cars, exploring and going on adventures. I have been open to meet just about any guy willing to meet me, but more often then not we have absolutely nothing in common, and this is after talking in advance in texts or on the phone for a good amount of time---I feel like I am always on the outside looking in in regards to 'gay culture' In that I am low key and happen to like guys-. I hate to be stereotypical, but I am only going off of my personal experiences, but many guys I have met were very shallow and self centered, and into things that I have no interest in ie fashion, shopping, Rue Paul's drag race, and/or constant brunches.



I don't really know what to do differently -- I live in the suburbs about and hour from Manhattan--I have decent job and have my life together (other that this part) I am willing to drive or travel distances for something real, like the city but when I say where I live the response is always the same "oh thats soooo far" even thought its only 50 min by car with me doing the driving.

I am so sick of being nice and polite and assuming good in guys only to get instantly blocked when I send a face pic or ghosted on after making plans and chatting for a long time.

Any Advise guys? I really am tired of putting myself out there and getting no where

 

[SeaCore]

For transparency, I've never dated anyone, but it's not unheard of for there to be gay meetups focused on some sort of common interest. Like a gay hikers meetup. You could also set this up yourself if there isn't something similar in your area.

Tinder could also have some potential. Let's say you go to a car show or join a general hiking group, something centered on your interests, you could use it to find gay/bi people at those events. Set the distance the app will look for people to the minimum (1 mile) and see what happens. I don't think you even need to use Tinder specifically for dating, there are people that use it to just make friends. And you're more likely to find a relationship that sticks if a friend introduces you.

Also, could you elaborate on the face pic thing? Like, does your profile not show your face already? It'd probably be more efficient if it did, go ahead and weed out the people that're gonna go dark after seeing it.

As far as advice goes, I think aside from suggestions on places to go to meet other guys, there's not much for people to comment on. It might would be helpful for you to share what's in your profile. Maybe part of the problem is your approach doesn't appeal to the guys you want to find?

 

[KaraBulut]

...In the last three years I have talked to literally thousands of guys through every app you can think of A4A Grindr Scruff, Craigslist, OKcupid and so on, and have met probably 60 guys something like that...

I am so sick of being nice and polite and assuming good in guys only to get instantly blocked when I send a face pic or ghosted on after making plans and chatting for a long time.

Any Advise guys? I really am tired of putting myself out there and getting no where

To put this into a metaphor, you're looking for a healthy meal but most of the apps where you're looking are fast food restaurants for hookups. There are guys who meet friends and guys to date on these apps but for the most part, the apps are more known for "one and done" transactions.

Most of the rejections that you're getting are probably because you don't fit into a "type" that the other person is looking for. Guys also play games and when they think someone is too eager, they tend to pull back and avoid the person (no logical reason- don't try to make sense of it).

If you want to meet quality people, the best way to do it is in person and through friends who know you. And that's probably the key to what wrong here: you probably don't have a group of gay friends or open-minded friends who know that you're gay.

The best way to meet people and to make friends is via things that you have in common with other people: the gym, social groups, gaymers, volunteer work, school activities, etc. When you have a group of gay friends, you'll find that you will be in social situations where you can meet more people and you're more likely to meet someone that is compatible with you and isn't judging you solely upon a picture and a few words in an app profile.

 

[Briacon429]

If you want to meet quality people, the best way to do it is in person and through friends who know you. And that's probably the key to what wrong here: you probably don't have a group of gay friends or open-minded friends who know that you're gay.

I agree with this 100%. It does take a while to make good friends, but once you do, it makes all the difference in the world.

Lipbalm, don’t feel bad if you aren’t into the gay scene. For the most part, neither am I (and neither are a lot of the other gay guys I know). There are definitely “gaybros” out there who like more stereotypically manly stuff, and who want to be with guys like that. You might check to see if you can find meetups in your area, or if you can find other ways to connect.

You also mentioned having a good job. That by itself can make you attractive, and it’s a way to meet people in its own right. Obviously you need to be careful (don’t shit where you eat!) but I’ve made a lot of good friends at work, and I know a lot of people who met their husbands/wives there. Most big companies nowadays have an official LGBT employee group, although a lot of employees may not know about it. I would recommend checking to see if your employer has one, and if so, getting involved.

 

[lipbalm]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the replies,

In regards to the face pic thing--I have face pictures that I send within the first two messages of talking to someone. At the current time other than my direct family and one close friend (and the people Ive met) no one knows I am gay. I probably wouldn't deny it if someone asked me, but I haven't been asked directly in years, plus I think to ever put someone on the spot with a question like that is very rude. (im 31) My family is very conservative and so are most of my friends. I've never felt that my sexuality was or should be the number one defining trait that people think of when they think of me--I can think of one very masculine guy whom I am aaquaiuted with that since he came out about a year ago everyone is 1. shocked that he was gay ( Oh he cant be gay he doesn't 'act' gay etc.) and 2 Is now and will always be seen as the gay Guy, rather than just Chris our friend (name is example here)


My company is very very pro gay, and I have several gay coworkers who ive worked along side for years--they have no idea I am gay. They all make the fact that they are gay very apparent to everyone and wear it on their sleeves===gay jokes, gay causes marching in pride parades. That is all fine but that will never be me.
I don't feel like who I want to love should be my whole identity and my sole 'community' I dont feel the need to have a seperate community.

The reason I dont have a face pic visible on most apps is that many of these cooworkers are on these sites, and constantly make new profiles so I cant just block them. Several of them are the chatty gossipy kind and so I do not want a face pic in my profile, but im happy to send.

