Alive again

[Nelson]

I am 30. I live in Northern Europe. My boyfriend shot himself and I am recovering from years of depression. Been isolating myself a lot and not sure I will ever date again. Never tried anything that hurt as much as loosing J. . I still miss him every waking hour and cry and grieve, even though it has been 3 years now. I have turned away all my gay friends, since I was no fun anymore, not going clubbing, not drinking, not going dancing and doing E in London, Amsterdam and Ibiza anymore. Even stopped going to the gym and has gotten softer. All work and no play, just enjoy my house, cat and garden. Thats me Nelson. I hope life will be better and that you will enjoy my weird sense of humor

 

[Fiorino]

Hang in there Nelson, time will be a healer and you are on the way by just the fact that you are aware of your situation, don't underestimate your friends, they are probably just waiting for a sign from you to return.

 

[Nelson]

Thanks Fiorino. Not sure that time helps - it has been a little over 3 years and I still bawl my eyes and soul out. I will try to invite some of my old friends over again, but it has not been a succes the past years. They bring back memories and tell me that I just need to get laid and have some fun and that is supposed to help. I feel I have gotten 20 years older than them in just 3 years. And they think my hobbies - gardening and fishingtrips are boring. At least I have a good straight fishingbuddy. I will however work on getting back in shape again - perhaps I will meet some of my old buddies in "Church" eh gym. But I am totally out of shape and don´t have the body I used to, but I have to get going again. At least joining this forum gives me some new and old input.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry for your tragic loss.

I always say it takes time and effort. There is no one formula that works for everyone I believe that grief can take on a life of it's own, and that we may want that to happen so as to not feel guilty if we seem to be enjoying ourselves. You will always miss J. Perhaps you can honor his memory at specific times and specific places rather than all the time and everywhere.

You are reaching out through this posting. You are thinking and talking about revisitinf the gym. You are thinking about old friends. Take some steps to venture out. You are never alone. Whether you know them or not you are connected with all who grieve. Shed your tears as you need to, but there is someone outside your window that needs your smile today as you need the one they give back to you.

 

[mike_n_herrin]

Nelson first off hello

second

and thrid i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. i do think that joining the forum is a good place to start. time usually does help, but you often have to make your self get out and do something other than sitting at home. fishing trips i don't think are boring and i dont think gardening is either! so i'm on board with you there. but you will likely have to start doing things outside of "home" so that you can feel like you are part of the world again. it's a great step you've taken joining our forum and i really hope you make friends here.

- mikey

 

[Nelson]

Thank soreknees and Mikey. I really do try to be outgoing and a positive person. I want to move on and of course I have seen a therapist in order to cope with the grief and depression. On some level I think my problem comes dovn to being afraid of attachment, commitment and fear of ever being abandoned so badly and ultimately again. I do smile to nice guys and it is so true that I need to get more out of my comfort or safe zone. Joining JUB is a step I guess and there are lots of interesting guys here to interact with.

 

[talbot57]

Sorry to hear of your loss Nelson, time will heal and you are doing the right thing by talking about it. You talk about being positive and that it the right attitude. Just remember you are amongst friends here on JUB, keep positive mate.

 

[quasar]

Hey there Nelson, and welcome to JUB. I lost my last partner 10years ago this November, and there's still not a single day that I don't think about him at some point. Time DOES heal, and you'll get out and about again, make new friends and enjoy life once more - trust me.

Going out of your comfort zone and doing new things is scary, but scary can be good and exciting - and you'll have plenty of people here to support you in your endeavours.

Dave

 

[Nelson]

Thanks for your kind words Talbot57 and Dave. I did worry about being this honest on a forum about my sad life, but honesty works for me. I did worry that some would think I was some kind of dramaqueen

Sorry to hear that you also lost your longterm partner Dave. A broken heart is maybe a part of life and it hopefully heals, even though it will be scarred. It does seem that I still compare most most guys to j and no one measures up. Off course they don't and it wrong of me to think they can replace J, since they off course also are unique individuals. I look forward getting to know you better and lift your spirits too. It is great to meet new online friends.