Afraid of commitment or just being stupid?

[Dastarr]

Hey guys,

Back with a bit of a dilemma, which really shouldnt be, but just wondering your thoughts. (sorry for the length too.. I write lots )

Basically my story is Ive been 'dating' and hanging out with guys here and there for about 3 years now, and its super hard to find decent guys to hang with, let alone attractive AND nice but not wanting to jump straight into sex, and for all the bullshit ive put up with, ive made a handful of great mates out of it so far.

So Recently ive been chatting to a really nice guy on facebook, and yesterday he drove out to hang out with me.

I've got the house to myself at the moment while mum's on hols, which is a rare occasion for me (I'm out to her though), so we watched some movies, played video games, went for a drive to the shops, and just ended up chatting heaps back at mine.

We've got heaps in common and he's great about me being really awkward and tongue tied until I get to know people better (which im getting better at, for practice he let me take charge all day and think of what we were gonna do, which is challenging for me at the best of times, but I did well and got more comfortable around him as the day went on)

so anyways part of my awkwardness is around never having a boyfriend and not having much sexual experience before or even overthinking how thats supposed to work if it comes to that or how open to be about sexual topics at an early stage, but eventually the topic changed to that sortof stuff and after him getting gradually closer to me on the couch for about 20 mins (we were basically being playful and in each others laps by this stage) He finally got me to make he first move and ask him if he wanted to make out (as mentioned before being forward like that isnt my strong suit due to lack of exp).

so we ended up making out in my room with our shirts off and just chatting more inbetween for about an hour or so talking shit, then I asked him if he wanted to stay over and he agreed. so we had dinner, watched another movie with him in my arms playing with my hand and then we went to bed in my room and he left the next morning.

so anyway, obviously this is a major thing for me, that level of 'Intimacy' I guess even though it wasnt that sexual, and on the first 'date' was fun, but today and even at moments during I still felt a little 'weird' about it and I really dunno why.

I think it's a combination of maybe things like that finally happening for me, but at the same time taking me out of my comfort zone and I just feel weird about it for some reason.

I'm a very looks orientated person I have to admit, and he's not bad looking or anything, its just I guess I don't get the 'phwoar' factor sexually like I would with someone I find really sexy to go along with the great personailty. I did enjoy the making out though dont get me wrong.

Also theres a fear that maybe i'm stil not ready for a full-on relationship, even though ive been waiting so long. Being that intimate (making out and 'sleeping' together - imagine how Id feel if we fucked on our first date!)probably scared me because im not used to it.

I guess what i'm trying to say is I dunno if these are real warning lights maybe I cant give him strong enough feelings back emotionally and sexually and if what I have is enough, or its me being stupidly scared and Ill miss out on something great cause ill always be chasing the 'really hot and nice guy around my age who has a lot in common and gets me, that completely blows me off my feet' that I may never find.

Is it normal not to have the strongest of strong fairytale/sexy feelings towards your potential boyfriend guys? is this unfair on him if he's into you, while im tossing up whether to wait for a better deal that might not come and what I do feel is enough?

I did like being cute with him with his arm around me in bed, I felt safe and stuff with him (he's two years younger than me, I'm 24 next month - we kindof compliment each other on different things i guess like experience level, helping with awkwardness...) and me holding him on the couch and us poking each other, playing with each other's hands, etc.

It's just been tearing my guts up all day and as much as I try to tell myself im being an idiot with anxiety issues, I dunno, should I see where this goes or maybe I should stay mates with him even though weve been a little like bfs already this early in the piece. I don't wanna hurt him a few dates down the track if we do end up taking it serious thats all.

Overanalyzing this too much after the one date I think but would be great to hear some thoughts, I hope it made some sense, bit of babble there. haha.

 

[benno5693]

I'd say try it out with him - a relationship that is! He sounds like he really loves you and he also brings the best out in you (confidence et al). To me, that could only read as a good omen...

 

[Brtyui]

Well no-one is asking you for a heavy serious relationship right off the bat. Just do what makes u comfortable and take things as they come - on a day to day basis. If your not comfortable with things just say so and talk to the guy.

My advice is just hang out with the guy, ask him out on more dates to see if there is that connection and if it turns in to a relationship then is that so bad?

I hope everything goes alright as i do understand where you come from in the commitment department as i am not a great lover of relationships myself, as i try to avoid them at all costs, but that being said I've ended up in one myself so all the best to you x

 

[subsonic]

I don't know why, but I think that this all reminds me somehow of myself..
I've been on a couple of dates and I always feel kind of "meh" and I'm unsure on of whether or not it should lead to something more.
Something tells me that your dilemma resolves mainly about anxiety. The guy you're with seems fun, nice and eager to take it slow and seems considerate. It's not very easy at all to find guys like that. But yeah, I definitely think that you should just keep on dating him and see what's going to happen. Don't do - as I do - and think too much about what's gonna happen if you suddenly find out you don't really think he's the right one for you for some reason. Just date and see where it takes you. As long as you are honest then he can't blame you for anything. How will you know if you don't just date and get to know him.. Try and relax about the whole thing and not put too much pressure on it.

And most importantly: listen to what your gut felling is telling you. As recent as yesterday I've learned that it's always right.

Best of luck to you

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Dastarr,

People are different from each other in an amazing amount of ways and that is also is the case for way of the development of a relationship between two friends, eg. you and this guy.

So there are no fixed rules (and please be very aware of this) how to 'organize' the friendship between you and him. That's totally something between you and him. Bottomline = it is good when both like the way how it goes. And its even better when both of you have an open and honest way of communication about this kind topics with each other.

Is it normal not to have the strongest of strong fairytale/sexy feelings towards your potential boyfriend guys? Is this unfair on him if he's into you, while im tossing up whether to wait for a better deal that might not come and what I do feel is enough?

