Alone

[GavinAndHisWilly]

Hey there, this is my first time posting in this section, and ive never really... " explained " my emotions and how i really feel inside, but recntly ive felt increadbly alone.

So yeah, basicly im 18 and work full time, but for around...10 years ive always questiond my sexualty. I always thought along the lines of " Men are for foolign around, fand girls are for serious relashionship " and but recently, after reading some storys, i really want a romantic man, but sometimes i just think im to picky, Like im not into these " camp " guys - Trying not to lable pepole here! - I like a guy thats more " straight " but i have a fear of coming out because of waht happend in high school, and what pepole may think of me.

I just really stugle through so much stuff, i know theres worse pepole out there going through so much worse stuff, but i just feel increably alone. But i came to JUB just over a year ago trying to find some sort of Guidence, Insperation, confidence and what not, witch i have got some off, but i still feel so alone...

So yeah, thats my long story short, just needed to get some stuff of my chest, and this in some ways is the best way for it becuase tis around pepole who dont judge, dont care about anything - in a good way!

but yeah, im working long hours next week so it'll be hard for me to check any replys - if there is any lmao!
but i may be able to check my inbox's if anyone feels like sending a message :$

So thank you for reading and sorry if you got bored! D;

 

[Rolyo85]

Hey there. Welcome to JUB, and feel free to ask any questions and come to us with any problems you might have. We're here to help


...which is not to say you will always like the type of help offered.

My impression is that you aren't yet ok with being gay. We have all been there, and we know all the thoughts and feelings because we had them too. Which I know is very frustrating when you're going through it and people are telling you stuff as if they are in your head. But understand - in a way, we were in your head once.

You suffer from what most closeted boys go through - internalized homophobia. Part of it is the "men are for fooling around, girls for relationships" mentality. Obviously you have realized that this is incredibly wrong, but it takes a long time to truly feel that it is. Let's now repeat slowly: There is nothing wrong with being gay. Having feelings for other men is beautiful. Having slutty no strings attached sex with them is also awesome. Once you believe that, so many other things come into place.

Another aspect of internalized homophobia is the idolization of heteronormativity - the assumption that "straight" = good, and "gay" = bad. Crushing on straight boys, being disgusted with "camp" and feminine guys, it's all part of that. I am not saying you should be attracted to femininity. However, understanding that they are just as much men as the straightest football jock, and usually more interesting to be around (and better in bed ), is a key part of coming to terms not just with your homosexuality, but with homosexuality in general. We have the unique opportunity to NOT be bound by heteronormative stereotypes of what "men" are or "should" be. Being whoever you want to be is the best feeling in the world, and if it combines "masc" things like sports and "gay" stuff like musical theater, so what?


Now for some tough love. You will always feel alone until you come out. I am telling you this as someone who waited until he was 25 to finally get on with it. You can never have a meaningful or successful relationship from the closet, a boyfriend can't make it easier for you to come out, and all you do in dragging someone else in your closet and skulking about like you're guilty of something, is cause yourself psychological damage.

However, that need not scare you. Because here's the big secret about homosexuality - nobody really cares! It is at most a gossip subject, and YOU being gay is nowhere near as important to the world as it is to you. But even were it the biggest deal in existence, you come out for yourself, not for anyone else, and what they think should not matter. I know we all fear not being accepted, but we also have to face the truth - those who truly love you and care about you WILL accept you and love you none the less for being gay. Actually, most will love you more because once you come out and stop living a lie, you will be a much more complete person, and much more interesting to be with. Being gay is NOT worthy of scorn and hatred, so those who matter WILL embrace you. Those who don't don't matter, as Dr. Seuss says. Being gay is who you are, not something you can change or hide forever. So why should you want to associate with people who wouldn't accept that?

EVERYTHING changes once you come out, and usually - for the better. You are 18, so you are either done with school, or about to be finished. The one reason for staying in the closet - surviving high school - no longer applies to you. My recommendation is to care a bit less about what people will think, and a bit more about what you need. Because that's way more important, and it's the biggest step toward not feeling alone

Feel free to write here, or send me a PM if you want any particular advice about coming out or anything else.

