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PSCGuy

PSCGuy

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So bear with me... I'm not exactly sure how to say what I want to. And I've never been one to edit my posts, so this is going to come out in stream of consciousness, most likely. ;)

-------------------------------------

I'm on the verge of coming out, I think. Well, I guess I should preface that by saying that I think I'm almost there. I usually think of these kinds of things at night, when I don't have to face reality quite right away. It's about the same time I promise myself that I'm going to come out that I also promise myself I'm going to lose 30 pounds and go jogging every day. Then I go to sleep and forget about my promises to myself. But now I think I'm almost there, and I need to figure out how to push myself over the edge.

I guess I've sort of come to terms with being gay, in a weird sort of sense. I think I understand that I am. I mean, I've understood that I am for a while; I got to this site looking for gay porn, anyway. But I feel myself having the same torments these days that I did when I was 14 and 15. "Well, I've never BEEN with another guy, so I really can't be sure..." But it's been stronger recently. I've been more depressed recently, especially with the passing of Valentine's Day, and I've been less and less able to concentrate on my classes--particularly because I'm concentrating more on the guys in my classes.

But, I've come to the decision that I need to just get over myself and come out, at least to someone. In fact, I've even picked out the friend I want to come out to first, which seems a little strange in its own right. I don't think anyone I know would think differently of me for the minute, but this friend seems like the guy I want to come out to first, for no apparent reason. LOL.

Here's the thing. We share a class together on Wednesday afternoons, and I usually drive him home from class and then head home myself. About a 10 minute drive. And I've set it up in my mind that at some point during that "commute", I'm going to do it. And I'm always very serious about it when I think about it. But when it comes time, I just can't. And it's becoming ENDLESSLY frustrating. I can't figure out what mental roadblock is in the way that's stopping me from just ending this stupidity and coming out.

Thanks for reading that all, if anyone did. Any thoughts?
 
I'm not sure if it helps, but I'll just pop in my two cents- it worked for me a couple times (which is as many friends I came out to coincidentally), so it might work for you as well.
You could tell him by e-mail/call/sms/something that there's something you need to tell him on the ride back home on Wednesday. Try to make him curious so he keeps asking you about it and when you're eventually on the way home you've had enough of his asking and you just tell it directly. I did this because I couldn't just start with it directly and it worked out really well for me.
Hope it helps!
 
That's definitely an interesting idea. I think I've been trying it a little already. Like today, walking to the car, I mentioned how weird it was that there's a Philadelphia Gay News box on our campus--we go to a small, conservative, Catholic University. I also wondered aloud how much circulation it got.

SO close to the tip of my tongue, but not quite. Maybe you're way, which is more blunt and totally my style, would help. Anyone else have anything?
 
You could do as advised above or you could simply stop on the way home and when he asks you why you have stopped, then you could tell him. Your car provides an ideal environment - it is both private and intimate.

I would suggest that you do not tell him when you are driving. I don't think coming out and driving really go together.

Feeling flat or depressed often goes hand in hand with procrastination, and is often more of a sign of anxiety rather than depression. Avoiding an action or a decision is a lot easier than doing or deciding.

Perhaps you could look at the situation this way..... The only way to remove this anxiety and to start walking the road to happiness and freedom is to tell yourself that "The solution is in my hands. I am through with beating up on myself. I am what I am."

Set a goal - I AM GOING TO DO IT BEFORE I GET HOME TODAY. You have to be honest with yourself. Being honest with your friends and those you care about and those who care about you can only be achieved after you have been honest with yourself. Setting a goal and then chickening out is a deceipt inflicted upon yourself.

Coming out to your friend is the first step in a long journey. Wherever this journey takes you I wish you good fortune.
 
Well, I'm really very reserved and normally I wouldn't have the guts to tell anybody I'm gay just like that, but as you said, I can be a little blunt sometimes. It does take a good amount of force of will, but I think setting a goal for yourself also works.
Like: 'I said I'm gonna tell him tonight, so I shouldn't lie to him', right?
What Ramindra said with 'The solution is in my hands' is totally true - but some people know that well enough and can't act upon it for fear of rejection (my case as well...). However, I sometimes take rash decisions and say rash things when I'm nervous/stressed/frustrated and although that's gotten me into some trouble, it also allowed me to be blunt when coming out. And it felt great to finally break that barrier, even if with only a couple friends.
Note: It was even harder to come out to my second friend (girl) because I was 95% sure she had a crush on me - which she did, but was a great friend and was totally supportive and I think that once that's out of the way we're even better friends, no awkwardness whatsoever. I skipped telling her 'If I wasn't into this guy so badly I'd probably have a crush on you as well', which is kinda true, but it's not as strong a feeling.
Okay, I'm going to stop with my ranting now and wait for the poster to update us :)
 
You guys presumably chat in the car, right? About yourselves and your lives? You might not get heavily intimate or go into detail, but you complain about school or work or friends, I'm guessing.

So frame it in terms of that. Not in the "I have something really big to tell you" sort of way. But more in terms of what you're going throught. "This semester is really tough. I'm gay, and I realize that I can't really move forward with anything until I start letting people know. But it's tough to find the right time to say it, you know?"

Lex
 
Thanks guys that really helps a lot. I think that I can put myself through that, and for my own sanity I hope I have the balls to do it.

I'll let you know.
 
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