So there is not such a golden rule about your feelings, and I cannot change them. Just talk with him about this, and it seems to me that he likes you as well very much. Well, people are also not perfect, so why should this be the case for you?

I did like being cute with him with his arm around me in bed, I felt safe and stuff with him (he's two years younger than me, I'm 24 next month - we kindof compliment each other on different things i guess like experience level, helping with awkwardness...) and me holding him on the couch and us poking each other, playing with each other's hands, etc.

And that's very good. Apparently, you like this way of interacting with him, and he as well. So why not go on with this for a while?

So I would like to advise you to go on with this friendship. It seems to me that he likes you very much. So why not go on for quite a while with things like watching movies together, driving around in the town, go shopping together etc?

Take care & please don't analyse too deep.

Best wishes.

 

[Dastarr]

Thanks guys, keep the responses coming.

Thinking it over more (which perhaps I shouldnt really be doing cause it drives me nuts hehe) I reckon that a lot of it is to do with not knowing how becoming serious works in the first place,

I think with us making out and being cute, that can feel pretty intimate to me because it hardly ever happens whereas to another guy that's nothing, bit of innocent fun that mightn't lead anywhere and they're ok with that.

Fucking someone on the other hand to some guys signifies something deeper to them and might require a serious 'so are we together' talk so feelings dont get shattered depending on how early that happens, I dunno. everyones different.

I guess in my situation we havent had a serious 'so are we exclusive' chat yet (if thats one of the ways it even works on the first date!) and if he thinks the light fun we were having implies something more or not.

But then I think even bringing that up might make it awkward cause it'll show im confused about my feelings for him and he might take it the wrong way, or seeing how things go without being too honest might hurt him as well in the end if he thinks like me and the kissing/etc means something deep to him.

I think I place too much emphasis over absolutely 'knowing' I wanna be serious or not with the guy on the first date too, because I'm tired of waiting, so I think when this happens and things do get a bit deep for me on the first meet (or even not, some hang outs are simply that and I just like the guy and hope it develops further on while being unsure if they like me as more than friends)

- sounds ridiculous but I feel like im already cheating on them by continuing to chat to other guys when in reality we havent had an exclusivity talk or I dunno if they even have feelings for me and light fun is innocent; whatever the case may be, its just me building things up way too quickly that mightnt even be there yet, and being afraid of missing a great shot, or plain hurting the other guy if things progress and it turns out thats not what I wanted because I 'm too eager for serious,

like ive wanted it for a long time but get scared when it comes to the crunch and something that might be comes along and Its not as perfect as ive made it in my mind and I dunno if thats how it should be in reality, these things arent always perfect more often that not or im making a mistake because im kinda desperate and rushing things at times.

Just thought that might help explain some more. Thanks for the input guys keep it coming, it helps me to talk this out, even though it looks like craziness a lot of the time haha.

 

[Brtyui]

To be fair you aren't exactly cheating, i look at dating as multiple or singular dating. You can go on multiple dates with men and just see what it is exactly they are all about , or you can just go on a single date with a guy and see what hes all about.

In no way is it cheating thou,as you haven't said could we start dating [ie the first steps before a relationship], and you aren't in a serious relationship at this very moment.

It is just how you see dating, some guys think dating many men is annoying and some don't, its just the process of seeing who's out there. I understand as i made a topic quite like this quite a while back.


p.s. wtf is the flame for

 

[Seasoned]

It seems as if, like many people, you live too much in your head. Part of the great fun of life is to let the loose ends be and just see where things go. Even when we figure out things in our head life has a way of moving along quite differently

Life is messy and full of uncertainty. The sooner you can develop a larger tolerance for that the less you'll need to second guess yourself. This guy sounds like a great person and someone from whom you might learn something. The two of you can keep things light while still enjoying each other. Hang out and begin to get comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with him. Have fun!

 

[Dastarr]

Hey guys just a bit of an update on this.

This guy and I are still friends on Facebook and comment on each others posts occasionally, have chatted maybe once or twice since we met three months ago now (He lives a good 2Hr+ drive away, and only comes closer every couple weekends or so, so that kinda contributed to us not meeting up since then)

I thought I was getting to be ok with the multiple dating thing and just letting things lie as is with this guy and moving on, but as I prepare for what could be my first real 'date' in those three months (been doing a lot of grindr chatting and making just a few friends in the meantime), I find myself feeling kinda confused and weirded out again in regards to where I left things off with this guy. It still feels sortof unresolved in my mind.

Im tossing up whether the way we left things when we met needs an official 'I Still wanna keep chatting/meeting in future, but only as friends' discussion if I start getting serious with another guy, or just letting it happen and if it comes up once Im full on dating someone (that is if he was even invested in anything deeper coming from our little make out/sleepover fling or whatever it was some months back in the first place), just have a talk with him to clear up that I think I like him better as a friend and that I rushed into a bit of mucking around with him (Effectively friendzoning him).

Then there's wording that properly if i need to have that conversation. I don't want to say something completely hurtful (even though It's probably true or too honest, like im more physically attracted to the other guy as well as emotionally, a better package) I think its more I don't know how to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak and stay mates with a guy ive had a bit of fun with who isn't an ex without making it weird, something ive definitely learned from and wil try to avoid in future though I guess.

Im again probably making things far more complicated than they need be, but any opinions would be appreciated.

 

[HunterM]

You are young. Trust me, relationships come and go in your life time. Don't think too much on "Is he the right guy for me for the rest of my life?" Nobody at that young age is right for anybody for the rest of one's life.

Dating is supposed to be FUN! Keep dating when it's fun for both of you guys. If it does not work out, it does not work out. Move on and date other people. The more people you date, the more you'll get to practice your dating skills.