On one app for several months okcupid I bought the ' incognito ' subscription which allows only people ive liked or messaged to see my profile with several face pictures showing (I cant believe I even attempted to pay for such a thing but I wanted to try :[ )

Out of hundreds of people ive 'liked' two people messaged me first--everyone else ive messaged doesnt even respond.

There are very few gay guys in this area at all let alone with the same interests. I am not in a position to, nor do I really want to move to a more urban area like NYC as some guys have suggested to to me--Im a country guy who likes the outdoors the city is not a fit.

 

[SeaCore]

There are very few gay guys in this area at all let alone with the same interests.

How do you know that?

 

[SeaCore]

This is something I thought of later.
Aren't you just delaying the inevitable? So you don't want to just be known as 'the gay guy.' But if you got a boyfriend don't you think it's likely that at some point people would become aware of them and you'd get the label anyways?

 

[jaysizzles]

I know you are reluctant to confide in your fellow gay workmates that you are gay, but they are probably your best source to meeting other gay men. I'm sure they have friends that are available and looking, and so on, etc. And, this doesn't mean you have to join in the events they do that you don't care for...stay true to you. However, being open with them and letting them know you are interested in dating someone with similar interests as yourself could just open up a new world of possibilities. The online approach isn't working, so what have you got to lose?

 

[lipbalm]

I know no one around my area has the same interests because I've been very actively looking for gay friends and relationships in my area for the last four years. In regards to why I don't just tell everyone now is that it has no real
Benefit now and only
Negatives--I told my bro three years ago and ever since he has been very different towards me and we have been fighting more--and a lot
Of my friends and especially family are very conservative--if I HAD a bf then I wouldn't care at all as I had someone who loved me and that would matter more than want people thought.

The guys at work are not
Really my friends only aquaintances and there iis a bit of an age/maturity gap most are in their early twenties-plus we have zero common interests and I don't want people minding my
Business at work

 

[Briacon429]

I know no one around my area has the same interests because I've been very actively looking for gay friends and relationships in my area for the last four years. In regards to why I don't just tell everyone now is that it has no real
Benefit now and only
Negatives--I told my bro three years ago and ever since he has been very different towards me and we have been fighting more--and a lot
Of my friends and especially family are very conservative--if I HAD a bf then I wouldn't care at all as I had someone who loved me and that would matter more than want people thought.

The guys at work are not
Really my friends only aquaintances and there iis a bit of an age/maturity gap most are in their early twenties-plus we have zero common interests and I don't want people minding my
Business at work

I understand it can be discouraging, but negativity doesn’t help. From what you’re saying, it sounds like you’re a little gun-shy from having been been burned in the past. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, but if you’re wanting to attract guys, then the best thing you can do is project self-confidence, humor and positivity.

I guarantee there are gay guys out there. I grew up in a small conservative town myself, so gay people weren’t easy to find, but they were there if you knew where to look. And if you really don’t feel comfortable in your area, move away; I know lots of people who did it, myself included, and we’re all glad we did. (I’m not saying you need to go to Greenwich Village or anything. Just someplace where you feel comfortable.)

I hope that helps, and i hope you find what you’re looking for—

 

[lipbalm]

Thanks for the reply--I am going to discgree with you here though I am
Not "gun shy" I am actively looking to meet guys daily in my area and it's not for lack of looking--as I mentioned earlier moving is not an option, and frankly even if it was I don't think it would help as I have tried meeting people while away from the area and it hasn't worked--it would seem I'm not too many peoples 'type' apparently and so I am rarely given a chance. Most guys I've chatted with on any app or even in person if they don't like your initial pic or your appearance or manner your a goner-- I always have felt you need to hangout with someone multiple times before you can draw a conclusion-- most have been very talkative and wanting to have a bf how they hate the hookup culture etc and how they like the same activities and as soon as I send a pic poof they block or ghost on me like we nver chatted or in person we have a nice time only to be nver heard from
Again

 

[SeaCore]

Go to a Pride event? There are lots going on throughout the year and hopefully there's one near you. The crowd is pretty diverse and there are booths and shops you can go to if the parade isn't you gig.

 

[hotscenic]

As an older guy please take note of some of my suggestions; I have only a few close gay friends and to meet others through them and in PERSON is most important. It is a facet i think of human nature to be fearful to a degree on first meeting people and it applies in the straight sphere as well you know.
A good example of what I am saying, i encountered the other day would you believe at a church charity cheap lunch at midday . I was in the adjacent cheap food shop looking at the range of food in the freezer ready to get into a line with other people to pay the grand total amount of $1 for a can of drink . The meal in the adjoining hall was $2 inc dessert. Anyway there was this drop dead georgeous looking guy who started talking to me and i asked him to go ahead of me in the queue. He was very friendly he told me that he jogged and he was local . He looked about 15 years my junior but so good looking and HUNKY . I was instantly feeling euphoric and we had a few more words and then he went to his table with some older men and they talked and ate etc. i was at my table with str8 people . I am absolutely determined if i see him there again and i do walk to this place since it is close to where i live, I am determined to really chat him up . I was home today laying down and thinking of his big dick ( it would be big ) up against me and we would get close . I share his passtime of keeping fit and we can talk about this as an opener ---ha ha! So what i am saying is you meet real guys and whether his is gay or not is another matter and you gain from the experience . In conclusion do what these other good respondants say here and TRY to get off tinder and grinder etc and other sites like these and get into the real world .
I went on grinder for a short period only about a year ago, and I found the guys on there left a lot to be desired . They were phoney and i think they lied and they exaggerated.There you are get out and get in amongst it !!