 

[GavinAndHisWilly]

I have to agree with everything what you said, and i understand esactly what you mean, and i can see so much of myself in waht you just said, but i really dont know, Pepole say that " oh you should know what you are " but i really dont, ive had experince with both sex's but its more mentaly.... I always walk down a street and look at men never women, but i cant accept the fact that i might be gay >.<

 

[Rolyo85]

What you just said - looking at men and never women - THAT"s your cue. Sexuality is both complex and very very simple. It's not black and white, but often the only thing that prevents us from figuring ourselves out is overthinking it.

Your dick and your head point at boys. That doesn't mean you can't ever do stuff with girls if it strikes your fancy, but it does make you gay in my book. And even though many people will tell you that labeling yourself isn't important, I beg to differ. Labels have been invented for a reason, and even though many of them are harmful, the ones describing sexuality aren't, and they help us build ourselves into the people we want to be. "I don't know what I am" NEVER helped anyone.

 

[Lube]

^Great post!

I have to agree with everything what you said, and i understand esactly what you mean, and i can see so much of myself in waht you just said, but i really dont know, Pepole say that " oh you should know what you are " but i really dont, ive had experince with both sex's but its more mentaly.... I always walk down a street and look at men never women, but i cant accept the fact that i might be gay >.<

Dear Gavin ( or his willy; not sure who's talking here, LOL):

You're gay! Woo hoo! Join the club! There are millions of out, proud gays! Look at all the happy gays getting married now, or working towards equal rights.

There is nothing wrong or to be ashamed about for being gay. Gay is great!

Are you located in an urban area or some remote place?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi GavinAndHisWilly,

Good you have taken the step to make this posting, as you are right now realizing yourself that you are somehow 'walking along a road with a dead end'. I mean, you describe that you feel alone and lonely. I tend to think that this is a normal situation for a guy of your age in your situation and background (as described in your posting).

Rolyo85 has already provided you with some very valuable thoughts. He is totally right. You can only go on with your life when you open yourself, meaning that you can only develop good friendships with people (gay, straight, male and female) if its clear that you like guys. Otherwise, such friendships will always stay very 'shallow' (not the good word, but I hope you understand what I mean). Same with becoming friends / close friends (etc.) with a gay guy. Right now (being in the closet) you won't be able to built up a nice friendship with an open gay guy, as people around might see that you spend alot of time (in public as well) with a gay guy. Open gays (but also straight guys who are totally relaxed / confident about their own sexuality) don't bother about this topic.

I was wondering if you would like to provide us abit more about your background, eg, the country you are living, the background of your family, do you live by yourself (or together with your family), do you live in a big city or in a small town? No need to tell when you don't like to share this kind of details over here.

Again, I think Rolyo85 is right that you are right now not yet totally comfortable with your own sexuality. But I tend to think that you are on your way to improve this situation. Guys who walk along the road and only look at the other guys walking by are gay. Does not mean you need to use the label 'gay', but it does mean you would like to have a romantic relationship with guys (and not with girls), and that you also like sex with guys (and not with girls, or only in a very limited way).

Don't forget that you are living in 2012. Most people are right now very well aware that a certain amount of people are gay. Indeed, the big, big majority of them don't care. So they don't judge you along the lines gay / straight, but they judge you along the lines of nice / rude (or something like that).

Take your time, but please be aware that you are right now walking along that road with a dead end. Feel free to react, and/or to ask additional questions.

Good luck and I would like to wish you all the best.

 

[Seasoned]

Use your description of yourself as alone to be your motivation to do something to change that. Try not to let "being busy" dissuade you. Connecting with people is something you apparent are looking for. Initially you don't have to think in terms of potential relationship. Just start doing things that are fun to you.

 

[GavinAndHisWilly]

Ive read through all these coments and would like to say thank you, but its still all, i dont know how to explain it >.< but ia gree with waht your all sayying its just really hard.

And Ganoderma, i live in a city called Hull, witch is prety much invested with Chavs and i live at home with my mum and hey boyfriend.