Almost Broken...

[scissors]

Hey, this is just more of a vent I guess, but any comments would be very much appreciated.
I've been dating a guy - the most incredibly guy I've ever met - and things have been going well up to this point. But he has experienced his share of tragedy in a short period of time. He has lost a lot of friends and family unexpectedly during the past few years; currently his best friend has only a few weeks to live due to a brain tumor. Lately he's become extremely depressed.
I didn't realize how bad it was until tonight. We live in different cities so we were talking online tonight. Just by talking to him, I can tell he's almost hit rock-bottom. I'm completely torn up inside; I'm afraid that suicide might be something he's considering. He's been in my position before - a boyfriend of his once killed himself.
Basically I have no idea what to do for him. He's emphasizing the point that it's impossible for me to fully understand, and I can't 'tell him what to do'. I can make suggestions to go see a therapist, but I know he won't. I suppose I can only help those who want help, but it's impossible for me to sit on the sidelines and just hope that he recovers from this.
If his friend does die shortly, I know he's going to get even worse. I keep telling him how much I love him and care for him and that I'm always there for him no matter what he needs. He's completely lost sexual interest altogether and seems generally uninterested in me. Not that the sex thing is a problem - hell, I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if it meant he'd get better.
Basically I'm so deathly afraid that he might hurt himself. We live about 40 minutes away from each other, so I feel completely helpless sitting here, not being able to do anything. I don't even know if there is anything for me to do. I'm beyond frustrated and sad at this point...it's become something that I can't even describe. He doesn't want to talk about suicide (obviously) and says that he can promise up and down (like he made his boyfriend at the time) but that doesn't stop people from doing what they're going to do. What should/can I do?

 

[8tomtoms8]

I agree with Guywith... I would physically spend as much time with him as you can. Not for sex, but just to hold his hand, talk, etc. I had a major loss recently and my boyfriend was there for me every step of the way. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He's very lucky to have you.

 

[JayHew]

The spending of time with him is important, but it doesn't have to be 24/7 in his presence. What you are doing on line is a help. He needs to be reassured over and over that you are there for him and that you care and love him. Whether or not you get a positive response is immaterial, just keep doing it. If you are able to get him to talk about what he is feeling and expand upon it some (maybe the feeling of being abandoned by friends and family, even though it is death or other things happening) but it is important if you can get to where he is in order to help him climb out.

Most often when lonely or feeling alone, many times we think about what we are suppose to feel and then the feelings of such things kick in and take us on a wild ride. What you should try to do is to get him feeling about things then thinking about them and it helps him to gain control over his feelings, the other way around is what is the problem.

So far what you are doing is probably a lot more help than you think. You can't force someone to do things or think things or feel things, but you can walk with them along the way and offer your perspective especially if you can get close to what they are experiencing. But keep reiterating to him that you are there for him, even if he gets pissed at you for some reason, just let him know you are there and that you love and care for him.

This may take a lot of time and effort on your part, but if you care enough to apply it, then I think things will work out. As for the suicide you can remind him of how he felt with someone close to him committed suicide and what it did to him, then ask if he wants to do the same to others. If you can stick through it all and still care enough him, all I can say, he has one hell of a great friend. Best wishes to you both.

 

[rednzkiwi]

40 minutes away is nothing. Just think, how far would you drive for someone you love? I would easily drive 3 hours for the guy I love. Be with him, whenever you are in doubt of how he is feeling (depressed wise), jump in your transport and drive. 40 minutes later you can have him in your arms. A) Your presence is more important than words sometimes and B) He is hardly going to try suicide when you are with him. It won't be cheap, the constant travel but when was the last time boyfriends were cheap? Mine costs me everyday, but it is worth it. What your boyfriends needs right now is you support. You have to come second to his needs for now. But giving love and support is much better than getting it.

 

[scissors]

Thank you guys soo much for your comments. It makes me feel somewhat better. I was up all night crying and my head is going a thousand miles an hour. I have no idea what to think or feel or say right now. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice...I want to let him know I'm here, but I don't want to over-do it. I've never been so unsure in my life.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Well you can't manipulate the situation. It is what it is, and things are the way that they are.

I use the The Golden Rule in situations like this. I try to put myself into the other person's shoes, and then do for them what I would appreciate someone doing for me if I were in that situation.

I've lost more than my share of family members and friends. Most recently my boyfriend to crystal meth.

Many of my friends went on a "suicide watch" on my behalf.

Give him an ear to vent, and let him know that at the very least you're just a phone call away. Be supportive, while at the same time avoid being an enabler. Misery loves company. When you feel that's becoming the case, then see if you can't get him to focus on other things; future plans that he's shared with you, things that you know that he likes.

If, in the course of your conversations with him, he changes the subject to something "other" than what's bothering him, then go with that. Offer to take him out to dinner, or bring dinner to him. Rent a movie, try to find something that the two of you can do to help take his mind off of things.

I guess most importantly, and this if for your sanity, try to avoid getting caught up in the drama of it all. That's the only way that you'll be able to remain objective and helpful to him.

Good Luck to the both of you. Many people run and hide when these things happen, you've chosen to stay and fight with him.

I have a very special place in my heart for those who staid with me and stuck things out during my darkest hours.

 

[G-Lexington]

The advice you're getting there is sound. Just be there for him. Be available. You don't necessarily have to do much more than make yourself available, and listen when he needs to talk. That alone is worth more than you can possibly imagine.

Lex

 

[scissors]

Thank you all so much, particularly to centaxfarmer. Your message just sparked an epiphany in my head - we have a lot of future plans that we've made together, and reminding him of these is almost exactly what needs to be done. It's hard to explain unless you know him like I do, but that was a phenominal piece of advice and now I feel dumb for not thinking of it myself. Thanks SO much!

 

[Centexfarmer]

Thank you all so much, particularly to centaxfarmer. Your message just sparked an epiphany in my head - we have a lot of future plans that we've made together, and reminding him of these is almost exactly what needs to be done. It's hard to explain unless you know him like I do, but that was a phenominal piece of advice and now I feel dumb for not thinking of it myself. Thanks SO much!

Well the important thing is to not pressure him, but to get him to focus on something else beyond his current state.